General Etiquette > Life...in general

How to word this - backing away from a friendship

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Danika:
Yes, I'm open to more ideas. I have saved the email in my Drafts folder because I hope we can all come up with something better than my original. I won't send it for a couple of days.

PastryGoddess:
I've been dealing with a similar situation for the past year or so.  After trial and error, what seemed to work was me saying "I'm not sure what my schedule is going to be like, here are the days I'm generally free.  Why don't you shoot me a text message a week or so before you want to meet?"  I put the onus on getting together on her

Eventually her text messages and phone calls went from every week, to every couple of weeks, to every month or so.  I just stayed too busy to meet.  What also helped was that in September I quit my full time job and started my own business, so I could use that as a legitimate reason to be busy and not answer phone calls and text messages.  I'm down to getting the occasional text blast and holiday message.

Now you have kids and family so I'm sure being busy is not an issue for you :)

LazyDaisy:
DH is not sure of his new work schedule yet. We don't know how many, if any, weekends he'll be working. So I'm hesitant to I can't commit to a date in February until we know what his new job is like. Let's hold off on planning anything and I'll email you when we are able to get together right now.

This won't commit you to contacting her or making a plan at a later date. I think the time to address the negativity is at the time it occurs -- I just can't think of a good way of bringing it up now that doesn't feel like an ambush of sorts. Then when she emails you again with her list of woes (because she undoubtedly will), address it then. "Friend, you sound like you have a lot of stress right now. It feels like every conversation with you is filled with negativity. I have a philosophy of focusing on positive things and this is starting to stress me out and I don't have the energy to deal with it. I hope you can find some way to work these things out, but I'm not qualified to help you do that. Please, stop using me as a venting board." or something similar. I'm sure some other e-hellion can phrase it better. Hopefully she takes it well and can remain distantly friendly, but she may feel "victimized" no matter how nicely you do it.

rose red:

--- Quote from: PastryGoddess on January 07, 2013, 06:56:12 PM ---I've been dealing with a similar situation for the past year or so.  After trial and error, what seemed to work was me saying "I'm not sure what my schedule is going to be like, here are the days I'm generally free.  Why don't you shoot me a text message a week or so before you want to meet?"  I put the onus on getting together on her

Eventually her text messages and phone calls went from every week, to every couple of weeks, to every month or so.  I just stayed too busy to meet.  What also helped was that in September I quit my full time job and started my own business, so I could use that as a legitimate reason to be busy and not answer phone calls and text messages.  I'm down to getting the occasional text blast and holiday message.

Now you have kids and family so I'm sure being busy is not an issue for you :)

--- End quote ---

So you gave her dates that you are free, but when she calls, you tell her you are busy?  That's not very nice and I don't recommend this approach.  Unless I'm misunderstanding your post.  I apologize if I am.

PastryGoddess:

--- Quote from: rose red on January 07, 2013, 07:20:38 PM ---
--- Quote from: PastryGoddess on January 07, 2013, 06:56:12 PM ---I've been dealing with a similar situation for the past year or so.  After trial and error, what seemed to work was me saying "I'm not sure what my schedule is going to be like, here are the days I'm generally free.  Why don't you shoot me a text message a week or so before you want to meet?"  I put the onus on getting together on her

Eventually her text messages and phone calls went from every week, to every couple of weeks, to every month or so.  I just stayed too busy to meet.  What also helped was that in September I quit my full time job and started my own business, so I could use that as a legitimate reason to be busy and not answer phone calls and text messages.  I'm down to getting the occasional text blast and holiday message.

Now you have kids and family so I'm sure being busy is not an issue for you :)

--- End quote ---

So you gave her dates that you are free, but when she calls, you tell her you are busy?  That's not very nice and I don't recommend this approach.  Unless I'm misunderstanding your post.  I apologize if I am.

--- End quote ---

no, I didn't give her specific dates.

She is someone who did not want me to hang out with anyone but her and would get pouty and jealous if I decided to hang out with other people/do stuff on my own.  So I started putting parameters on our meetings as I was getting tired of her behavior.

I refused to make plans for than two weeks out.  I also only agreed to hang out on my days off which were the same every week.  Her schedule was more flexible and so I put the onus her to contact me when our schedules meshed. 

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