Author Topic: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?  (Read 14304 times)

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Otterpop

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How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« on: January 04, 2013, 11:49:43 PM »
My DD, 17, was to go on her first overnight Anime' convention with a good friend "G" whom she's know for several years.  G organized the event, booked a hotel room and handpicked HER friends to occupy it with parental approval (DD did not know the other girls but G's mom assured me they were responsible and friendly).  As a result, DD spent this past year saving money, making her cos-play, studying for panels and scheduling events so the 3 days would be jam packed with activities from morning into late evening.

The night before the convention, 364 days after initiating this venture, G called DD and said she wasn't going.  With DD in tears I called the girl who said she felt "religiously convicted" against going.  Mind you, she's attended dozens of other Anime' events.  I even drove her and DD back and forth to one last year (2 hours round trip, once in morning then again to pick them up in the evening - Whew!!!  Hence the hotel room this year).  I said I respected her convictions but keeping your commitments when time, effort, money and emotions have been invested, was important as well.  I ended the conversation telling her that DD would have to back out of the hotel agreement/attending because she didn't know the other girls.  She was relying on G to introduce her and be a companion for the event.   Her mom called me immediately after and tried to defend her daughter.  I just stated we were blindsided at the last minute, disappointed and would do what we could to salvage the situation.

As of right now I am frustrated, angry and am driving DD back and forth so she can meet up w/ other friends during the day.  It  was 4 hours of driving again.  How do I go forward with relations with this mom and G?  Am I overreacting?  Is this an issue that should result in a cut direct?  (We've had one other flake-out in the past, but it was mild.  This feels nuclear!)
« Last Edit: January 05, 2013, 12:22:14 AM by Otterpop »

kudeebee

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #1 on: January 05, 2013, 12:08:22 AM »
I don't think you are overreacting.  It is hard to believe that the other girl, at the last minute, felt that she could not go.  I would assume that she has known this for awhile, but may not have had the courage to call and tell everyone until the last moment.  It is not right.

I don't think this deserves the cut direct.  I would be polite when you see them, but not go out of my way to spend time with them/talk with them.  I definitely would not let dd plan anything with this girl again as there have now been two incidents where she has flaked on your dd/family.

It is nice that you are driving dd back and forth so that she can attend.  I am sure your dd appreciates what you are doing for her.  Focus on that.

JenJay

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #2 on: January 05, 2013, 12:11:57 AM »
I've never been to an event like you describe and have no idea what goes in to preparing for one, so I'm not much help with advice. I would like to offer hugs for your DD, though. I'm sorry her friend's sudden religious/moral shift has impacted her in such a way. I'm glad for her that you've been able to shuttle her back and forth so that it wasn't a total loss. What we moms will do for our brokenhearted kids, huh?!

I, too, would have backed out of the shared accommodations and I'd probably pull back from the friendship. I definitely wouldn't make any kind of plans or commitments with her again. You may have to respect her convictions but you don't have to risk getting tangled up in them again.  :-\

bloo

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #3 on: January 05, 2013, 12:19:48 AM »
I've never been to an event like you describe and have no idea what goes in to preparing for one, so I'm not much help with advice. I would like to offer hugs for your DD, though. I'm sorry her friend's sudden religious/moral shift has impacted her in such a way. I'm glad for her that you've been able to shuttle her back and forth so that it wasn't a total loss. What we moms will do for our brokenhearted kids, huh?!

I, too, would have backed out of the shared accommodations and I'd probably pull back from the friendship. I definitely wouldn't make any kind of plans or commitments with her again. You may have to respect her convictions but you don't have to risk getting tangled up in them again.  :-\

I agree with JenJay.

I'm very sorry for you and your DD. Hugs to both of you. :(

Otterpop

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #4 on: January 05, 2013, 12:34:59 AM »
Thanks for the hugs and the advise.  It helps.  I agree with keeping my distance.  Not hard to do as we live in different cities (they met at camp).  I often had G stay for days at my home so the girls could hang out.  Not as much reciprocation on their part, but G was friendly and bright and DD really liked her.   She is going to attend college near us and her mom seemed keen on us having a connection.  I don't intend to foster that at this point. 

BTW we share the same faith, but I'm sensing a fundamental shift on their side.  The whole "conviction" speech sounded extreme.  I never knew Japanese cartoons could be considered "evil" and G has been going to conventions for years.  All I know is the rug was pulled out from under us.

« Last Edit: January 05, 2013, 12:46:12 AM by Otterpop »

NyaChan

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #5 on: January 05, 2013, 01:09:28 AM »
Regardless of her reasons, she should have informed you much, much sooner.  I am so sorry that your DD's experience of the convention was marred by this girl's inconsiderate behavior.  Having backed out at the last second, one would think that the family would have at least had the good grace to be apologetic, but it seems their convictions don't include feeling remorse.

JoyinVirginia

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #6 on: January 05, 2013, 01:33:30 AM »
If these folks live in another city, you can easily give them cut direct, just cease communication, unfriend from Facebook, etc. I have attended a couple of anime conventions, I completely understand how things were set up and that this is BIG mistake on friends part. Of course she did not decide the day before to not go to the convention! She had to have been considering this for a while. Maybe something else came up that is more attractive to her, and the conviction thing is an excuse.
I vote cut direct, or at very least minimal communication and no more invites to your house.

Cosplay is dressing up as favorite characters and sometimes joining with a group to perform a scene or skit, there are competitions for best costume usually. A really good anime convention will have guests who are voice actors, writers, artists, musicians, people from production companies, ask talking about what goes into making anime, being a professional writer or musician or all kinda of topics like that.

TootsNYC

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #7 on: January 05, 2013, 02:38:55 AM »
I thnk you were wrong to call up the other girl and chastise her directly.

At 17, they should be handling it between themselves, and your role should be to support your daughter.  You could make all those points to her, but it's not appropriate for a grownup to interject herself into the situation in that way.
   It's a form of throwing your weight around, because as a much-older adult and a partial parental figure, you really outrank her. You need to be careful not to play that card.
   And if you think parents should have been involved, then you should have gone to the other parent to make your point.

If they'd been younger, you should have gone to the other parent. But now that they're older, that doesn't mean you go to the other kid--it means you butt out.

As for how to react--I think that, too, is not your business. This is your daughter's friend, her life, and she should decide how she wants to handle it.

Emmy

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #8 on: January 05, 2013, 07:41:48 AM »
Regardless of her reasons, she should have informed you much, much sooner.  I am so sorry that your DD's experience of the convention was marred by this girl's inconsiderate behavior.  Having backed out at the last second, one would think that the family would have at least had the good grace to be apologetic, but it seems their convictions don't include feeling remorse.

This girl has an interesting set of convictions.  Suddenly going to a similar conference she has attending several times before is against her convictions.  Backing out at the last second, breaking a commitment to not only DD but the other girls, and not being apologetic or offering to pay back DD or the other friends (at least that wasn't expressed on this post) does not seem to be against her convictions.  She should have either backed out much earlier or kept her commitment to accompany her friends to the hotel and just stayed away from the convention if she felt convicted not to go. 

Sharnita

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #9 on: January 05, 2013, 08:33:17 AM »
Mixed feelings. Epiphanies can't be scheduled - would have been more convenient flr Stephen if Paul had his road to  Damasciss experience earlier. Saying this girl should have said something sooner might not be realistic because it could be a brand new conviction.

Cooling the relationship seems like a natural outcome because they no longer share that interest. A sudden cut seems a bit OTT since distance creates a buffer anyway.

I do think DD had some options. She could.have gone anyway. Yes the other girls would have been strangers at first but then that is similar to camp and she has gone there. I don't blame her for being upset or choosing not to go but it seems like going was still a choice.

Piratelvr1121

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #10 on: January 05, 2013, 08:57:05 AM »
I have to say, I'm rather suspicious of the sudden "convictions" that are so last minute when she never had a problem going before.  I might be wrong and it may be that fundamental shift, but in reading the OP, the feeling I instantly got was "The other girls decided they didn't want OP's DD there or someone else wanted to go and they decided to bump the DD to make room and made up this story to cover it"

Though I guess if OP is going to drive her daughter too and from anyway they could be easily caught in their lie so perhaps not.  The other option perhaps is that the girl got grounded and is now no longer allowed to go but was too embarrassed to tell your DD.

Either way, it's too bad they couldn't have said anything before now.  I wouldn't cut the girl out but I sure wouldn't commit to any plans like this again.
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rose red

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #11 on: January 05, 2013, 09:21:42 AM »
I'm suspicious too.  A shift happened overnight and the exact day before the convention?

I agree with backing off on the friendship.

MorgnsGrl

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #12 on: January 05, 2013, 09:27:58 AM »
I don't think you're overreacting -- your DD was so disappointed, AND it caused a lot of work for you with all the driving. But it doesn't sound like you need the cut direct here, just a perfectly reasonable backing-off from the friendship. The whole thing sounds horrible and confusing. I do wonder if the story you've been given is inaccurate, but I don't know if you'll ever find out the truth, so probably best to take it at face value. Maybe your daughter will make friends with the other girls she was meant to room-share with and some good will come of the situation, at least. I hope she has fun at the convention even without the room.

Tea Drinker

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #13 on: January 05, 2013, 09:34:32 AM »
They definitely should have given you and your daughter more notice and/or, from the sound of it, more of an apology. Even if the other girl now sincerely believes that she shouldn't attend anime cons, she knows that she has disappointed your daughter and complicated if not ruined her weekend's plans.

I wonder whether it wasn't your daughter's friend who suddenly feels a religious conviction against going, but one or both of her parents have decided it would be inappropriate, and she preferred to state it as her own changed belief than as "my Dad says I can't do this." That would make sense of the last-minute thing, if she had been trying to convince him otherwise. It's still cowardly and unfair to your daughter, but it makes a bit more sense of the timing, rather than an epiphany at just the time that happened to be least convenient for several other people.
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oopsie

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #14 on: January 05, 2013, 09:59:20 AM »
Not cool, not cool at all. I would be very upset if it happened to me or my daughter. I don't know if it's right or wrong, but my first instinct would be to back away from the friendship as well.