Oh No, Baby 'Daddy' Drama!

[AnnaJ]

.......... I am very wary of men (and women) who talk about thier crazy exes.  Just as it may be TMI to talk about Claire being pregnant on a dating profile, mentioning her at all, and especially pointing out how crazy she is, is also a bit much for someone you are just trying to connect with online.  When I was single, that was always a red flag for me.  Not to say that crazy exes don't exist, but if we've just met, I don't need to hear about them.  9 out of 10 times there's still some major connection there, a lot of drama, and the one who claims the other is crazy is usually a bit off themselves (in my experience).

POD to this.  /\  /\

I don't think that you should say anything about this to Claire.  She may be in a difficult and stressful situation, and she doesn't need any more problems to think about.

Best advice I ever got - if you want to know what a man will say about you if you break up, listen to what he says to you about his exes.

[Girly]

No, it's not up to you to insert yourself into Brad/Claire's relationship, whatever that may be. You have no idea what is going on between them, or why they broke up. He started talking about how crazy Claire was and how he didn't mention the baby because he didn't know it was his only after someone point blank asked him about it.... so it's not like he's out spreading gossip.

Brad has no obligations to tell anyone they just met over the internet about something in detail such as their latest breakup, or even if they have children. So far, he hasn't done anything wrong, and it's a total 'he said she said' about what happened in his last relationship.

[bah12]

No, it's not up to you to insert yourself into Brad/Claire's relationship, whatever that may be. You have no idea what is going on between them, or why they broke up. He started talking about how crazy Claire was and how he didn't mention the baby because he didn't know it was his only after someone point blank asked him about it.... so it's not like he's out spreading gossip.

Brad has no obligations to tell anyone they just met over the internet about something in detail such as their latest breakup, or even if they have children. So far, he hasn't done anything wrong, and it's a total 'he said she said' about what happened in his last relationship.

Actually, he told Shelly that Claire was crazy before the OP mentioned that she was pregnant and he was confronted about it.  He just didn't mention the baby.

But, I still agree that the OP needs to stay out of it.  No good will come of telling Claire of this exchange.

[Amara]

OP, do you know if Claire is or will be pursing child support? You may not and I probably wouldn't ask (though it depends on the level of friendship) but I wonder if Brad is laying the foundation to try and get out of acknowledging paternity. If Claire ever brings up the subject in a roundabout way, it would be worth talking about it so she can incorporate his apparent rejection into her plans for child support. Otherwise, I don't think I'd tell her. It sounds like it would just be hurtful gossip without any good reason for existing.

[m2kbug]

OP, do you know if Claire is or will be pursing child support? You may not and I probably wouldn't ask (though it depends on the level of friendship) but I wonder if Brad is laying the foundation to try and get out of acknowledging paternity. If Claire ever brings up the subject in a roundabout way, it would be worth talking about it so she can incorporate his apparent rejection into her plans for child support. Otherwise, I don't think I'd tell her. It sounds like it would just be hurtful gossip without any good reason for existing.

I agree.  What if Claire did have an affair and this baby is not Brad's.  I do not think I would want to butt into that personal life situation and would not bring up this conversation.  I do agree that if Claire brings up this issue herself, first, that Brad is trying to shirk his responsibility in claiming the child is not his, the OP can be free discuss the exchange.  It might be more of a warning that this is the direction Brad is headed.

[doodlemor]

.......... I am very wary of men (and women) who talk about thier crazy exes.  Just as it may be TMI to talk about Claire being pregnant on a dating profile, mentioning her at all, and especially pointing out how crazy she is, is also a bit much for someone you are just trying to connect with online.  When I was single, that was always a red flag for me.  Not to say that crazy exes don't exist, but if we've just met, I don't need to hear about them.  9 out of 10 times there's still some major connection there, a lot of drama, and the one who claims the other is crazy is usually a bit off themselves (in my experience).

POD to this.  /\  /\

I don't think that you should say anything about this to Claire.  She may be in a difficult and stressful situation, and she doesn't need any more problems to think about.

Best advice I ever got - if you want to know what a man will say about you if you break up, listen to what he says to you about his exes.

More PODDING.   /\   /\

IMO Brad is demonstrating *cad like* behavior to speak of his former lover in such a way to the new girlfriend.  He didn't need to make a derogatory remark - it would have been sufficient to say that things didn't "work out."

It may be true that Claire had an affair and the baby isn't his.  However, his defensiveness and eagerness to distance himself from the situation makes me think that there is a strong possibility that the child is his, and that he is worried about the situation.

[WillyNilly]

In general, yes it unseemly for someone to bring up their ex is "crazy"... unless of course the ex actually is one of those crazy ones will call constantly, or show up in places she knows her ex might be, or stop by his job or whatever.  In which case, giving new partners a polite heads up "btw, I have a crazy ex" is not so inappropriate. I don't think we know enough about Brad here to really say what kind of guy he is.

[January Girl]

OP, do you know if Claire is or will be pursing child support? You may not and I probably wouldn't ask (though it depends on the level of friendship) but I wonder if Brad is laying the foundation to try and get out of acknowledging paternity. If Claire ever brings up the subject in a roundabout way, it would be worth talking about it so she can incorporate his apparent rejection into her plans for child support. Otherwise, I don't think I'd tell her. It sounds like it would just be hurtful gossip without any good reason for existing.

I do not know if Claire is pursuing child support. Brad told Shelly his ex was crazy and moved out. Brad prompted the conversation without Shelly asking.

And I probably won't be contacting Claire unless for a specific reason..ie-this Brad situation.

[bah12]

In general, yes it unseemly for someone to bring up their ex is "crazy"... unless of course the ex actually is one of those crazy ones will call constantly, or show up in places she knows her ex might be, or stop by his job or whatever.  In which case, giving new partners a polite heads up "btw, I have a crazy ex" is not so inappropriate. I don't think we know enough about Brad here to really say what kind of guy he is.

I wouldn't give someone that 'heads up' unless I was going on a date (or more) with them.  Talking to someone online...well, that person probably isn't going to feel ramifications of a "crazy" ex at that point.  Sure, Brad could be totally right about Claire and maybe Claire will go online and start stalking everyone else he meets.  But, if this was the case, Brad has a bigger problem than dealing with a crazy ex.  I've never been one to move to a new relationship when the old one isn't completely tied up and when I was in the dating world, I had little tolerance for those that did (at least as far as me being willing to pursue something with them.)  As soon as a guy mentions an ex right when I meet him and especially if he starts telling me that she's crazy, my hackles would go up.  And maybe I let a couple of good ones go that way, but that was a risk I was willing to take for the very good chance that I was saving myself a lot of drama and heartache by walking away early.  But, I digress, as it's not the point of this thread.

The OP passed on some knowledge to Shelly.  What Shelly does with that is her business...especially knowing that she hasn't even gone out on a date with Brad yet. And how Brad and Claire handle their relationship now and in the future is their business.  The OP is good to stay out of it.

[weeblewobble]

Run, DON'T WALK, from this situation as fast as you can.

[Hmmmmm]

Run, DON'T WALK, from this situation as fast as you can.

This.  I wouldn't say anything to Claire. 

[Piratelvr1121]

POD. Life's too short to get embroiled in that sort of drama.

[BabylonSister]

I'm confused about my Brad is a "loser" or a "brat". Could someone explain this to me?

He doesn't have to tell the people he is dating about Claire or her baby, unless it's serious. If its casually dating, then I don't blame him for not telling all of his business.

Also, maybe he has good reason to believe its not his baby. I don't see the same name calling being extended to Claire.

Loser may be harsh.  I agree that he doesn't have to (or shouldn't) disclose information about his ex on his dating profile and there's no indication that he wouldn't have said something on a second or third date.

And while I don't necessarily fault him (or Claire) for breaking up while she's pregnant, I am very wary of men (and women) who talk about thier crazy exes.  Just as it may be TMI to talk about Claire being pregnant on a dating profile, mentioning her at all, and especially pointing out how crazy she is, is also a bit much for someone you are just trying to connect with online.  When I was single, that was always a red flag for me.  Not to say that crazy exes don't exist, but if we've just met, I don't need to hear about them.  9 out of 10 times there's still some major connection there, a lot of drama, and the one who claims the other is crazy is usually a bit off themselves (in my experience).

Right. And "it might not be my kid" is the oldest excuse in the book.  That one is a huge red flag to me as well.

[TurtleDove]

Right. And "it might not be my kid" is the oldest excuse in the book.  That one is a huge red flag to me as well.

None of us know what happened here.  I don't have enough information to call Brad a loser.  I don't know if Brad said anything untrue.  I would stay out of it.

[bloo]

I agree with the PP's that say 'stay out of it'.

You've  (OP) helped your friend to see that if she sees Brad she's walking (eyes-wide-open) into drama, even if it's not his fault. That's all the help you can give. It's best to not add to the drama because as PP's have said, you don't really know anything concrete. Telling Claire what Brad said would be like throwing gasoline on to the fire.