Hi all, need advice for dealing with this.

[violetfire]

Thank you all for your help.  I feel better knowing we did the right thing having her leave. 
She lives far enough away that we don't have frequent contact with her, and my DH usually fields her phone calls (as I do for my parents), so I don't speak with her much outside of family gatherings.  In person, most of the time she IS friendly, albeit a bit...er...eccentric.  Since my son was born (he's almost two now), her behavior has just gotten more and more odd.  I'm not sure if she was just this way the whole time and didn't pay much attention to us until she had a grandchild or what.
DH and I will definitely work on setting some boundaries with her if this continues.

[LeveeWoman]

Thank you all for your help.  I feel better knowing we did the right thing having her leave. 
She lives far enough away that we don't have frequent contact with her, and my DH usually fields her phone calls (as I do for my parents), so I don't speak with her much outside of family gatherings.  In person, most of the time she IS friendly, albeit a bit...er...eccentric.  Since my son was born (he's almost two now), her behavior has just gotten more and more odd.  I'm not sure if she was just this way the whole time and didn't pay much attention to us until she had a grandchild or what.
DH and I will definitely work on setting some boundaries with her if this continues.

I can guarantee you that this will continue. She already is threatening to take you to court to "enforce" something that does not exist.

If I were in your shoes, I'd have a talk with my husband to map out the boundaries now.

[onikenbai]

My DH has chosen a profession that while respected by most, some believe it to be dangerous to society and believe the people who choose this profession do so in order to exert malevolent power over others.

Your husband is Batman?!?  How cool is that?

Why have you not blocked this woman's email address?  It seems as if she's just sending you spam.  I would stay out of this one and let your husband take care of it.  It sounds like you're not going to win whatever you do.

[Hopefull]

Anyone who threatens me with taking me to court for visitation with my child earns a nice cut off. She is nasty and cares only about herself.

Time for you and DH to make a plan. Figure out what you will allow her to do. If you will allow home visits, visits with your child, or what ever it is. Have a plan and stick to it. Best to have DH talk to mil when you have the plan and lay it all out for her. If her relationship with her grandchild is important to her she will abide by your and Dh's rules.

Good luck and WELCOME to the boards!!!

[LeveeWoman]

Anyone who threatens me with taking me to court for visitation with my child earns a nice cut off. She is nasty and cares only about herself.

Time for you and DH to make a plan. Figure out what you will allow her to do. If you will allow home visits, visits with your child, or what ever it is. Have a plan and stick to it. Best to have DH talk to mil when you have the plan and lay it all out for her. If her relationship with her grandchild is important to her she will abide by your and Dh's rules.

Good luck and WELCOME to the boards!!!

What you said.

[Roe]

Anyone who threatens me with taking me to court for visitation with my child earns a nice cut off. She is nasty and cares only about herself.

Time for you and DH to make a plan. Figure out what you will allow her to do. If you will allow home visits, visits with your child, or what ever it is. Have a plan and stick to it. Best to have DH talk to mil when you have the plan and lay it all out for her. If her relationship with her grandchild is important to her she will abide by your and Dh's rules.

Good luck and WELCOME to the boards!!!

Completely agree!

BTW, I'm guessing your DH is a cop?  At any rate, I would be giving her the cut direct and I usually don't agree that the CD is needed in many or most cases.  But if someone were to threaten me using my son, they would never see or hear from me again.

[snappylt]

Hi Violetfire,

I am going to agree with everyone so far.  I think your MIL is potentially a disruptive influence on your family and home.  I think you were correct and polite in asking her to leave.

If your son is only two, I am guessing that what she has said so far has gone in one ear and out the other.  As he gets older, though, why give her a chance to upset him?  I suggest that you never allow her to be alone with your son.

(OK, I'll grant you that kids can be smarter than some people give them credit for.  If you can set the stage for your son understanding when he is older that his grandmother has a different opinion about his dad's career - and if you can explain to him why you and your husband disagree with grandma, maybe he'd be OK alone with her when he is older.  But why risk it?)

And those threatening clippings - that goes beyond rudeness on her part - sending those sounds like a threat to me.  It might be worth a $100 brief consultation with an attorney to learn whether that is a valid threat in your jurisdiction or not - and if it is, what you need to do to be prepared to deal with that in the future.  If nothing else, you might want to keep copies of everything and write down what happened so that you have a record of it while it is fresh in your mind.

Good luck with this.  I feel for you - you should not have to put up with this kind of behavior!

[Amava]

You say "she has become politically more active", but I think it is more than that.

What you describe about her showing up with "a friend you had never met before", and lecturing you, and giving you a book about how bad your husband's profession is, etc.. screams "sect" to me.

I think it's scary as heck. She seems brainwashed and she is getting frustrated because you refuse to go along with it and "drink the kool-aid" or whatever.

People who think this way, don't realise anymore how rude and inappropriate they are being in their ways of  trying to convince others to think the same way.

I would /not/ break off contact if you or your husband care about her at all, because isolating people from their friends and relatives, once said friends and relatives have made it abundantly clear that they are not the next willing victim, is exactly what sects want.

I would however put severe boundaries on what is and is not up for discussion. I would tell her she is never to bring that friend, or a different unknown-to-you friend with similar beliefs, to your house, and that your husband's profession is not up for discussion. Change the topic whenever she brings it up, cut off a phonecall or conversation when she does, be blunt and direct. And when it comes to your child, monitor her very closely.

[RingTailedLemur]

I have to agree with Amava.  Personally I'd have thrown her out of my house, though.

[SPuck]

The way I see it is that you can't control other people, only your reactions. I don't know what's going on with your MIL, but the second she brought that friend over and started sending you clippings on grandparents rights, her well being became the least of your priorities. It is at a point where it is beyond etiquette. She sounds toxic, and at the point where she is going to switch to more aggressive tactics if the passive stuff doesn't start to work.

[TootsNYC]

My DH has chosen a profession that while respected by most, some believe it to be dangerous to society and believe the people who choose this profession do so in order to exert malevolent power over others.

Your husband is Batman?!?  How cool is that?

Love it! Welcome to the board, Vicky Vale!

[Specky]

She sounds like a member of a particular sect (they roam the streets of a nearby town all dressed alike) we have down here who is mega-anti a certain profession.   My imagination running wild....  I would make sure that my son is protected against this mess.

[zyrs]

No, you were not rude at all.

[cicero]

welcome to the board!

I agree with everyone - you were not rude, your MIL is.

(I am also curious as to what your DH's profession is!)

[Slartibartfast]

(I am also curious as to what your DH's profession is!)

I think I have it narrowed down to police officer or circus clown.  Well, or schoolteacher.  Although there may be other possibilities out there