No more gifts for nephews?

[DollyPond]

I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

After a specific gift was demanded of me that I couldn't give, I finally told my niece and nephew that I was done giving them gifts. I explained that after 15 years of never receiving any sort of acknowledgment, never having anything reciprocated in any way, and always having to do all of the legwork, I was finished. Their mother (SIL) then proceeded to berate me in front of them about how selfish I was and had never really done anything of substance for her or her children. How dare I hurt her babies? And I should never expect anything of her or them because her life was so much harder than mine because she has kids. Frankly, my politeness didn't mean a damned thing in the end because they are all selfish brats. It hurt to realize how little they cared about me in return, but there wasn't much else I could do.

Are you secretly my sister??? 

That sounds exactly like my SIL who thinks that the mere fact that she gave birth to my 2 nephews entitles her to royal treatment no matter how she (or anyone else in their family) treats you in return.

[onyonryngs]

It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.

[Lorelei_Evil]

I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

After a specific gift was demanded of me that I couldn't give, I finally told my niece and nephew that I was done giving them gifts. I explained that after 15 years of never receiving any sort of acknowledgment, never having anything reciprocated in any way, and always having to do all of the legwork, I was finished. Their mother (SIL) then proceeded to berate me in front of them about how selfish I was and had never really done anything of substance for her or her children. How dare I hurt her babies? And I should never expect anything of her or them because her life was so much harder than mine because she has kids. Frankly, my politeness didn't mean a damned thing in the end because they are all selfish brats. It hurt to realize how little they cared about me in return, but there wasn't much else I could do.

Are you secretly my sister??? 

That sounds exactly like my SIL who thinks that the mere fact that she gave birth to my 2 nephews entitles her to royal treatment no matter how she (or anyone else in their family) treats you in return.

I think I might be your cousin.  I have a cousin who seems to possess the Progeny of the Golden Womb, therefore we mere mortals are simply cash registers. 

Roe, you've done so much for those boys, no one can begrudge you not sending them more stuff. 

[wolfie]

It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.

My nephews are 1 and 2 and if I don't hear from my sister that the christmas gifts arrived by Jan 31 I am not going to send them anything again. Yes they are too young to do it themselves and I feel like I am punishing them, but I also am getting sick of sending things into a black hole and never even knowing if they arrived at all. How good of a relationship can I develop with them if there is no feedback? I feel bad about it but in the end I don't want to end up angry every year. FYI - the gifts were sent so they should have arrived before christmas but I still haven't heard wether they arrived or not.

[Lynn2000]

It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.

I do think this is a good point. At least, maybe you (general) won't having a gifting relationship with them, but you could still have a positive emotional relationship with them, maybe as they get older and more independent. Giving all those unacknowledged gifts really soured my opinion of my nieces and nephew and their parents (not unreasonably). Once I stopped sending the gifts, and a little time had passed, I felt a lot better about them. I wasn't investing as much time, effort, and money into them, so they had a much lower bar to hit for me to feel okay with the relationship.

This sounds like I'm excusing them for not thanking me; I'm not. I'm just saying, I was unhappy with the lack of balance in the relationship, and since they wouldn't reach "up," I dropped "down," if you see what I mean, and I feel like a new balance has been achieved, which I'm content with. Now that the kids are getting older and starting to go to college, I hope maybe I can have a more adult-to-adult emotional relationship with them. I have no intention of sending them gifts again any time soon, though. I wouldn't rule it out forever and ever, but we're going to have to get a lot closer, and they'll have to show me that they've matured a lot more, before I try that again. But I don't think ill of them still.

It's hard when the kids are young and their house just seems to be a black hole, except for when they or their parents demand more.  I've never encountered that situation personally but it would be really unpleasant. I think you have to figure that you're probably not really "punishing" the kids--they will most likely get gifts and necessities from other people, like their parents. If you really suspect they are not getting anything, if you don't send it, there are other strategies you can try, but I think that's a different situation.

[Roe]

For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

No more gifts from me. Cards, yes.  But no more gifts.  And I finally realized, I don't feel bad about it. 

[Otterpop]

No more gifts from me. Cards, yes.  But no more gifts.  And I finally realized, I don't feel bad about it. 

Yay!!!  And you shouldn't.

[Amara]

Don't be surprised, Roe, if they contact you after they get the card and demand to know ask if you forgot to enclose their gift cards.

[magicdomino]

It's your choice whether or not to give them gifts.  You don't need permission to stop.  But how old are these kids?  Are they young enough that you're just punishing them for their parents' neglect to teach them these things?  Also, don't hold the grudge too long, they are kids and should be given a 2nd chance eventually if you do stop giving gifts.

My nephews are 1 and 2 and if I don't hear from my sister that the christmas gifts arrived by Jan 31 I am not going to send them anything again. Yes they are too young to do it themselves and I feel like I am punishing them, but I also am getting sick of sending things into a black hole and never even knowing if they arrived at all. How good of a relationship can I develop with them if there is no feedback? I feel bad about it but in the end I don't want to end up angry every year. FYI - the gifts were sent so they should have arrived before christmas but I still haven't heard wether they arrived or not.

I cut off one young great-grandnephew because no one ever let me know if he got his gifts.  Throwing gifts into a black hole is exactly how I describe it.  It doesn't have to be a written thank you note; it doesn't even need to be a phone call.  Both the child's mother, and her mother, with whom she lives, had my email address. They could forward gludge and urban legends, but not say, "We got the gift."   

My rule for the other great nieces and nephews is that you get Christmas gifts as long as you are in school full-time, and/or are under 22.  After that, you need to get a job and buy your own stuff.   

[snappylt]

For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

No more gifts from me. Cards, yes.  But no more gifts.  And I finally realized, I don't feel bad about it. 

Roe, I think I remember reading some threads from a few years ago about how their mother used to take advantage of you and how you put a stop to that.  From what you have said here, I think I agree that you'd be fine to stop the gifts.  Period.

Here's an option I see.  You could decide to try to use this as a teachable moment, if you think that might help your nephews.  That is, you could gently explain to them why you've decided to stop the gifts.  It is possible that they might learn about the need to thank people.  (Honestly, I suspect that they won't get it.  But maybe you'd feel better if you tried to teach them.)

[Nox]

For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

Do they know they've crossed the divide into adult expectations? I'm not saying you should give them any more gifts, but sometimes people of that general age range need to be told that they're in a different group now and what the new rules that apply to them are.

[Roe]

For those wondering, nephew1 will be 20 next month and nephew2 will be 18 this year. They aren't little kids who don't know better. I've excused their behavior long enough. 

Do they know they've crossed the divide into adult expectations? I'm not saying you should give them any more gifts, but sometimes people of that general age range need to be told that they're in a different group now and what the new rules that apply to them are.

Yes, they do.

[Texas Mom]

I don't want to threadjack but I have a question for those of you who have cut off the gift train to ungrateful young relatives.

Did you tell them you would not be sending any more gifts?  Just stop sending them & wait for them to notice?

I'm thinking it's time to stop sending gifts to the great nephews/nieces because over the years (16 for the oldest) I have never once heard a thank you from any of them.  Maybe I'm just turning into a cranky old female dog but I'm tired of it.

My only problem is I don't know the polite way to say "No Gifts For You!"

ETA:  My apologies to Seinfeld for messing with his line.

I had an Auntie (great aunt) who cut off everyone because she didn't get ty notes from my siblings and many of my cousins.   She told the parents of the children to communicate the fact to their spawn.

My favorite cousin & I were the only ones upset by it.  We always wrote our ty notes and sent her chatty letters about family matters every few months.  Even though it stung, I continued sending Auntie letters until she died - I don't know if cousin did or not.

[joraemi]

2013:  Roe's year of No.

 (sequel to Roe's summer of No, a popular and inspiring story enjoyed by many....)

[strawbabies]

I certainly hope 2013 is the start of the Lifetime of No.