Odd Comment From A FSIL

[m2kbug]

Honestly, from the details about how Clarissa's ring is "easily worth 2-3X the SIL's" and "Clarissa's ring is untreated and natural" it seems like Clarissa might be more the bragging/competitive type than the SIL, so that might be why she's taking the joke too seriously and reading into it motivations that aren't there (I don't see where the SIL actually commented about the cost of Clarissa's ring).

Yes.  I didn't pick up on this one, but the description of the size, cost, value was bothersome to me, I didn't know why.  I think you have a good point. 

[Poppea]

Charles said it was a joke, and I would take it as such.  It wouldn't surprise me for a couple friends/family I know to make such a comment amongst each other.  Normally bringing up the value or cost of any item would be in poor taste and certainly Charles was under no obligation to be sure he didn't out-do someone else's jewelry.

I would go with this idea, until more information presents itself. I guess the phone call was on speaker or Clarissa was on an extension or something, right, so she directly heard Daphne say it? Did Daphne know Clarissa was on the line? I must admit it sounds a little weird to say if she knew Clarissa was there, because it could easily be misinterpreted. But, until Clarissa has more interactions with Daphne, I don't think she can really judge for herself how the comment was meant, and should go with the assumption that everything is cool and she has no need to feel embarrassed/awkward about her ring.

It was on speaker and she knew Clarissa was there.  Clarissa said it didn't sound like a joking voice.  Charles is also known to think the best of other people

[Poppea]

Honestly, from the details about how Clarissa's ring is "easily worth 2-3X the SIL's" and "Clarissa's ring is untreated and natural" it seems like Clarissa might be more the bragging/competitive type than the SIL, so that might be why she's taking the joke too seriously and reading into it motivations that aren't there (I don't see where the SIL actually commented about the cost of Clarissa's ring).

Yes.  I didn't pick up on this one, but the description of the size, cost, value was bothersome to me, I didn't know why.  I think you have a good point.

Clarissa never told me the price, but I know the jeweler they used and know what similar rings cost.  We have had discussions about jewelry before as I have a few colored stone pieces and she had questions about their care and treatment.

I think that asking the size of a stone is the same thing as asking the price.  But, thats just me.  I've never had anyone ask me the size of my ring and would be really taken aback if it happened to me.

[Poppea]

People get really weird about significant jewelry.  My husband gave me a promise ring before we got engaged. He happened to give it to me for Christmas, right around the time his sister's (first) divorce was finalized. When SIL* saw me wearing it, (while visiting a dying relative in the hospital) she told me to move it off of my ring finger.  It wasn't appropriate, she told me, and what would I do when I got my "real" ring?

Then, afterwards she told me that when she saw the ring, before DH gave it to me, she told him to take it back because it was a "green precious stone" and everybody knew that "green precious stones" were her thing.  DH refused, since the stone was my birthstone and she didn't get any input in the decision anyway.

The truth, was that she just didn't want anyone to be wearing anything resembling an engagement ring while she was recently divorced.  So I shrugged, told her I didn't see how my jewelry was her business and turned my attention to the sick relative.

I don't know why people make these strange, awkward statements when other people have made huge life-changing decisions.  It's probably something to do with insecurities, regrets, weather patterns, something.

*Heretofore known as Bad SiL for this and many many escalating incidents of bad behavior.

Wow.  I wonder how far that would extend?  Could cousin's fiances' wear green stones?  Or second cousins?

[CluelessBride]

Honestly, from the details about how Clarissa's ring is "easily worth 2-3X the SIL's" and "Clarissa's ring is untreated and natural" it seems like Clarissa might be more the bragging/competitive type than the SIL, so that might be why she's taking the joke too seriously and reading into it motivations that aren't there (I don't see where the SIL actually commented about the cost of Clarissa's ring).

Yes.  I didn't pick up on this one, but the description of the size, cost, value was bothersome to me, I didn't know why.  I think you have a good point.

Clarissa never told me the price, but I know the jeweler they used and know what similar rings cost.  We have had discussions about jewelry before as I have a few colored stone pieces and she had questions about their care and treatment.

I think that asking the size of a stone is the same thing as asking the price.  But, thats just me.  I've never had anyone ask me the size of my ring and would be really taken aback if it happened to me.

The size of the stone is only a tiny piece of the price, in fact knowing only the size gives you almost no indication of the size. For example, a round 1 carat diamond from Blue Nile can be anywhere from $3k to $25k depending on the cut, clarity and color (http://www.bluenile.com/diamond-search?track=btn1).  But knowing the size can give you a sense for what the ring looks like, just like knowing the shape.  So I wouldn't consider that even in the same ball park as asking what the ring/diamond cost. 

Of course in this case, she didn't ask the size, she just made a comment/joke about it in comparison to her own.

Bottom line here is that assuming Clarissa wants a good relationship with her husbands family she should go along with his claims that this was a joke. If there are future indications of malice, worry about it then. But dwelling on it has the potential to turn into "looking for offense" and becoming a self-fulfilling prophesy.

[weeblewobble]

People get really weird about significant jewelry.  My husband gave me a promise ring before we got engaged. He happened to give it to me for Christmas, right around the time his sister's (first) divorce was finalized. When SIL* saw me wearing it, (while visiting a dying relative in the hospital) she told me to move it off of my ring finger.  It wasn't appropriate, she told me, and what would I do when I got my "real" ring?

Then, afterwards she told me that when she saw the ring, before DH gave it to me, she told him to take it back because it was a "green precious stone" and everybody knew that "green precious stones" were her thing.  DH refused, since the stone was my birthstone and she didn't get any input in the decision anyway.

The truth, was that she just didn't want anyone to be wearing anything resembling an engagement ring while she was recently divorced.  So I shrugged, told her I didn't see how my jewelry was her business and turned my attention to the sick relative.

I don't know why people make these strange, awkward statements when other people have made huge life-changing decisions.  It's probably something to do with insecurities, regrets, weather patterns, something.

*Heretofore known as Bad SiL for this and many many escalating incidents of bad behavior.

Wow.  I wonder how far that would extend?  Could cousin's fiances' wear green stones?  Or second cousins?

No idea.    And honestly, I'd never heard anything about green stones being "her thing."  She never even wore green stone jewelry.  SIL's lifelong habit was to make this sort of "stand" about situations that had nothing to do with her, so instead of the attention being focused on the situation itself, the attention was on SIL's hurt feelings.

This was the first time she'd pulled such a thing on me, though.  For the five years previous I'd been dating her brother, she'd basically ignored me.  Years later, I tease DH that it's his fault that the promise ring "put me on her radar."

[Hmmmmm]

This would be a joke in our family between siblings.  I'm suprised your friend felt there was more to it then a joke between siblings.  We are currently all giving our  DHs grief in a completely joking manor because our nephew gave his fiancée a beautiful custom design ring.  But of course none of us would actual trade our rings for hers. 

***my sister has the most beautiful and sweetest dog ever. Our family joke is that no one is allowed to own a cutter dog because he will always be "People's magazine's Most Sexiest Dog".
I can completely imagine her asking a family member with a new puppy "but it's not cutter than Kujo, is it".

[Roe]

Yeah to me this sounds like a sibling thing, not anything for Clarissa to be concerned over.

Exactly!  Often, the conversations betweens siblings aren't ehell approved!  

Seriously, unless the FSIL is rude to her face, I'd forget about it.  There's no need to create drama without reason.  Your friend needs to take her fiance's lead and follow it in this situation.

[BeagleMommy]

Regardless of the intent, Clarissa should wear her ring proudly.  Sometimes even the tone in which something is said is no indicator of intent.  My brother and I have highly developed senses of snark and sarcasm.  A stranger listening to us would know that we loved each other.

[Mikayla]

It was on speaker and she knew Clarissa was there.  Clarissa said it didn't sound like a joking voice.  Charles is also known to think the best of other people

It sounds to me more like Clarissa may be trying to think the worst of other people!  On the bolded, since she doesn't know Daphne that well, how would she even know what her joking voice sounds like?

I'm someone whose humor is both sarcastic and deadpan.  I can easily see myself saying something like this to my brother in a tone that only close family and friends would recognize as my weird humor. 

So I vote this is most likely sib humor.

[Cat-Fu]

Even if it isn't a joke, it's in Clarissa's best interest to pretend it was (and to continue to pretend it is, if she's asked again). It is much more easy to laugh off an "obvious" joke.

[whatsanenigma]

It was on speaker and she knew Clarissa was there.  Clarissa said it didn't sound like a joking voice.  Charles is also known to think the best of other people

It sounds to me more like Clarissa may be trying to think the worst of other people!  On the bolded, since she doesn't know Daphne that well, how would she even know what her joking voice sounds like?

I wonder if Clarissa has recieved unambiguosly negative comments about her ring from other people, and is therefore somewhat sensitive, and is maybe thinking "the worst" of Daphne because of that, maybe just assuming, without really thinking about why, that Daphne also means to put down the ring or even the whole relationship.

It wouldn't be fair if that is the case-not fair for others to put down anything about Clarissa's relationship or ring, and not fair for Clarissa to jump to any conclusions while hardly knowing Daphne-but it would be totally understandable if Clarissa's sensitive reaction is motivated by this, I think, and I hope that eventually the ice can get broken and she and Daphne can be comfortable together, because, like most posters, I am 99% sure this was just a joke-and even if it wasn't, I agree with the posters who have said it would be best for Clarissa to act as though it were, at least for now, unless/until other evidence turns up.

[mj]

It was on speaker and she knew Clarissa was there.  Clarissa said it didn't sound like a joking voice.  Charles is also known to think the best of other people

It sounds to me more like Clarissa may be trying to think the worst of other people!  On the bolded, since she doesn't know Daphne that well, how would she even know what her joking voice sounds like?

I'm someone whose humor is both sarcastic and deadpan.  I can easily see myself saying something like this to my brother in a tone that only close family and friends would recognize as my weird humor. 

So I vote this is most likely sib humor.

Actually, the bolded is a question I had too.  But with a twist, if Daphne was joking, how would she know Clarissa would get something like that?  I am inclined to believe it was a joke, but it does sound like it's the type of inside joke that a newcomer wouldn't know about. 

As a newcomer, Clarissa doesn't have the benefit of knowing all this.  This is one of her first important interactions with her FSIL.  She is looking for approval, probably not jokes.  No matter how much FSIL and her fiance thinks it's funny.  This reminds me of the people who say something hurtful and then when it's addressed, they proclaim loudly "they were just joking!"  Without regard to the actual person who they made the brunt of their joke.  If Clarissa didn't think it was funny, then it wasn't to her.  The onus isn't just on Clarissa to get to know FSIL, it goes both ways.

And I do agree with the poster who stated that people do act strange around rings.  I've gotten some questionable comments myself and have no idea why.  It makes me wonder why a simple congratulations can't be uttered.

[Mental Magpie]

It was on speaker and she knew Clarissa was there.  Clarissa said it didn't sound like a joking voice.  Charles is also known to think the best of other people

It sounds to me more like Clarissa may be trying to think the worst of other people!  On the bolded, since she doesn't know Daphne that well, how would she even know what her joking voice sounds like?

I'm someone whose humor is both sarcastic and deadpan.  I can easily see myself saying something like this to my brother in a tone that only close family and friends would recognize as my weird humor. 

So I vote this is most likely sib humor.

Actually, the bolded is a question I had too.  But with a twist, if Daphne was joking, how would she know Clarissa would get something like that?  I am inclined to believe it was a joke, but it does sound like it's the type of inside joke that a newcomer wouldn't know about. 

As a newcomer, Clarissa doesn't have the benefit of knowing all this.  This is one of her first important interactions with her FSIL.  She is looking for approval, probably not jokes.  No matter how much FSIL and her fiance thinks it's funny.  This reminds me of the people who say something hurtful and then when it's addressed, they proclaim loudly "they were just joking!"  Without regard to the actual person who they made the brunt of their joke.  If Clarissa didn't think it was funny, then it wasn't to her.  The onus isn't just on Clarissa to get to know FSIL, it goes both ways.

And I do agree with the poster who stated that people do act strange around rings.  I've gotten some questionable comments myself and have no idea why.  It makes me wonder why a simple congratulations can't be uttered.

I once said something I thought was pretty funny in front of my sister's in-laws.  The Stork (my mom) also thought it was pretty funny; even my brother in law laughed at it.  My sister?  She later went off the handle on me for embarrassing her because her in-laws just didn't know my sense of humor and how dare I say something like that?!  That someone may not get my sense of humor never crossed my mind before I said it because it was a knee-jerk response.  I can't fault Daphne for following her own sense of humor.

[Mental Magpie]

WoW!   

Rude, joking or not.

I fully disagree.  A lot of things that are jokes between close people would be rude if those people weren't close and didn't know it was a joke.  That doesn't make those things automatically rude; there is no blanket statement for that.



OP, it seems like Clarissa is too focused on the size/cost of rings and that Daphne was joking with her brother.  Even if it wasn't a joke, until Clarissa has other evidence of similar behavior from her FSIL, she needs to let this one go and just follow her fiance's lead.  Why would he lie to her about something as simple as that?