Should my daughter have "humored" him?

[weeblewobble]

Thanks for the many compliments on my daughter's reserve.  (She said it makes her feel pretty good that Mom's internet friends approve. )  And for the record, she can be just as goofy and silly as the next kid, but she has gotten SO much better at handling confrontation and social interactions over the last year.  I know I keep talking about the martial arts classes, but it has made such a huge difference.  The instructors emphasize thinking before you act and speak, reacting based on the situation instead of the emotional response (i.e. fear or anger.)  She takes it very seriously and it has made a difference in many areas of her behavior, including her schoolwork.  It's not a cure-all, but if your child is interested, I would recommend enrolling them in your nearest reputable karate school.

[RebeccainGA]

Thanks for the many compliments on my daughter's reserve.  (She said it makes her feel pretty good that Mom's internet friends approve. )  And for the record, she can be just as goofy and silly as the next kid, but she has gotten SO much better at handling confrontation and social interactions over the last year.  I know I keep talking about the martial arts classes, but it has made such a huge difference.  The instructors emphasize thinking before you act and speak, reacting based on the situation instead of the emotional response (i.e. fear or anger.)  She takes it very seriously and it has made a difference in many areas of her behavior, including her schoolwork.  It's not a cure-all, but if your child is interested, I would recommend enrolling them in your nearest reputable karate school.

POD on the marital arts (my DD did judo - same effects). She's in Security Forces in the Air National Guard now, and has been told that her poise, her self confidence, and her ability to fall and not get hurt were why they put her in that MOS instead of unloading planes! So, possible career bonuses! (OK, so it's a long shot, but it really IS good for them, and helps get them over the teenage gangly can't manage their own limbs phase quickly).

[gorplady]

I think you were fine.

[Jeremy]

My daughter is a bit like this.  She doesn't like being touched, especially not by people she doesn't know too well, and I think she'd have reacted in the same kind of way.  I think Gary was an idiot to try again after the first time your daughter made it clear that she didn't find his joking around at all funny.  Good for her for the way she dealt with it - she was assertive and not rude at all.

[gramma dishes]

I'm sure he just was trying to elicit a smile with his first approach, but it does bother me that when she didn't react in the way he expected and wanted, he accused her of 'not being in a good mood'.  In other words, "I shouldn't rethink whether or not what I did was appropriate and acceptable to this child, but she didn't smile, darn it!  It's her!  If she weren't in a bad mood she'd have thought that was hysterically funny."  Kind of a 'blame the child' for his error in judgement there.

[LilacRosey]

I don't think anyone needs to apologize its just a joke that she didnt like and told him and it stopped now. If he doesnt again I would say something like "Please stop you are harassing my daughter!" but for now it seems like it's fine., LilacRosey

[LeveeWoman]

I don't think anyone needs to apologize its just a joke that she didnt like and told him and it stopped now. If he doesnt again I would say something like "Please stop you are harassing my daughter!" but for now it seems like it's fine., LilacRosey

He did not stop it. He tried to do it again.

[lovepickles]

My father used to flick me in the nose after telling me I had something on my shirt. It was a trust joke. Or a "you trusted me and I lied to you" kind of joke with an insulting nose flick at the end. If I ever got mad he'd laugh at me for being so serious. My sister laughed every time. I was relentlessly teased because I wouldn't laugh. He was an abusive person in every sense of the word. Even his "jokes" hurt.

This guy Gary is controlling, at the least. His ego is bruised because some 8 year old wouldn't laugh for him and since he did it again he sees her as a challenge to win over. Not sure what he will do with it but I can understand the predatory suspicions because this is how predators pick their targets. Kids who laugh when something isn't funny or have their parents undermine their true feelings are flagged as potential victims. It is a preliminary test.

He does need to back off. Awesome daughter by the way. I just wish the title of your post didn't waiver on your daughters true feelings.

<3

[Amava]

My father used to flick me in the nose after telling me I had something on my shirt. It was a trust joke. Or a "you trusted me and I lied to you" kind of joke with an insulting nose flick at the end. If I ever got mad he'd laugh at me for being so serious. My sister laughed every time. I was relentlessly teased because I wouldn't laugh. He was an abusive person in every sense of the word. Even his "jokes" hurt.

I am really sorry you had to go through that, and thanks for wording it, it helped me understand why I don't like this sort of jokes either. And many pranks rely on that: make fun of people for being too trusting and for believing what you tell them.

This guy Gary is controlling, at the least. His ego is bruised because some 8 year old wouldn't laugh for him and since he did it again he sees her as a challenge to win over. Not sure what he will do with it but I can understand the predatory suspicions because this is how predators pick their targets. Kids who laugh when something isn't funny or have their parents undermine their true feelings are flagged as potential victims. It is a preliminary test.

I still think the suspicions are a bit of a stretch, though. It is completely possible that Gary is just a rather annoying person and not at all a predator. But that still doesn't mean people have to like him! Which brings me to:

He does need to back off. Awesome daughter by the way. I just wish the title of your post didn't waiver on your daughters true feelings.

Agreed with that!! But people like Gary are usually very good at making people second-guess themselves. ("You are oversensitive! You are no fun! You are in a bad moooood!")

And that is what I like about e-hell: people who do second-guess their (or their child's) assertive reaction, can come ask here "Was I rude?" and we can tell them: "Heck no!" and ease their mind. Because the best thing I have learned from this site is that etiquette does not require letting your boundaries be trampled all over.
<3 And because we also know that if we /were/ rude in a certain example, people would honestly tell us.

[VltGrantham]

I have nothing new to add, but just wanted to add to the many others before me that your daughter is a poised, lovely, smart cookie.  Congrats to her and you guys!

[Venus193]

Congratulations to your daughter and to you for getting her to this level.   I agree with everyone else who said she did exactly the right thing.

If Gary tries this again I would tell him to stay away from her.

[JeanFromBNA]

I think that you and your daughter's assessment of the situation was spot on.  The personal space bubble issue outranks the making people feel comfortable issue. 

IF you and your daughter think it would be appropriate, you might approach him with a corny joke.  He sounds like the type that loves them, and it would get the interaction out of the physical, and into the mental arena, where it belongs. 

[LilacRosey]

I don't think anyone needs to apologize its just a joke that she didnt like and told him and it stopped now. If he doesnt again I would say something like "Please stop you are harassing my daughter!" but for now it seems like it's fine., LilacRosey

He did not stop it. He tried to do it again.

I meant from now on, not from before., LilacRosey

[snappylt]

Weeblewobble, I think all three of you handled the situation beautifully.  (I noted that your husband decided to not apologize.  I think he was right because I think your daughter did nothing wrong.)

I'm a retired man.  I do not go around touching other people's kids, so I wouldn't have tried that lame joke in the first place.  But I especially would not have tried it again if a first attempt at humor failed!

If I were the parent involved, I don't know that I would be wary of Gary because of fear that he is a predator.  But I would be wary of Gary because I sense that something is "off" or "different" about him.  I'd be very watchful of him just because I'd be concerned that he might keep on with the "jokes" until he satisfies whatever it is he's looking for - and because your daughter clearly doesn't want this kind of interaction.

If you or your husband want to, I think it would be perfectly polite to tell Gary (in a calm, polite tone of voice) that you and your daughter do not like those sort of "jokes" and you, as her parents, want him to stop now.  As long as it is said in a polite tone of voice, I think that is perfectly appropriate for you to say.  The only polite response from Gary to hearing that from you would be for Gary to say, "Of course!  I won't do it again."  If Gary argues, though, you'll know something is very odd about him and you can give him the broken record of, "Nonetheless, we want it to stop, now."

[doodlemor]

This guy Gary is controlling, at the least. His ego is bruised because some 8 year old wouldn't laugh for him and since he did it again he sees her as a challenge to win over. Not sure what he will do with it but I can understand the predatory suspicions because this is how predators pick their targets. Kids who laugh when something isn't funny or have their parents undermine their true feelings are flagged as potential victims. It is a preliminary test.

He does need to back off. Awesome daughter by the way. I just wish the title of your post didn't waiver on your daughters true feelings.

<3

I think that Gary is a creep. 

One hazard of being "older" is that I've seen too much.  I've seen too many guys like this, who are just rather banal in their teasing/controlling behavior.  Enough already. 

I think that you, DH, and DD handled this well, OP.  If i were you I'd just keep an eye on the situation, since DD is still a child, in case you or DH need to step in and deal with his at some point.