Out of town invite

[Annoyed in America]

I met a cousin "Cousin A" (long story short..my mother was adopted...this is a bio cousin) and I liked her.  I have gotten to know her sister "Cousin B" very well and like her very much.  Cousin A sent me a facebook message inviting me for a 3 day trip, involving airfare, which she says she will pay for.  I replied for her to call me and we can discuss.  She emails me back and says she lost my number (not possible) and for me to call her. 

I feel weird about this since:
1)We have had no prior communication on FB.  She never posts.  Maybe she lurks.  LOL
2)I don't really know her, she lives 2400 miles away.
3)I am used to paying my own way and would do so here too.
4)I would be with her 24/7 for 3 days and I am not sure if I am good for this with a virtual stranger.  I know she is not a mass murderer or anything like that.
5)I want to go so I can get to know her a little better, but her son and his fmily will be there and I may feel awkward.

Thoughts?  Should I wait for her to call?  Because she offered to pay for airfare with her points and an auto rental am I obligated to be the one to initiate the first phone call? 

[Lynn2000]

Regarding just the phone call to discuss the trip: I don't think you're "obligated" to initiate the first phone call for any reason, but since she says she's lost your number and has directly asked you to call, I think it would be a little odd if you emailed back and said, "Here's my number again. YOU call ME." If she says she doesn't have your number and wants YOU to call HER, I don't see what good it would do to "wait for her phone call"--why would she call when she's expecting a call from YOU?

I get the feeling you are a little wary and uncomfortable with her as yet, which is completely reasonable given that you've only met recently and don't know each other well. Personally I would not want to put myself in someone's house for three days in a distant place, totally dependent on them, at this stage of the game. Just because you think she's generally a decent person, doesn't mean you'll be compatible with her personality/lifestyle.

I would thank her for her generous offer, but say that you would rather get to know her better first through other methods, and ask her what the best method for that is--Facebook, email, phone, etc.. Make sure you're not the one always initiating contact, the electrons go both ways. Then maybe someday when you feel more comfortable with her you guys can seriously discuss an in-person visit.

[suzieQ]

How is it "not possible" for her to lose your number? I just got a message from an old college friend on facebook. She lost my number when her phone blew up. I don't even have my own DD's number memorized - it's in my phone. If my phone died, I'd lose her number.

[Annoyed in America]

More clarification on my part.
She wants to meet in a city midway between our respective homes.
I met her 2 1/2 years ago, with no further communication, until just now.

Cousin B never talks about her, so should I be reading between the lines here?

Maybe I am just being too cautious.  Just feels like me calling her puts me in a strange position.  If she really wants me to come why won't she just call me?  Is she afraid of a phone call rejection?  I already told her on FB it sounded fun.

Cousin B is out of the country for the next 6 weeks so I can't call her and ask her opinion.

Thanks all for any input!

[Annoyed in America]

How is it "not possible" for her to lose your number? I just got a message from an old college friend on facebook. She lost my number when her phone blew up. I don't even have my own DD's number memorized - it's in my phone. If my phone died, I'd lose her number.

I just sent it to her last night on FB and via email.  LOL

[SleepyKitty]

I think that if you decide you want to go, the onus is on you to call her, even if it feels a little awkward. She's giving you a generous offer, and if you want to take advantage of it, then it would be gracious to make it as easy as possible on her - if that means calling her rather than the other way around, then so be it.

Actually, even if you don't want to go, I think you should still call. I mean, the whole point of this is to develop a better relationship with her, right? So why not make a quick phone call? It's a small gesture that would be a kind response to her kind offer. I think you're way over-thinking this. It's just a phone call, after all.

Personally, if you have so many reasons to feel strange just about calling her, I can't really see why you would want to accept the gift and spend a few days with her. I POD Lynn that, considering just a phone call would feel so weird, you're probably better off getting to know her better before going out for a visit.

[Outdoor Girl]

The scenario you described in your OP has my hinky meter pinging.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it is the fact that Cousin B hasn't mentioned Cousin A and CB is out of the country so you can't even check with her.

If you want to explore the idea of meeting up with CA, suck it up and call her.  I would definitely make all my own arrangements, though, so you can easily change something if you need to.  I'd get my own hotel room, for example, so you have a place to escape to, should you need to.  Always make sure you have money for a cab or get a rental car and drive yourself so you have way to go back to your hotel.

But if you don't think you are ready for this big meet and greet, you could send back an email with what you are interested in and see how she reacts.

[Thipu1]

Having faced a similar situation a few years ago, I would like to offer the following suggestion.

Do not make an immediate decision.  Continue to communicate in a friendly way.  Explain that, before committing to a visit, you two need to get to know each other better. 

  Written or typed letters may be the best way to go for now.  Once your personalities get more comfortable with each other, a phone call may be in order.

Take it slow because phone calls can get intense.  If you feel a push that she and you should get together NOW, back off. 

This friendship may come with time.  I hope it does but, trust your feelings. 

[cicero]

do you know that she is an actual cousin? or is this someone who just contacted you out of the blue and claimed to be a long lost (bio) cousin? I don't mean the existance of a person named Cousin A, which i presume you know that you have this cousin, but i mean do you know for a fact that *the person who contacted you on FB* is actually *cousin A*?

as for who calls whom - i think you are overthinking this. just make the call.

however, I would take it slowly until such time that you can contact B. don't make any plans right now, don't reject any plans right now, just take it slowly.

"Oh cousin A that is so sweet of you to offer! I can't take any time off for the next X months, but why don't we revisit this option in [month] when things will have quieted down a bit".

and if and when you decide to meet her - you don't have to do anything you do't want to do. if you don't want her to pay your way - then tell her that. if you don't want to spend 24/7 with her - then tell her that.
"cousin A, I've thought about the trip and i think it will be best if I pay my own way. i am also going to stay at Hotel because I will be needing some 'alone' time. why don't we meet for lunch on [Day] and we can plan from that point on."

[m2kbug]

I really don't understand this hesitation about making a phone call.  Just call.  You can email her your phone number as well.  It sounds like it would be nice to meet Cousin A in person, but maybe a three day weekend is too much since you don't know her all that well.  I would make sure I had my own hotel room and transportation so you're not stranded or trapped if things don't go well.  If you are uncomfortable accepting her offer to cover air fare, just say "Thank you for your generous offer, but I'll buy my own ticket."  Or be prepared to pay for your own air fare if she bales on her offer, which does happen. 

You can't work out the details without a conversation.  I don't know how you making the call puts you in a strange position and I don't know why she has to call first as a demonstration she really wants to meet you in person.  She offered to pay for your air fare.  That seems pretty solid to me.  Just call. 

And again, if the timing just isn't right to spend 3 days with someone you barely know, you can plan a different date, but now you have each other's phone numbers and can talk on the phone, get to know each other better.

[Penguin_ar]

If you had had a casual relationship with her (occasional phone calls, emails or meet ups or FB comments etc), I would find it strange that you wouldn't call her- maybe she is out of minutes and doesn't want to admit it!

However, do I understand this right that you first met her 2.5 years ago, then had no communications whatsoever for 2.5 years, and now out of the blue she contacts you on Facebook and asks you to spend time with her and her son and his family?  If so, that is very odd of HER.  That would make me suspicious I might get hit up for a loan while there or something.

[POF]

If you had had a casual relationship with her (occasional phone calls, emails or meet ups or FB comments etc), I would find it strange that you wouldn't call her- maybe she is out of minutes and doesn't want to admit it!

However, do I understand this right that you first met her 2.5 years ago, then had no communications whatsoever for 2.5 years, and now out of the blue she contacts you on Facebook and asks you to spend time with her and her son and his family?  If so, that is very odd of HER.  That would make me suspicious I might get hit up for a loan while there or something.

BINGO - you do not know her ... how do you know she is going to pay and not stick you for the bill ? How many posts have I read here about well known family members and friends doing the same thing.

I would really be afraid she s wanting a loan.

A friend of mine a few years ago met up with a long lost school friend via facebook. This friends husband offered to fly her and another friend out to their home in remote Canadian area for her ( friends ) birhtday.

It was a baaad baaad trip ... FB friend and her husband were in a very bad marriage, husband was jealous, paranoid and seemed unstable.  my friend Lisa and other girl were virtually trapped out in small hamlet for 3 weeks.  They eventually were out to lunch with FB friend, had put their luggage in her trunk and called a cab spent $$$ to get to bug town and flew themselves home.

Several of us tried to caution our friend that this trip just seemed odd ... why would someone want ot spend that much money on strangers.  These school chums had not been in touch for years ... it seemed out of proportion.


I would be very careful on how you proceed.

[Thipu1]

I agree with POF. 

This sets off the red lights in my mind because it's too much too soon.

No one,whom you haven't communicated with in over two years, is going to offer an all-expense-paid visit unless s/he wants something pretty big from you. 

I suggested the snail mail contact for several reasons. 

A written, paper letter gives you time to think in ways that FB or a phone call may not.  it also lets you know that the person on the other end is investing similar time. Reading a paper letter also gives you the leisure to assess what is really going on. 

In my case, I received a letter from someone I hadn't heard from in over 25 years.  I responded with a friendly, newsy letter saying that I would like to get back in touch and giving some particulars about life in the Thipu household.  The letter I received back must have been typed as soon as it was received. 

It was three pages, all typed in one paragraph.  There were (almost) demands for my phone number and Email address. It was said that she would visit us, I would visit her and we would all take a cruise together. 

None of that was going to happen.  I sent her back another paper letter saying so while explaining that, after so much time apart, we might not like each other very much any more.  Still, I wanted to continue staying in touch. 

I did not receive a response.  That told me that something rather unsavory was going on. 

Trust your 'hinky-meter'.  If something seems wrong, it probably is.