Stingy co-worker

[Annoyed in America]

I work in a small office.  Sometimes one of us will bring in purchased goodies, enough so everyone gets one.  Said goodies are not cheap.  One person NEVER reciprocates.  He will always take one (or more), sometime say a quiet thanks (not always).  I find it rude that in 5 years he has never once brought in or given a single treat.  Treats are brought in about every other week.  Is it okay to bring in treats and distribute them to everyone else and leave him out?

[bonyk]

I think it would be.  What you could do is start a sign-up sheet to 'organize' who is bringing in treats  and encourage him to choose a week.  He may just be clueless, and need a little push to participate.

[lady_disdain]

Yes, it would be, as long as the treats are being brought in for the office. While he may not be bringing in treats, are you sure he isn't reciprocating in other ways (voluntarily doing the heavy lifting, changing the water bottle at the cooler, etc)? Ok, I may be an optimist.

The best way to go around this would be to organize a breakfast club, a tea party, snack society or whatever, where the members rotate bringing in treats. Then, it is clearly spelled out what the expectations are and the rules for participating?

[Annoyed in America]

A little clarification here...He doesn't do any heavy lifting (in fact he avoids doing anything not specific to his job).  He won't speak up when supplies are needed, but will wait until they are completely gone and right after supplies were ordered and delivered to mention "Oh BTW we are out of ...."  I am 32 years older than him and I frequently have to actually lift heavy supplies.  He can sit there and watch someone struggle and not get out of his chair or offer to help. 
On a side note he has money...He lives with his parents, pays no rent, has no bills whatsoever.  I think he puts his money in the bank and watches the balance grow.  He spends it on nothing. No girlfriend, very few friends.
When going through doors he never holds them open for women, he pushes through first.  I guess I am weary of his stingyness in every facet of his personality.

[peaches]

I Is it okay to bring in treats and distribute them to everyone else and leave him out?

I wouldn't do this in a workplace. It could create hard feelings and drama, and in my experience, bosses hate drama.

What you're describing is voluntary. The employer didn't assign this duty (bringing treats) to employees, and may consider it trivial and unnecessary. 

I agree that the behavior of this one employee is annoying. He is taking advantage. But you don't have to bring treats if you don't want to.

I’m not saying that good manners, cooperation and teamwork are not important in the workplace. They are, and I believe most employers appreciate these qualities. What employers don’t appreciate is one employee pointing out the bad manners of another.

I would weigh the benefits versus the hazards of making an issue of this.

[POF]

I Is it okay to bring in treats and distribute them to everyone else and leave him out?

I wouldn't do this in a workplace. It could create hard feelings and drama, and in my experience, bosses hate drama.

What you're describing is voluntary. The employer didn't assign this duty (bringing treats) to employees, and may consider it trivial and unnecessary. 

I agree that the behavior of this one employee is annoying. He is taking advantage. But you don't have to bring treats if you don't want to.

I’m not saying that good manners, cooperation and teamwork are not important in the workplace. They are, and I believe most employers appreciate these qualities. What employers don’t appreciate is one employee pointing out the bad manners of another.

I would weigh the benefits versus the hazards of making an issue of this.

POD

I had to eliminate treats because it got contentious.  People were bringing in treats - keeping them at their desks for "certain people". Besdies the hard feelings, chatter and drama - I said no more.

Want to bake and bring it in ? Fine - it goes in kitchen.  Oh kitchen is shared by a lot of people.... too bad.  Bring it in and go to the break room with friends and share it.

Birthdays - once a qtr I bring in a cake.

I had people having little appetizer parties set out on their desks .  ( This is in a dept I took over - so I quickly stopped it )

I would be very cautious.

[Girlie]

A little clarification here...He doesn't do any heavy lifting (in fact he avoids doing anything not specific to his job).  He won't speak up when supplies are needed, but will wait until they are completely gone and right after supplies were ordered and delivered to mention "Oh BTW we are out of ...."  I am 32 years older than him and I frequently have to actually lift heavy supplies.  He can sit there and watch someone struggle and not get out of his chair or offer to help. 
On a side note he has money...He lives with his parents, pays no rent, has no bills whatsoever.  I think he puts his money in the bank and watches the balance grow.  He spends it on nothing. No girlfriend, very few friends.
When going through doors he never holds them open for women, he pushes through first.  I guess I am weary of his stingyness in every facet of his personality.

Are you sure that he doesn't have a social disorder of some sort?

[LeveeWoman]

Can we keep medical diagnoses out of this?

[Sharnita]

I agree with peaches.

[DollyPond]

A little clarification here...He doesn't do any heavy lifting (in fact he avoids doing anything not specific to his job).  He won't speak up when supplies are needed, but will wait until they are completely gone and right after supplies were ordered and delivered to mention "Oh BTW we are out of ...."  I am 32 years older than him and I frequently have to actually lift heavy supplies.  He can sit there and watch someone struggle and not get out of his chair or offer to help. 
On a side note he has money...He lives with his parents, pays no rent, has no bills whatsoever.  I think he puts his money in the bank and watches the balance grow.  He spends it on nothing. No girlfriend, very few friends.
When going through doors he never holds them open for women, he pushes through first.  I guess I am weary of his stingyness in every facet of his personality.

Are you sure that he doesn't have a social disorder of some sort?

I work with someone like this who DOES have a social disorder.  We have all adopted the attitude of laughing it off as "That's just how he is" and dealt with it that way.  That way there are no hard feelings.

[oogyda]

I Is it okay to bring in treats and distribute them to everyone else and leave him out?

I wouldn't do this in a workplace. It could create hard feelings and drama, and in my experience, bosses hate drama.

What you're describing is voluntary. The employer didn't assign this duty (bringing treats) to employees, and may consider it trivial and unnecessary. 

I agree that the behavior of this one employee is annoying. He is taking advantage. But you don't have to bring treats if you don't want to.

I’m not saying that good manners, cooperation and teamwork are not important in the workplace. They are, and I believe most employers appreciate these qualities. What employers don’t appreciate is one employee pointing out the bad manners of another.

I would weigh the benefits versus the hazards of making an issue of this.

This.

[Outdoor Girl]

If I were comfortable doing this - and I wouldn't know unless I was there - I *might* have a chat with the stingy young man.

'You know, SYM, you always seem to enjoy the treats that everyone brings in.  But I've never seen you bring anything.  You wouldn't have to bake; you could just bring in some donuts once in a while.'  And see what happens.

I don't think you can avoid giving him treats if he still doesn't bring in something.  But if he is socially awkward, someone telling him specifically that he is expected he participate in the bringing of the treats might make the light bulb turn on.  I don't think you can do anything about the 'Oh, btw, we're out of X' after the order has gone in but have you specifically asked him, 'SYM, could you please help me move this copier paper to the store room?'

I'm not socially awkward (I don't think) but I can be oblivious.  It might not occur to me to jump up and help someone do something unless they specifically ask me to.

ETA a missing word

[Harriet Jones]

He just sounds clueless/oblivious to me.  If you feel comfortable doing it, say something.  Otherwise, I think you're going to have to accept the situation as it is.

[Kaypeep]

If I were comfortable doing this - and I wouldn't know unless I was there - I *might* have a chat with the stingy young man.

'You know, SYM, you always seem to enjoy the treats that everyone brings in.  But I've never seen you bring anything.  You wouldn't have to bake; you could just bring in some donuts once in a while.'  And see what happens.

I don't think you can avoid giving him treats if he still doesn't bring in something.  But if he is socially awkward, someone telling him specifically that is expected he participate in the bringing of the treats might make the light bulb turn on.  I don't think you can do anything about the 'Oh, btw, we're out of X' after the order has gone in but have you specifically asked him, 'SYM, could you please help me move this copier paper to the store room?'

I'm not socially awkward (I don't think) but I can be oblivious.  It might not occur to me to jump up and help someone do something unless they specifically ask me to.

POD.  I hired my friend's brother as a temp for data entry one summer.  He was a great worker but clueless about the social norms of an office.  He would clip his toenails at his desk.  When offered treats he accepted but never reciprocated and even had the wherewithal to go into someone's desk to get MORE candy since he knew she kept it there.  He wasn't sneaky or malicious, he just didn't realize these things were innappropriate.  I mentioned the treat issue to my friend and she told her mom (who brother lived with.)  Mom talked to son and the next week he came into the office with a giant bag of cookies, going around to everyone to offer them and share.  Thankfully we were a great group of people (If i do say so myself) and he was the only guy and most of the women were moms, so they really took him under their wing and tried to teach and help him a lot because they knew he wasn't malicious or greedy or stingy, just clueless.

[rigs32]

People voluntarily bring things in.  That does no require him to reciprocate.  There is a woman in my office that bakes.  A lot.  The rest of us are supposed to start bringing in treats because she does?  That's not a fair expectation.  In your small office many people bring in treats.  That doesn't necessitate that the remaining employees must do the same.