Author Topic: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?  (Read 12722 times)

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Otterpop

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #30 on: January 06, 2013, 10:59:00 AM »
Shame she isn't also religiously convicted about hurting people and facing up to commitments and responsibilities.

That's exactly what I took away from this incident.  I'm of their same faith but I don't have "epiphanies" or "visions" that cause me to hurt other people.  The last time they bugged out on us it was because of "convictions" as well (My DD's birthday party...really?  Luckily 11 other people were coming).

I think this all had to do with money after all.  They'll have 2 at university now and money is tight.  Mom probably thought this con was a waste of G's resources.  I would have respected that explanation better.

JenJay

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #31 on: January 06, 2013, 02:05:15 PM »
Shame she isn't also religiously convicted about hurting people and facing up to commitments and responsibilities.

That's exactly what I took away from this incident.  I'm of their same faith but I don't have "epiphanies" or "visions" that cause me to hurt other people.  The last time they bugged out on us it was because of "convictions" as well (My DD's birthday party...really?  Luckily 11 other people were coming).

I think this all had to do with money after all.  They'll have 2 at university now and money is tight.  Mom probably thought this con was a waste of G's resources.  I would have respected that explanation better.

Sounds like they use "religious convictions" as an excuse to back out of plans because they know it can't really be argued with. I mean, who's going to say "I don't care about your stupid religious convictions. You promised!"? Nobody. Whereas if they just said "I don't feel like going anymore." or "It turns out I can't afford it. Sorry for the last minute notice." or whatever people would be justifiably upset. Super lame.

weeblewobble

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #32 on: January 06, 2013, 02:16:50 PM »
Is it wrong that I'd like to know how a birthday party conflicted with their convictions?

Elfmama

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #33 on: January 06, 2013, 02:24:53 PM »
Sounds like they use "religious convictions" as an excuse to back out of plans because they know it can't really be argued with.
And they don't seem to think that this puts their "religious convictions" in a really, really bad light.  All the way from  "Don't bother sending Susan an invitation.  She couldn't come to my party because of their religious beliefs, so her mother won't let her come to yours." to "Those Purple Feather people have really weird beliefs.  It's OK to make a costume, but not wear it in public."
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Yvaine

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #34 on: January 06, 2013, 02:31:51 PM »
Shame she isn't also religiously convicted about hurting people and facing up to commitments and responsibilities.

That's exactly what I took away from this incident.  I'm of their same faith but I don't have "epiphanies" or "visions" that cause me to hurt other people.  The last time they bugged out on us it was because of "convictions" as well (My DD's birthday party...really?  Luckily 11 other people were coming).

I think this all had to do with money after all.  They'll have 2 at university now and money is tight.  Mom probably thought this con was a waste of G's resources.  I would have respected that explanation better.

I'm thinking "G blew the money on something else, assumed she could make it back, didn't, and panicked at the last second." And no, you are not overreacting to be upset. If I were your daughter, I'd be in a rage. I'm so glad she still got to go.

PeterM

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #35 on: January 06, 2013, 02:48:01 PM »
Is it wrong that I'd like to know how a birthday party conflicted with their convictions?

"Holy Toledo! I completely forgot we're Jehovah's Witnesses!"

Melde

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #36 on: January 06, 2013, 04:11:33 PM »

"Holy Toledo! I completely forgot we're Jehovah's Witnesses!"

I hate it when I do that!  :)

Otterpop

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #37 on: January 06, 2013, 04:55:21 PM »
Heh, heh.  You guys are making me laugh!  No we're not JW, just protestant.  But there are varying degrees of liberalism/fundamentalism here as there are in basically every group on earth.  I try to be moderate and inclusive as a rule (I'm sure some would call me too permissive, others too uptight.  Bah humbug to both...)

The birthday party was declined (the night before) because G's mother felt she was being too social, not taking care of her family responsibilities, not spending enough time in her ministry at church.  I respected her decision and took it in stride.   DD was disappointed but we had 11 other people to have fun with.

This time G was the sole connection, the lynch pin of the entire operation.  This was NOT cool.

The con is over for DD, cut 1 day short because we're too exhausted from driving.  She had a good time on the 2 days she attended.  Next year she will be driving herself.  "Yee Haw!!!"  I wonder if G will be there...

Thank you wise posters for the marvelous input!!!  You've given me a lot to mull over.
« Last Edit: January 06, 2013, 04:59:07 PM by Otterpop »

TurtleDove

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #38 on: January 06, 2013, 05:27:41 PM »
I think Toots and other PPs got it right that the parental involvement is way too much for the DD and G. I think the DD should handle itself and I don't think the OP did he any favors stepping in. I would have been furious had my parents done that to me when I was a senior in high school. Then again, 8 would have driven myself and saw this as an opportunity to make new friends, and it sounds like the DD did that :-)

OP, I don't know your daughter or the type of people she prefers to spend time with, but when I was her age I would back away from a friend whose mom is so involved in personal friendship issues to the point of chastising friends. In my opinion, it is best to arm kids and you g adults to fend for themselves, knowing their parents are there to support them.

Sharnita

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #39 on: January 06, 2013, 05:30:24 PM »
I think once she flaked on hte party, especially due to religious convictions, there was some assumed risk in makeing plans with her. It doesn't mean that DD can't or shouldn't make plans but I definitely would let her take charge.

Lynn2000

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #40 on: January 06, 2013, 05:45:15 PM »
I think Toots and other PPs got it right that the parental involvement is way too much for the DD and G. I think the DD should handle itself and I don't think the OP did he any favors stepping in. I would have been furious had my parents done that to me when I was a senior in high school. Then again, 8 would have driven myself and saw this as an opportunity to make new friends, and it sounds like the DD did that :-)

OP, I don't know your daughter or the type of people she prefers to spend time with, but when I was her age I would back away from a friend whose mom is so involved in personal friendship issues to the point of chastising friends. In my opinion, it is best to arm kids and you g adults to fend for themselves, knowing their parents are there to support them.

I don't want to speak for the OP, but I got the impression her DD basically asked her for help with the situation, not that DD was handling it just fine and the OP overstepped her (which might make DD furious, as TurtleDove describes of herself). Also to me, the fact that the most viable solution involved a lot of sudden commitment (hours of driving) from the OP, means that the OP did need to be somewhat involved, quickly, since this all took place the night before the convention began. To me, it's a different situation than, say, G standing DD up for lunch at a nearby location, where it would be kind of weird for the OP to call G about it.
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Jones

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #41 on: January 06, 2013, 08:20:58 PM »
I'll admit it was 10 years ago, but when I was a senior in high school it was common for parents to be this involved in me/my friends' lives. I was the odd one out really, because my parents would go on long vacations and leave me home to work, but they made up for not meddling when they got home.

baglady

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #42 on: January 06, 2013, 08:35:50 PM »
I think Toots and other PPs got it right that the parental involvement is way too much for the DD and G. I think the DD should handle itself and I don't think the OP did he any favors stepping in. I would have been furious had my parents done that to me when I was a senior in high school. Then again, 8 would have driven myself and saw this as an opportunity to make new friends, and it sounds like the DD did that :-)

I assumed that the reason OP drove her daughter was because DD couldn't drive herself for some reason: Her parents couldn't spare the car for the entire day/weekend, or she doesn't have her license yet (I didn't get mine until late in my senior year), or she's still under 18 and lives in a place where driving hours for minors are restricted.
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TootsNYC

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #43 on: January 06, 2013, 09:14:19 PM »
it's not the driving I objected to--it's the calling the other girl and telling her how bad her behavior was.

If the parent needs to be involved, then the parent should be speaking to the other *parent*--otherwise, I think it should stay between the kids, and the OP should have kept her involvement to: speaking with and supporting and encouraging and offering perspective to her own daughter; and driving.

misha412

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #44 on: January 06, 2013, 09:26:04 PM »
G is a legal adult at 19. The OP's DD is not at 17. The OP has had a relationship with G in the past. The OP was trusting G to help her DD get to and from the convention as well as being there to introduce her to the rest of the party. The OP and her DD were counting on G to live up to her end of the bargain. G did not.

The OP has a right to express her disappointment to another adult (G) about that person's actions.

If G and the OP's daughters were both under age, I would say the mother should call the other mother to express disappointment. But, once G became a legal adult ready to take on adult responsibilities (organizing an anime convention trip for a group) she is old enough for the OP to communicate directly with.

I will not comment on the reason why G cancelled. I think that point is moot to the discussion at this point. If I were the OP and her DD, I would distance G in the future. No need for a cut direct, but friendly strangers is about right.