Author Topic: no gift...  (Read 10183 times)

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Jenny13

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no gift...
« on: January 08, 2013, 02:08:02 PM »
I'm the oldest grandchild on my mothers side of the family.  I have always been fairly close to my grandmother and always got gifts for my birthday and Christmas, ect.  I got married in 2010 so when my birthday came around in September, I received a birthday card but my usual gift card was not enclosed.  My mother told me that my grandmother had decided to eliminate a birthday gift as I had gotten married...although I found it a bit odd, I figured ok, she is no way obligated to give me a gift and I got over it.  Time went on and I had a baby in November 2011. My Grandmother explained that she was no longer going to give my dh and I a gift any longer as she would be buying for my son (her first great grandson).  Perfectly fine, he got "elf on the shelf" that of which we wanted to get anyway :)  This year being my son's first birthday he got a cute gift from her and I sent her a thank you card and an email thanking her.  Christmas comes, she sends a Christmas card and no gift for my son........  I'm hurt, why didn't she buy for him? I'm fine with her not getting my dh or I anything but I thought the whole reason for not buying for me anymore was because she was going to buy for him.  It's not about the gift, it's the fact that my son appears to be just cut off with no reason what so ever.  I sent a thank you card and an email....maybe 3 weeks after his birthday, but with a 1 year old and many notes to write, I got side tracked. Please don't think I'm greedy...just hurt and wondering what others thoughts are.
« Last Edit: January 08, 2013, 02:10:43 PM by Jenny13 »
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Lynn2000

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2013, 03:02:48 PM »
My first suggestion is to ask around your family--like your mom, someone discreet--and see if anything has changed in Grandma's situation lately. Maybe her income is drying up, she's been ill, she's becoming forgetful, etc.. It doesn't sound like you've done anything to alienate her (like not sending TY notes), so perhaps it doesn't really have anything to do with you personally.

Second, you said your son was born in November. Is it possible Grandma meant the birthday gift to also be a Christmas gift? If she's tightening her belt due to economic factors, she may have decided to just combine the holidays.

Third, you said she sent a Christmas card in 2012, so personally I don't see that as anyone being cut off. Do you have an otherwise good relationship with her--phone calls, emails, visits, etc.? It may just be that for whatever reason (again, nothing to do with you personally) she's decided to cut down on gifts altogether, without severing any relationships.

I think it's understandable to be hurt and confused, but to me it seems like there could be several explanations that aren't meant to be personally hurtful, so I think I would look into those first.
~Lynn2000

Deetee

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #2 on: January 08, 2013, 03:23:47 PM »

First, your son hasn't been cut-off. You were sent a card and a gift for his birthday and a card on Christmas. The elf on the shelf is a Christmassy type gift so she may have felt that covered both. (My daughter's birthday is near Christmas. Some people give her one gift around then without specifying what event it is for).

It sounds like you are equating the gift-giving from your grandmother with her affection. That's a bit odd to me so I am wondering what the rest of your relationship is like. You said you are close. When did you last visit with her or talk with her. How did she sound. What did you discuss?  Also, do you get gifts for your grandmother on Christmas and her birthday? Did she acknowledge those?

I'm not sure why you not getting gifts anymore is even mentioned. But I know I may be a little odd in my level of not keeping track of gifts. A few months ago my mom mentioned that she bought gifts for my sisters (we are all in our 30's) this year so she would get me something for Christmas. Then she mentioned that she she had stopped giving gifts to us older sisters as we had kids. She said she stopped a few years ago. I was surprised as I hadn't noticed.






Hmmmmm

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #3 on: January 08, 2013, 03:28:53 PM »
I agree that it doesn't sound like you or your child have been cut off.  He received a gift in November.

But I do understand being curious about your son not receiving a gift.  When you speak to your Grandmother on the phone, does she seem upset or more distant to you?  If other aspects of your relationship seem fine, I'd let the absence of a gift for your son go. 

She may be thinking that with more great grandkids popping up in years to come that setting a precedent of gifting to each of them every Christmas might be too much for her to handle.  I suspect many Great-Grandparents might decide to gift to their great-grandkids on the child's birthday only. 

SiotehCat

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #4 on: January 08, 2013, 03:33:35 PM »
Did you buy her a present this year?

How many grandchildren does she have?

I don't remember receiving gifts from my great grandparents. She may have chosen to stop at grandchildren.

Jenny13

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #5 on: January 08, 2013, 03:33:59 PM »

First, your son hasn't been cut-off. You were sent a card and a gift for his birthday and a card on Christmas. The elf on the shelf is a Christmassy type gift so she may have felt that covered both. (My daughter's birthday is near Christmas. Some people give her one gift around then without specifying what event it is for).

It sounds like you are equating the gift-giving from your grandmother with her affection. That's a bit odd to me so I am wondering what the rest of your relationship is like. You said you are close. When did you last visit with her or talk with her. How did she sound. What did you discuss?  Also, do you get gifts for your grandmother on Christmas and her birthday? Did she acknowledge those?

I'm not sure why you not getting gifts anymore is even mentioned. But I know I may be a little odd in my level of not keeping track of gifts. A few months ago my mom mentioned that she bought gifts for my sisters (we are all in our 30's) this year so she would get me something for Christmas. Then she mentioned that she she had stopped giving gifts to us older sisters as we had kids. She said she stopped a few years ago. I was surprised as I hadn't noticed.

Thank you for your response.  The elf on the shelf was given to him in 2011 so what I found odd was that she sent nothing for him this Christmas after she specified that she was going to only buy for him.  We are close, but live 8 hours away from each other.  We email frequently but my last email went unanswered....I asked my mom and she along with everyone that normally gets a gift got one..  :-[  She did wait to send my younger sister anything because she did not know what address to send it to, but she made no mention about not sending my little guy anything.  She is well off so it's not a financial issue...I honestly have no other thought other than it somehow has to be personal.  We send her cards every year...
"How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost"?

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

SiotehCat

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #6 on: January 08, 2013, 03:36:37 PM »

First, your son hasn't been cut-off. You were sent a card and a gift for his birthday and a card on Christmas. The elf on the shelf is a Christmassy type gift so she may have felt that covered both. (My daughter's birthday is near Christmas. Some people give her one gift around then without specifying what event it is for).

It sounds like you are equating the gift-giving from your grandmother with her affection. That's a bit odd to me so I am wondering what the rest of your relationship is like. You said you are close. When did you last visit with her or talk with her. How did she sound. What did you discuss?  Also, do you get gifts for your grandmother on Christmas and her birthday? Did she acknowledge those?

I'm not sure why you not getting gifts anymore is even mentioned. But I know I may be a little odd in my level of not keeping track of gifts. A few months ago my mom mentioned that she bought gifts for my sisters (we are all in our 30's) this year so she would get me something for Christmas. Then she mentioned that she she had stopped giving gifts to us older sisters as we had kids. She said she stopped a few years ago. I was surprised as I hadn't noticed.

Thank you for your response.  The elf on the shelf was given to him in 2011 so what I found odd was that she sent nothing for him this Christmas after she specified that she was going to only buy for him.  We are close, but live 8 hours away from each other.  We email frequently but my last email went unanswered....I asked my mom and she along with everyone that normally gets a gift got one..  :-[  She did wait to send my younger sister anything because she did not know what address to send it to, but she made no mention about not sending my little guy anything.  She is well off so it's not a financial issue...I honestly have no other thought other than it somehow has to be personal.  We send her cards every year...

If you send her cards every year and she sent you a card this year, isn't it even?

Jenny13

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #7 on: January 08, 2013, 03:38:45 PM »
Her main theory that she told my mother is that once her grandchildren have babies then they will not receive a gift but rather the child will...I'm okay with that.  I'm 5 years apart from the next grandchild and that person is my younger sister and she wont be having children for a while..I guess I just wish I knew her thought process or she could tell me rather than make me wonder.
"How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost"?

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

Redneck Gravy

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #8 on: January 08, 2013, 03:42:47 PM »
I don't think there is anyway to ask her without it sounding like "gimme"

I would continue the relationship like normal.  Unless she gifts everyone else next year and skips your son - then you might try to find out if you have slighted her in some way.

Jenny13

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #9 on: January 08, 2013, 03:45:35 PM »
I don't think there is anyway to ask her without it sounding like "gimme"

I would continue the relationship like normal.  Unless she gifts everyone else next year and skips your son - then you might try to find out if you have slighted her in some way.

 :D yeah, no plans on asking her......I've just let it simmer! I find it odd she has not answered my email thanking her either.  She hasn't said anything to my mother and I know she has talked to her...I know her well enough to know that this was somehow intentional and the only thing I can possibly think is that she is angry I did not immediately let her know that my son's package had arrived but rather waited a week, but if that's the case seems sort of harsh  ???
"How Many Roads Must A Man Walk Down Before He Admits Hes lost"?

What do you mean, my birth certificate expired?

EMuir

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #10 on: January 08, 2013, 04:24:35 PM »
Is it possible the gift got lost in the mail?

Lynn2000

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #11 on: January 08, 2013, 04:39:57 PM »
Is it possible the gift got lost in the mail?

I was just going to suggest this. Would it be polite if the OP's mother said something like, "Hey, I didn't hear what you got OP's son for Christmas! They enjoyed the Elf on the Shelf so much last year. What did you choose this year?" Then Grandma will either say, "Oh, I got him a train set," and people can go scrambling around trying to figure out what happened to it; or she will say, "Oh, I decided not to get him anything/etc." and then you will know the reason. Would that be too obvious, do you think? With close relatives (like Grandma and her daughter) I personally don't think such a question would be out of line or pushy, especially if gift-giving "rules" are generally discussed (e.g., I'm not getting gifts for you anymore, just for your son).
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Hmmmmm

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #12 on: January 08, 2013, 08:17:17 PM »
OP, I get the idea that a child usually receives a gift from a grandparent but the grandparent doesn't normally recieve a gift (except homemade or purchased by their parents) from the child.  However, you are obviously an adult since you have a child of your own.  I'm honestly curious why you feel it appropriate for you to send a card to your GM but are suprised by the lack of a gift to your child.  Did you send a bday gift to her?

I'm really curious about grandparent gift giving.  All my GPs were gone by the time I was 8. My DH had a GM living when when we were first married.  She'd give us candy and we gave her a small gift of lotion or similar.  Our DD was 2 when she died.  I don't think she gave our DD anything for her first two Xmases. 

For birthdays, she didn't do anything but cards once DH was an adult but we always gave her a small bday gift. 


Lynn2000

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #13 on: January 08, 2013, 08:55:10 PM »
Re: grandparent giving. My experience with this is that my grandparents always had a gift for all of their descendents (and spouses), whether it was a thing or a check or a token little goodie bag. And in turn we always had gifts for the grandparents, either from individuals or a big thing that several people went in on. Whether anyone else exchanged gifts--Aunt Betty to me, or me to Cousin Fred, or Aunt Betty to my mom--tended to vary a lot, and eventually faded away as people got older, moved away, etc..

Up until this moment I have always assumed that if someone wasn't physically present at family Christmas, my grandparents would send their gift to them--either in the mail or through someone else who was going back that way. I guess now that I think about it I have no proof either way...

I'm sure other peoples' experiences vary, though. But for me, on both sides of the family, that was what you could be sure of--Grandma gave to all, and Grandma received from all.  :D
~Lynn2000

johelenc1

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Re: no gift...
« Reply #14 on: January 08, 2013, 09:04:32 PM »
I personally think you are making way too much of this.  If my children didn't receive anything from even their grandparents, I wouldn't think it was because they were mad at us.  I would probably think it was because they correctly (and wisely) decided my kids have more than enough already.

I think it actually sounds like an accidental mistake.  Either the "gift" is lost in the mail or she thinks she sent it and she didn't.

Last year, my girls (twins) received cards for their BD from their great-grandmother.  One had a gold dollar taped inside with a mention of how she thought she remembered us saying how we had another relative who was giving them coins.  The other card did not have a coin.  I was pretty sure she intended each one to have a gold dollar.  But, I decided she probably thought she put one in each card but forgot one or got distracted.  I wasn't about to call her up and say, "hey...where's the gold dollar for my other child?"  Even though I was sure she intended it, it just wasn't that important they each had one. 

Let it go.  It's not a reflection of your grandmother's love for you or your child.