How to move forward after major hurt to DD?

[MariaE]

Good suggestion, we discussed that.  DD nixed that idea  .  We're kind of in a "gap" stage where she needs me for some things (emotional support, money) but would be mortified otherwise.  I might have enjoyed it though  .  And yes, she did not know anyone else who was going.

She put out texts and Facebook messages last minute to find a few people she knew there.  Never did find the roomies but watched their twitter feed.  (Plus, I last-minute partly paid for a day pass/ drove another friend to ensure she was with someone...another expense...did not mention that because it would start another discussion...it was really a hot mess of a situation.)

Thank you though.  DD says next year, SHE'LL take charge.  Yay!!!

She nixed the idea?  Seriously?  You went above and beyond when her friend flaked out on her... and she shot down an idea that would have saved you half of all that driving?

What were her other options?  Not going was one of them.  She wouldn't have been able to go if you hadn't taken her.  I really hope she appreciates this help you gave her so she could have a fun experience.  I'm rather annoyed that she wouldn't consider staying over in a hotel with you, lest it cramp her style.

I suspect that the time for arguing that point is not when you have an extremely upset 17 year old in front of you.  No point in throwing further spanners in the works.

Agreed. Pick your battles. Not everything has to be a life lesson. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do to their kid is to just love on them.

[Seraphine1]

Good suggestion, we discussed that.  DD nixed that idea  .  We're kind of in a "gap" stage where she needs me for some things (emotional support, money) but would be mortified otherwise.  I might have enjoyed it though  .  And yes, she did not know anyone else who was going.

She put out texts and Facebook messages last minute to find a few people she knew there.  Never did find the roomies but watched their twitter feed.  (Plus, I last-minute partly paid for a day pass/ drove another friend to ensure she was with someone...another expense...did not mention that because it would start another discussion...it was really a hot mess of a situation.)

Thank you though.  DD says next year, SHE'LL take charge.  Yay!!!

She nixed the idea?  Seriously?  You went above and beyond when her friend flaked out on her... and she shot down an idea that would have saved you half of all that driving?

What were her other options?  Not going was one of them.  She wouldn't have been able to go if you hadn't taken her.  I really hope she appreciates this help you gave her so she could have a fun experience.  I'm rather annoyed that she wouldn't consider staying over in a hotel with you, lest it cramp her style.

I suspect that the time for arguing that point is not when you have an extremely upset 17 year old in front of you.  No point in throwing further spanners in the works.

Agreed. Pick your battles. Not everything has to be a life lesson. Sometimes the best thing a parent can do to their kid is to just love on them.

I understand about loving your child and picking your battles, but I really think it's beyond the pale that she's be that ungrateful.  I'm seeing this from both sides - as a mother and a daughter.

I would have put it to her this way: "Daughter, seeing as your friend flaked out on you and left you without transportation, I've decided to take you myself.  But I'd rather stay overnight rather than drive back twice - it's a long drive, especially doing it back and forth so many times."   If I were the daughter, I'd be grateful that I'd get to go, not that my mother was going to embarrass me (unless that's a frequent occurance?)

YMMV, but I still feel she owes her mother a huge thank you for bailing her out of this mess with her flaky friend.  Many parents would have just said "well, there's nothing I can do about it".  The OP went above and beyond, and she has a lucky daughter.

[TurtleDove]

Unless I misunderstood, the DD could have stayed with the original group of girls. If it were me, that is what I would have done (and if I were the OP what I would have encouraged DD to do). Essentially, DD backed out of paying for her portion of the hotel too so etiquette wise she's not much better than G.

[LeveeWoman]

Unless I misunderstood, the DD could have stayed with the original group of girls. If it were me, that is what I would have done (and if I were the OP what I would have encouraged DD to do). Essentially, DD backed out of paying for her portion of the hotel too so etiquette wise she's not much better than G.

I trust Otterpop knows her child and her situation sufficiently to determine what was proper.

[MariaE]

YMMV, but I still feel she owes her mother a huge thank you for bailing her out of this mess with her flaky friend.  Many parents would have just said "well, there's nothing I can do about it".  The OP went above and beyond, and she has a lucky daughter.

Oh, absolutely! I agree with you completely there. But there's nothing to indicate that the OP's daughter didn't give her mother a huge thank you.

[TurtleDove]

Unless I misunderstood, the DD could have stayed with the original group of girls. If it were me, that is what I would have done (and if I were the OP what I would have encouraged DD to do). Essentially, DD backed out of paying for her portion of the hotel too so etiquette wise she's not much better than G.

I trust Otterpop knows her child and her situation sufficiently to determine what was proper.

I was pointing out that from an etiquette perspective, the DD did exactly what G did. Using your rationale, G also gets a pass because I trust she also knows herself well enough to determine what was proper.  Both girls chose to back out of plans with people who were counting on them sharing a hotel room.

[bloo]

Unless I misunderstood, the DD could have stayed with the original group of girls. If it were me, that is what I would have done (and if I were the OP what I would have encouraged DD to do). Essentially, DD backed out of paying for her portion of the hotel too so etiquette wise she's not much better than G.

I trust Otterpop knows her child and her situation sufficiently to determine what was proper.

I was pointing out that from an etiquette perspective, the DD did exactly what G did. Using your rationale, G also gets a pass because I trust she also knows herself well enough to determine what was proper.  Both girls chose to back out of plans with people who were counting on them sharing a hotel room.

Actually Turtledove, that is a really good point.

The only reasons I give DD a 'pass' in my mind are:

1) I seem to recall that DD was only rooming with the other girls that G knows and felt uncomfortable sharing a room w/o G there,
2) and according to OP the other girls' Twitter feeds indicated they were ticked at G, not at DD, for G pulling out so I assumed they put the responsibility on G when she pulled out for losing 2 people who'd be sharing the cost of the room.

[Yvaine]

Unless I misunderstood, the DD could have stayed with the original group of girls. If it were me, that is what I would have done (and if I were the OP what I would have encouraged DD to do). Essentially, DD backed out of paying for her portion of the hotel too so etiquette wise she's not much better than G.

I trust Otterpop knows her child and her situation sufficiently to determine what was proper.

I was pointing out that from an etiquette perspective, the DD did exactly what G did. Using your rationale, G also gets a pass because I trust she also knows herself well enough to determine what was proper.  Both girls chose to back out of plans with people who were counting on them sharing a hotel room.

Actually Turtledove, that is a really good point.

The only reasons I give DD a 'pass' in my mind are:

1) I seem to recall that DD was only rooming with the other girls that G knows and felt uncomfortable sharing a room w/o G there,
2) and according to OP the other girls' Twitter feeds indicated they were ticked at G, not at DD, for G pulling out so I assumed they put the responsibility on G when she pulled out for losing 2 people who'd be sharing the cost of the room.

And I'd also figured that the OP's daughter and the other girls paid G already, and thus G backed out taking all the girls' money with her so everyone was starting again at zero. Probably a point in need of clarification.

[Otterpop]

1.  DD knew NONE of the other girls nor had she ever met them.  I was not going to drop of my high schooler to whomever for 3  days.  G was the sole connection and a trusted friend.  Plus she was the adult with the room reservation.  G left NO time to get other roomies or have us meet beforehand.  I don't know who took it over but none of them blamed daughter. 

2.  This was a sold out con, rooms are were 250 per night, if I could get one.  Spending $500, and 3 days in a hotel near our airport while another daughter was left at home was CRAZY, but I offered anyway.  Desperate times.  (I'm glad daughter nixed it).

3.  My piece of mind was worth the driving.  Salvaging the money, planning, emotions was worth the effort.  DD was very grateful to me and dad.  She also learned that she can't always rely on friends.  She wants to be in charge next year (which means we start planning now... )

I feel very comfortable with all my actions, which is unusual for me.  Maybe it's maturity, maybe it's reading here for almost 4 years now.  (Thank you E-Hell!!!)  I understand there will never be 100% consensus in any situation.  People with teens understand that situations unravel and you have to scramble to salvage what you can.  We'll see what happens, if anything, with G in the future.  So far we've gotten only blessed silence...and lots of cosplay pictures.

[Lynn2000]

ETA: Thanks for clarifying, OP!

I was thinking that DD's sharing of the room was always contingent on G being there, too, and that--conceptually, at least--DD really didn't have an agreement with the other girls, only with G. Of course it depends on what DD and G agreed, and on what G and the other girls agreed, and we may have no way of knowing those things exactly; except that as the OP said, the other girls all blame G for messing things up.

I wonder how the situation would look if G had had to drop out at the last minute because, say, she broke her leg? Her sudden, voluntary flakiness and lack of respect for everyone else's plans cast a big shadow over the rest of the situation... but fundamentally, is it any different than if a medical emergency had forced her out? Just a hypothetical.

[Seraphine1]

Thanks as well for the clarification, OP!

It sounds like you have a lovely daughter, and I'm really glad you were able to save the day.  Hopefully G will learn from all this and grow up.

[zyrs]

You mentioned that G was the prepaid driver for everyone in the room.  Has she paid the prepayment back or even offered to do so?

[Otterpop]

You mentioned that G was the prepaid driver for everyone in the room.  Has she paid the prepayment back or even offered to do so?

DD prepaid the con registration.  Gas and hotel were to be settled when G got here Friday morning 8am.  She cancelled on us Thursday 8pm (Again, I'm astounded, that ALL YEAR they've been talking about these plans - then this.  I cannot relate to how this was done.).  We haven't heard from G since.

If it had been a medical emergency I would not be angry in the least, and might have paid some to the other girls to defray their costs.  But still, DD would not have stayed overnight.  The other girls have not contacted us either, but I doubt they even know who we are.

[Sharnita]

I am kind of surprised by the level of shock you are experienciencing. She flaked over an important event to you before and used religious convictions as her excuse. Making plans with her after that probably should have been considered a risky proposition.

Don't get me wrong, I get the hury , just not the shock that she eould do something she has already done.

[Otterpop]

I am kind of surprised by the level of shock you are experienciencing. She flaked over an important event to you before and used religious convictions as her excuse. Making plans with her after that probably should have been considered a risky proposition.

Don't get me wrong, I get the hury , just not the shock that she eould do something she has already done.

Yes, you are right.  In hindsight I see it.  But, I'm the Queen of Second Chances.  Not anymore.