Public Marriage Proposals

[blarg314]

It wasn't a marriage proposal, but I got quite publicly asked out by a young man I had no interest in, and the public fallout was he was comforted and I was branded heartless to have refused his grand romantic gesture.  I guess that's another for the list of 'why I hate rom coms'.

I've heard of this at the high-school level, with prom type invitations. Guy does a fancy invitation with balloons, etc, in public. Girl is then branded a heartless $#@% if she says no, even if she has no interest in the guy and has never expressed interest in him. On the other hand, some other girls are demanding the fancy invitation as a pre-requesite for the date.

So you've got manipulative guys who are using the giant public invitation to coerce girls into going out with them, girls who are being told that it's their duty to go out with a guy if he spends money and effort on the invitation, even if they don't like him, plus the nice guys who feel pressured into doing a big public hoopla to buy a chance at a date with a girl they like.

[ilrag]

I'm mulling over a semi-public proposal. It's semi-public in that we are going to Disneyworld (which is a very special place for her), and we are going to see the Fantasmic show, so I'm planning on doing it then (just get down on one knee, not anything to put the spotlight on us).  However,  we've talked about marriage, and even looked at rings so I'd know what she likes.  I don't think it's a look at me moment, but I hope it will help give her a story she'll cherish.

Not during the show thought, right? Before or after? That would be really distracting during the show.

[illini]

I'm mulling over a semi-public proposal. It's semi-public in that we are going to Disneyworld (which is a very special place for her), and we are going to see the Fantasmic show, so I'm planning on doing it then (just get down on one knee, not anything to put the spotlight on us).  However,  we've talked about marriage, and even looked at rings so I'd know what she likes.  I don't think it's a look at me moment, but I hope it will help give her a story she'll cherish.

Not during the show thought, right? Before or after? That would be really distracting during the show.

Yea, I figure right after. 

[Sophia]

My husband consulted pretty much all my family and friends on how he should propose.  He said many of the females seemed to give answers on what they would like, mostly of the very public variety.  Which he knew is the opposite of me. 

[Yvaine]

I'm mulling over a semi-public proposal. It's semi-public in that we are going to Disneyworld (which is a very special place for her), and we are going to see the Fantasmic show, so I'm planning on doing it then (just get down on one knee, not anything to put the spotlight on us).  However,  we've talked about marriage, and even looked at rings so I'd know what she likes.  I don't think it's a look at me moment, but I hope it will help give her a story she'll cherish.

Not during the show thought, right? Before or after? That would be really distracting during the show.

It's a fireworks show that plays out over a big chunk of the park, not something like a stage play where people should listen quietly, so I think illini is probably fine either way. I think proposing during a fireworks show sounds cute--at least as long as she can hear the proposal.   I suppose, just based on that, it might be worth it to wait till after!

[Winterlight]

I think if a person feels a "no," then they should say no. Public humiliation is the risk you take with a public proposal.

The problem is the humiliation tends to be on both sides, and only one side consented to it being public.

It wasn't a marriage proposal, but I got quite publicly asked out by a young man I had no interest in, and the public fallout was he was comforted and I was branded heartless to have refused his grand romantic gesture.  I guess that's another for the list of 'why I hate rom coms'.

Exactly. I'd be horribly uncomfortable that all these people were suddenly looking at me- it's not like I volunteered for this!

[WillyNilly]

The problem is the humiliation tends to be on both sides, and only one side consented to it being public.

While the humiliation factor might just be limited to two people, the awkward intimacy factor is also extended to the public, who have also not consented. This is cruel to do to your intended, but even more so to the hapless folks you rope in as an audience without their expressed interest.

[Cat-Fu]

I don't particularly care for public proposals personally but I like watching other people's. If people don't like to watch them, no one is forcing them to look.

I've been proposed to in public and I said no. It was not pleasant but I didn't really see the point in lying so that the asker would feel better about himself. Honestly, it would have been just as unpleasant had he asked in private because the answer would have been the same and then I would have had to deal with his histrionics. I didn't get much negative feedback for it so perhaps I am lucky in that way.

[Mental Magpie]

I proposed to Eagle in front of about 15 people.  I knew he was going to say yes, so I didn't make it overly romantic or sappy.  In fact, I made it kind of funny and something he would be excited to share with people (season tickets to his favorite college team instead of a ring).  Everyone but Eagle knew it was going to happen and kept asking when it was going to happen.  They were all excited for us.  I knew he wouldn't mind it being semi-public (I say semi because we were not in front of thousands of strangers) and I knew he was going to say yes.

Oh, did I mention I did it the night before my best friend got married?  It was her idea.

[Twirly]

Man I would have LOVED a big public proposal, what can I say I do not shy away from a spectacle haha. However I was already an avid ehell lurker prior to my engagement and had been surprised to hear some people really, really hate just being around such things. Never wanting to be rude I asked my beloved to keep it private when the time came. Not as much fun for us but at least we didn't offend anyone.

[Tiamet]

I think one of two things is going on with a big public proposal.  One is that the couple know each other really well and the proposer knows that the proposee will love the attention and will say yes (which is obviously what should be the case).

The alternative is that the person making the proposal is trying to emotionally blackmail the other person into saying yes, in which case he (going with gender stereotyping) deserves what he gets.

I think I would still say yes and then go back on it later in the second case.  I hate big public scenes.  I agree it is crueler to say yes and then take it back, but if someone did this to me then I think they deserve that in exchange for me being far more comfortable in saying 'no' in private.

[Shea]

I think it depends on the couple, particularly the person being proposed to. If the couple has previously discussed marriage (i.e., the proposal isn't just coming as a total surprise to the party being proposed to), and the proposer knows that the proposee is a) certain or very nearly certain to say yes and b) that the proposee enjoys being the center of attention and would not be embarrassed (or would be pleasantly so), then I think it's fine. Of course, the final caveat should be that the proposal should not distract from anything else major going on. A big public proposal should not happen during, say, a theatrical performance or a concert, and it really, really should not happen during something like a wedding reception, baby shower, or bar/bat mitzvah party. Don't take away the spotlight from the person or people being celebrated on that day.

Personally, I would hate a public proposal. I hate drawing attention to myself in public, and would be unable to enjoy the moment for the embarrassment. If BF tried something like that, he would be in very major trouble. Fortunately, that is not either of our style.

[Allyson]

I'm one who would be really uncomfortable by this happening near me. I don't think it's necessarily always rude but I personally would twitch. And I make it pretty clear that any sort of spectacle directed at me would not have the desired outcome!

I do think it's rude and a bad idea to publicly propose to someone if you aren't absolutely *sure* that they will say yes, as in have talked about marriage and the proposal is just a formality.

[LadyR]

Most of my friends were aware their proposal were coming, so I think that in most cases if the answer was going to be no, discouragment could be done in advance. I don't know any of truly surprise proposals, but if I was going to say no, I'd do it right away and probably feel horrible.

[illini]

I'm mulling over a semi-public proposal. It's semi-public in that we are going to Disneyworld (which is a very special place for her), and we are going to see the Fantasmic show, so I'm planning on doing it then (just get down on one knee, not anything to put the spotlight on us).  However,  we've talked about marriage, and even looked at rings so I'd know what she likes.  I don't think it's a look at me moment, but I hope it will help give her a story she'll cherish.

Not during the show thought, right? Before or after? That would be really distracting during the show.

It's a fireworks show that plays out over a big chunk of the park, not something like a stage play where people should listen quietly, so I think illini is probably fine either way. I think proposing during a fireworks show sounds cute--at least as long as she can hear the proposal.   I suppose, just based on that, it might be worth it to wait till after!

So about 2 days before leaving, I found out that Fantasmic is actually in a big stadium type thing with bleacher seating, not at all what I was picturing (and it would have totally distracted others as well as been much more of a spectacle then I wanted).  Alls well though, I snuck a bottle of champagne out to the beach (thanks to help from the concierge & gift shop attendant) one night and insisted we go out there.  A bonus was that right after she said yes, fireworks started across the water (which I had no about).  So we got a nice private proposal and fireworks :-D.