Characters of the story:
Xavier-my high school ex, a nice enough person, we’ve kept in loose touch over the years. He’s never married, and years ago mentioned that if he ever did he wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting exes to his wedding (in response to my asking if he wanted an invite to my wedding).
Alexandra-someone I classify as a friendly acquaintance, we are cordial, friends with many of the same friends, invite each other’s kids over for birthdays, and have known each other for years. She’s engaged to Xavier. This will be her third marriage. I only mention that as I was not invited to her previous nuptials.
Melanie-Xavier’s sister. She is also getting married this year, in a separate date and ceremony from Xavier and Alexandra’s wedding. Her second wedding; I was not invited to the first. I am not close to Melanie and in fact, have only seen/spoken to her once since Xavier and I broke up. No bad blood just not close to her at all. I don’t know her fiancé.
Background and Questions:
This week I received save the dates online (very common in my circle) for both Xavier and Alexandra’s wedding, and Melanie’s wedding. Different dates, venues, etc. The save the dates are asking for physical addresses so they can send out "real" invitations via the mail. I don’t want to attend either wedding, and honestly was surprised to see the save the dates. I have goodwill towards all; I simply don’t feel justifiably close enough to either couple to attend the wedding. I do feel comfortable with sending a small gift and card to Xavier and Alexandra, in congratulations. Question 1: Would it be a faux pas to send that to Xavier, as there is a slight possibility he or Alexandra might mention it to Melanie, who may be affronted that I sent her nothing?
As Alexandra didn’t invite me to her previous weddings, I wonder if I’m on Xavier’s possible guest list; people do change a lot through the years. Even if I made his list, I don't feel comfortable with attending. Question 2: If I do decide to send a gift, would it be rude to respond to them “Sorry, I can’t come to the wedding, but would like to send you my congratulations. Could you give me your mailing address?”
In the past I haven't given gifts to couples unless I was invited to the wedding; I haven't been invited to a wedding where I didn't feel comfortable attending before. Ergo, in the past, if I am invited, and I can attend, I do attend, and I give a gift. This little experience quite surprised me and I want to make sure I do the correct thing.
Aaaand after typing all that out....now I am wondering if this is simply a gimme tactic to get some extra gifts. Certainly hope not, but really, I don't consider myself close to any of the story characters anymore, why the heck are they "save the date"-ing me?