Playground etiquette for kids...I think he handled this right

[YummyMummy66]

The OP's son was fine. Sometimes, people need to hear these things.

As for the suggested responses, they're all well and good, but he's eight. Expecting him to come up with calm adult responses to an insult is unrealistic.

He did good.

I agree.  I think your son handled the situation fine for his age and was much nicer than most other adults would be. I am tired of bullies and maybe this young girl will think twice before she does so again. 

[RubyCat]

I think your son did really well and I think his words were perfect. 

It seems obvious that the girl is either receiving little to no parenting or is being taught and encouraged to be a bully. I just wish I could believe that she would think about the meaning of your son's words and decide to not behave that way anymore. But as long as we do have bullies, we need to teach our children to effectively deal with them. Kudos to Fin.

[Girlie]

The OP's son was fine. Sometimes, people need to hear these things.

As for the suggested responses, they're all well and good, but he's eight. Expecting him to come up with calm adult responses to an insult is unrealistic.

He did good.

I agree.  I think your son handled the situation fine for his age and was much nicer than most other adults would be. I am tired of bullies and maybe this young girl will think twice before she does so again.

Parking my POD right here.
I think Fin did just fine.

[Eden]

The OP's son was fine. Sometimes, people need to hear these things.

As for the suggested responses, they're all well and good, but he's eight. Expecting him to come up with calm adult responses to an insult is unrealistic.

He did good.

I agree.  I think your son handled the situation fine for his age and was much nicer than most other adults would be. I am tired of bullies and maybe this young girl will think twice before she does so again.

Agreed, I think it's the difference between calling someone's actions vs their hearts as ugly is a little too nuanced for that age. And it's not like he called names or anything. I don't see what he said as much different than, "You're mean!" I think he did well.

[postalslave]

The OP's son was fine. Sometimes, people need to hear these things.

As for the suggested responses, they're all well and good, but he's eight. Expecting him to come up with calm adult responses to an insult is unrealistic.

He did good.

yup, POD

[TootsNYC]

As for the suggested responses, they're all well and good, but he's eight. Expecting him to come up with calm adult responses to an insult is unrealistic.

Exactly! And that why the OP (and a couple of the rest of us) have suggested that this is a great time to discuss why that particular phrasing was not so good, and provide coaching in advance of something similar.

He IS eight. That's not particularly unsophisticated, actually. Give eight-year-olds some credit! I think he can get the nuances. He may have even MEANT the nuances. And give Fin some credit. He obviously thought a bit about how to react, and he controlled himself admirably. He just needs some other options in his "tool belt."

Those of us who didn't quite like his phrasing (including his own mother, actually) haven't *condemned* him or anything. We just think that next time it would be nice if his choice of words didn't strike so directly at someone's core identity (heart and mind).

His mom will probably help him with that.

[Moray]

I should have stated that the whole interaction took about 3 minutes and I was getting up to intervene when Fin retorted back to her and stalked off. I did speak to him about his choice of words and how he could have phrased it better. I also did speak to him about hurting her feelings as she probably didn't hear "You're acting ugly" only "You're ugly". IE I pod Moray as well

Part of this is my fault in that I have always told him that swear words are ugly and we do not speak to others in an ugly manner. His school has also been doing a series of classes on abuse and bullying. He had asked me why people seem to like hurting others and I told him that sometimes people act ugly to each other because they think they can get away with it. Fin also has ADHD and the simpler and more concise an explanation I give him, the more likely he is to remember it. I also have to admit to being proud of him as well. In the past, he would have shoved her and retorted "You're just a poopy-head" so HEY progress :/

But the entire situation did bring to the forefront the question "How do I teach my children to respond politely but firmly to the crass, the bully and the SS, without sinking to their level"?

I think that if you've got an open dialog going and are talking about the distinction between calling out someone's actions vs. insulting someone's character then you're on the right track and further action really isn't required.

[cicero]

I think that Fin *acted* OK and in control, but he shouldn't have used those words.

I also think that he shouldn't have commented on her *words* at all, but if anything, the girl should have been reprimanded for her *actions*, ie., forcing him to give up his turn for her.

[Piratelvr1121]

I agree, I'm impressed with his choice of words, considering he's eight.  As others said he may need a bit of help to make his intentions a bit more clear but still, it's better than the name calling I'd expect from a lot of 8 year olds I've known.

I remember being in sixth grade myself and in one of my classes a boy said something hurtful to a girl, leading our teacher to say "That was ugly."  Cue the other kids saying "Ooooh she called you UGLY!" Mrs. C clarified that she was not calling her student ugly, but his choice of words.  So I wouldn't be surprised if a younger child like the girl might have heard the words and thought the boy was calling HER ugly. 

Come to think of it, I don't often hear people using "ugly" to describe a person's behavior anymore. I used to hear it from  my grandmother, but not many others, really.

And well I don't know if it's that the girl hears that at home though it's probably the most likely case.  My boys are friends with another kid nearby whose parents swear at each other so much, and not just swear, but scream, that they no longer like to go over to their house. 

And I wish I could say I don't swear but that would be a lie. Thankfully my older two don't follow my example.  It's kind of ironic really, DH served in the Marines and I have the dirtier mouth?    He never swears at all unless he is really, really upset or repeating a joke where no other word makes sense in context.

[bonyk]

But the entire situation did bring to the forefront the question "How do I teach my children to respond politely but firmly to the crass, the bully and the SS, without sinking to their level"?

What your son did is pretty much what I suggest for my students, although I try to get them to focus on criticizing the behavior instead of the person.  For example, I recently had an eye-rolling epidemic in my class.  So I told the 'victim' girls to say in a very plain tone of voice, "When you roll your eyes at me, it makes me feel angry," and walk away.  Second offenses got a, "I'm feeling angry.  I don't want to talk to you for a while."  We never needed to go farther than that.  That worked with tween girls, because they count on the victim to be embarrassed by the eye-rolling. 

I think for a younger child, whose end-goal was to make your son angry, he needed to be as blunt as he was.

Because your aggressor