Mom's 18-point rules for son and iphone

[Piratelvr1121]

She owed her son the respect of having this conversation face-to-face without going out of her way to pat herself on the back by posting it online. Parenting rules are great. Kids need them. The rest of the world doesn't need to know how awesome (if logically challenged) parents think they are.

I think that's the biggest problem I have with it.  Our oldest has a cell phone, but not an iPhone. It's one of the cheapest we could get him where he could still text. Its design is slightly similar to a blackberry. I think the phone itself cost us a penny and adding him to the plan was $20 a month so not too bad.  It's an unlimited family plan which is nice so we don't have to worry about him texting a lot or people texting him a ton.  Other nice thing is that our plan only charges for outgoing texts and calls. 

Our rule was you do not take it to school or church, but you do take it with you when you go out to play so that we can call you and tell you to come home.  You leave it at home or don't answer in a reasonable amount of time, you're going to be in trouble.  When he started failing some classes, his phone was taken away until he pulled his grades back up. 

We let him keep his phone in his room at night mainly because he uses it as an alarm clock and we haven't had any trouble with him losing sleep due to calls or texts.  We have told him we reserve the right to check his incoming and outgoing texts but thus far he just hasn't given us much of a reason to.

FWIW, he'll be 12 in April.  He's asked for a smartphone, since our wireless service doesn't support the iPhones, but we told him he can get one when he can afford to pay for it.  I know it's selfish but heck I don't even have a smartphone yet, I'm not going to be beaten to it by my son! LOL!

[lady_disdain]

I also disliked the combination of advice and rules. Listening to different music is really not a rule, for example, and neither is the google one.

In general rules, should be short, to the point and easy to understand. I would rewrite them (I am keeping her rules, even though I disagree with many):

I would remove rule 1 as that is not a rule, it is a fact and one that contradicts the introduction and the fact that it was a gift.

2- I will always know the password
3- Answer the phone if it rings (I really hate this one as a general rule - exceptions made for parents. No one should feel at the beck and call of their phone)
4- Hand the phone to one of your parents at 7pm on weekdays and 9pm on weekends. It will be returned to you at 7:30am
5- The phone is not to be taken to school, unless there are exceptional circumstances that we will discuss each time
6- Any damage is your responsibility and I will not replace the phone
7- (this isn't a phone rule but a general one - out it goes)
8- (this isn't a phone rule but a general one - out it goes)
9- (this isn't a phone rule but a general one - out it goes)
10- No porn or inappropriate content
11- Turn it off whenever in a place that requires silence and concentration
12- Don't use it to send inappropriate material
13- (this isn't a phone rule but advice and best given by example)
14- (I wonder how she will feel when she tries to contact her son and finds out he decided to live bravely that day)
15- (this isn't a phone rule but advice)
16- (this isn't a phone rule but advice)
17- (this isn't a phone rule but advice)
18- Punishment for breaking these rules include the loss of the phone and the dreaded discussion of what you did wrong

So, that would leave us with half the list of rule and much easier for the kid to remember.

[HoneyBee42]

I also disliked the combination of advice and rules. Listening to different music is really not a rule, for example, and neither is the google one.

In general rules, should be short, to the point and easy to understand. I would rewrite them (I am keeping her rules, even though I disagree with many):

I would remove rule 1 as that is not a rule, it is a fact and one that contradicts the introduction and the fact that it was a gift.

2- I will always know the password
3- Answer the phone if it rings (I really hate this one as a general rule - exceptions made for parents. No one should feel at the beck and call of their phone)
4- Hand the phone to one of your parents at 7pm on weekdays and 9pm on weekends. It will be returned to you at 7:30am
5- The phone is not to be taken to school, unless there are exceptional circumstances that we will discuss each time
6- Any damage is your responsibility and I will not replace the phone
7- (this isn't a phone rule but a general one - out it goes)
8- (this isn't a phone rule but a general one - out it goes)
9- (this isn't a phone rule but a general one - out it goes)
10- No porn or inappropriate content
11- Turn it off whenever in a place that requires silence and concentration
12- Don't use it to send inappropriate material
13- (this isn't a phone rule but advice and best given by example)
14- (I wonder how she will feel when she tries to contact her son and finds out he decided to live bravely that day)
15- (this isn't a phone rule but advice)
16- (this isn't a phone rule but advice)
17- (this isn't a phone rule but advice)
18- Punishment for breaking these rules include the loss of the phone and the dreaded discussion of what you did wrong

So, that would leave us with half the list of rule and much easier for the kid to remember.

I much prefer your version.  I was, personally (as a parent, even) put off by her introduction--"Aren't I the greatest" and all that sort of extraneous chest thumping she was doing.  I wouldn't have the same set of rules--but then I'm not giving my children a fancy phone. 

However, youngest son won an iPad at a church raffle (the organizer called me first to see if I wanted to hold it for a Christmas gift, I declined to do that because I couldn't equalize gifts for the other three children and it was much easier to say that youngest son happened to be the lucky person who had gotten his name drawn (out of about 800 entries and I have no idea how many people bought multiple chances).  He has been told that if it gets wrecked it will *not* be replaced unless he becomes independently wealthy.  I also have absolute control over what apps he gets (I know the password and I haven't shared it with him).  Of course, he's only 11 (for eight more weeks).

[Yvaine]

As far as the blog, I'm not sure. A lot of writers and comedians past and present have written and talked about their kids and husbands without hiding identities. I don't find Erma Bombeck or Bill Cosby rude.

See, I find Cosby horribly unfunny mostly because of his parenting "humor".

And while it's been years since I read Erma Bombeck, the way I remember her books is that there was a lot more self-deprecation in them, and also just laughing at the general chaos of her house, and the things she did needle her kids about were things less likely to produce ridicule at school--things like forgetting to refill the ice tray after using all the ice. Certainly she never had this smug saccharine tone.

[Piratelvr1121]

I love Erma Bombeck! And no, she definitely was not one to pat herself on the back at all.  She was enjoyable to read for being easy to relate to.

[Hmmmmm]

I am obviously missing something that everyone else is reading.  Here's the introduction to the rules from her site.  I've seen people say she was "chest thumping", doing a "look at me", overly sacharine, and all sorts of other comments. 
Dear Gregory
Merry Christmas!  You are now the proud owner of an iPhone.  Hot D***!  You are a good & responsible 13 year old boy and you deserve this gift.  But with the acceptance of this present comes rules and regulations.  Please read through the following contract.  I hope that you understand it is my job to raise you into a well rounded, healthy young man that can function in the world and coexist with technology, not be ruled by it.  Failure to comply with the following list will result in termination of your iPhone ownership.
 I love you madly & look forward to sharing several million text messages with you in the days to come.

How is the above so offensive to so many posters here?  I am not being snarky.  I really do't get it.  The above would be very close to conversations that I've had with my kids.  I think we even had a written set of rules that we had the kids agree to about bike riding.  I've not read anything else on her blog, just the rules post and I did not watch her on any of the TV shows she appeared on.  Is that where people are getting this impression? Or is it simply the fact that she chose to post the rules on her website?

Honestly, I dislike sharing of personal family information on any type of public media.  But it has become so common in todays society to see that someone's toddler sucessfully used the potty on Facebook (even with photos) that I just shrug and say it's not my thing but I'm in the minority. 

[Sharnita]

I would agree that the tonr some peotople.are seeing are to some extent a matter of opi.ion. She does see some humor or value in this because she bothered to make it public amd in that way she is similar to Bombeck, Cosby and any other writer or comedian who has revealed anything about their kids and family in spoken or written material.,They all thought it was wise enough, funny enoug or both. I don't particularly see anything bad about that in general or with het in particular.

[Zilla]

I am obviously missing something that everyone else is reading.  Here's the introduction to the rules from her site.  I've seen people say she was "chest thumping", doing a "look at me", overly sacharine, and all sorts of other comments. 
Dear Gregory
Merry Christmas!  You are now the proud owner of an iPhone.  Hot D***!  You are a good & responsible 13 year old boy and you deserve this gift.  But with the acceptance of this present comes rules and regulations.  Please read through the following contract.  I hope that you understand it is my job to raise you into a well rounded, healthy young man that can function in the world and coexist with technology, not be ruled by it.  Failure to comply with the following list will result in termination of your iPhone ownership.
 I love you madly & look forward to sharing several million text messages with you in the days to come.

How is the above so offensive to so many posters here?  I am not being snarky.  I really do't get it.  The above would be very close to conversations that I've had with my kids.  I think we even had a written set of rules that we had the kids agree to about bike riding.  I've not read anything else on her blog, just the rules post and I did not watch her on any of the TV shows she appeared on.  Is that where people are getting this impression? Or is it simply the fact that she chose to post the rules on her website?

Honestly, I dislike sharing of personal family information on any type of public media.  But it has become so common in todays society to see that someone's toddler sucessfully used the potty on Facebook (even with photos) that I just shrug and say it's not my thing but I'm in the minority.

For me, the fact she posted it on her blog when it should be a personal letter to her son.  Why does she have to show the "world" hey look at how endearing I am.  Then rule number one just totally changed her entire message and made it very false sounding. (trying to look good)


I don't mind blogs and have one myself.  I would have at most posted, "I got my daughter a phone today and posted some simple rules for her to follow...."  I wouldn't have posted the personal letter part and perhaps just some of the rules. 

[Hmmmmm]

Thanks, Zilla.  I read the last sentence in number 1 as very toungue in cheek because I make comments like that to my kids when I know I'm telling them something that makes them want to really say "You are the meanest mom EVER!"  It's like saying I know you are going to hate this and not agree but your not changing my mind. 

Me:  Go sweep the deck.
Them:  Why?
Me:  Because you love me more than you can stand and you want me to be happy always.
Them:  No, I don't even like you and I want you to be misserable.
Me:  Fine, then go sweep the deck because I am your mother and I can make your life miserable if you don't do what I tell you to do.

Me:  Go sign up for your PSAT
Them:  I'll do it later
Me: No go do it now because you'll forget later.  Remember I'm the smartest mom in the world and will always know what is best for you.

All of these conversations are completely in gest. 

I didn't take it as "I'm the best mom ever for lending you an iPhone".  It was "I know you hate the fact that this is not your property to do with as you want, but I'm the mom and I get to make the rules that I think are right."

[Zilla]

Thanks, Zilla.  I read the last sentence in number 1 as very toungue in cheek because I make comments like that to my kids when I know I'm telling them something that makes them want to really say "You are the meanest mom EVER!"  It's like saying I know you are going to hate this and not agree but your not changing my mind. 

Me:  Go sweep the deck.
Them:  Why?
Me:  Because you love me more than you can stand and you want me to be happy always.
Them:  No, I don't even like you and I want you to be misserable.
Me:  Fine, then go sweep the deck because I am your mother and I can make your life miserable if you don't do what I tell you to do.

Me:  Go sign up for your PSAT
Them:  I'll do it later
Me: No go do it now because you'll forget later.  Remember I'm the smartest mom in the world and will always know what is best for you.

All of these conversations are completely in gest. 

I didn't take it as "I'm the best mom ever for lending you an iPhone".  It was "I know you hate the fact that this is not your property to do with as you want, but I'm the mom and I get to make the rules that I think are right."

 In the scenarios you posted, I would be the same way actually with my kids.  These are humorous to me and my kids would play along.


What she wrote: 1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren't I the greatest?
I would never say that about a gift to them.  I might say that I pay for it and will stop paying for it if you don't follow X rules.   If you truly meant for this not to be a gift, then I would never have wrapped it up and given as such.  It would be a trip to the store with a discussion about it.

[Hmmmmm]

Thanks, Zilla.  I read the last sentence in number 1 as very toungue in cheek because I make comments like that to my kids when I know I'm telling them something that makes them want to really say "You are the meanest mom EVER!"  It's like saying I know you are going to hate this and not agree but your not changing my mind. 

Me:  Go sweep the deck.
Them:  Why?
Me:  Because you love me more than you can stand and you want me to be happy always.
Them:  No, I don't even like you and I want you to be misserable.
Me:  Fine, then go sweep the deck because I am your mother and I can make your life miserable if you don't do what I tell you to do.

Me:  Go sign up for your PSAT
Them:  I'll do it later
Me: No go do it now because you'll forget later.  Remember I'm the smartest mom in the world and will always know what is best for you.

All of these conversations are completely in gest. 

I didn't take it as "I'm the best mom ever for lending you an iPhone".  It was "I know you hate the fact that this is not your property to do with as you want, but I'm the mom and I get to make the rules that I think are right."

 In the scenarios you posted, I would be the same way actually with my kids.  These are humorous to me and my kids would play along.


What she wrote: 1. It is my phone. I bought it. I pay for it. I am loaning it to you. Aren't I the greatest?
I would never say that about a gift to them.  I might say that I pay for it and will stop paying for it if you don't follow X rules.   If you truly meant for this not to be a gift, then I would never have wrapped it up and given as such.  It would be a trip to the store with a discussion about it.

My DD got a used car for her 16th birthday.  It is referred to as her car, she is the primary driver, and it will be at her disposal until she is capable of buying a new one. 

However, she was told upon receipt that the car is in our names, we bought it, we pay the insurance and maintenance on it, we decide when she gets to drive it, and we have the authority to take it away from her at anytime if we so choose, either as a disciplinary action for something unrelated to driving or because we decided that she was not obeying our rules as it relates to the car.  We also told her if she ever had an accident from complete recklessness (not just making a mistake but deciding to drag race down the freeway or doing donuts in the school parking lot) on her part, we would not be paying the deductible to have it repaired.  And believe me, none of these rules were said in gest. 

In no way did any of these stipulations decrease her excitement of having a car. I view my DD's excitement about having access to a car at 16 similar to what a 13 year old would feel about getting an iPhone that he had been wanting. 

[Zilla]

So you would tell her the exact wording in line 1 along with a gift bow and surprise her with the car?  Or was it a discussion like, 'We will buy you a used car..BUT.."  This is more what I would do.

[Hmmmmm]

So you would tell her the exact wording in line 1 along with a gift bow and surprise her with the car?  Or was it a discussion like, 'We will buy you a used car..BUT.."  This is more what I would do.

After reading your post again, I realized the big difference is that I see the gift being "access and ability to use a car"  not the actual car itself.  Just like in the OP that gift is "access to and use of a cell phone" not necessarily the cell phone itself. 

Like if my a friend owned a beach house and gifted us use of their beach house for 2 weeks every summer.  Though they are not giving me their beach house, I would appreciate the use of the beach house just the same.

But I'm realizing that as I think about this, I probably have an odd opinion about cell phones and services.  The only cell phone I ever purchased or paid for myself is the first Motorola brick back in the early 90's.  Since around '95, all the remainder cells have been company bought and paid for.  I keep them till they break or I'm forced to upgrade and then go on to the next.  To me the company has always been paying for a service, that I also get to use for personal use, and the phone is just a tool to take advantage of the service. 

[ladydesmond]

I wonder how many hours a day mom wastes doodling around on the internet instead of looking out the window at the pretty flowers?  Perhaps she's projecting some of her own issues on to her son.  According to Google, her blog is now gone.

[Mental Magpie]

I never got a list; my parents trusted me more than that.  I think that's why I find this so patronizing and distasteful.  I knew what they expected of me and the consequences if I fell short.  They wanted me to act like an adult so they treated me like one.  It worked really, really well.