Girls lunch to celebrate engagement HIJACK - Update Post 12 and 16

[Seraphine1]

Yeah, PastryGoddess is right - I guess I just wanted to give it a try.  I felt the email was a bit harsh and wanted to see if I could soften it a bit and still get the point across.  It's harder than it sounds though.

Honeypickle, I hope you get your girls lunch next time.  You and C should practice what to say to R just in case he tries to horn in again.

[Honeypickle]

Thanks for your suggestions! It probably was a bit harsh but its not the first time she and/or he have done things like this and I suppose I was so disappointed and angry that it came out in my email.

She has replied and apologised. She has also said that since she and I didn't get a chance to talk on the phone before the lunch that she wasn't clear on it being a girls lunch. I think this is a bit of a cop out as she would have known that R's presence was unwelcome but didn't want to deal with the fall out of telling him that. I suppose she would rather disappoint me than him!

Oh and the reason I said that it was lovely to see R (when it obviously wasn't) was because I didn't want to alienate her further by making it seem that I objected to his presence because I don't like him. I don't - but the point was that it was supposed to be a girls celebratory lunch.

We don't hold grudges so will all move on from this and things will be fine, but I am glad I sent the email and hope it will make some difference in the future. Or, as someone suggested above, I'll just make sure she isn't invited to future lunches! On reflection it may not have seemed a big deal to her - she still lives in London, has no kids and can go out for lunch whenever she likes! I, on the other hand, moved out of London 2 and a half years ago and have very young children - so a trip up to London to meet friends for lunch is a massive deal for me!!!

[Amava]

Why did you lie in your email?

It was /not/ lovely to see R, and this had /everything/ to do with him and his behaviour.

I don't mean to attack you, I just genuinely don't understand why you would lie.

You know, it might actually help her to hear that other people don't think his disrespectful behaviour to her is okay.

Edit: never mind, I missed the post where you explained that. I need to drink some more coffee, sorry!

[Piratelvr1121]

I know a couple that, in college he wouldn't let her go anywhere without him except for classes and the bathroom.  Only time I really got time with her away from him was when Star Wars Phantom Menace came out in theaters.

[m2kbug]

I've known people who, once they get a boyfriend, they can't be separated from him.  If they are apart you hear about how much the boyfriend is missed and oh how horrible it is to be apart, as if they won't be seeing each other in a few hours.  They are almost nonfunctional without the boyfriend around.  Annoying. 

With R, obviously he's the problem.  He probably wouldn't let her go alone.  K is going to find herself without time with friends because either people will stop inviting her because she'll drag him along or she will decline because she'll have to take him with her.  I hope this relationship goes into "off again" mode permanently.

Honeysuckle, has anyone addressed to K how he treats her and his behavior? 

[Bijou]

I have a different opinion.  I would have made the best of it with him there and would not have mentioned his being there to K in the moment nor after the fact.  I find no point in doing this. However, next time it would be very clear that it is girls only.  "No guys this time...this is girls only, right?" And if it happened again, I would not be making any future dates with K.  I do know how hard it is to get away when you have children and how precious those gatherings with girlfriends are, but nothing was to be gained by the email nor would there have been to mention it at the time.  (He does sound nearly unbearable, though!)

[VorFemme]

I had a friend call me to tell me that her husband wanted to join us for lunch, as he was off that day (later divorced husband and working on removing the Dear from DH at the time of the lunch).  I called my husband to make it a "couples lunch" since it was not going to be possible to stay on the "girls' lunch topics" (sewing, kids, embroidery, female health issues - aka perimenopause, and the like). 

It turned into her husband bragging about his taste in cars, his ability to make money on the stock market, his new job, and so forth & so on.  After ordering, about the only the thing the other three of us said was "yes, please" if the waiter asked if we wanted a refill or to excuse ourselves to the bathroom (we went to the ladies' room together to have three minutes to chat - main topic was "we are never going to have anyone else join us for lunch now that the kids are too old to take to Chuck E. Cheese to play while we chat").

My husband let me know that he liked her - what he'd heard of her conversation before her husband got going full spate on HIS choice of topics (it wasn't a conversation because no one else could say more than three words) - but that he would NOT be joining us again if "Joe" was coming along.  I told him that she & I had already agreed not to go to lunch if "Joe" was was going to be there.

It's been six or seven years and I still cringe at the way he monopolized the "conversation". 

R may have been a "tool" - or looked like a "fool" - but he's neither the first man nor will he be the last to think that he'd like to be the only guy at a "girls' group".  You have to wonder what they are thinking....

[Piratelvr1121]

Ugh...the guy I mentioned before who wouldn't let his girlfriend go anywhere but class and the bathroom without him in college? He was like that too when we'd get together.   He didn't want conversations, he wanted an audience.

We've cut him out and only will see her now that they're getting divorced.

[LifeOnPluto]

I think we all have a story about a "girls only outing" that was hijacked by a boyfriend / husband!

Mine is that when I was in my first year of uni, I made plans to catch up with some of my high school friends, whom I hadn't seen in months. It was meant to be a girls only night, where we'd have dinner and maybe see a chick flick afterwards.

One of my friends brought her boyfriend along, and he wanted us all to change our plans to play laser tag! Unfortunately we were all too spineless back then to stand up to him (and it didn't help that our friend was siding with her boyfriend) so we ended up cancelling our dinner / movie plans and doing laser tag instead.

I have a different opinion.  I would have made the best of it with him there and would not have mentioned his being there to K in the moment nor after the fact.  I find no point in doing this. However, next time it would be very clear that it is girls only.  "No guys this time...this is girls only, right?" And if it happened again, I would not be making any future dates with K.  I do know how hard it is to get away when you have children and how precious those gatherings with girlfriends are, but nothing was to be gained by the email nor would there have been to mention it at the time.  (He does sound nearly unbearable, though!)

I also think this is the best thing to do.

[Annoyed in America]

I would email "C" this:

Dear C,
It was great to see you today.  I don't mean to be critical, but I was expecting to see you and "Sara" today only.  I wanted to share some private moments with the two of you.   I was not expecting Mr. Jerk to be there.  I know he is a big part of your life, but when we girls get together I expect it to be just us girls. 
Perhaps we could all go out sometime as couples in the future and Mr. Jerk could meet our guys.
But, in the future, please remember that girl's events are just that and tell Mr. Jerk that we will invite him when we bring the boys along for a couples night out.
Best,
Me

This way you are not snubbing Mr. Jerk completely and gently telling your friend don't do this again.

[Annoyed in America]

    Oops, I too, sent my advice before reading all the comments and before discovering your email had been sent.