Statements about my cat - rude?

[CluelessBride]

I think part of what those people are saying is that they don't really want to hear that much about it.

So the best solution is to not go into such detail about your cats' lives.

Think about this: If they WERE your actual children, would you talk in such detail about the fact that they wet the bed? I wouldn't; I'd respect their privacy more.

So if your cats are your kids, maybe you shouldn't reveal quite so much about this.


(and you *have* had her checked out by the vet, yes?)

While it may be true OP is oversharing (although given her update, I don't think that's the issue), it doesn't excuse the inappropriateness of the friends remarks. If a friend was oversharing about their kids bedwetting, it would not be okay to suggest beating, euthanizing or adopting out the child.

Honestly, someone telling me they'd have an animal put down for peeing in their house instead of even attempting behavioral modification would tell me a lot about that person. Not the type of person I would want to be friends with anyway.

[Girlie]

Argh. I understand your frustration, OP.

Where I work, I have some people who like to (and ask to) see pictures of my cats. These include co-workers and cutomers. I am proud of my beautiful babies and am always happy to oblige.

Then I have some people who would rather not spend a great deal of time talking about cats, or animals at all, and I try not to bring up my babies as much as possible (although I add in here that for some reason, these exact same people seem to have the impression that I DO want to hear all about their children and grandchildren).

Then I have a few co-workers (one in particular) who, upon overhearing me talking about cats to a fellow employee, made a point of telling me that she hates cats, once had a cat who took up hanging around her house, and that "the best day of her life was the day that cat was run over!"
Evil. Pure evil, IMHO.

All that to say that some people, for whatever reason, just don't "get it." And some people need to be heartily shunned for saying things that shouldn't be said. 

[TootsNYC]

yeah, i kind of agree with WillyNilly, after hearing the info in your update.

Even if she peed on the sofa cushion yesterday, I don't want to sit on it.

[bansidhe]

This is a sore spot for me. I probably wouldn't be able to help myself from launching into a spiel about how pets are not accessories, they're members of the family and a lifetime commitment, etc. Maybe not ehell approved, but I doubt I'd hear anymore about it from that person.

I do like the phrase you've been using and I see nothing wrong with adding, "I don't find such talk helpful or kind."

I totally agree with all of this and I have - on more than one occasion - given such a spiel. One particularly nasty person got the spiel plus a question that I'm fairly certain would not be ehell approved, followed by the cut direct.

I like Bexx27's "I don't find such talk helpful or kind" but if you encounter someone who persistently makes obnoxious comments even after this, you may need to take stronger measures, such as flat-out telling the person that you will no longer tolerate such comments.

[BeagleMommy]

Nutella, it sounds like Kitty has seperation anxiety/fear of abandonment.  She probably remembers her previous owners leaving her to her own devices and feeling scared and hungry.  She's stressed.  It takes time, but you can train her with gentle behavior modification.

For those who make comments, "Glad she's not your cat then" works fine.

[triciadi]

It seems people are often quick to make comments about our beloved pets that they would never make about our children.  I have a cat who is very much a "one-person-cat" and likes to be left alone.  The cat and I have a very good understanding of each other and co-habit quite nicely. 

I have a friend (who does have cats herself) who often visits with her daughter (who isn't a kid - the daughter is 31) who won't leave the cat alone.  She pokes at her and teases her and then often gets clawed or bitten.

I finally had to yell at the mother who yelled at the cat for biting her daughter.  Any reasonable adult understands that if you poke and tease an animal, there will be consequences so don't yell at the animal!

Would you yell at one of my kids if they were being poked and then defended themselves?

I've been told many times that I should just get rid of the cat.  My response - "Really?  Why?"

I think you could use a similar response. 

[Moray]

I also like Bexx27's "I don't find such talk helpful or kind" for dealing with these comments.

On another note, I can tell you that if any of my cats had to deal with 3 days of their own waste they'd refuse to use the litter box, too. Cats are very clean and fastidious creatures and what you describe (messing elsewhere if the box is dirty) is actually pretty common behavior. It might be a good idea to have a friend or relative stop by next time you're gone to scoop the box, or at least set out another litter box so she has more clean litter to go through.

[Bexx27]

I also like Bexx27's "I don't find such talk helpful or kind" for dealing with these comments.

On another note, I can tell you that if any of my cats had to deal with 3 days of their own waste they'd refuse to use the litter box, too. Cats are very clean and fastidious creatures and what you describe (messing elsewhere if the box is dirty) is actually pretty common behavior. It might be a good idea to have a friend or relative stop by next time you're gone to scoop the box, or at least set out another litter box so she has more clean litter to go through.

Just want to point out that I took the phrase "I don't find such talk helpful or kind" directly from the OP. It seems several of us agree that it's perfectly fine to say.

[Moray]

I also like Bexx27's "I don't find such talk helpful or kind" for dealing with these comments.

On another note, I can tell you that if any of my cats had to deal with 3 days of their own waste they'd refuse to use the litter box, too. Cats are very clean and fastidious creatures and what you describe (messing elsewhere if the box is dirty) is actually pretty common behavior. It might be a good idea to have a friend or relative stop by next time you're gone to scoop the box, or at least set out another litter box so she has more clean litter to go through.

Just want to point out that I took the phrase "I don't find such talk helpful or kind" directly from the OP. It seems several of us agree that it's perfectly fine to say.

LOL! Good job for picking it out, then

[spookycatlady]

This is something that I very recently went through. 

I opted for the following stock phrase:

"Please tread lightly.  I take my responsibility to my pets very seriously."  If the person was family, they would get an added phrase, "This is as close as I will ever get to having children." 

I noticed that many people backed off considerably when I said that, often getting a little defensive, "I was just kidding..."  I would not allow them to get away with it.  I would just repeat, "I take responsibility for a living being in my care seriously."  I think it's good they get defensive.  It's good that they feel uncomfortable.  If the person was someone I'm unfamiliar with, they would the 'tread lightly', combined with eyebrows raised/lips pressed together tightly/awkward silence treatment.

The reason the topic came up so much... my husband like to complain... a lot.

[TootsNYC]

It seems people are often quick to make comments about our beloved pets that they would never make about our children.  I have a cat who is very much a "one-person-cat" and likes to be left alone.  The cat and I have a very good understanding of each other and co-habit quite nicely. 

I have a friend (who does have cats herself) who often visits with her daughter (who isn't a kid - the daughter is 31) who won't leave the cat alone.  She pokes at her and teases her and then often gets clawed or bitten.

I finally had to yell at the mother who yelled at the cat for biting her daughter.  Any reasonable adult understands that if you poke and tease an animal, there will be consequences so don't yell at the animal!

Would you yell at one of my kids if they were being poked and then defended themselves?

I've been told many times that I should just get rid of the cat.  My response - "Really?  Why?"

I think you could use a similar response.

Why didn't you speak to the 31-year-old daughter, presumably a reasonable adult (since you didn't say anything different), and tell her, "Leave me cat alone!"

And before it got to that point, why didn't you pick up the cat and take him to the bedroom and close the door so he could be in peace?

[MamaMootz]

Have to say I'm with WillyNilly and Toots on this one - I would not be too jazzed about sitting on a cat peed on sofa either, and I am one of the crazy cat ladies on the board as well.

I will say that people who usually make those kinds of comments to me really dislike cats. Some people are just not cat people, and they consider them as less, somehow. I don't know if I'm making sense or articulating what I'm trying to say.

But I would not take kindly to anyone telling me to euthanize or adopt kitty out, either. I like what spookycatlady said or Bexx. Both are good replies.

[NutellaNut]

To clarify - the last time the actual couch upholstery was peed on was the beginning of September, and it's been thoroughly cleaned since then.  What she pees on now are disposable or washable incontinence pads and a cotton cover which is sanitized each time.  In warning people I also offer other seats to them (some of which aren't even upholstery, so clearly not peed upon) and no one has ever taken me up on it - they've just checked that the spot they were about to use wasn't wet and sat down.  They've also come back to enjoy my hospitality since then.    We are actually the ones in our circle who host the most, and I'm pretty sure my friends don't consider my house so disgusting that I shouldn't have people over.

It sounds like I need to keep on the track I'm on - keep working on correcting the problem, don't bring it up to people any more, and speak politely the phrases mentioned here when someone says something untoward.  Thank you all for the feedback!

[Lynn2000]

My reactions are along the lines of TootsNYC and WillyNilly. If you are talking about bodily fluids in more detail than someone wants to hear, and especially if you tell them they might be about to sit in some--I can see how the first thing that comes to mind might be something flippant and negative. I'm not saying they're right to do that; I do get angry at people who don't seem to understand the commitment that having a pet takes--that's why I don't have any myself, because I'm not ready to make that commitment to a living creature. But, they may feel extremely uncomfortable with the situation and not know what else to say in the moment.

I remember a thread on here about someone who had a pet snake, and people were always saying to her how much they hated snakes and wanted to kill them--AFTER she'd said one was her pet. Although I don't think I would have said anything that violent (I'd run from a snake before I'd try to kill it), I'd honestly never thought that much about it before and probably would've been one of the people who said, "Ew. A snake?" So I learned from that to be more respectful of the choices people were telling me about.

Maybe a response like, "You know, I don't think that's very nice. How would you feel if I said that about your dog/child/aging parent when you talked about their problems?" I think if you were able to say this in a calm tone, it might help them to better understand how you hear what they say.

[Sharnita]

I might treat it as if it weren't a flippant comment. Maybe reply "Yes it is a difficult decision and everyne has to make it for themselves" That way you aren't criticizing their values but you are making it clear that the issue is not one that you handle dismissively.