Poll

What should a person do if proposed to in public and the answer is "No"?

Refuse Immediately in Public
108 (52.7%)
Accept in Public and Refuse at the earliest opportunity in private
50 (24.4%)
Other (Please Explain)
47 (22.9%)

Total Members Voted: 205

Author Topic: Public Marriage Proposals  (Read 20957 times)

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Palladium

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #75 on: April 18, 2013, 03:20:40 AM »
Shelley rocks!

I really don't like public proposals either, its so unfair. My view is that the proposee has to be able to say no if that's their honest answer. My DH agrees, although his opinion is that you should never propose unless you are absolutely, 100% sure that the answer will be yes.

In the end I got a semi-public proposal (we were on a cave tour, with about 20 other people, and the guide was in on it), but since we had been talking about getting engaged for a few months by then and had discussed rings, he knew what the answer would be.  :)

Iris

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #76 on: April 18, 2013, 04:10:47 AM »
Yay Shelley!

I have to say I cannot even *imagine* someone saying "You're being a B****" to my daughter and me going "Oh, marry him anyway". It would take all my self restraint not to reply with "Then dump him now. Why haven't you dumped him yet? Do you need to use my phone?" I would rather go without grandchildren altogether than have anyone treat my daughter like that even for one day. Shelley's mother is either completely one eyed or very toxic and probably doesn't deserve such an awesome daughter.

Also, thanks for introducing me to Captain Awkward. Lucky I'm on holidays :)
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Twik

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #77 on: April 18, 2013, 09:13:37 AM »
But Shelley said no.  She said that when she thought about being married to Darryl, her entire body went ice cold and she felt like throwing up. 

Pretty good signs, actually, that a wedding should not be in the offing.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

weeblewobble

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #78 on: April 18, 2013, 10:46:07 AM »
Yay Shelley!

I have to say I cannot even *imagine* someone saying "You're being a B****" to my daughter and me going "Oh, marry him anyway". It would take all my self restraint not to reply with "Then dump him now. Why haven't you dumped him yet? Do you need to use my phone?" I would rather go without grandchildren altogether than have anyone treat my daughter like that even for one day. Shelley's mother is either completely one eyed or very toxic and probably doesn't deserve such an awesome daughter.

He is/was smart enough not to call her the B-word in front of her friends and family.  They went to a bedroom to talk and that's where he did it.  Though the way he did talk to her in front of us was bad enough.  Every story and statement had some negative connotation about Shelley. Even my husband noticed and he doesn't usually pick up on things like that.

The thing is I honestly don't think Shelley's mom cares whether she is happy.  She's very much about appearances. And she is way less concerned about Shelley finding a partner in life and more concerned with what the ladies at her church think.  She has said it's embarrassing for her that all of her friends' daughters are married and hers is not.

FTR, Shelley's mom and I have never gotten along, because ever since we were kids, I have encouraged Shelley to be "defiant and rebellious" in mom's view by telling Shelley she should choose her own college, her own career path, and not to put up with BS in the name of keeping the peace with her mom. At the time, my mom and her mom worked together and she actually went to my mom to complain about me encouraging Shelley to think for herself! 

Shelley's mom ran down a list of Shelley's "faults" like having a larger, curvier frame than her mother, being too stubborn (thinking for herself), and not accepting dates with boys just because she didn't happen to like them. (Like that has anything to do with it!) She said my mom and I should be helping her improve Shelley, not interfering.  Mom ADORED Shelley (still does) and told Shelley's mom in no uncertain terms to pull her head out of her rear quarters. "You have a beautiful, kind, intelligent daughter who makes good grades, has never gotten into trouble, has great friends who love her and wants to go into a career where she can help people. How on earth do you think you could improve on that?"

Shelley's mom said my mom wouldn't understand, because my mom didn't care how I turned out.  ::)
Well, I turned out enjoying my mom's company and voluntarily spending time with her, Shelley not so much.
« Last Edit: April 18, 2013, 11:00:01 AM by weeblewobble »

Kariachi

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #79 on: April 18, 2013, 11:15:56 AM »
Shelley's mom said my mom wouldn't understand, because my mom didn't care how I turned out.

"And that's when I killed her, Your Honor."
"Case dismissed!"
"Heh. Forgive our manners, little creature — that we may well kill and eat you is no excuse for rudeness."

Minmom3

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #80 on: April 18, 2013, 02:30:40 PM »
Shelley's Mom is a Nasty Woman.  Hope Shelley can successfully detach enough to see and hear less of her.
Mother to children and fuzz butts....

Iris

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #81 on: April 18, 2013, 08:05:30 PM »
Shelley's mom said my mom wouldn't understand, because my mom didn't care how I turned out.

"And that's when I killed her, Your Honor."
"Case dismissed!"

Not a jury in the world...

I'm afraid I'm a slacker like weeblewobble's mum - I don't mind if the other parents are impressed by my kids. I know they're great. Although if I had to list how my daughters turned out "Not a victim of emotional abuse" would be near the top...
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Iris

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #82 on: April 18, 2013, 08:14:48 PM »
Back on topic though. When I was a hopelessly awkward teenager I had a crush on another hopelessly awkward teenager. We were good friends but secretly I *yearned* for more, as only a 15 year old can yearn. Anyway, one day when we were all (about 15 of us in our group) horsing around he made a joke about asking me out. Great. Going out with me is a matter for joking...message received. So I made an equally joking response (along the lines of "As if...")

Years and years later I found out via my brother, who'd caught up with this guy for dinner that that in fact had been his attempt to get romantic with me*. In a joking way, in front of allllllllll our friends. And he was still vaguely hurt at my cruel rejection. For Pete's sake.  ::)

Anyway, it all turned out for the best as we are still friends, but looking at how each of us have developed and life choices we have made there's not a chance we would have made it as a couple.



*side note: How the heck did that even come up 10 -15 years after the fact? I'm still boggled by that. Especially considering his now WIFE was at that dinner. Either that dinner party was way too boring or way too interesting.
"Can't do anything with children, can you?" the woman said.

Poirot thought you could, but forebore to say so.

Calypso

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #83 on: April 18, 2013, 08:20:26 PM »
I wish I could think you're making up Shelley's mom, but I unfortunately know someone like that... :P
(BTW, Shelley RAWKS!!!!)

I once witnessed a semi-public proposal that should not have happened, and the propose-ee's gentlemanly response to it.

Semi-annual poetry party. Probably about 30 people there, each taking turns reading their work. (Background that will be relevant in a minute: lots of pagans present). Anyway, one young lady reads her piece, very nice, and then at the end out of nowhere concludes her opus with "and so," ....and she gets up, goes down on one knee before one of the men present, and asks him to marry her.

Clearly, he wasn't expecting anything of the kind.
Awkward!
Thinking fast, however, he said (very poetically  8) ) "I'll give you my answer when next the moon is full."
Awkward moment passed! (needless to say, the answer was "no." But it spared her having to hear it in front of everyone. I don't think she was trying to manipulate him, really---I think she had a script in her head and it didn't match reality very well.)

Lynn2000

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #84 on: April 19, 2013, 05:56:51 PM »
Seems like this is the time of year for public "will you go with me to the Prom" proposals, like a boy who serenades a girl in the school hallway with his friends as back-up singers or something like that. There always seems to be one of those in the "human interest" segment of the news, complete with video. I can't help but think how vilified the girl would be for turning him down after that--not just within their school, but sometimes nationally, if the video went viral! :(

Those actually bother me more than the marriage proposals. I feel like most people can understand turning down a marriage proposal if it doesn't feel right to you, but because there's less at stake with a date, even to Prom, it seems like people think the askee just ought to say yes for the effort, because it's only one date. What if they've already promised to go with someone else, or the asker creeps them out or something? Of course the askee should make the best decision for themselves regardless of what others will think, but it bothers me that they could get labeled as poor sports or something for that.
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Winterlight

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #85 on: April 19, 2013, 08:11:03 PM »
I agree, Lynn. I don't approve of putting people on the spot in the first place, and a situation that has the potential to make someone seem like the  bad guy because they don't want to go to prom with you is mean.

It's partly why I hate seeing people post videos asking celebrities out.
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JacklynHyde

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #86 on: April 21, 2013, 12:41:52 PM »
There was a proposal at the prom I chaperoned last night.  She said yes because they had been discussing getting engaged, but she admitted being surprised.  The assistant principal wasn't annoyed at the attention the boy had taken away from the rest of the prom, but he was gravely concerned that the girl's father might not have given his blessing in advance.  There are so many levels of etiquette in these matters.

Twik

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #87 on: April 21, 2013, 12:51:20 PM »
Although if I had to list how my daughters turned out "Not a victim of emotional abuse" would be near the top...

It's amazing how many parents do NOT include this particularly important goal in their own lists.
My cousin's memoir of love and loneliness while raising a child with multiple disabilities will be out on Amazon soon! Know the Night, by Maria Mutch, has been called "full of hope, light, and companionship for surviving the small hours of the night."

SpikeMichigan

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #88 on: April 21, 2013, 06:39:46 PM »


 They can be nice , but like people have said, probably shouldn't be a surprise.

 Question though, is there a danger that 'discussing' marriage in a couple could be misinterpreted as a proposal? I've never been near the situation, so I wouldnt know. But it would suck to have your romantic proposal taken away.

 As for the captive audience thing, I really don't get it, but to each their own, I guess.

TeamBhakta

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #89 on: April 21, 2013, 07:19:39 PM »
I think one of two things is going on with a big public proposal.  One is that the couple know each other really well and the proposer knows that the proposee will love the attention and will say yes (which is obviously what should be the case).

The alternative is that the person making the proposal is trying to emotionally blackmail the other person into saying yes, in which case he (going with gender stereotyping) deserves what he gets.

I think I would still say yes and then go back on it later in the second case. I hate big public scenes.  I agree it is crueler to say yes and then take it back, but if someone did this to me then I think they deserve that in exchange for me being far more comfortable in saying 'no' in private.

What happens, though, if the proposer (or his friends / family around you) exclaims "Yay, now let's get on the phone and tell everyone the good news! Here, tell Mum and Dad the swell news!" You (general you) have backed yourself further into a corner. Better to rip the bandaid off right then with "Sorry, no" or "Um, let's go somewhere else ASAP and talk (so I can say no without public drama)"