How to move forward after major hurt to DD?

[Virg]

Sharnita wrote:

"I am kind of surprised by the level of shock you are experienciencing. She flaked over an important event to you before and used religious convictions as her excuse. Making plans with her after that probably should have been considered a risky proposition. "

On one side, there's a parallel, but on the other, there's a huge difference between backing out a of birthday party invite where the person backing out is simply a guest and backing out of a multi-night trip where the person backing out is the coordinator, transportation, reservation holder and sole social connection among the other guests.  The difference in the level of commitment would easily lead me to be shocked in Otterpop's shoes, as I'd never suspect that backing out of a birthday party would make someone more likely to bail out of something they'd spent so much time and energy planning.  I tend to agree with the other posters who said that it's likely that the "religious convictions" excuse is exactly that, and the subsequent posting of cosplay pictures only serves to reinforce the idea.

Virg

[rose red]

I would be shocked too since they've been talking and planning for a whole year.  Ditching a birthday party where she's only a guest, while hurtful, doesn't compare.

[Emmy]

Sharnita wrote:

"I am kind of surprised by the level of shock you are experienciencing. She flaked over an important event to you before and used religious convictions as her excuse. Making plans with her after that probably should have been considered a risky proposition. "

On one side, there's a parallel, but on the other, there's a huge difference between backing out a of birthday party invite where the person backing out is simply a guest and backing out of a multi-night trip where the person backing out is the coordinator, transportation, reservation holder and sole social connection among the other guests.  The difference in the level of commitment would easily lead me to be shocked in Otterpop's shoes, as I'd never suspect that backing out of a birthday party would make someone more likely to bail out of something they'd spent so much time and energy planning.  I tend to agree with the other posters who said that it's likely that the "religious convictions" excuse is exactly that, and the subsequent posting of cosplay pictures only serves to reinforce the idea.

Virg

I agree there is a big difference.  This is something they have been talking about for a year while backing out as a guest at a birthday party wouldn't cause too much harm.  Even normally reliable people may flake out on something once in a while and I don't see any indication from the OP that this was a pattern from G.  If G and OP's DD had known each other a long time and the birthday party was the only last minute flake out, I don't think the OP or her DD were too unreasonable for still trusting G.

It seems like this family uses 'religious convictions' as a convenient excuse to get out of commitments at the last minute.  G's mom sounds controlling over her 19 year old adult daughter.  My guess is G's mom found out at the last minute and forbid her daughter to go to the convention. 

[snappylt]

Thought I'd toss in my two cents here.

OP, although my wife and I have sons, not daughters, I can understand that you were concerned about leaving your daughter with strangers at a convention when G backed out.

It seems to me that even if G's story about religious convictions was true, she could have made the choice to honor her commitment regarding the shared hotel room.  She could have gone to the hotel and just stayed away from the convention and thereby honored both her promise to the others and her religious convictions.

It reminds me of a very long drive I made as a young adult.  I was going out with a young woman at the time whose parents spent their summers at a mountain retreat center.  I arranged to drive her from the city where we lived to the mountain retreat center to spend a week with her parents.  She was going to stay with her parents and they arranged for me to stay in a guest room nearby.  Well, things did not go smoothly on the drive out to the retreat center.  (About halfway there I remember turning to look at my girlfriend as she nagged me for the umpteenth time and I remember thinking to myself that if I continued being her boyfriend, that's what my future would be: I'd be the target of constant nagging.  Sure enough, after a day or two at the retreat center, I couldn't stand her nagging any more and I broke up with her.

Here is where I am different than G.  When I broke up with my girlfriend i specifically said to her that I had made a commitment to drive her to the retreat center and back again, and I was not about to abandon her on that mountain (even if I did not want to date her any more).  I said I was leaving to spend the rest of that week with relatives, but that I'd return in time to pick her up and take her back to her home city.  And I did.  Yes, it was awkward, and yes it meant extra driving, but I felt that it was my responsibility to honor my commitment.

G could have stayed in the hotel room without actually attending the conference to honor her commitment.  She chose not to.

[Otterpop]

Thank you Snappyit, that was a great story.  Really illustrates living up to one's commitments. 

[Virg]

snappylt wrote:

"It seems to me that even if G's story about religious convictions was true, she could have made the choice to honor her commitment regarding the shared hotel room.  She could have gone to the hotel and just stayed away from the convention and thereby honored both her promise to the others and her religious convictions."

This is only true if the "religious convictions" center around being at the anime convention.  If it involves something else, like perhaps being in the hotel room without a chaperone or some other such thing, then this doesn't apply.  For the record, I think the whole thing was a shine-on, but if it wasn't, she couldn't necessarily have gone and just stayed away from the convention.

Virg

[Texas Mom]

Even though she's 19, I suspect she got grounded.  The "religious convictions" was here way of saving face (in her pov).

OP, I'm glad your DD got to go & had a good time.

I agree with being cooly pleasant if the occasion arises and not initiating contact.