Mom's 18-point rules for son and iphone

[AngelBarchild]

I never got a list; my parents trusted me more than that.  I think that's why I find this so patronizing and distasteful.  I knew what they expected of me and the consequences if I fell short.  They wanted me to act like an adult so they treated me like one.  It worked really, really well.

I assume that at some point they told you what was expected of you and what the consequences would be. This parent just put it on paper. It's the same thing really. A person has to be told the rules at some point, otherwise they have no way of knowing them.

[Mental Magpie]

I never got a list; my parents trusted me more than that.  I think that's why I find this so patronizing and distasteful.  I knew what they expected of me and the consequences if I fell short.  They wanted me to act like an adult so they treated me like one.  It worked really, really well.

I assume that at some point they told you what was expected of you and what the consequences would be. This parent just put it on paper. It's the same thing really. A person has to be told the rules at some point, otherwise they have no way of knowing them.

Nothing was ever spelled out plainly.  I never got, "Don't you dare use that to send nude pictures" one day then a month later "Don't ignore people because you're too busy on your phone".  I knew those were wrong and that my parents would be angry if I did them.  I don't think that's the same thing at all. 

[Shoo]

I never got a list; my parents trusted me more than that.  I think that's why I find this so patronizing and distasteful.  I knew what they expected of me and the consequences if I fell short.  They wanted me to act like an adult so they treated me like one.  It worked really, really well.

I assume that at some point they told you what was expected of you and what the consequences would be. This parent just put it on paper. It's the same thing really. A person has to be told the rules at some point, otherwise they have no way of knowing them.

Nothing was ever spelled out plainly.  I never got, "Don't you dare use that to send nude pictures" one day then a month later "Don't ignore people because you're too busy on your phone".  I knew those were wrong and that my parents would be angry if I did them.  I don't think that's the same thing at all. 

I think it's safe to assume that your parents took this approach with you because they know you.  Not all kids are like you were.  Some do need to have it spelled out and explained.  There's nothing wrong with parents who know this about THEIR children and act accordingly.

[Mental Magpie]

I never got a list; my parents trusted me more than that.  I think that's why I find this so patronizing and distasteful.  I knew what they expected of me and the consequences if I fell short.  They wanted me to act like an adult so they treated me like one.  It worked really, really well.

I assume that at some point they told you what was expected of you and what the consequences would be. This parent just put it on paper. It's the same thing really. A person has to be told the rules at some point, otherwise they have no way of knowing them.

Nothing was ever spelled out plainly.  I never got, "Don't you dare use that to send nude pictures" one day then a month later "Don't ignore people because you're too busy on your phone".  I knew those were wrong and that my parents would be angry if I did them.  I don't think that's the same thing at all. 

I think it's safe to assume that your parents took this approach with you because they know you.  Not all kids are like you were.  Some do need to have it spelled out and explained.  There's nothing wrong with parents who know this about THEIR children and act accordingly.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it.  All I was explaining was that I think that is why this particular list bothers me so much: it seems like they don't trust their kid.

[Hmmmmm]

I never got a list; my parents trusted me more than that.  I think that's why I find this so patronizing and distasteful.  I knew what they expected of me and the consequences if I fell short.  They wanted me to act like an adult so they treated me like one.  It worked really, really well.

I assume that at some point they told you what was expected of you and what the consequences would be. This parent just put it on paper. It's the same thing really. A person has to be told the rules at some point, otherwise they have no way of knowing them.

Nothing was ever spelled out plainly.  I never got, "Don't you dare use that to send nude pictures" one day then a month later "Don't ignore people because you're too busy on your phone".  I knew those were wrong and that my parents would be angry if I did them.  I don't think that's the same thing at all. 

I think it's safe to assume that your parents took this approach with you because they know you.  Not all kids are like you were.  Some do need to have it spelled out and explained.  There's nothing wrong with parents who know this about THEIR children and act accordingly.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it.  All I was explaining was that I think that is why this particular list bothers me so much: it seems like they don't trust their kid.

If they didn't trust them, they wouldn't provide the phone.  They trust them to follow rules and the kid has a clear understanding of expectations.

[Shoo]

I never got a list; my parents trusted me more than that.  I think that's why I find this so patronizing and distasteful.  I knew what they expected of me and the consequences if I fell short.  They wanted me to act like an adult so they treated me like one.  It worked really, really well.

I assume that at some point they told you what was expected of you and what the consequences would be. This parent just put it on paper. It's the same thing really. A person has to be told the rules at some point, otherwise they have no way of knowing them.

Nothing was ever spelled out plainly.  I never got, "Don't you dare use that to send nude pictures" one day then a month later "Don't ignore people because you're too busy on your phone".  I knew those were wrong and that my parents would be angry if I did them.  I don't think that's the same thing at all. 

I think it's safe to assume that your parents took this approach with you because they know you.  Not all kids are like you were.  Some do need to have it spelled out and explained.  There's nothing wrong with parents who know this about THEIR children and act accordingly.

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it.  All I was explaining was that I think that is why this particular list bothers me so much: it seems like they don't trust their kid.

It may not be a matter of trust.  It may be a matter of reality and practicality.  None of us knows this boy, or his family.  Maybe this kid NEEDS this kind of instruction.  I'd venture to say that his mother is in a better position to know what he needs than we are.

When my daughter started using Facebook, I made out a list of rules not that different from the list this blogger made for her son, but obviously tailored to FB.  I pinned it to her bulletin board next to her computer so she could see it every time she logged in.  I didn't post it online, but then, I'm not a blogger.  I don't think the fact that she posted it negates its value to her son.

[Twik]

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it.  All I was explaining was that I think that is why this particular list bothers me so much: it seems like they don't trust their kid.

Well, considering the number of problems kids get into with cell phones, I'm not sure that they should trust a (generic) child not to mess up without a full set of instructions.

I think some people dislike the article (and let's face it, it's an article meant to be amusing, not necessarily exactly what the kid got) because they are reacting to it as adults, not as a child whose immediate defense to most transgressions would be, "But you never told me I couldn't do that!"

[Amava]

Hmmm the more responses I read, the more I start realising why I disliked this so much.

But you know, telling your child "don't share nude pictures with your cellphone or over the internet" is something that  enters into very private, intimate territory, and while I do think parents should speak about these things with their children, I really think it is something for private conversation, not something your mother should blog about.

I think as a teen, having your mother blog about how she told you not to take inappropriate pics is almost as embarrassing as having actual inappropriate pics leak onto the internet.

And it's strange, but it almost strikes me as a paradox: by blogging how she admonished him about being private, she is sort of trampling all over his privacy and dignity. At least, that is how I feel about it. 

[Hmmmmm]

Hmmm the more responses I read, the more I start realising why I disliked this so much.

But you know, telling your child "don't share nude pictures with your cellphone or over the internet" is something that  enters into very private, intimate territory, and while I do think parents should speak about these things with their children, I really think it is something for private conversation, not something your mother should blog about.

I think as a teen, having your mother blog about how she told you not to take inappropriate pics is almost as embarrassing as having actual inappropriate pics leak onto the internet.

And it's strange, but it almost strikes me as a paradox: by blogging how she admonished him about being private, she is sort of trampling all over his privacy and dignity. At least, that is how I feel about it.

Oh, I completely agree with you about the blogging.  I have a strong distaste for sharing of family concerns on public media.  I don't find Facebook posts about potty training, blogs about your kids or marriage, or tweets about being made at your ex-boyfriend or in anyway appropriate.  I've only been stating that I don't find anything wrong with the specific rules layed out or the fact that they are written rules.  If she had kept it private, I'd have no concerns at all. 

[Twik]

Hmmm the more responses I read, the more I start realising why I disliked this so much.

But you know, telling your child "don't share nude pictures with your cellphone or over the internet" is something that  enters into very private, intimate territory....

Following the recent case where a child committed suicide after providing nude photos to the wrong sort of person, I would say this advice is just as important as, say, teaching your child how to put on a condom on a banana.

[thedudeabides]

Hmmm the more responses I read, the more I start realising why I disliked this so much.

But you know, telling your child "don't share nude pictures with your cellphone or over the internet" is something that  enters into very private, intimate territory....

Following the recent case where a child committed suicide after providing nude photos to the wrong sort of person, I would say this advice is just as important as, say, teaching your child how to put on a condom on a banana.

Amava didn't dispute that. She just said it should have been made private, not broadcast to the whole world (literally, thanks to the internet).

[Twik]

Well, in that case, we should also expect that people who write about how they teach their children about AIDS or avoiding pregnancy should be censured, because that is certainly "private and intimate". Instead, public policy is that this sort of education should be made as public as possible, even made mandatory in the public schools.

Sexual health is not something we should be avoiding talking about, and "sexting" can be devastating to young people when things go wrong. I don't think that there is anything more inappropriate about writing, "I told my child not to send nude pictures to their friends," than "I told my child to always practice 'no glove, no love'".

[Mental Magpie]

I'm not saying there is anything wrong with it.  All I was explaining was that I think that is why this particular list bothers me so much: it seems like they don't trust their kid.

Well, considering the number of problems kids get into with cell phones, I'm not sure that they should trust a (generic) child not to mess up without a full set of instructions.

I think some people dislike the article (and let's face it, it's an article meant to be amusing, not necessarily exactly what the kid got) because they are reacting to it as adults, not as a child whose immediate defense to most transgressions would be, "But you never told me I couldn't do that!"

I'm also saying that would not have been my reaction as a child.  I never got into trouble with my cell phone because my parents knew I knew what the expected of me.  I am by no means saying that all children know that nor that all parents should expect their children to know that.  I am saying I did, and because I did, I find this letter patronizing.  Had my parents given me that list, I would have given it back to them and would have told them that it hurt that they didn't trust me and what had I done wrong for them to think I needed that list.  I would have felt patronized.  That is why I dislike this list of rules.

[thedudeabides]

Oh, please, Twik, that's not what anyone's saying, so stop with the strawman stuff. There's a huge difference between initiating a conversation about sexual health in private and acting like it's something shameful. It can be an awkward conversation from both sides (yes, Dad, I remember how red-faced you got), so start it off without the pressure of external judgment. Don't trumpet it to all and sundry just because you want props for being such an awesome, involved parent.

[Twik]

I don't think it's a straw man at all. I think that if we are going to praise parents and educators for publicly discussing how they teach children about things like condoms, we should allow them to also discuss in public how they teach about less popular topics.

There are plenty of sources in today's media that are telling children that sexting is the done thing, and that only the uncool would refuse to take part. It's not something that children are otherwise not going to hear about before that big, redfaced talk.