dear abby letter

[Barghest1031]

I've been known to look like a straight up oddball when I go out in public- I love medieval, asian, and other ethnic clothing. And yes, I suppose dark kimono and hakamas might seem intimidating to some. Never mind that I try to be polite dealing with people, I guess according to Abby I need to chuck all the gorgeous clothes I own because, Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me!, somebody might be intimidated. I guess I should trade in my long robes for businesswomen's skirts and pantyhose, my graceful cloaks for suit jackets, and my lovely mysterious black Jedi cloak for a nondescript plain coat. Ditch the imposing appearance some of my outfits give me in favour of soft and vulnerable clothing, delicate and pretty. Never mind that soft, vulnerable, and delicate tends to scream "victim" or "pushover". Not to mention how utterly false I would feel in such an appearance.

I cordially invite Abby to bite me.

Completely OT, but I think I may be tempted to borrow your wardrobe. ^_^

[Amanita]

Thanks:) I'm thinking of joining the Rebel Legion with my Jedi costume, and I'm so glad I learned to sew- I can make alot of my own non-mundane stuff now.

About being stared at in stores- I remember a store run by a couple of asian ladies in town here- they sold asian food, and some anime toys, as well as renting asian movies. The ladies there STARED at every non-asian customer who came in, thinking that we were all going to steal from them. My friend spent a ton of money there on food, anime, and video rentals. And they still accused her of stealing once, for having anime stuff in her possession when she came into the store. On one occasion, she asked to put something on layaway, and was told that the store did not do that. That's okay, but what did these ladies do five minutes later, right in front of her? Put an item on layaway for an asian teen who came in. The owners of that place were unabashedly racist towards non asian customers, and I was not surprised when they went out of business after awhile. Alienating a chunk of your customer base is NOT a smart idea if you want to keep the money coming in!

[goblue2539]

Here's the response I was looking for.  I knew as soon as I read that that I couldn't possibly be the only one offended and upset that she had the nerve to blame the girl for people being rude.  I think I might actually sit down to write a letter on that one. 

I guess I'm somewhat masochistic though.  I read Dear Abby every day, and I keep expecting her to get something right.  Also Dear Prudence, although she's at least about 50/50 from what I've seen.  But, I might have missed a couple. 

[Xanthia, Maker of fine Tin-foil hats since 2007]

http://www.snopes.com/business/bank/barrier.asp

Just another reason not to judge a book by its cover.

As a quite normal looking teen over 15 years ago, I was treated poorly, followed and given horrible service in resturaunts. 

One time I took my friend out to lunch at our favorite resturaunt during the week because they had GREAT lunch specials, we barely got any service, I was argued with about my order (I got the same thing everytime, crab cakes and crabmeat au'gratten with a baked potato, she insisted that it came with potato SALAD, which I do not eat unless my mom makes it, and even when I showed her on the menu that it was a baked potato, she continued to argue with me), no refills, and no notice until the check was dropped if in a "drive-by" way, not asking if we wanted desert or anything.

I paid the bill in cash and only had 1 of the 9 dollars of change owed me brought back.  When I asked about my change I was told she was "Keeping it for her tip.". The bill was around $21.  I asked to see the manager, waited a LONG time to see the manager.  When I told the manager what happened, he started to side with the server until I pointed out that a 20% tip on the tab would have been closer to $4.20, and the service we got was not good enough to warrant that, and by keeping my $8, the server was helping herself to my $3.80 because she thought she could get away with it (not the money here, the principal) and that $8 dollars was close to a 38% tip wihich she no where NEAR deserved.

Now, my friends family had gone there for Sunday lunch after church every year for over 5 years, and both he and I knew the owner, but did not pull the "I know the owner card", until the owner walked over and said hello to us, offered us free Bread Pudding (they had the best) and asked what the problem was...

My friend never saw that server or "manager" again (who was actually another server NOT a manager, hard to tell hen they all wear tuxedo shirts, vests, and pants)

And I always tipped well, it was ingrained into me by my parents.

[Ferrets]

I dress "alternatively" (have the whole spiky, brightly dyed hair [when I don't have it razored, that is  ], black/weird clothing, tattoos, facial piercings and several earrings) - and I LOVE the double-takes I occasionally get from some passers-by when they see me on Sunday mornings...

...walking into the local Catholic Church with my viola

[blue2000]

I've been known to look like a straight up oddball when I go out in public- I love medieval, asian, and other ethnic clothing. And yes, I suppose dark kimono and hakamas might seem intimidating to some. Never mind that I try to be polite dealing with people, I guess according to Abby I need to chuck all the gorgeous clothes I own because, Oh my goodness! Goodness gracious me!, somebody might be intimidated. I guess I should trade in my long robes for businesswomen's skirts and pantyhose, my graceful cloaks for suit jackets, and my lovely mysterious black Jedi cloak for a nondescript plain coat. Ditch the imposing appearance some of my outfits give me in favour of soft and vulnerable clothing, delicate and pretty. Never mind that soft, vulnerable, and delicate tends to scream "victim" or "pushover". Not to mention how utterly false I would feel in such an appearance.

I cordially invite Abby to bite me.

Completely OT, but I think I may be tempted to borrow your wardrobe. ^_^

I think I'm tempted to move! I'd love to be able to wear that kind of thing, but the town I live in right now is very narrowminded - I had to put away some of my cooler clothing when I moved here, just so I wouldn't get nasty comments.

And having somebody like Dear Abby perpetuating the idea of "conformity at any cost" does NOT make me happy!

[goblue2539]

I sent my protest email this morning.  I probably should've tried to write it out first, but I just had to get it out.  And I'm sure I'm not the only one who's going to write her either. 

[Amanita]

Here's the letter I sent to Abby:

I read the response you gave to "Sick of ageism", and could only roll my eyes in disbelief. Nothing in that young lady's letter indicated that she dressed in a disturbing or threatening manner, so why is a makeover the only thing you could think of to suggest to her?

I find this advice appalling, especially to a  teenage girl- that she is to dress to please others, and conform to THEIR expectations, instead of dressing in a manner that suits her.

A better course of action would have been to suggest that she and her friends do their level best to fight teen stereotypes through actions instead. Tip servers well- if she and her friends frequent certain places, the servers remember good tippers. Demonstrate courteous behavior, on busses and in other places. Imagine how silly the passengers who stare and hide their begs will feel when the teenagers, even the "odd" looking ones, are first to offer their seats to elderly passengers, or otherwise demonstrate kind behavior?

It's a sad fact that youth face alot of negative PR in the media and otherwise. Makeovers of clothing won't stop that. More youth standing up to stereotypes by demonstrating exemplary behavior just might.

[Brentwood]

Here's the response I was looking for.  I knew as soon as I read that that I couldn't possibly be the only one offended and upset that she had the nerve to blame the girl for people being rude.  I think I might actually sit down to write a letter on that one. 

I guess I'm somewhat masochistic though.  I read Dear Abby every day, and I keep expecting her to get something right.  Also Dear Prudence, although she's at least about 50/50 from what I've seen.  But, I might have missed a couple. 

I stopped reading Prudence when Margo Howard stopped writing it.

[goblue2539]

I think yours is better than mine.  Then again, that might have been a subconscious attempt to not get published.  

I did tell her that I was disappointed in her answer because nothing had indicated that the girl was at fault, and it was unfair to suggest she should change to meet others expectations.  Also added that one bad teen does not make the rest of them problems.  Oh, and I hoped she would reconsider her advice and realize that teens need to know that their behavior and attitudes will represent them far more accurately than their clothes.  Geez, I really wish I'd have copied it.  Next time I'll know better.

[FoxPaws]

I stopped reading Prudence when Margo Howard stopped writing it.

Margo Howard now has a column under her own name at Yahoo.com on Thursdays and Fridays.

I wish it came out more often, but maybe the reason her advice is sound is that she thinks before she just spits out an answer.

[Alida]

Thanks:) I'm thinking of joining the Rebel Legion with my Jedi costume, and I'm so glad I learned to sew- I can make alot of my own non-mundane stuff now.

Me, too!  I keep going back and forth, though.

I go out in my Jedi garb quite often with friends (I have a kicking set of battle armor that was made for me, as well as more traditional robes).  In DC, we had someone actually ask us if we were some kind of new religion. In NYC, we mostly get ignored, except by tourists.

[Amanita]

Nice work- I like the blue and green robes- they really stand out.
I've had a couple of people mistake me for a nun or other religious order when I've worn my robes out. But other than that, it's mainly compliments, and tourists wanting pics of us posing- I'm not the only one in costume. I've got another Jedi friend who I made a complete outfit for, in green and brown. And two others who are huge "Cats" fans, and dress the part.

[Stanwyck]

Years ago I worked with a woman who used to be a server at a fairly nice steak house.  After relating a story about what awful service my friends and I received at that same restaurant, my coworker said that she didn't blame the server.  Because it is well known that young people are all lousy tippers.   She especially hated to wait on teens (this restaurant was a popular before-prom dinner spot) because they tended to order the cheapest things on the menu and they didn't drink alcohol so they didn't deserve good service because the tip would be low.  No, I don't get it either.

Interestingly, the version of this column on the Chicago Tribune website doesn't have the final paragraph about the makeover.

[HogwartsAlum]

Is Dear Abby still written by an old windbag with a bad hairdo, or is "she" an anonymous consortium these days?

The current Dear Abby is the daughter of the late original. From the blurb on her webpage:

Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated column in the world -- known for its uncommon common sense and youthful perspective.

So I guess the answer is that it's written by a new windbag with a bad hairdo.

Seems she didn't learn much from her mother...*sigh*  I liked Abby but the new one is an idiot.