Oh No, Baby 'Daddy' Drama!

[January Girl]

2 Backgrounds Needed for my question.

BG1) Shelly is a dear friend of mine. She is single. She is on a d@ting website "All the Fish in the Sea".

BG2) Claire is another friend/accquantance. I meet Claire through another friend on a business deal and we became friends. Claire had some personal troubles (health, divorce, etc.) Claire meet a new guy, Brad, whom she gushed about all over FB. She moved in with Brad, got engaged and also now pregnant. Brad and Claire have since broken up, Brad moved out and Claire is now almost 4 months pregnant.

While out with Shelly for drinks with another friend, we all got to talking about the d@ting website All the Fish in the Sea (AFS). She was showing me a few of the guys she's talking to. As she's scrolling through, I recognize Brad's photo on the AFS website. I stopped and asked her about it. She said, oh yeah, I know Brad. He told me he was with a girl, moved in, but then she went crazy. I asked Shelley if she knew who the girl was. Shelly said no and I told her it was Claire. Claire and Shelly do no know each other. Then I asked Shelly if Brad had told her that Claire was pregnant. Shelly, shocked, said no. So she texted Brad and asked why he hadn't told her about Claire. Brad's response was that Claire is crazy and he doesn't know if the baby is his.

Here's my dilemma. My impression of Claire is she is not the type of person to run around on her guy. However, I do not know her personal business. I don't know how bad the fallout between Claire and Brad really was. Maybe Claire did cheat and that's why they broke up? Or is Brad just saying that to make himself look better? I don't know.

So, should I let Claire know what Brad said in a tactful way?

[SamiHami]

I would. He is slandering her (assuming what he's saying is not true). Not a nice way to treat the mother of your child. This could also be the impetus she needs to take steps to protect herself and her child so that he cannot deny paternity/try to weasel out of support payments, etc.

[WestAussieGirl]

No, I don't think you should say anything to Claire.  She can't do anything to stop Brad bad-mouthing her so all it can do is upset her and cause more drama between them. 

I think you've done all you can by warning Shelley.  Other than that, I think you should stay well clear of it.

[bopper]

No, I don't think you should say anything to Claire.  She can't do anything to stop Brad bad-mouthing her so all it can do is upset her and cause more drama between them. 

I think you've done all you can by warning Shelley.  Other than that, I think you should stay well clear of it.

I concur. It is good to warn Shelly, but Claire already knows Brad is an idiot.

[YummyMummy66]

I would not say anything. 

If Claire does not know by now that Brad is a class a jerk, I am sure she will find out when her baby is born.

Shelley, if she is stupid enough to date Brad, will eventually find out what kind of guy he is also.

I would stay out of this one.  Everyone is an adult and make their own decisions.

[Piratelvr1121]

Yeah I think Claire's already gotten the memo wrt Brat-I mean Brad, but if I were Shelley I'd like to know a guy will lie about her once they're done and he doesn't get his way.

[m2kbug]

It's probably not worth sharing.  It depends on the level of closeness because I think I would tell my closer friend, but wouldn't mention it to someone who is more of an acquaintance I am friendly with.  You're not entirely clear on the rel-ationship and breakup and question if it is possible Claire had an affair.  While upcoming fatherhood would be something he should be sharing to his potential new rel-ationship, you don't always share all the details with strangers you meet on the internet right away.  He sounds like a jerk, at least Shelly knows to steer clear. 

[WillyNilly]

Brad might have just said the first thing that popped into his head in defense - imagine how creepy stalker-ish Shelly came across like she had investigated him and found out about his ex.  After all Shelly and Claire don't know each other, and really Brad hardly knows Shelly, she's just some girl on a dating website he's vaguely met.

I think if Brad comes up in conversation with Claire you can mention he's on the dating website and not telling anyone he's a dad or dad to be, but beyond that why would you call Claire is a cheater?  Because if you say it to her then its you saying it to her.  You have the option now to stop the nasty humors in their tracks, or share the nasty rumors; I would suggest stopping them not sharing them.

[bah12]

I wouldn't say anything.  Claire and Brad have broken up.  He may be lying to girls on AFS about the baby (or not mentioning it if it doesn't come up) or he really questions Claire's state of mind and paternity of the baby.  In either case, Brad is a loser.  Claire knows it already and Shelly has gotten a pretty strong hint.  How Claire and Brad work things out in regards to the baby is their business.  Telling him about AFS and what he said to Shelly is just stirring the pot.  No need to go there.

[SiotehCat]

I'm confused about my Brad is a "loser" or a "brat". Could someone explain this to me?

He doesn't have to tell the people he is dating about Claire or her baby, unless it's serious. If its casually dating, then I don't blame him for not telling all of his business.

Also, maybe he has good reason to believe its not his baby. I don't see the same name calling being extended to Claire.

[rashea]

Honestly, I'm not entirely sure he did something wrong. While I wouldn't date someone off a matching site who had an ex who was currently pregnant (that's just more drama than I need in my life), I wouldn't blame him for being on there. And he didn't include it as part of his profile, but then, maybe he would have told someone on the first or second date, which would be appropriate to my mind. And he only brought up thinking she was unfaithful when he was pushed on it. Maybe he does think that. In which case it's really not unreasonable for him to be saying that.

It doesn't sound like he's going out of his way to badmouth her all over town or anything.

[NyaChan]

I'm kinda wondering the same thing about Brad- we have no reason to think that Brad doesn't genuinely know that the child is not his, and he did disclose that there was a previous serious relationship which went sour.  Unless Shelly has been dating him for a long time such that the disclosure of the details re: contested paternity are relevant, I don't think keeping it quiet for the initial date or two is grounds for being sent to loserville.

[bah12]

I'm confused about my Brad is a "loser" or a "brat". Could someone explain this to me?

He doesn't have to tell the people he is dating about Claire or her baby, unless it's serious. If its casually dating, then I don't blame him for not telling all of his business.

Also, maybe he has good reason to believe its not his baby. I don't see the same name calling being extended to Claire.

Loser may be harsh.  I agree that he doesn't have to (or shouldn't) disclose information about his ex on his dating profile and there's no indication that he wouldn't have said something on a second or third date.

And while I don't necessarily fault him (or Claire) for breaking up while she's pregnant, I am very wary of men (and women) who talk about thier crazy exes.  Just as it may be TMI to talk about Claire being pregnant on a dating profile, mentioning her at all, and especially pointing out how crazy she is, is also a bit much for someone you are just trying to connect with online.  When I was single, that was always a red flag for me.  Not to say that crazy exes don't exist, but if we've just met, I don't need to hear about them.  9 out of 10 times there's still some major connection there, a lot of drama, and the one who claims the other is crazy is usually a bit off themselves (in my experience).

[doodlemor]

.......... I am very wary of men (and women) who talk about thier crazy exes.  Just as it may be TMI to talk about Claire being pregnant on a dating profile, mentioning her at all, and especially pointing out how crazy she is, is also a bit much for someone you are just trying to connect with online.  When I was single, that was always a red flag for me.  Not to say that crazy exes don't exist, but if we've just met, I don't need to hear about them.  9 out of 10 times there's still some major connection there, a lot of drama, and the one who claims the other is crazy is usually a bit off themselves (in my experience).

POD to this.  /\  /\

I don't think that you should say anything about this to Claire.  She may be in a difficult and stressful situation, and she doesn't need any more problems to think about.

[Eden]

I would not say anything to Claire. I think it's good you mentioned to Shelly that he potentially has a baby on the way, but I'd leave it at that. Everyone has all of the information they really need.