Author Topic: Torn on what to do...update page 5  (Read 11402 times)

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Lynn2000

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #45 on: January 05, 2013, 07:50:53 PM »
Lady Snowdon, your 'friend' knows where you live, knows you have her dress, knows you want to get it out of your house and has done nothing about it.  She is obviously not concerned about you so I don't think you need to go to any more effort whatsoever to get the dress back to her.

If you can stick to your two week deadline and get rid of the dress however you wish without it bothering you then that's what you should do.  The only possible way I could recommend trying to contact someone else to pick up the dress or spending your own money to mail it is if it will bother you not to do so.  You are under no obligation to do anything more than what you've done.

POD to this. What with ignoring the dress every time it was mentioned in conversation--which is really weird--it seems like she has deliberately let many opportunities to get the dress go by. Do you know if she's still married to the guy? If not, her troubles must have started quite early, if she was ignoring mentions of the dress after just three months. Or perhaps her home is very small, and she was hoping you would just continue to keep the dress for her as free storage, so she was bean-dipping any mention of taking it home?
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LazyDaisy

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #46 on: January 05, 2013, 07:53:56 PM »
A little bit of background first.  A friend of mine got married about two years ago, in a destination wedding.  I was one of her bridesmaids, and when I left to come home, she asked me to bring her wedding dress back with her.  She said she'd come pick it up in a couple of weeks, when they were back from their honeymoon.  So I brought it home with me, and it has sat in my closet for almost two years now.  I asked her multiple times to come get it, or set up a time for me to bring it to her, or something.  She never has responded.  At the end of last September, this friend abruptly stopped talking to me, defriended me on Facebook, and acts as if I never existed, according to the people who still see her.  (clip thread)

I'm sorry I'm a bit confused, does the bolded mean you haven't communicated at all since the wedding or that you were in communication (for a time) about other things but she never responded about the dress? It doesn't sound like it is sentimental to her or she would be the one asking about it. I agree with others, pass it along to mutual friends who still have contact with her for them to store or return -- a wedding dress is bulky and I wouldn't bother shipping it to her directly for any price. If that isn't possible, feel free to get rid of it.

Sorry for the confusion!  We were contact with each other weekly, if not daily, for most of the past two years.  She never responded to any inquiry about picking up her dress - it was as if she never heard it.  For example, about three months after she got married, she was over at my house, and my mom said to her, "Oh, you should put your wedding dress in your car, so you don't forget it".  My former friend smiled and said something totally unrelated like, "I'm so glad we got here before the rain started!".  Just like the mention of her wedding dress had never happened. 

My former friend and I do not have any mutual friends, so I can't give the dress to anyone with the assurance that she'd get it.
This sounds to me like she was the one getting rid of the dress she no longer wanted (but for some reason wouldn't admit) after her wedding. There wasn't any talk before the wedding about her hating the dress -- like she bought it under pressure from her mother or MIL, or some sort of BFF pledge to wear the same dress (like a Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants kind of thing)? I think you can safely discard it right away.
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mindicherry

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #47 on: January 05, 2013, 08:08:42 PM »
Lady Snowden - I think morally & ethically, you are completely fine to dispose of the dress after the specified period of time in your email (although I would personally drive it to her house, assuming she lives reasonably close, and drop it on her front door...just because I would hate to throw away a wedding dress)

I would like to mention that there may be legal issues with you doing so.  Since it sounds like an expensive dress, I would not send another email, but send a certified letter, return receipt requested, that your ex-friend has 2 weeks to pick up the dress or it will be disposed of.

I am not a lawyer and not giving legal advice - just saying to check to see if their are any laws that make you her "storage facility" (even though she has never paid storage fees) and that you can't dispose of it without proper notice...although I think Judge Judy would be on your side ;-)

(sorry - it's just that I managed a moving & storage company for 7 years and even if someone hadn't paid their storage fees for 2 years, there were laws saying we had to go through certain steps before we could toss their items. Just want to make sure that the same type of laws don't apply to the OP...so she should check!)

Lady Snowdon

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #48 on: January 05, 2013, 08:35:29 PM »
Okay, so based on some suggestions, I did some research in my states laws.  Basically, my former friend gets 30 day notice instead of 14 day notice, and it needs to be sent certified mail.  So I'll write her a note, mentioning the pertinent statute, make a copy of the note, and mail it out tonight or tomorrow certified.  It means keeping the dress for longer than I want to, but this former friend was always talking about suing people, or getting a lawyer, so it's probably for the best to make sure I have a, I hope, firm footing. 

This way, maybe those who think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever won't have as much to complain about!

Outdoor Girl

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #49 on: January 05, 2013, 08:38:20 PM »
Perfect!

(And after your 30 days is up, if you decide the most cathartic way to rid yourself of the thing is the burning in effigy option, we'll need pictures.  ;D)
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sevenday

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #50 on: January 05, 2013, 08:47:55 PM »
There are a few organizations that accept donated wedding dresses, plus the usual donation sites.  There's also Craigslist or ebay, you might be able to offload a big dress like that there. Why not make a little money off all that time it's been sitting in storage? After the 30 days of course.

Raintree

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #51 on: January 05, 2013, 10:37:34 PM »
Sounds like the perfect solution. Given that your ex-friend likes to sue people and all.

Otherwise I was going to say, I'm surprised you've kept it this long. I think you'd be well in the clear to sell it, give it away, burn it, toss it, whatever you want. (But I'd try to sell it and keep the money).

Or send her one more email saying, "The dress is outside by the trash bin if you want to pick it up." A similar technique got me tremedous results with the individual suddenly springing into action out of nowhere.

(My story: An individual who was privately employed as home help by my father, brought a whole load of her stuff/junk/furniture over and set it up in one of the spare bedrooms, claiming her place was too small. I believe she had ulterior unsavory motives for doing this but that's a whole other story. My father allowed this. However, once she was let go (for a multitude of reasons) I moved in to take care of him. Her stuff remained in that bedroom and I needed to 1) Use that room, and 2) clear out junk in preparation for selling the house. I sent her multiple emails and a couple of voice messages over the course of three months, asking her to come and get her stuff. She never responded. In the fourth month, I took all of it, save for one very large item, in the garage (really a carport, no walls), covered it in a tarp, and then I ran into her in town and told her. She said she'd be there the next day. She never came. Finally (weeks later), I took the large piece of furniture (very heavy, I needed a couple of guys to help me) and put it outside, in the snow. I sent her an email saying her large piece of furniture was outside and she could come and get it from there. Well. Seems this person DOES read her emails after all. She sprung into action, very angry that we'd put this item outside, claiming it had $1000 value, and "you could have at least put it up in the garage." Uh, yeah. You wanted us to break our backs hauling this thing up a long driveway in the snow. The very next day, she sent two men to come and get it. Amazing how easy it was for her once she thought this thing was going to get damaged. And I got another email later that day complaining that all the rest of her stuff, which had now been under a tarp in the carport for about a month, was "mildewy and damaged" and blamed me for not packing it better and "you could have at least moved it to the storage room." Our storage room. I replied to her email with a timeline of all the dates I'd asked her to come and pick up herself, and the date of the conversation in which she was told her stuff was under a tarp outside. I told her she was responsible for her own belongings, and that we were not a free storage facility. Her real motive, I think, was to try to get financial compensation for her "ruined" junk, because that is the kind of thing she does, according to everyone else in the small community. Just saying.....cause in the OP's case, she may find that as soon as this individual thinks her wedding dress is outside exposed to mud, rain, sleet, hail, and thieves, she might make a miraculous appearance.

Erich L-ster

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #52 on: January 05, 2013, 10:49:17 PM »
I vote for giving it to a mutual friend to store for another 2 years. (I also want to subscribe to the thread to see the update)

magician5

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #53 on: January 05, 2013, 11:42:42 PM »
For five or ten dollars, you can send it Priority Mail Flat Rate in a free box available at your post office. The fee includes delivery confirmation. Problem solved.
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Yvaine

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #54 on: January 06, 2013, 12:01:03 AM »
For five or ten dollars, you can send it Priority Mail Flat Rate in a free box available at your post office. The fee includes delivery confirmation. Problem solved.

We thought of that!  ;D I think it's too big for even the large flat rate box.

blarg314

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #55 on: January 06, 2013, 12:10:53 AM »

From a moral and etiquette perspective, I think you'd be perfectly fine to get rid of the dress immediately, in whatever way you wanted (I'd donate it somewhere).

If you want to be 100% sure your friend can't sue you, I'd send her a registered letter indicating that you will be mailing the dress back, and then send it back certified mail.

I have to say, her behaviour is really, really bizarre. I mean, she was at your house, with a car, and  someone mentioned that it was a good time to pick up the dress, and she pretended that nothing was said. That's well beyond the normal friend drops out of contact, and you still have something that belongs to them situation.

LifeOnPluto

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #56 on: January 06, 2013, 12:25:17 AM »
Okay, so based on some suggestions, I did some research in my states laws.  Basically, my former friend gets 30 day notice instead of 14 day notice, and it needs to be sent certified mail.  So I'll write her a note, mentioning the pertinent statute, make a copy of the note, and mail it out tonight or tomorrow certified.  It means keeping the dress for longer than I want to, but this former friend was always talking about suing people, or getting a lawyer, so it's probably for the best to make sure I have a, I hope, firm footing. 

This way, maybe those who think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever won't have as much to complain about!

I think this is a good plan. Whilst I think that from a moral / etiquette standpoint, you're ok in disposing of the dress, I'd hate for your former friend to stir up any legal trouble for you.

Let us know if there are any developments!

problemattic

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #57 on: January 06, 2013, 02:24:46 AM »
I think you've been remarkably patient and would be well within your rights to dispose of the dress if she does not make arrangements to retrieve it before your stated deadline.  Certainly, if you have documented your attempts to have her pick the dress up, you can easily prove you gave her ample opportunity, and that she abandoned her property. 

However...the sticky, gooey, disgusting sentimental side of me wishes you would have a mutual acquaintance who is on good terms with the "bride" store the dress, or hold onto it if you truly have the space and yet more patience to spare.  Why?  Although your former friend is obviously not the sentimental sort, perhaps she will have a lovely little daughter who will grow to be a more tenderhearted creature and would love to wear Mom's dress on her walk down the aisle.  My mom had a scorched earth policy when it came to family heirlooms that might collect dust, or impede her frequent vacuuming, and I would kill to have had her dress for my big day.  Alas, it was not to be.  Begone voluminous skirt!  To the rag box with you!

I'm not saying you SHOULD do it.  You have held onto the dress far longer than most would have under the circumstances.  I'm only saying it would be a nice gesture if you can keep it safe somehow, somewhere, just in case some child who probably has not been born yet, and might never be, would love and appreciate it as her mother never did. 

And, yes.  I know I sound foolish, so let's just get that in writing before someone else has to tell me so. 

Regardless of what you choose to do, you should feel proud to be a good friend to a bad friend who really didn't deserve your kindness. 

cicero

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #58 on: January 06, 2013, 03:04:11 AM »
Okay, so based on some suggestions, I did some research in my states laws.  Basically, my former friend gets 30 day notice instead of 14 day notice, and it needs to be sent certified mail.  So I'll write her a note, mentioning the pertinent statute, make a copy of the note, and mail it out tonight or tomorrow certified.  It means keeping the dress for longer than I want to, but this former friend was always talking about suing people, or getting a lawyer, so it's probably for the best to make sure I have a, I hope, firm footing. 

This way, maybe those who think I'm committing the Worst Crime Ever won't have as much to complain about!
good.

and then let bygones be bygones or Fluffy White Dress be bygones...

I know someone who agreed to store "a few things" in their garage for "a short while" while someone was moving. PS a thousand years later the carp is still in their garage, the people who were moving don't want it (apparently) and it became my friend's issue to dispose of it...

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katycoo

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Re: Torn on what to do...
« Reply #59 on: January 06, 2013, 06:38:32 AM »
However...the sticky, gooey, disgusting sentimental side of me wishes you would have a mutual acquaintance who is on good terms with the "bride" store the dress, or hold onto it if you truly have the space and yet more patience to spare.  Why?  Although your former friend is obviously not the sentimental sort, perhaps she will have a lovely little daughter who will grow to be a more tenderhearted creature and would love to wear Mom's dress on her walk down the aisle.  My mom had a scorched earth policy when it came to family heirlooms that might collect dust, or impede her frequent vacuuming, and I would kill to have had her dress for my big day.  Alas, it was not to be.  Begone voluminous skirt!  To the rag box with you!

I was leaning this way a little too (despite the fact that I think you personally are in a very small minority of women who either would want to or feasibly could have due to shape, worn their mother's wedding dress).  My feelings were liked purely to my feelings about my own dress.

But since the OP updated abour the ower's complete lack of interest in taking the dress, while AT THE HOUSE the dress was stored, going for far as to bean dip the conversation, its safe to say she doesn't want it, and someone else shouldn't have to store it in case she has a little girl who one day might want to wear a dress that doesn't mean anything to her mother.