How to move forward after major hurt to DD?

[Otterpop]

Toots, the girl is 19 and in community college, transferring to a university near me.  We've known G since both girls were in HS, my daughter is now a senior.  Calling G was in order because she had just called my daughter, DD was in tears and G was the organizer of the event.  I think she was plenty old enough and responsible enough for me to ask questions of and express grief to.  But, DD only, will deal with her from now on, if at all.

I've been very encouraging and supportive of this girl and her college efforts (even took her on a tour of the college near me before she decided to come here).  Maybe I've been too accommodating.  This was one of the few times G was going to reciprocate.  You are all right that I will should scale back.  I won't be rude, insulting or stew in anger.  I'm just going to be silent.

(BTW daughter is having a great time without her, or the other girls.  We're just dropping off at 10am and picking up again at 10pm.  4 hours of driving, grrrrrr...let it go, let it go...Thank you!!!)

[Lynn2000]

OP, I think it's great you were able to take DD to this anyway, so she can still have some fun at the event. I would be extremely disappointed with G and I don't think I would want anything to do with her anymore. Not necessarily a cut direct as in, if you saw her on the street you'd walk on by ignoring her, but no need to help/encourage DD to be her friend any longer.

As you say, you've been accommodating to her in the past, and she hasn't reciprocated much, and now she's flaked out on something huge at the last minute. I'm not saying her religious beliefs couldn't be genuine and sudden, but if they are, she had a lot of other options besides doing what she did, such as going with DD to the hotel and socializing with her and the other girls but not actually attending the convention, or offering heartfelt apologies to DD for her disappointment and inconvenience.

I think you were okay to talk to the girl directly, for clarification of the sudden change in plans, since it seems like they were going to have a very definite effect on you--either you were going to be driving DD to the convention (which you did) or you weren't going to have the house to yourself that weekend any longer. I would want to get clarification personally too in that situation. I get the grey area with relations between young adult children; but the other girl is a legal adult, going to college, so she should be able to handle talking to another adult and hearing how her actions have inconvenienced her, not just her friend.

[DollyPond]

I have to say, I'm rather suspicious of the sudden "convictions" that are so last minute when she never had a problem going before.  I might be wrong and it may be that fundamental shift, but in reading the OP, the feeling I instantly got was "The other girls decided they didn't want OP's DD there or someone else wanted to go and they decided to bump the DD to make room and made up this story to cover it"

Though I guess if OP is going to drive her daughter too and from anyway they could be easily caught in their lie so perhaps not.  The other option perhaps is that the girl got grounded and is now no longer allowed to go but was too embarrassed to tell your DD.

Either way, it's too bad they couldn't have said anything before now.  I wouldn't cut the girl out but I sure wouldn't commit to any plans like this again.

Yes and I would say that if DD sees G and her other friends at the convention she will know just how "strong" those moral convictions really are!

[Piratelvr1121]

I've never been to a con, but DH once commissioned someone on Etsy to make a costume for me for Halloween (Skuld from Ah My Goddess) and it took a lot of work and was not cheap but it was beautifully done from the wig to the shoes. 

And I've heard of how much work people go through for these things, so I would be not only upset but livid in your DD's position, though I'm glad she still went so all that work didn't go to waste. 

I do hope for your DD's sake that she does not see G with the friends.

[EMuir]

I have to say that you are the best parent ever for still driving her there.  I bet she will remember your kindness for a long time.  I bet she's having a great time and may meet new friends who she can stay with next year! Just write off G and move on, I do agree you were OK to chastise her for bowing out so late, because apparently her parents wouldn't have.

[Otterpop]

Thank you.  We're making lemonade out of lemons and are feeling better.  My DH has taken on some of the responsibility of driving (unusual for him) so it's lightening the load and is "bonding" us.  It will all be funny, someday. 

DD is having a great time, has hooked up with other HS friends and has met some new.  We are periodically checking in through text and feel comfortable with the environment. 

As for G, she is definitely not there.  Her roomies are, but DD has not met up with them.  She read some of their twitter feed and they were MAD.  Apparently there's been some blow-back from other parents on the increased cost and having to drive (G was the PAID ride for 3 others).  Curiously, DD said G has been posting pictures of herself, alone, in cosplay (costumes) on Facebook.  If this were a "religious issue" wouldn't that be a no-no?  This gets weirder and weirder.  You all were probably right to think her parents pressured her not to go and she used the "personal conviction" route as an excuse.  We are definitely steering clear of them in the future.

I really, really appreciate the cooler heads here on this forum.  It's so hard when your in the midst of a dust up, to recognize your own responses.  You all are like a solid rudder in rough waters.  (My few close girlfriends concur with this forum). 

[LazyDaisy]

My first thought wasn't that G had a new found religious conviction about anime or cosplay, but the sharing a hotel room at a convention with the group. 1) Perhaps some of the other girls were talking about drinking or hooking up with guys etc. and realized that she didn't want to be a part of the party atmosphere that a group of kids at a convention could entail. 2) Another idea is that she had a spat or something with one or more of the other girls before she decided to pull out but somehow reasoned that it would be causing drama if she said that was the reason. 3) The age difference could be a factor -- this girl (and probably her other friends) are, while only a few years older, moving into different stages in life. Hanging out with a girl who is still in high school, and isn't independent enough to drive herself or take public transportation might feel stiffling.

In any case, your daughter sounds like she's better off cooling on this friendship.

[DollyPond]

  Curiously, DD said G has been posting pictures of herself, alone, in cosplay (costumes) on Facebook.  If this were a "religious issue" wouldn't that be a no-no? 

Maybe G did something that got her grounded by her parents and came up with this story as a cover so she wouldn't have to actually admit what she did.

[Piratelvr1121]

That's what I'm starting to think too.

[Elfmama]

My first thought wasn't that G had a new found religious conviction about anime or cosplay, but the sharing a hotel room at a convention with the group. 1) Perhaps some of the other girls were talking about drinking or hooking up with guys etc. and realized that she didn't want to be a part of the party atmosphere that a group of kids at a convention could entail.

If that was the case, wouldn't she have told the OP or her DD, so that she could warn them about these unsavory activities?  She didn't know that DD would pull out; what if she'd gone on as planned, just without G's presence? 

[Otterpop]

Yeah, her mom would have warned me.  She's way more conservative than I.  But, anything's possible...

[LazyDaisy]

My first thought wasn't that G had a new found religious conviction about anime or cosplay, but the sharing a hotel room at a convention with the group. 1) Perhaps some of the other girls were talking about drinking or hooking up with guys etc. and realized that she didn't want to be a part of the party atmosphere that a group of kids at a convention could entail.

If that was the case, wouldn't she have told the OP or her DD, so that she could warn them about these unsavory activities?  She didn't know that DD would pull out; what if she'd gone on as planned, just without G's presence?

Not necessarily and it's just one alternate theory since G's subsequent behavior doesn't appear she has a problem with the cosplay part. G could feel like she's the odd one out even though she initially organized the event and doesn't want to be teased for being the prude or goody-two-shoes. We've had stories on this site where people have initiated an activity, invited others and then had the others hijack the activity to turn it into something that wasn't the original intent. Also, perhaps I read it wrong, but it sounds like G is already out of her parent's house (in college near Otterpop) and some of the other girls are her college roommates so grounding by the parents would be...strange.

ETA: now that I reread a bit more -- all of this parental involvement is odd to me for girls of this age. It makes it sound like they are in middle school rather than in college, except for Otterpop's daughter.

[FoxPaws]

I'm glad things are working out for your DD. She's lucky to have a Mom who has her back.

I think how to move forward may be a moot point. I suspect the people in her life who do not share G's recently acquired, deeply held convictions are going to be the next thing to go and the situation will resolve itself. It's even possible that her college plans will change once she starts factoring in her new beliefs.

[cicero]

I'm sorry this happened to your DD but I'm glad that you have her back and she is able to enjoy the convention anyway.

I do think that by 12th grade (age 17?) your DD should handle this on her own, whether you knew the girl or not, but I understand why you did make the call to G.

[laceandbits]

Shame she isn't also religiously convicted about hurting people and facing up to commitments and responsibilities.