Is there any way for me to ask for the sofa back?

[sourwolf]

Sorry, nope, sounds like it's a half-sofa for you for now.  I do like the idea of asking for first right of refusal if she decides to trade up, though.

I seem to recall seeing an ehell poster with a tag line that was something like "I could have ham and eggs if I had some ham and some eggs." I guess that kind of applies to my situation - I could have a whole sectional if I hadn't given away half of it.

Ok, I call Uncle and will refrain from asking about the sofa. 

Thanks for the reality check.

[YummyMummy66]

You gave it away.   You did not say she could borrow said sofa, you said free to a good home.

You don't get it back now, especially after a year.

I would buy myself a new sofa. 

[sourwolf]

YummyMummy, I think you might have missed my previous post (one above yours.) I said I wouldn't be asking for the sofa back.

And thank you for the suggestion that I buy a new sofa, but as I said in my second to last post that isn't an option.

[Hmmmmm]

Sourwolf, I was thinking about you during a conversation with my sister yesterday.  In our family, it's common for the next generation to get hand-me downs of furniture or housing items to use while off to college or when first starting out and then these items get passed on to others in the family.

About 8 years ago, my nephew was at college and moved into an apartment.  DH and I had a leather sofa we let him have with the caveat of "when you decide you don't want it anymore, just let us know".  After college he moved it with him to his first apartment in OurCity.  I also provided him with a set of dishes to "help him get started". 

Nephew is getting married, sis was in town over the weekend staying at her sons (nephew) and we had this conversation.
Sis: I asked son about he and fiancee registering for dishes and he said that he had your old ones he likes so no need to get any more.
Me: Oh, I thought he'd just use those for a year or two and then send them back to us once he was tired of them.
Sis: It's like your sofa, I don't think your getting that back either.  You know it's really held up well.  It is still the most comfortable sofa I've ever sat on.  How old is it?
Me: We bought it a year or so before DD was born so around 20 years old.  I loved that sofa.  Took me forever to find it and then had it shipped from Italy which took 2 months. I thought nephew would be tire of it by now and we would have sent it off to college with DD.
Sis: Well I guess I better start redecorating so I can provide your DD with items 'cause I don't think son plans for you to get any of your stuff back.   
Me laughing:  Don't start yet, fiancee may lot like my cast offs as much as nephew.
Sis: Don't count on it.  Fiancee remarked how much she likes "Hmmm's sofa"

Lesson learned:  If loaning, set a time limit. Even though everyone still refers to it as my sofa, I don't think I'll ever get it back. 

 

[TootsNYC]

I think you can offer to buy it back, if you've figured out how to get it in the apartment.

Then she can use the money to buy one at a thrift store.

(Scout her out one in advance, and use that both to price the sofa and to persuade her that it would be a good deal for her. And offer to help move things around.)

If I'd received a sofa in the scenario you described, I'd be fine with that sort of setup.

[postalslave]

I think you can offer to buy it back, if you've figured out how to get it in the apartment.

Then she can use the money to buy one at a thrift store.

(Scout her out one in advance, and use that both to price the sofa and to persuade her that it would be a good deal for her. And offer to help move things around.)

If I'd received a sofa in the scenario you described, I'd be fine with that sort of setup.

I agree with this. If you didn't have the other half of the sofa I'd feel differently but this isn't a huge etiquette violation in my eyes. If I were the owner of the other half of the sofa and you explained the situation and offered to replace it that wouldn't be a huge deal to me. If anything I'd probably like the new one better (because I wouldn't have half a sectional  ).

[wolfie]

Sorry, nope, sounds like it's a half-sofa for you for now.  I do like the idea of asking for first right of refusal if she decides to trade up, though.

I think that would have worked best if it had been part of the offer to begin with. My friend moved and I took his couches. If he had said that he wants them back if I wanted to get rid of them as he was giving them to me then no problem. If he called me up a year later and said that he had been thinking about it and wanted them back if I wanted to get rid of them then I would find the whole conversation strange and be wondering if this was his roundabout way of asking for them back.

[bloo]

Sorry, nope, sounds like it's a half-sofa for you for now.  I do like the idea of asking for first right of refusal if she decides to trade up, though.

I think that would have worked best if it had been part of the offer to begin with. My friend moved and I took his couches. If he had said that he wants them back if I wanted to get rid of them as he was giving them to me then no problem. If he called me up a year later and said that he had been thinking about it and wanted them back if I wanted to get rid of them then I would find the whole conversation strange and be wondering if this was his roundabout way of asking for them back.

Yeah I would think so too. And I don't really like that when it happens.

Twice in the last couple of years I've been offered stuff conditionally and I always turn it down. If you're looking to get rid of stuff so it's no longer yours and actually becomes mine and I happen to need it - great. If you're offering me something that your grandfather made and want it back if I don't want it anymore then I feel as if it's on loan. And I hate borrowing things because what if I break it? Then I have to pay for it and I still don't own it.

I'm not saying there's anything wrong if someone offers something conditionally - it can work out great for a lot of people.

I did have one friend offer me a beautiful, twin-sized bed frame with drawers and shelved headboard. Her father had made it many years ago. She told me if I wanted to get rid of it, she wanted it back. I told her I appreciated the offer but no thanks. I'd be essentially borrowing it because I move a lot and if I moved out-of-state I'd feel compelled to give it back.

It was like she didn't even hear me. She brought it up later, huffing and puffing, that she gave it to someone else because I didn't let her know in a timely manner that I wasn't interested.  So I just said, 'that's nice, anyways about this beandip,' and we talked about other things.

[BarensMom]

Personally, after a year, I wouldn't want the section piece back.  You don't know what goes on in a person's house.  I'd offer her the second part and buy a new sofa.

This reminds me of when I posted about DH's treadmill and my red leather sofa.  As much as I miss it, after a year of my SIL's cigarette smoke, I don't want it back.

[sourwolf]

Personally, after a year, I wouldn't want the section piece back.  You don't know what goes on in a person's house.  I'd offer her the second part and buy a new sofa.

This reminds me of when I posted about DH's treadmill and my red leather sofa.  As much as I miss it, after a year of my SIL's cigarette smoke, I don't want it back.

It's not in her house, it's in her office.

No offense, but for the third time, I won't be buying a new sofa.  I really can't make it any more clear than that.


Toots thanks for your suggestion but unless the tide massively turns, it seems like the consensus is that it's rude for me to mention, in any way, something that hints that I'd like the sofa back.

[Lindee]

I can't see that it would be so rude to talk to her about it. Maybe she isn't using it after all. Maybe she's be relieved to get rid of it as she needs the space, you'll never know unless you inquire. As long as you are prepared to accept cheerfully that she still wants it and don't try to guilt her. I think those saying you should offer her the rest of the sofa are over the top and it sounds like you need it yourself.

[TootsNYC]

Toots thanks for your suggestion but unless the tide massively turns, it seems like the consensus is that it's rude for me to mention, in any way, something that hints that I'd like the sofa back.

I'm the absolute first to mention buying it from her. So don't discount that possibility just because everybody else got all wrapped up in the whole "asking for it back" concept.

[NyaChan]

sourwolf, I don't think it is unreasonable of posters to want to discuss the issue even if you've already come to your own decision of how to proceed. 

For my part, I'd consider approaching her to ask to buy it.  I know it is a little off since the sofa was given to her outright, but this isn't really a social relationship, it is a limited-time business one so I think if you approach it in a business-like fashion, you could pull it off.   "Do you still have the sofa that I gave you when I moved in?  If you ever decide to sell it, I actually still have the other half of the sectional and would be happy to buy it."  Maybe even put in a line about how it is hard to match furniture you already have to new pieces in stores?

[MariaE]

For my part, I'd consider approaching her to ask to buy it.  I know it is a little off since the sofa was given to her outright, but this isn't really a social relationship, it is a limited-time business one so I think if you approach it in a business-like fashion, you could pull it off.   "Do you still have the sofa that I gave you when I moved in?  If you ever decide to sell it, I actually still have the other half of the sectional and would be happy to buy it."  Maybe even put in a line about how it is hard to match furniture you already have to new pieces in stores?

I don't see anything wrong with this either. Especially as it's being used for office furniture rather than home furniture.

[Bijou]

I'm in the 'I don't do upholstered thrift store furniture' camp myself (I'll do 2nd hand furniture if I think the person seems clean enough to not skeeve me out and trustworthy , but thrifting is a different ball of wax)

I'd say that I'd think you're kinda outta luck on this one.

I'm with you!  Especially with the current 'popularity' of bedbugs.  Gives me the shivers to think about bringing anything that could be a host of such critters into my home!