Girls lunch to celebrate engagement HIJACK - Update Post 12 and 16

[Honeypickle]

My best friend (C) got engaged on Christmas Day. We had planned a girls' lunch for today about 6 weeks ago (I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old - I have to plan going out these days!) and I have been massively looking forward to our lunch. Plus she got engaged on Christmas day, so we were both looking forward to taliking about that and her forthcoming wedding this summer.

One of my other best friends (K) has become one of C's best friends in the last 5 years. C suggested inviting K to our lunch today, which I was thrilled about as it meant I got to see both of them.

However, when I arrived today, K's (on and off of the last 12 years) boyfriend was at the restaurant. so it became a celebratory lunch for the four of us (even though I had deliberately left my husband at home and C had left her fiance at home).

K's boyfriend is a compete tool if that helps. He's 18 years older than us (53 to our 35) and does hideously annoying things like correcting our wine choices, speaking heavily accented italian to our waiter and (and more importantly) constantly criticising our frined K to her face in front of us.

K knew the nature of the lunch, knew it was girls only, but overrode all of that because she wanted to see both of us and also wanted to bring her boyfriend.

We had a lovely time but when I got home, I sent her an email whcih I will post in a later post if anyone is interested. Just wondered what anyone else would have felt about this situation?

[bloo]

My best friend (C) got engaged on Christmas Day. We had planned a girls' lunch for today about 6 weeks ago (I have a 2 year old and a 10 week old - I have to plan going out these days!) and I have been massively looking forward to our lunch. Plus she got engaged on Christmas day, so we were both looking forward to taliking about that and her forthcoming wedding this summer.

One of my other best friends (K) has become one of C's best friends in the last 5 years. C suggested inviting K to our lunch today, which I was thrilled about as it meant I got to see both of them.

However, when I arrived today, K's (on and off of the last 12 years) boyfriend was at the restaurant. so it became a celebratory lunch for the four of us (even though I had deliberately left my husband at home and C had left her fiance at home).

K's boyfriend is a compete tool if that helps. He's 18 years older than us (53 to our 35) and does hideously annoying things like correcting our wine choices, speaking heavily accented italian to our waiter and (and more importantly) constantly criticising our frined K to her face in front of us.

K knew the nature of the lunch, knew it was girls only, but overrode all of that because she wanted to see both of us and also wanted to bring her boyfriend.

We had a lovely time but when I got home, I sent her an email whcih I will post in a later post if anyone is interested. Just wondered what anyone else would have felt about this situation?

In your situation, I'd have been quite angry. And I would have let her know. You were nicer than me because I'd have asked why he was there at the moment they sat down. I've done that before. And the husband wasn't a tool he was someone I liked a lot. ( wasn't angry at him)

[Amava]

K's boyfriend is a compete tool if that helps.

I'm sure that quite on the contrary, that did /not/ help. At all.   

He's 18 years older than us (53 to our 35) and does hideously annoying things like correcting our wine choices, speaking heavily accented italian to our waiter and (and more importantly) constantly criticising our frined K to her face in front of us.

K knew the nature of the lunch, knew it was girls only, but overrode all of that because she wanted to see both of us and also wanted to bring her boyfriend.

Did she, now? Or was it the boyfriend who didn't let her go by herself?
He sounds controlling from what you wrote about him.
I wouldn't be surprised if K was just as unhappy, or even more so, about the situation, that you were.

Now for your question: what would I have felt about this situation? I would not have been happy about it, for sure. I'd have been very annoyed.  And I'd have told him off for kindly but firmly have asked him to stop it with his behaviour to the waiter and  the constant criticising of K. in your presence, because I don't have much patience with that kind of people.

[m2kbug]

It was supposed to be a girls' lunch yet K brought the boyfriend.  Dang.  Annoyed?  Yes.  What the H-E-double toothpicks, K?  Why did you do that?  Then the boyfriend turns out to be a tool six ways to Tuesday.  I think it's terribly unfortunate if K can't get out of the house for a lunch with the girls and has to bring Mr. Wonderful with her, whether he's controlling or she can't separate from him and they have to be forever conjoined.  But you enjoyed your day and made the best of it.  What more can you do?  I'm glad you had fun. 

[DollyPond]

Maybe if you, C and K started talking about intimate "lady things" he would have become so uncomfortable that he would want to leave.  No?

[Raintree]

Just wondered what anyone else would have felt about this situation?

I'd have been extremely annoyed. This was supposed to be a catch up one-on-one lunch with one of your dearest friends, and while you were happy to include the other mutually close friend, suddenly it's a group outing that includes a jerk you don't like and maybe don't feel comfortable discussing whatever you might have wished to discuss. Even if the guy wasn't a complete tool, having him along  would have seriously changed the dynamic. K was invited in on YOUR plans, and had no right to bring ANY extra person along without clearing it with you and C first.

I also agree with the PP who suggested that it wasn't K's idea to bring him, and instead he strong-armed his way in. I've had friends in relationships like this and getting them alone without their bf's is very difficult because the guy pressures them to let him join. Seems these guys feel very threatened by the idea of women spending time together without men.

But regardless, I'd be annoyed with K for allowing this to happen. If she couldn't come without her bf, she shouldn't have come at all (or at least asked you!).

[Seraphine1]

I'm interested in what your email said.  I'm so sorry your lunch got hijacked!

[Lady Snowdon]

I would have been extremely irritated with K.  The plan wasn't to include guys, so her boyfriend shouldn't have been there.  I can lose my grasp on etiquette fairly quickly when I'm angry, so I probably would have asked K what part of "girl's lunch" she didn't grasp.    I think an email afterwards explaining your irritation and unhappiness with the situation is totally appropriate. 

[Lynn2000]

I would also have been really irritated. First, that she brought her boyfriend to a girls-only lunch; and second, that he was such a boor while he was there. If I knew and liked both the friend and the boyfriend, I might have made a joking remark like, "Ken, what are you doing here? This is supposed to be girls-only, you know!  "

But, perhaps oddly, I don't think I would have done that if the guy was a jerk, because it would have been too pointed, you know? I think it would have been a very awkward lunch, and sadly I would've tried to end it as early as possible, just to avoid being around the boor. Then I think I would've scheduled something with JUST C, who at that point would probably not bother to suggest including K again. With two small kids the second gathering might've had to be at my house or something like that, less than ideal for carefree conversation, unfortunately.

Would I say something to K... Ergh, I'm very non-confrontational, myself. If we were attempting to schedule another girls-only event, I might say to her, in a light-hearted way, "Remember, this is girls-only! You can leave Ken at home this time, we don't want to bore him again! Ha ha!" If Ken kept popping up even when he wasn't invited, sadly I would just stop inviting K to things, or going to intimate things she was invited to. I mean, if she asked I could tell her it was because of Ken, but honestly I don't think I personally would volunteer that info. I think there are polite ways it could be said, though.

[LifeOnPluto]

Just a thought: did C invite K and her boyfriend, or K only? If the former, than I think C is partly to blame for not making it clear to you that K's boyfriend was also invited. If the latter, then yes, K was rude for bringing her boyfriend along? Unless she's one of those people who assume that an invitation for them is also an invitation for their SO?

[cicero]

K's boyfriend is a compete tool if that helps. He's 18 years older than us (53 to our 35) and does hideously annoying things is mean, rude, and a bully - like correcting our wine choices, speaking heavily accented italian to our waiter and (and more importantly) constantly criticising our frined K to her face in front of us.

fixed that for ya.


I *might have* accidently blurted out "oh, I didn't realize the guys were invited? I thought this was a girls lunch". but that is probably rude...

from the little that you say here, i also wonder if the BF is the one who insisted on coming, as he is being controlling of her. Do you know if C knew that he was coming? did she invite them both?

I would have been very annoyed - either it's a girl's night out, or it's a couple's thing. they aren't the same.

[Redsoil]

I'd have said "Tool, it's nice of you to drop K off for our girls lunch today, so she can enjoy a few drinks without worrying about driving.  We'll probably finish up around *time* or she can just phone you when we're done if you like!"

And then, if he demurs, be more explicit that this is a GIRLS get-together, so he has some time to do a few other things while you all catch up.

Mind, I tend to be quite blunt in these sorts of scenarios!

[Honeypickle]

Thanks everyone for your supportive and funny emails!

My email went as follows:

Hi K, wanted to say it was so lovely to see you today, and so am so glad you did come for the lunch so I got to see you. But, I'm sorry but I do have to say this - it wan't really approriate for you to bring R. Please understand that this is nothing to do with him, and it was actually lovely to see him again - but this was a lunch I organised with C about 6 weeks ago and I was so looking forward to coming out and having a good girly chat, which is a very rare occurrence for me. She suggested inviting you and I was thrilled about that (she also suggested asking X and although I love X to bits I said no because I wanted a proper chat about the wedding etc).

 

I know you'll be defensive reading this and probably be cross, but its not a personal thing, it's just that the dynamic changes when others are there and it changes the point of the lunch.  If you had committed to being with R today, then really you should have just said that, and although I would have been sorry not to see you, I would have understood.

 

Despite everything I have written above, I really did have a lovely time today and it was lovely to see you - and R too, but I wanted you to know how I felt.

 
So to answer a poster above, C did make it clear to K when she invited her that I didn't want another friend X (another girl) of ours there as it would have changed the dynamic and C did make it clear to K that she knew I wouldn't be pleased about R coming.

Also another good point was made about R inviting himself, and sadly I think that is exactly what happened.

Thanks everyone!

[Seraphine1]

Hmmmm.  I'm not sure I like how this email came off.

1)  It was really rather attacking.  The "sorry, but I have to say this" line and the part about "I know you'll be defensive reading this and will probably be cross..."  Both of these lines would really get my hackles up and I'm sure I would be defensive after reading it.  It's very harsh.

2)  You keep saying how lovely it was that R was with you.  From what you've told us, he's not particularly lovely - he's an opinionated nuisance.  And if he's that critical of K, and if he possibly invited himself, she probably feels about 2 inches tall right now for letting it happen.  She will also know you are being untruthful by saying the visit with him was lovely.


I think I would try something like this:

Dear K

It was so fantastic seeing you for lunch with C yesterday.  I had a really lovely time.

I'm having difficulty saying this, and I apologise if this comes out wrong.  Yesterday was meant to be a girls lunch, with just the three of us, so that we could discuss the wedding and talk about some "girl stuff".  When R arrived with you, we knew the dynamic of our lunch wasn't going to be the same, but we didn't know how to address it at the time.   Because it had been something that had taken so long to organise, I was feeling a little bit hijacked that I wasn't going to get my girl time after all.  I couldn't address some things with R sitting there, and I really felt like I'd missed out.

I only say this so that we can take steps in the future that when we say "a girls lunch" that it actually is "a girls lunch".  If you'd like one of us to say something lighthearted to R about stealing you away for some girl time, we'd be happy to do that, but I'd really appreciate it if we could make arrangements for just you next time.  We can still plan for "couples" events too, but I just wanted to mention this so we were all on the same page.

Looking forward to next time
Honeypickle x


I admit this is hard!  I just agonised over this letter and I don't even know any of the people!  I just think that K may really have something tricky to deal with, and knowing her friends are angry at her is going to make her feel worse.

[PastryGoddess]

Well she's already sent the email, so it's a bit late for editing. 

What's done is done and OP I think that if you're okay with any fallout (as it were) from the email then *shrug*