No more gifts for nephews?

[Otterpop]

Yes, follow their lead.  No more gifts.

[Redneck Gravy]

I'm not a stickler about thank you notes.  A verbal 'thanks' is fine with me.  It's a plus to get a phone call or a special hug but really, a text to say "thanks"...is that too much to ask for? 

Apparently it is!

I have also cut off gifting a niece & nephew over the same issue.  One of them had the gall to call me and ask if I had sent them a card on their last birthday and I said, "no, I have never heard the words Thank You cross your lips and so I assumed you did not appreciate the gifts and I have stopped sending them."  His reply, "oh, ok" and hung up.

Children learn what they see!

[White Lotus]

I am rethinking verbal thanks.   People who grew up able to thank everyone in person/on family phone call they do not initiate personally can somehow miss that when that does not happen, they need to write a note, pick up the phone, or send an email of thanks, if only to let the giver know the gift was received.  Were I doing it over, I would teach sending written thanks in any form, as a requirement for any gift, so it would become a habit.  My own Sprouts are not as good at thanks as they should be, and I think this is the reason.

Next time, I would be inclined to text them "happy (seasonal holidays of your choice)" and call it good.  If you usually give them something for birthdays or other occasions, I'd text then, too, in lieu of a gift or card.  It feels just a little evil  , but it might help them learn.

[BeagleMommy]

Roe, I'm sorry for the pain this is causing you.  Unfortunately, it seems your nephews learned well at their mother's feet.  I don't think you would be wrong to no longer send gifts.

[DottyG]

I'm free to do so since they've yet to text a simple "thanks", right?

Absolutely.

[Slartibartfast]

I'd send them a card the next few times, actually, because if you don't send anything at all you'll probably get a phone call asking "Where is our present?" and it will cause unnecessary drama.  A card conveys both "I was thinking of you" and "This is all you get."

[TootsNYC]

a card also conveys, "Our relationship is about meaning, not about stuff."

I'd personally suggest you write a note in the card--make it be personal.

[HockeyNut]

I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

[Lynn2000]

I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

I stopped sending gifts to my nieces and nephew after years of never hearing a peep out of them about the gifts. I've never heard anything about it, at all, ever, and whenever I've seen them since they've been perfectly pleasant to me. I, too, wondered if there would be fallout or comments, but there wasn't, thank goodness. And even though at the time I kind of wanted to be pointed about it, I finally decided that stopping the gifts was really for my peace of mind, and I didn't need to involve them at all. My line I had prepared in case anyone said anything was a startled, "Oh, I didn't realize you still wanted/enjoyed them, I never heard anything about them." Because, you know, they wouldn't literally have to say the words "thank you," if they'd ever even mentioned using the gifts in a positive way to me.

[DollyPond]

I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

I think that once they reach 16 or so there should be an acknowledgement and thanks for the gifts.  Up until that time maybe the realization hasn't set in?  or maybe I'm being overly generous.

I cut off my nephews when they were 16 or 17 due to lack of acknowledgement not to mention lack of thanks.  I gave them one last chance and when that was a failure as well they got cut off.

I have also cut off by DB and SIL this year for the same reasons (apple doesn't fall far from the tree).  Apparently if I don't send them a Lexus to sit in their driveway with a big red bow the gift is subpar and not worthy of thanks.

Now I suppose I'm the "mean, bad Aunt/Sister"

[Snooks]

I say just stop giving them the gifts, you don't need to say anything but a card is a good way to send the message.  The only experience I have of this is my older cousins stopping giving me gifts.  By the time I was born they were just getting their first jobs so I suspect buying for their baby cousin was their way of showing they were all grown up.  Once my eldest cousin was married when I was eighteen we stopped seeing them regularly at Christmas and they stopped buying me gifts.  I always sent a thank you note so it wasn't done with any hard feelings just a recognition that the situation had changed.

[HockeyNut]

I think that once they reach 16 or so there should be an acknowledgement and thanks for the gifts.  Up until that time maybe the realization hasn't set in?  or maybe I'm being overly generous.

I cut off my nephews when they were 16 or 17 due to lack of acknowledgement not to mention lack of thanks.  I gave them one last chance and when that was a failure as well they got cut off.

I have also cut off by DB and SIL this year for the same reasons (apple doesn't fall far from the tree).  Apparently if I don't send them a Lexus to sit in their driveway with a big red bow the gift is subpar and not worthy of thanks.

Now I suppose I'm the "mean, bad Aunt/Sister"
[/quote]

I didn't have a problem with the no thanks when they were younger but now that they are all preteens/teens with smartphones/FB accounts etc I'm having a harder time ignoring the lack of thanks.  A quick text or message on FB & I'd be happy.  Or maybe even a "thanks for all the money over the years" when I'm sitting across from them at the dinner table!! (they see me at least once a year when I visit my sister - their grandmother).
I'm still trying to get Christmas gifts sent (it was a very bad December for me) so
maybe I'll just skip them this year & see what kind of reaction - if any - I get.
Thank you for your answers.  It's nice to know I'm not the only person in this boat!

Just saw the post from Snooks.  My cut-off for gifts is 18.  You get a nice big check for your 18th & a nice big check for graduation & then it's no gifts until your wedding.  My nephews starting having too many kids & my bank account couldn't keep up!

[Roe]

I like the idea of sending a card, just a card.  This conveys the message that I still care about them but also (I hope) makes them realize that they should appreciate gifts 'cause they are extra and not something they are entitled to. 

To the poster who said that nephews feel entitled to be given money/gifts, I think you are on the right track. That's exactly what it is! 

Heck, my kids thank me for making them dinner (which isn't extra) so for someone not to thank me for going out of my way to get them the giftcard (store isn't close to our house but I know they like to shop there) and then purchasing a Christmas card and then taking the envelopes to the post office and paying for tracking...sorry, but you aren't going to get away with ignoring all of my efforts.

And nephew1's birthday is in Febuary.  He's not getting a gift. 

[poundcake]

I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

After a specific gift was demanded of me that I couldn't give, I finally told my niece and nephew that I was done giving them gifts. I explained that after 15 years of never receiving any sort of acknowledgment, never having anything reciprocated in any way, and always having to do all of the legwork, I was finished. Their mother (SIL) then proceeded to berate me in front of them about how selfish I was and had never really done anything of substance for her or her children. How dare I hurt her babies? And I should never expect anything of her or them because her life was so much harder than mine because she has kids. Frankly, my politeness didn't mean a damned thing in the end because they are all selfish brats. It hurt to realize how little they cared about me in return, but there wasn't much else I could do.

[Redneck Gravy]

In our family we generally go with the birthday gifts until you graduate from high school and then a graduation gift - after that you are an adult and are "basically" expected to participate in the adult drawing pool or opt out.  This is common knowledge and not some secret kept from all of our children. 

For my nephew I sent money every birthday and Christmas and another check for graduation.  I never received a thank you note, text or phone call for any of the above.  A few months after graduation his birthday passed, he called after his birthday to see if I had sent a card (where's my money is how I took it).  I replied that since I had never heard a thank you for any of the previous gifts I didn't think he appreciated them and there would be no more.  Then I called his mother and asked her to explain the situation to him (no thank you's through the years and that he was now expected to participate in the drawings or opt out and asking why he did not know this as her other children did). 

My niece also received money for birthdays and Christmas.  Since there was some estrangement drama in our family during the last Christmas prior to her graduation I told my SIL that was handing her the money that I expected to at least get a text thanking me for the money or there would not be any more and SIL relayed that message to her.  Still no word, so no more gifts.  She recently married at a civil ceremony (with no prior information being sent out and still no formal announcement) and my SIL said that niece had mentioned not receiving any monetary gifts.  SIL replied that (1) how was anyone supposed to know other than FaceBook and (2) she had never thanked anyone previously and quite frankly that puts some relatives off, therefore they don't continue to gift ungrateful snowflakes.   I have no idea what her gimme plan is now.  My daughter is friends with her on FB and said she still plans to have a big white wedding.   

We used to joke that once the kids moved up to the "grown up" table they lost their birthday gifts so it's not like this is some secret practice in our family.  All of my children and my brother's children know this.  Some of my sister's kids know this and apparently some do not, that's on her IMO. 

Some nieces and nephews have become gimme brats and I have given all I'm gonna.