Stingy co-worker

[camlan]

It really sounds as if he doesn't know how to work with people.

I don't think you can start making him bring in treats, but you can address the other issues. If there's something heavy to be moved, just ask him to help. If the door slams in your face because he didn't hold it for you, say something. If he doesn't mention the office is out of supplies until after the order has been put in, the person in charge of supplies should speak to him about this.

I wouldn't make a big deal out of any of this. No big sit-down talk with the boss or anything like that. Just normal office talk, where one person asks another for help or says "Ouch!" when a door hits them in the face. Said in the moment and not mentioned again. Unless this young man is truly clueless, he'll start to realize that he can't just ignore everyone in the office.

Someone could, I suppose, make a joking comment about the treats. "Hey, you seem to enjoy the treats all the time. When are you bringing in your favorite?" That happened in one office I worked in. The secretaries were always bringing in treats and their bosses enjoyed them greatly. Someone commented on the fact that the bosses never reciprocated. Just one sentence, said once. The bosses took that to heart and started bringing in doughnuts or bagels. One guy even had his wife walk him through baking a batch of cookies. Sometimes all it takes is gently pointing out the behavior.

[AustenFan]

Treats are brought in about every other week.  Is it okay to bring in treats and distribute them to everyone else and leave him out?

If you want to be viewed as a mature professional this exclusionary tactic isn't going to do it. It's going to single you out as a petty troublemaker.

The undercurrent of both your posts is that you're coworker doesn't do things you have arbitrarily decided he should do, and that he should be "punished" for not behaving as you think appropriate. Would it be nice if he helped with heavy things/held doors/etc? Yes, but taking punitive action against him based on unvoiced social expectations in a work environment is just initiating drama and hard feelings.

[oceanus]

[snip] On a side note he has money...He lives with his parents, pays no rent, has no bills whatsoever.  I think he puts his money in the bank and watches the balance grow.  He spends it on nothing. No girlfriend, very few friends. [snip]

OP, I don't know how you know all these things, but whether he has money, what he does with his money, whether he has a girlfriend, and how many friends he has is not your business.

It's clear you don't like him, and you may have your reasons.

However, as far as the "treats" issue, he might just be clueless. I'd suggest a list be passed around giving everyone the opportunity to sign up.  As someone else said, deliberately excluding him is juvenile and just creates drama.

It really sounds as if he doesn't know how to work with people.

I'm not sure that's the case, but if so it's a supervisory issue.

[MOM21SON]

He may be thinking the exact opposite.  Maybe he wishes it would stop.

People at my work bring treats in all the time and frankly I wish it would stop.  It makes me feel like I HAVE to bring something, so I do.  Even if I do not partake in most treats, some I do, I still feel like I have to do it.  I don't bake, it cost me a trip to the store and a purchase.

[Amava]

He may be thinking the exact opposite.  Maybe he wishes it would stop.

People at my work bring treats in all the time and frankly I wish it would stop.  It makes me feel like I HAVE to bring something, so I do.  Even if I do not partake in most treats, some I do, I still feel like I have to do it.  I don't bake, it cost me a trip to the store and a purchase.

Ooooh, I know that feeling! It's uncomfortable.
And for people who wonder why, if he doesn't like the treats, he partakes in them, maybe he thinks it's rude to refuse something that is offered?

[oceanus]

The last 2 posts remind me of the Seinfeld episode where Elaine was sick and tired of all the office parties and cakes for every trivial occasion - such as someone returning from sick leave.   (Remember the song - "Get well, get well soon", etc.) 

(There are offices where people seem to have made birthday party coordination and collecting money for gifts into a second career - almost as if it's written into their job description.)

[MOM21SON]

He may be thinking the exact opposite.  Maybe he wishes it would stop.

People at my work bring treats in all the time and frankly I wish it would stop.  It makes me feel like I HAVE to bring something, so I do.  Even if I do not partake in most treats, some I do, I still feel like I have to do it.  I don't bake, it cost me a trip to the store and a purchase.

Ooooh, I know that feeling! It's uncomfortable.
And for people who wonder why, if he doesn't like the treats, he partakes in them, maybe he thinks it's rude to refuse something that is offered?

I have a coworker that insists I have some, I mean, lays it down at my desk and leaves.  99% of the time I toss it and tell him how great it was.

[cicero]

On a side note he has money...He lives with his parents, pays no rent, has no bills whatsoever.  I think he puts his money in the bank and watches the balance grow.  He spends it on nothing. No girlfriend, very few friends.
When going through doors he never holds them open for women, he pushes through first.  I guess I am weary of his stingyness in every facet of his personality.

I just want to say that this is a judgement call on your side that has no real validity. you have *no* idea what he does with his money and how much he has or doesn't. I'm sure there are many people who *appear* on the surface to have money and yet use their money for things that we know nothing about.

as for your original question - he may be clueless and since he is young you might point it out to him in a nice way. he may not realize that others are bringing in things on their own dime. he may not realize that it would be nice if he participated. some people are like that.

[greencat]

I think you would be doing him a service to pull him aside and tell him "Clueless, I don't know if you realized this, but the treats that you've been eating are things that people are paying for out of their own pockets, not things purchased by the office, and people have noticed that you never contribute."

As far as not lifting and not opening doors - I've had a few men tell me they were no longer comfortable automatically jumping in to perform these tasks on the basis that the other person was older/female, because of the discrimination inherent in the assistance.  Do you hold the door for him when you go through it first?  Additionally, he may have some medical issues you are unaware of that prevent him from lifting things entirely - I've known several apparently strong men who were unable to lift any weight whatsoever due to injuries. 

[Annoyed in America]

[snip] On a side note he has money...He lives with his parents, pays no rent, has no bills whatsoever.  I think he puts his money in the bank and watches the balance grow.  He spends it on nothing. No girlfriend, very few friends. [snip]

OP, I don't know how you know all these things, but whether he has money, what he does with his money, whether he has a girlfriend, and how many friends he has is not your business.

Annoyed replies "Like I said it's a small office."  We all know each other, what we do in our spare time and many family members have come into the office to visit.  It's a casual but professional environment. 
I think there is merit in the idea that it may be a social issue, on his part.  Is this something I have to adjust to?  He is a good worker, but seems so rigid in all aspects of his life.  In some ways I pity him, but any kindly suggestions I have made in the past are met with derision on his part.
I guess I will have to turn a blind eye on the annoying behaviors and appreciate the quality of his work product. Thanks to all of you for your input.  You have all given me food for thought.




It's clear you don't like him, and you may have your reasons.

However, as far as the "treats" issue, he might just be clueless. I'd suggest a list be passed around giving everyone the opportunity to sign up.  As someone else said, deliberately excluding him is juvenile and just creates drama.

It really sounds as if he doesn't know how to work with people.

I'm not sure that's the case, but if so it's a supervisory issue.

[POF]

I think you would be doing him a service to pull him aside and tell him "Clueless, I don't know if you realized this, but the treats that you've been eating are things that people are paying for out of their own pockets, not things purchased by the office, and people have noticed that you never contribute."
 

As a manager -I need to tell you that a staff person would be repriomanded for commenting on this ( treats ) in my organization.  Treats are being voluntarily brought in.  They should either be available to everyone or shared to specific people during lunch or break.  Coworker has NO obligation to provide treats to the office... no one does.

I am dealing with a similar situation... my rule ... treats go in lunch room and are gifted to the office in general OR they are managed on your free time ( lunch or break ) but not during work time.

I would be very cautious before telling a coworker to bring in  treats.

[lady_disdain]

Annoyed replies "Like I said it's a small office."  We all know each other, what we do in our spare time and many family members have come into the office to visit.  It's a casual but professional environment. 
I think there is merit in the idea that it may be a social issue, on his part.  Is this something I have to adjust to?  He is a good worker, but seems so rigid in all aspects of his life.  In some ways I pity him, but any kindly suggestions I have made in the past are met with derision on his part.
I guess I will have to turn a blind eye on the annoying behaviors and appreciate the quality of his work product. Thanks to all of you for your input.  You have all given me food for thought.

Making "kindly suggestions" to a coworker you both pity and despise has a way of coming across as a busybody. Stay out of his private life and, yes, appreciate the quality of his work product. The bottom line is that that is what he was hired to do.

[jmarvellous]

Stay out of it.

I can't really understand being annoyed about one person not caring to bring in treats -- and I've never tallied who does and doesn't bring things in in my workplace, honestly. It seems very petty to count who does and doesn't bring things in, and how often. BUT since you do care, please keep it to yourself. There could be a dozen reasons he doesn't want to or doesn't think to bring in treats to share with his co-workers. It's in no way an obligation of an employee.

And your concerns about his not helping you when you think he ought sound pretty sexist/ageist, actually. It's hardly more of his responsibility to perform your job duties because he's a young man than it would be if he was a woman five years your senior. I would keep these to yourself unless he's doing something directly negative that affects your work and his, and if you think he's actually not doing well at his job, tell his supervisor -- don't tell him directly.

[AnnaJ]

I don't mean to dogpile, but another vote for not saying anything.  The whole treat idea sounds voluntary, and if something is voluntary there really is no obligation to participate in any way.  And no, there is no way to give things to everyone else except this person without looking petty.

[Annoyed in America]

Stay out of it.

I can't really understand being annoyed about one person not caring to bring in treats -- and I've never tallied who does and doesn't bring things in in my workplace, honestly. It seems very petty to count who does and doesn't bring things in, and how often. BUT since you do care, please keep it to yourself. There could be a dozen reasons he doesn't want to or doesn't think to bring in treats to share with his co-workers. It's in no way an obligation of an employee.

And your concerns about his not helping you when you think he ought sound pretty sexist/ageist, actually. It's hardly more of his responsibility to perform your job duties because he's a young man than it would be if he was a woman five years your senior. I would keep these to yourself unless he's doing something directly negative that affects your work and his, and if you think he's actually not doing well at his job, tell his supervisor -- don't tell him directly.

ere.

Bottom line...no more office treats.  Since it is a small office tallying isn't necessary, since he NEVER has brought in a single thing and it is painfully obvious to the other 3 people there. And I am above him in the office hierarchy and in a position to make office policy.  He doesn't perform any of my office duties, but I do have a direct influence on his raises and bonus'.  THE END.