Poll

What should a person do if proposed to in public and the answer is "No"?

Refuse Immediately in Public
108 (52.7%)
Accept in Public and Refuse at the earliest opportunity in private
50 (24.4%)
Other (Please Explain)
47 (22.9%)

Total Members Voted: 205

Author Topic: Public Marriage Proposals  (Read 18353 times)

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Twik

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #105 on: April 23, 2013, 09:57:27 AM »
SpikeMilligan - of course, everyone is entitled to their own preferences!

My own preference would be to avoid flowers, down-on-one-knee, all that stuff. I'd consider the perfect proposal to be something like, in the middle of moving furniture, have someone say, "What about getting married sometime?" To me, that would be incredibly romantic, but I'm sure a lot of people don't share the feeling.
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Lynn2000

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #106 on: April 23, 2013, 11:10:55 AM »
I would agree that if there hasn't been an explicit "let's get married" or "will you marry me?" from one and a yes from the other, the two people aren't engaged.

What seems weird to me is when Alice and Bob have had that discussion and agreed to get married, and have told other people that they are planning to marry each other, and then Alice (or Bob) says something like "we're still planning when/how he's going to propose to me," meaning "when we are going to do this particular shape of sentimental." If Alice and Bob have had that discussion and not told anyone, that's a gray area, and it's their relationship, not mine. If you are both telling people that you have agreed to get married, it seems odd to also be talking about the "proposal," so called, as an event that will happen at an indeterminate future date.

It seems weird to me, too. For example, a friend of mine and her BF had many serious discussions about marriage, agreed that marriage to each other was the next step in their relationship, began plotting out a timeline and other plans for the wedding, and went shopping together and purchased rings (and told me, and other people, about all of this). But, she did not consider that they were actually engaged to be married, because he had not yet made an official proposal in which he presented her with the ring and asked her to marry him, as part of a planned evening with dinner at a nice restaurant, etc.. And then after that happened they called everyone and announced that they were engaged. (And I have to admit I was like, "Oh, that's great. But I thought you already were? You asked me to be a bridesmaid the other day..."  ???)

Honestly, it doesn't matter to me either way, because it's not like her attitude is hurting anyone else. I just don't personally share it. I'm pretty low-key about some things and if I couldn't pinpoint the exact date and time that I "became engaged," because it happened at some point in between agreeing it was the next step and actually starting to make a wedding a reality, that would be fine with me. If the person I had agreed to marry started making noise about how we "weren't really engaged yet," I would be looking at them nervously and saying, "Wait a second, are we getting married or not? I thought we agreed? I've been writing out guest lists and looking up 'change of marital status' forms at work! Am I jumping the gun here?" And if they said they wanted to have a big proposal "moment" I have to admit I would think they were being kind of silly. But, that's probably unlikely to happen, just because if we were getting married, we would hopefully know each other better than that, and be on the same page about such things.

But like I said, it really doesn't affect anyone else (unless the couple is roping in unwilling third parties or something), so neither attitude is rude. But, to go back to the original subject of the thread, my opinion on this is why I personally don't find (other people's) public marriage proposals to be especially enjoyable to witness. I wouldn't ask any third party to not do one if they both wanted to, or rudely interrupt them somehow, but I would be one of the people quietly walking on by, not part of the crowd standing there watching and applauding.
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WillyNilly

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #107 on: April 23, 2013, 11:11:58 AM »
Quote
  I always think its weird when I read in posts that if a couple is seriously discussing marriage 'they are already engaged' (usually followed by 'why do they need a ring' or 'a proposal isn't necessary'). Seriously discussing, and even know the plan is for it to happen someday, does not mean a couple is engaged - discussing a plan and implementing a plan are two separate stages of being.

   That's exactly what inspired my question! I encountered a few posts opining that a couple who have agreed that they will one day marry are already engaged and there is 'no need' for a proposal. The combination of 'every couple should discuss marriage seriously', with 'when they agree marriage is the next step, they are engaged' pretty much kills the very concept of the proposal event, which I think is a shame, because I think proposals have a certain charm to them, and are often a great story.

 Perhaps its my masculine pride rearing its head, but I would greatly resent being deprived of the chance to execute my (entirely hypothetical) ultimate romantic proposal.

Even if that is taken away by her proposing to you?

Honestly, yes. I was discussing this with friends the other day. I would hate to be proposed to for that exact reason. Not necessarily that it 'must be the mans job' - if the girl proposing works for other couples, more power to them. But me personally? I can't say it wouldn't bother me. And I really can't articulate why. I just really would want to orchestrate the proposal. Hopefully, if (a big if) the situation seems remotely likely to be impending, the lady in question would know well in advance of my feelings.

 I really hope I'm not perceived as sexist. Or if I am, that people would understand that this is a one-off view I can't help.

I think that makes sense. I think my DH would have been very upset on several levels if I'd proposed to him. And once one is engaged and planning and even on the wedding day itself it becomes clear to me why proposing should be left for the man - so much of the wedding hoopla is about the bride. The pre-parties are mostly about the bride (even the bachelor party usually has to consider the bride's feelings on some 'traditional bachelor party' activities!), the big deal is made about the bride's attire, the MOB traditionally gets to pick her dress first, the MOG then follows suit, the photographer more follows the bride, bride, bride, bride, etc.

The proposal is the time when the groom gets to really shine and be the star of the story, if not the show. Because even after the proposal its the bride who wears the ring, and often if the one who is asked about the proposal. But at least when she is asked, her story is all about the groom, what he did, how he did it, didn't he pick a lovely ring, he knew just what she wanted, etc.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2013, 11:15:51 AM by WillyNilly »

Mental Magpie

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #108 on: April 23, 2013, 11:28:32 AM »
Then I get the Eagle and I are just weird... :P  He is getting an engagement ring and a separate wedding band, but so am I; and I won't be wearing either ring on my left hand ring finger as one will be on my left middle finger and the other on my right middle finger.  We agreed the wedding was about US and what WE wanted.  My mom already said she was wearing a tuxedo and we think it's a grand idea; so yeah, she got to choose first, but the MOG will get to pick out her dress first (and I admit, I'd never heard that before now). 
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Lynn2000

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #109 on: April 23, 2013, 11:43:19 AM »
I think that makes sense. I think my DH would have been very upset on several levels if I'd proposed to him. And once one is engaged and planning and even on the wedding day itself it becomes clear to me why proposing should be left for the man - so much of the wedding hoopla is about the bride. The pre-parties are mostly about the bride (even the bachelor party usually has to consider the bride's feelings on some 'traditional bachelor party' activities!), the big deal is made about the bride's attire, the MOB traditionally gets to pick her dress first, the MOG then follows suit, the photographer more follows the bride, bride, bride, bride, etc.

The proposal is the time when the groom gets to really shine and be the star of the story, if not the show. Because even after the proposal its the bride who wears the ring, and often if the one who is asked about the proposal. But at least when she is asked, her story is all about the groom, what he did, how he did it, didn't he pick a lovely ring, he knew just what she wanted, etc.

That's a nice way of looking at it that works well for some people. I really mean that. But, for other couples, neither one wants to be the "star" at all, you know? Personally I would want to have a very small, casual wedding because I abhor being the center of attention, especially in a large group. My SO is only hypothetical and future, but it's not a stretch to imagine they might feel the same way. People might be disappointed that I didn't have a proposal story to share with them (or possibly even an engagement ring, I'm ambivalent about them), but that would be fine with me, if *I* had gotten the type of "proposal" (discussion and mutual agreement) that *I* wanted. I don't even really like the idea of our relationship/wedding being a "story" or "show" for other people, though pragmatically I understand it would be in some sense, just due to the linear nature of life.

Sorry, not trying to be argumentative or anything, just presenting multiple viewpoints. :)
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WillyNilly

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #110 on: April 23, 2013, 12:03:42 PM »
To a great extent though, the bride doesn't get too much of a say in being pushed into the spotlight. I certainly didn't take that position willingly. My husband is a performer. I am more a producer. But other people (family, friends, vendors, etc) focused on bride, bride, bride. Sure to a certain extent you can push back and say "no, not me, not bride, us, couple" but its definitely an uphill battle. A winnable battle but not an effort to be dismissed.

ilrag

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #111 on: April 23, 2013, 03:13:41 PM »
SpikeMilligan - of course, everyone is entitled to their own preferences!

My own preference would be to avoid flowers, down-on-one-knee, all that stuff. I'd consider the perfect proposal to be something like, in the middle of moving furniture, have someone say, "What about getting married sometime?" To me, that would be incredibly romantic, but I'm sure a lot of people don't share the feeling.

That's basically what went down with my husband, except sub in "driving to do boring errands" for "moving". He's the best.   :D

TeamBhakta

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #112 on: April 23, 2013, 07:04:53 PM »
Quote
  I always think its weird when I read in posts that if a couple is seriously discussing marriage 'they are already engaged' (usually followed by 'why do they need a ring' or 'a proposal isn't necessary'). Seriously discussing, and even know the plan is for it to happen someday, does not mean a couple is engaged - discussing a plan and implementing a plan are two separate stages of being.

   That's exactly what inspired my question! I encountered a few posts opining that a couple who have agreed that they will one day marry are already engaged and there is 'no need' for a proposal. The combination of 'every couple should discuss marriage seriously', with 'when they agree marriage is the next step, they are engaged' pretty much kills the very concept of the proposal event, which I think is a shame, because I think proposals have a certain charm to them, and are often a great story.

 Perhaps its my masculine pride rearing its head, but I would greatly resent being deprived of the chance to execute my (entirely hypothetical) ultimate romantic proposal.

Even if that is taken away by her proposing to you?

Honestly, yes. I was discussing this with friends the other day. I would hate to be proposed to for that exact reason. Not necessarily that it 'must be the mans job' - if the girl proposing works for other couples, more power to them. But me personally? I can't say it wouldn't bother me. And I really can't articulate why. I just really would want to orchestrate the proposal. Hopefully, if (a big if) the situation seems remotely likely to be impending, the lady in question would know well in advance of my feelings.

 I really hope I'm not perceived as sexist. Or if I am, that people would understand that this is a one-off view I can't help.

I think that makes sense. I think my DH would have been very upset on several levels if I'd proposed to him. And once one is engaged and planning and even on the wedding day itself it becomes clear to me why proposing should be left for the man - so much of the wedding hoopla is about the bride. The pre-parties are mostly about the bride (even the bachelor party usually has to consider the bride's feelings on some 'traditional bachelor party' activities!), the big deal is made about the bride's attire, the MOB traditionally gets to pick her dress first, the MOG then follows suit, the photographer more follows the bride, bride, bride, bride, etc.

The proposal is the time when the groom gets to really shine and be the star of the story, if not the show. Because even after the proposal its the bride who wears the ring, and often if the one who is asked about the proposal. But at least when she is asked, her story is all about the groom, what he did, how he did it, didn't he pick a lovely ring, he knew just what she wanted, etc.

It's the opposite for me. I refuse to date anyone who would be bothered by me proposing. I figure if (general) he isn't okay with that, he's not going to be okay with my other crunchy / feminist / offbeat life choices. I was the one who proposed to BhaktaBoy (a boyfriend I just recently broke up with). People were never rude or disappointed to hear our engagement story IRL and he was rather proud when we told it.
« Last Edit: April 23, 2013, 07:07:13 PM by TeamBhakta »

Sophia

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #113 on: April 24, 2013, 01:21:09 PM »
I guess you could say that I was one that didn't consider myself engaged until the proposal.  In my case, it wasn't the proposal itself.  But, the next step was all on me.  He wasn't interested in planning a wedding, and that was OK with me.  But, I wasn't going to do all that work until I had a clear-cut "Yes, I absolutely want to get married" from him.  Rather than a more iffy, "Yes, I think it would be a good idea sometime in the near future (bit not now)"

Venus193

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #114 on: April 24, 2013, 04:46:05 PM »
OK, made it to the end of the thread.

I hate these things because I think the proposal should be a private affair because it's about a relationship of private emotions.  I cringe during Moonstruck when Johnny Cammarreri proposed to Loretta in the Grand Ticino.  Since I am one of those people who hates the birthday thing in public this would send me running for the exit.

As to the poll question, I think the answer would be "it depends."  If the guy is otherwise a reasonable person I would say "Can we talk about this?"  If I had any reason to think he was a manipulative type my answer would be to refuse publcly so there can be no question about it when you request a restraining order two days later.

BTW, my love of that music notwithstanding I would be embarrassed to death if a gentleman sent a mariachi band to do the public serenade thing.

Twik

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #115 on: April 24, 2013, 04:47:53 PM »
I guess you could say that I was one that didn't consider myself engaged until the proposal.  In my case, it wasn't the proposal itself.  But, the next step was all on me.  He wasn't interested in planning a wedding, and that was OK with me.  But, I wasn't going to do all that work until I had a clear-cut "Yes, I absolutely want to get married" from him.  Rather than a more iffy, "Yes, I think it would be a good idea sometime in the near future (bit not now)"

I agree, there's a *big* difference between "well, we might someday get married" and "Will you marry me?" It's just that some people talk about how they've bought the ring, circled a date on the calendar, and started making non-refundable deposits on wedding stuff, and they're still not "engaged" until the "official" proposal, which is a detailed production, rather than a simple agreement.

Even that's ok, if it's what floats your boat. But I'd consider the first "meeting of the minds" on the subject, whenever it occurs, to be the real proposal. Great if it's on a beach in Malibu, but hey, just as great if it's while taking out the garbage. It just seems a little odd that someone has asked, "Will you marry me?" and someone else has said "yes," but they don't consider it "real" until it's done in a specific manner.
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Alynne1113

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #116 on: April 24, 2013, 06:15:50 PM »
This happened to my cousin, she was proposed to very publicly and said yes because she felt she had too. It all got out of control very fast and before she knew it her family had planned an elaborate huge wedding for her and I think she got swept up in the attention also everyone kept saying that "cold feet" are normal and that he was a great guy ect., so she ended up marrying him, they didn't even last 6 months before she caught him messing around.

I have NO IDEA what I would do. probably say yes right away and so no later---hopefully unlike in my cousins experience people aren't planning a wedding by the time I get home and news hasn't gotten around to all the family!

weeblewobble

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #117 on: April 24, 2013, 07:56:18 PM »
OK, made it to the end of the thread.

I hate these things because I think the proposal should be a private affair because it's about a relationship of private emotions.  I cringe during Moonstruck when Johnny Cammarreri proposed to Loretta in the Grand Ticino.  Since I am one of those people who hates the birthday thing in public this would send me running for the exit.


My favorite line in the movie is when Ronnie has proposed and Mama asks "Do you love him, Loretta?"  Loretta says, "Ma, I love him awful."  Mom says, "Eh, too bad." 

Kariachi

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #118 on: April 25, 2013, 10:11:14 AM »
I was just looking through a book I've got on superstitions(specifically western ones) and saw something interesting.

Fun Fact: Apparently public proposals are/were considered bad luck. Who knew?
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Last_Dance

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Re: Public Marriage Proposals
« Reply #119 on: May 07, 2013, 04:03:35 AM »
In spite of being pretty shy in RL, I actually wouldn't mind a public proposal - provided it's from DF, of course  ;)

If he proposed by hiding the ring in a slice of cake, however...Now that's bound to end in tears!
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