Author Topic: Save the Dates and possible response  (Read 1010 times)

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Jones

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Save the Dates and possible response
« on: January 04, 2013, 05:46:40 PM »
Characters of the story:

Xavier-my high school ex, a nice enough person, we’ve kept in loose touch over the years. He’s never married, and years ago mentioned that if he ever did he wouldn’t feel comfortable inviting exes to his wedding (in response to my asking if he wanted an invite to my wedding).

Alexandra-someone I classify as a friendly acquaintance, we are cordial, friends with many of the same friends, invite each other’s kids over for birthdays, and have known each other for years. She’s engaged to Xavier. This will be her third marriage. I only mention that as I was not invited to her previous nuptials.

Melanie-Xavier’s sister. She is also getting married this year, in a separate date and ceremony from Xavier and Alexandra’s wedding. Her second wedding; I was not invited to the first. I am not close to Melanie and in fact, have only seen/spoken to her once since Xavier and I broke up. No bad blood just not close to her at all. I don’t know her fiancé.

Background and Questions:
This week I received save the dates online (very common in my circle) for both Xavier and Alexandra’s wedding, and Melanie’s wedding. Different dates, venues, etc. The save the dates are asking for physical addresses so they can send out "real" invitations via the mail. I don’t want to attend either wedding, and honestly was surprised to see the save the dates. I have goodwill towards all; I simply don’t feel justifiably close enough to either couple to attend the wedding. I do feel comfortable with sending a small gift and card to Xavier and Alexandra, in congratulations. Question 1: Would it be a faux pas to send that to Xavier, as there is a slight possibility he or Alexandra might mention it to Melanie, who may be affronted that I sent her nothing?

As Alexandra didn’t invite me to her previous weddings, I wonder if I’m on Xavier’s possible guest list; people do change a lot through the years. Even if I made his list, I don't feel comfortable with attending. Question 2: If I do decide to send a gift, would it be rude to respond to them “Sorry, I can’t come to the wedding, but would like to send you my congratulations. Could you give me your mailing address?”

In the past I haven't given gifts to couples unless I was invited to the wedding; I haven't been invited to a wedding where I didn't feel comfortable attending before. Ergo, in the past, if I am invited, and I can attend, I do attend, and I give a gift. This little experience quite surprised me and I want to make sure I do the correct thing.

Aaaand after typing all that out....now I am wondering if this is simply a gimme tactic to get some extra gifts. Certainly hope not, but really, I don't consider myself close to any of the story characters anymore, why the heck are they "save the date"-ing me?

greencat

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Re: Save the Dates and possible response
« Reply #1 on: January 04, 2013, 05:51:32 PM »
Simply reply that you are unavailable for those dates, but would like to get their addresses to send them a card/gift (as appropriate, if you want to.)

Simple, inoffensive, to the point, and spares everyone the awkwardness over the guest list.

TootsNYC

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Re: Save the Dates and possible response
« Reply #2 on: January 04, 2013, 07:54:05 PM »
and you can give them your address, perhaps, so they can send you a holiday card for their first holiday together!

Hmmmmm

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Re: Save the Dates and possible response
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2013, 11:43:04 AM »
I think you just respond with your address.  You are not committing to a date by replying and at this point it is not required.  Once you receive the actual invitation you can then reply in the negative to both and are not required to do more than send a note of congratulations to either couple. 

AmethystAnne

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Re: Save the Dates and possible response
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2013, 12:02:02 PM »
I'm not really familiar with Save The Day announcements, online or otherwise.

Was it sent specifically to you via email individually?

OR was it sent via Facebook as a general announcement to everyone on the future brides' and grooms' friends lists or sent via email in a group email to everyone in their email address book?

Would it be rude to ignore the Save The Date, because you're an ex to the one and not a close friend to the others?




Jones

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Re: Save the Dates and possible response
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2013, 12:14:35 PM »
Sent via Facebook, as in an event invite with privacy settings in place, stating "So and So invited you to X", followed up with "I'd love you to come on X date, send me your address and we'll get you a real invitation". According to the number of invitees it doesn't add up to everyone on the friends lists, so I think it was a specific thing for some reason.

I marked a "no" to both. Alexandra knows where I live, if anyone wants to pursue it farther with a physical invitation I'll continue with a "sorry, that date doesn't work for me." I'm not going to worry further about a gift either.

I'm just going to write it off as "social weirdness" for now.

artk2002

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Re: Save the Dates and possible response
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2013, 12:18:25 PM »
I'm not really familiar with Save The Day announcements, online or otherwise.

Was it sent specifically to you via email individually?

OR was it sent via Facebook as a general announcement to everyone on the future brides' and grooms' friends lists or sent via email in a group email to everyone in their email address book?

Would it be rude to ignore the Save The Date, because you're an ex to the one and not a close friend to the others?

A Save The Date doesn't require a response so it's not rude to ignore it. The appropriate thing to do is to decline the actual invitation when it arrives. It might be nice to let the HC know in advance that the OP "won't be available" at the time, but it's not required.  The advice above to send a note that says, essentially, "Thank you for thinking of me but I'm not available then. What's your address so that I can send something." Then send a card or a token gift at the appropriate time.

BTW, Jones says that this is a FB invite which is not appropriate for a Save The Date since it really does require a response. "Other plans" is the right way to go.
Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bow lines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. -Mark Twain