When someone is rude to your spouse or partner

[Allyson]

One more thought..I also think someone stepping in for a partner needs to make sure they aren't being hypocritical. What I mean here is, if the general tone of the group is 'light joking insults', and Alex is a big fan of them...except when Chris is the victim...that is really frustrating for people. I've seen this before, and it's like 'this behaviour is only rude when it's towards *my* guy/lady, otherwise it's hilarious!' Being on the other end of that is not fun at all. 

[demarco]

I think the answer depends on who is doing the insulting. If one's family is insulting the spouse, one should step in.  I used to get a lot of harassment, bullying and insults from DH's family when we visited them.  DH never said anything to them.  I was left on my own to deal with it with results varying from bad to worse.  I know that if anyone in my family criticized my husband in my presence I would have cut them off at the knees.  They knew this and that is probably why they ever dared to criticize DH.  I believed then and believe now that DH should have defended me from his family.  DH has since  come around to my way of thinking. 

[SiotehCat]

Depending on the situation, if someone is rude to my spouse, I will say something.

I don't have much to say in public/around strangers, until you have upset me. Since finding etiquette hell, I have learned to control my temper a bit. I am a work in progress.

On the other side of that, if I feel like my DH is being rude or being "hard" on someone outside of our home, I will also tell him to cut it out.

[Jeremy]

Depending on the situation, if someone is rude to my spouse, I will say something.

I don't have much to say in public/around strangers, until you have upset me. Since finding etiquette hell, I have learned to control my temper a bit. I am a work in progress.

On the other side of that, if I feel like my DH is being rude or being "hard" on someone outside of our home, I will also tell him to cut it out.

Hmm, yes my wife's done that to me a couple of times as well - I can be excessively blunt with people who get on my nerves, but she's got better social graces than I have, and lets me know when I should behave myself! 

I think the answer depends on who is doing the insulting. If one's family is insulting the spouse, one should step in.  I used to get a lot of harassment, bullying and insults from DH's family when we visited them.  DH never said anything to them.  I was left on my own to deal with it with results varying from bad to worse.  I know that if anyone in my family criticized my husband in my presence I would have cut them off at the knees.  They knew this and that is probably why they ever dared to criticize DH.  I believed then and believe now that DH should have defended me from his family.  DH has since  come around to my way of thinking. 

Excellent point.  I can't imagine standing back and letting any of my relatives insult my wife like that.  Not only would I challenge their behaviour there and then, I would also take them aside for a quiet talk about how I want them to treat her.  There's no excuse for letting family bully or insult your wife or husband.

[QueenofAllThings]

I once had a friend (who was quite drunk at the time) walk up to me and tell me in no uncertain terms what a jerk my husband was. Jerk was not the word she used. I had seen the conversation, and he was in no way a jerk (he was also sober). I simply told her that if she had an issue, she should take it up with him - she backed right down. 

I don't feel that I was defending him or rescuing him, just diffusing the situation. He would have been quite annoyed if a slurring party-goer got up in his face with a wagging finger.

[katycoo]

Depends on who the insulter is.  if it's DH's friend/colleague/connection, I prefer him to speak up.  If its mine, I'll handle it as appropriate.

Depending on the nature of the connection depends on the level of tact required to address it.

[Giggity]

There was a posting on the main blog page the other day that got me thinking about how you should react if somebody is rude to or insults your spouse or partner while they're with you.  Fortunately it doesn't happen to my wife and me very often, but I know from past experience that if someone treats her rudely, insults her or is hurtful to her in some way I often feel compelled to say something to defend her or let the other person know how far out of line they were.  My wife doesn't always like me doing this, but I feel a bit disloyal to her if I don't say something.  So what actually is the best way to react in this situation?  Is it better to speak up, or should you keep quiet in these situations?  What do we all think?

I can't speak for everyone else, but I think that since your wife is an adult, she can fight her own battles if she so chooses.

[GSNW]

I agree with PPs that the defending/speaking up is situational.  When DH and I had been dating for about a year, he had a birthday party in his hometown.  A female friend of his (Ally) was very rude and snotty to me (this being the first time we had met) and made a point to snub me at future group events.  We never figured out why (the idea that she was romantically interested is unlikely) so we can only conclude and I did something offensive without realizing it.  DH asked a few times if I wanted him to address it with Ally.  I said no.  I wasn't dying to be her friend and thought the drama was actually what she was after.  If DH had gone to bat or me in this instance I would have been annoyed.

Funny enough, Ally called a few years later to specifically ask why she did not receive a wedding invitation.  At that time, I had no problem with him saying, "Ally, you've made a point of being rude to GSNW.  You obviously don't like her.  Why do you want to come?"  She replied - I am not kidding - (huffily) "Well, everyone ELSE is going."  Lol.

[Lynn2000]

As others have said, it's very situational, and it's best to take one's cues from one's SO.

I can't imagine any of my friends or family insulting my (hypothetical future) SO in a deliberate way, but honestly if they did, I would probably be so mad and shocked that I would say something right then and there. I guess I would feel justified doing it because they're my friends/family--the only way SO knows them is through me, so in a sense I would feel a bit responsible for their behavior towards SO. But if, afterward, SO asked that I not jump in should it happen again, I would try to respect that. (Okay, actually, I would not want to be around that person again if they were deliberately rude to my SO, so there wouldn't be another opportunity, at least with that person.)

If it was someone who was a stranger to both of us--like a fellow customer at a shop, or a server at a restaurant--I would still be quite angry, of course, but I would try to let my SO handle it. I'm sure they would see me glaring daggers in the background, though! If I were the one being insulted, I would rather nobody engage the crazy, and have both of us just try to ignore it and move on/away. Actually, what would be really helpful is if my SO could keep a clear head and suggest that we just leave or whatever, because I would be standing there getting angry and upset.