Author Topic: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?  (Read 13651 times)

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TurtleDove

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #45 on: January 06, 2013, 10:43:41 PM »
Also to me, the fact that the most viable solution involved a lot of sudden commitment (hours of driving) from the OP, means that the OP did need to be somewhat involved, quickly, since this all took place the night before the convention began.

To me, this is something between the OP and the DD. I don't see what calling G to express disappointment or to chastise her does other than muddy the waters.  Was the goal to somehow shame G into driving the DD? 

Regarding the DD asking the OP to step in (if that is what happens), if it were my daughter I would think I would coach her on how to handle it herself.  If the 19 year old is expected to handle adult interaction, I would especially want to "train" my 17 year old how to handle herself before she is off to fend for herself once she turns 18.

MariaE

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #46 on: January 07, 2013, 12:44:13 AM »
That's not an etiquette issue though, but a parenting one. And as such irrelevant/inappropriate for this forum.
 
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Erich L-ster

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #47 on: January 07, 2013, 04:14:02 AM »
I would stop one inch away from cut direct. I wouldn't initiate any contact but would speak to them when they initiate, but I would keep it short and distant.

They should be apologizing profusely, not making excuses.

Otterpop

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #48 on: January 07, 2013, 08:51:26 AM »
I would stop one inch away from cut direct. I wouldn't initiate any contact but would speak to them when they initiate, but I would keep it short and distant.

They should be apologizing profusely, not making excuses.

This exactly ^^^.  I don't expect any apology, just more justification so, no initiation from me.  I'm hoping DD will strengthen other friendships from now on.

P.S.  this resulted in A LOT of last minute scrambling from our family (yes, under 18 restricted driver), a distressed teen meltdown, and a year of saving, planning, preparing on DD's part.  I was forced to step in.  If a legal adult doesn't want to hear how they threw us into upheaval...don't throw us into upheaval. ::)  G's majority status, yet still close to DD's age, was precisely the reason I was comfortable letting her go overnight in the first place.  When DD's in college, and mostly handling her own affairs my input won't be necessary.  There are degrees of separation and HS is not there yet.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2013, 09:00:46 AM by Otterpop »

bopper

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #49 on: January 07, 2013, 09:07:43 AM »
Can you pay for a hotel and spend the night (to make it easier on you?)  It might be a good mom-daughter bonding time...unless the problem is that DD has nobody to hang out with at the convention?

Otterpop

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #50 on: January 07, 2013, 09:57:29 AM »
Good suggestion, we discussed that.  DD nixed that idea  ::).  We're kind of in a "gap" stage where she needs me for some things (emotional support, money) but would be mortified otherwise.  I might have enjoyed it though  ;D.  And yes, she did not know anyone else who was going.

She put out texts and Facebook messages last minute to find a few people she knew there.  Never did find the roomies but watched their twitter feed.  (Plus, I last-minute partly paid for a day pass/ drove another friend to ensure she was with someone...another expense...did not mention that because it would start another discussion...it was really a hot mess of a situation.)

Thank you though.  DD says next year, SHE'LL take charge.  Yay!!!
« Last Edit: January 07, 2013, 10:07:15 AM by Otterpop »

TurtleDove

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #51 on: January 07, 2013, 10:07:50 AM »
That's not an etiquette issue though, but a parenting one. And as such irrelevant/inappropriate for this forum.

I can't tell if this is directed to me, but yes, I agree, which is why I posted what I did. As far as the etiquette, I think confronting G was outside the bounds of etiquette because there is nothing it would accomplish other than shaming G. As far as how to move forward, I don't think etiquette-wise this has anything to do with the OP aside from her parenting of her DD.

Otterpop

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #52 on: January 07, 2013, 10:13:14 AM »
That's not an etiquette issue though, but a parenting one. And as such irrelevant/inappropriate for this forum.

I can't tell if this is directed to me, but yes, I agree, which is why I posted what I did. As far as the etiquette, I think confronting G was outside the bounds of etiquette because there is nothing it would accomplish other than shaming G. As far as how to move forward, I don't think etiquette-wise this has anything to do with the OP aside from her parenting of her DD.

I think trying to find out why and maybe getting her to change her mind would be completely within the bounds of etiquette.  You don't know what's going on until you talk to the person.  DD was crying and couldn't speak.  Totally appropriate to step in, given that I had a relationship with G as well.

My original post was from utter confusion about my position.  The responses helped me clarify that and will help in going forward from here.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2013, 10:16:15 AM by Otterpop »

Wordgeek

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #53 on: January 07, 2013, 10:21:29 AM »
Training child in etiquette is definitely a relevant topic for the forum.  When a parent should step in to assist an offspring and when s/he should coach the offspring to handle matters independently would also be relevant, especially in a situation like this, which involves a near-adult offspring and a young adult friend.  Since it's the OP's family, the OP has more knowledge of the people involved and I see no evidence that her judgement should be mistrusted.

Every situation has personal nuances, including ones related to family and offspring.
« Last Edit: January 07, 2013, 10:23:48 AM by Wordgeek »

rose red

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #54 on: January 07, 2013, 10:38:57 AM »
How many times on this forum do we advice posters to confront (not attack) those who disappointed or did us/our family wrong?  The friend needs to know her actions affected others; that they are not going to just shrug and say "Oh well.  It's fine." and continue to be friends like nothing happened.  Better to learn now then later in life when the consequences might be major.

TurtleDove

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #55 on: January 07, 2013, 10:47:02 AM »
How many times on this forum do we advice posters to confront (not attack) those who disappointed or did us/our family wrong?  The friend needs to know her actions affected others; that they are not going to just shrug and say "Oh well.  It's fine." and continue to be friends like nothing happened.  Better to learn now then later in life when the consequences might be major.

I think most of us agree with this, it's just that some of think DD should have talked to G instead of the OP.

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #56 on: January 07, 2013, 11:24:22 PM »
From what I gather from the first post and other posts afterwards, that the OP's DD would be at least two hours away with a gathering of one mutal friend and a few people that her DD did not know yet. With, from what I understand, G being just over the legal age and the OP's DD still being a MINOR. Of which G decided to, at the last minute, to cancel any plans that had minors involved at a place two hours or more away from their parents. And this left not only the OP in a bind but others as well to scramble around to find ways to get to the appointed destination.

As a parent, the OP had every right to confront the ADULT of the group for her still MINOR DD and ask as to why she cancelled at the last possible second.

Seraphine1

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #57 on: January 08, 2013, 03:21:35 AM »
Good suggestion, we discussed that.  DD nixed that idea  ::).  We're kind of in a "gap" stage where she needs me for some things (emotional support, money) but would be mortified otherwise.  I might have enjoyed it though  ;D.  And yes, she did not know anyone else who was going.

She put out texts and Facebook messages last minute to find a few people she knew there.  Never did find the roomies but watched their twitter feed.  (Plus, I last-minute partly paid for a day pass/ drove another friend to ensure she was with someone...another expense...did not mention that because it would start another discussion...it was really a hot mess of a situation.)

Thank you though.  DD says next year, SHE'LL take charge.  Yay!!!

She nixed the idea?  Seriously?  You went above and beyond when her friend flaked out on her... and she shot down an idea that would have saved you half of all that driving?

What were her other options?  Not going was one of them.  She wouldn't have been able to go if you hadn't taken her.  I really hope she appreciates this help you gave her so she could have a fun experience.  I'm rather annoyed that she wouldn't consider staying over in a hotel with you, lest it cramp her style.


iridaceae

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #58 on: January 08, 2013, 05:05:39 AM »
Good suggestion, we discussed that.  DD nixed that idea  ::).  We're kind of in a "gap" stage where she needs me for some things (emotional support, money) but would be mortified otherwise.  I might have enjoyed it though  ;D.  And yes, she did not know anyone else who was going.She nixed the idea?  Seriously?  You went above and beyond when her friend flaked out on her... and she shot down an idea that would have saved you half of all that driving?



She's also a 17 year-old. I remember being mortified on many occasions at being seen in public with my parents when I was 17 or so. Lots of teens do this.

Heck my brother is 19 and just getting past this stage.

Snooks

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Re: How to move forward after major hurt to DD?
« Reply #59 on: January 08, 2013, 06:10:28 AM »
Good suggestion, we discussed that.  DD nixed that idea  ::).  We're kind of in a "gap" stage where she needs me for some things (emotional support, money) but would be mortified otherwise.  I might have enjoyed it though  ;D.  And yes, she did not know anyone else who was going.

She put out texts and Facebook messages last minute to find a few people she knew there.  Never did find the roomies but watched their twitter feed.  (Plus, I last-minute partly paid for a day pass/ drove another friend to ensure she was with someone...another expense...did not mention that because it would start another discussion...it was really a hot mess of a situation.)

Thank you though.  DD says next year, SHE'LL take charge.  Yay!!!

She nixed the idea?  Seriously?  You went above and beyond when her friend flaked out on her... and she shot down an idea that would have saved you half of all that driving?

What were her other options?  Not going was one of them.  She wouldn't have been able to go if you hadn't taken her.  I really hope she appreciates this help you gave her so she could have a fun experience.  I'm rather annoyed that she wouldn't consider staying over in a hotel with you, lest it cramp her style.

I suspect that the time for arguing that point is not when you have an extremely upset 17 year old in front of you.  No point in throwing further spanners in the works.