Author Topic: do I have a right to be upset?  (Read 5843 times)

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kareng57

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #15 on: January 11, 2013, 11:40:46 PM »
Sorry, but I have to agree with PPs.  Your mom is not obligated to arrange her vacation-dates around when you expected to be able to use her car.

SiotehCat

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #16 on: January 11, 2013, 11:43:34 PM »
They do you a favor by giving you the car when they are not home.

I can't rent a car ,I don't have the money for renting. and there is no one else to borrow a car from.  It's impossible for me to keep borrowing the car when she's in the country. She needs a car to get anywhere, even just the house. My parents house is in a very tiny village. To borrow the car when she's here would entail 90 minutes public transport for me to her. for her to pick my up from the train station which is a 20 min drive from her place. then for me to drive 70 minutes back to my place. simply not worth it.

So, you could borrow her car while she's in the country, but it's too inconvenient for you? So then what was it that you expected her to do?

Daydream

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #17 on: January 12, 2013, 01:10:31 AM »
It seems to me that the OP is resigned to not having use of the car and does not expect their mother to change her plans.

Tjika, I'm sorry you are dealing with depression because I know firsthand how hard it can be.  Plus, when one has been looking forward to something and a wrench is thrown into those plans, I'm sure it can be upsetting even when depression is not a factor. 

I certainly do not think it makes you less of an adult to be disappointed in this unexpected change of events, just as it wouldn't make your mother any less of an adult if she were disappointed if the situation was reversed (you having lent her the use of one of your cars, then suddenly announcing you need it during her planned vacation, of which you were already aware).  It's just a natural, human feeling.

There is nothing immature or irresponsible about having a tight budget that does not allow one to suddenly be able to rent a car when they had the reasonable expectation they'd already have the use of one during their vacation.

Im sorry that I can think of no other solution than to tell your mother upfront in a matter-of-fact way that, yes, of course you expected to have use of the car since she was not due back until February.  That's why you chose the vacation days you chose.  That would not be demanding anything of her or acting entitled -- it would just be telling her the truth. 

If she does not offer you the use of the car without insisting on accompanying you everywhere, then I hope you will be able to change your vacation dates without much trouble. 

(I realize that I may have a different interpretation of "being upset" than others.  For me, it means feeling that emotion, but dealing with it internally to find a reasonable solution -- not acting angry, confronting or demanding anything from anyone.  I don't interpret your post as planning to demand anything from your mother.  It seems to be quite the opposite to me.)






« Last Edit: January 12, 2013, 01:42:17 AM by Daydream »

Itza

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #18 on: January 12, 2013, 07:20:18 AM »
It sounds to me like they gave you plenty of notice on this - they told you at Christmas that your mom would be back at the end of January - so really you've had weeks (and still do have weeks) to make alternative arrangements. 

Are you sure your mom wasn't thinking of letting you use the car for a day or two?  I get it she'd be stranded, but maybe she's got plans to just be around the house anyway.  It sort of sounded like she might have been hinting at asking if you need it more then you'd previously mentioned, not so much saying you couldn't use it at all.

I'm pretty sure OP told her parents she had plans for January dates which was ok by them car-wise as OP's mother would be arriving in February. Then OP just received email from her mother saying she was coming the January dates instead when OP had plans which included use of the car.




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peaches

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #19 on: January 12, 2013, 10:22:56 AM »
<bg>my parents currently live abroad. I have been given the use of one of their cars while they are away with the stipulation that my mom gets it when she's in the country. There house has no public transport while I live in a city.

I think this says what is important. You get to use her car when it's available.

The good news is that most of the time, you have access to a valuable amenity without car payments or upkeep (or insurance?).

The bad news is this is dependent on your mother's schedule. It's not dependent on yours.

I would be making plans for the future that didn't involve her car. If she lived entirely abroad, you'd have to use your own resources to get around. Lots of people have jobs and take vacations without owning a car.

I understand your disappointment. I hope you can make a change in your time off this time, and then start planning for a future where you manage your own transportation. At least, that's what I'd do. That way, you don't leave yourself open for more disapointments of this kind.
« Last Edit: January 12, 2013, 10:27:36 AM by peaches »

Cami

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #20 on: January 12, 2013, 10:27:55 AM »
They do you a favor by giving you the car when they are not home.

This is one of the reasons why I feel i shouldn't be upset.

I can't rent a car ,I don't have the money for renting. and there is no one else to borrow a car from.  It's impossible for me to keep borrowing the car when she's in the country. She needs a car to get anywhere, even just the house. My parents house is in a very tiny village. To borrow the car when she's here would entail 90 minutes public transport for me to her. for her to pick my up from the train station which is a 20 min drive from her place. then for me to drive 70 minutes back to my place. simply not worth it.

(Their other car is with them abroad, they can either fly home or drive.)

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Is she normally controlling? 
In some ways. If I ask her to help me with one thing she will immediately latch onto all the other things that need doing and there is no persuading her that now is not the time. There's some flooring I wanted to fix and if she knew that was my plan we'd end up wallpapering and painting parts of the house as well.

more posts while I was typing.

I received the exact dates for February 2 days ago. This is an extra week my mom just threw in because my dad has to go on a business trip and she would be alone.

One truth I've learned in life is that it's best not to make important plans dependent upon others. Especially people who -- like your mother -- feel the need to put their own stamp on every activity or plan. When dealing with people like that, it's better to wait and save to afford everything on my own rather than ask for any help, advice, or participation. It's just easier in the long run because that way I don't get upset or disappointed and I also lessen their ability to affect my life.

GratefulMaria

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #21 on: January 12, 2013, 12:08:11 PM »
There seems to be no question that the mother's need for her own car has priority.  I wonder about the other side of the equation from an etiquette standpoint, though:

"Hello everyone!  I'm looking for opinions about plans to use a car I've been loaning my daughter.  She uses it while I'm living overseas, and I use it when I'm back in HomeCountry.  DH and I were there at the end of December and I'm planning another trip in February.  DD worked around these dates when she scheduled a vacation later on this month.  But now DH is going away for business and I don't want to be alone, so I added a visit to HomeCountry after DD made her vacation plans that needed my car.  I think I'll just go along with her!  What do you think?"

My response to a post like that would be that while the car is indeed mom's, she implied that she wouldn't be needing it during a certain week and the daughter made plans based on that.  I would continue on to say that it might even look as though mom is rescinding on her word (depending on the difference between, "you'll probably be able to use it, but we don't know if we'll be there during that time and may need it" and "oh, we won't be needing it then, we're not coming until February!").  It would perhaps have been thoughtful to consider the daughter's efforts and the role information from mom played in the plans DD made.  Use of the car is dependent on mother's schedule, as a PP stated, but wouldn't we be saying that it would be considerate to give as much notice as possible?  And might not someone suggest that the mother might be pulling strings, i.e. use of a car in exchange for appropriating her daughter's free time?  It's the mother's car, but it's the OP's vacation.

OP knew mom wasn't planning to be around when she made her vacation plans.  Mom knew the OP would be on vacation when she decided to add a trip that required her use of the car.  I don't think the sudden change regarding availability of a car would upset me as much as the mother's seeming opportunism to insinuate herself into my plans.

So, yeah, I'd find a way not to depend on my mother for anything.  As soon as possible.

Hmmmmm

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #22 on: January 12, 2013, 12:45:19 PM »
OP, you mention that you were planning to do some flooring.  Is that during your planned time off?  Where you wanting the car to make purchasing supplies easier?  If so, could you purchase everything before she arrives? 

I think a response back of "Yes, I had planned my vacation dates then because I thought the car would be available.  Do you think I could still use it a couple of days while your here?"

tjika

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #23 on: January 12, 2013, 12:56:55 PM »
It would perhaps have been thoughtful to consider the daughter's efforts and the role information from mom played in the plans DD made.  Use of the car is dependent on mother's schedule, as a PP stated, but wouldn't we be saying that it would be considerate to give as much notice as possible?  And might not someone suggest that the mother might be pulling strings, i.e. use of a car in exchange for appropriating her daughter's free time?  It's the mother's car, but it's the OP's vacation.

OP knew mom wasn't planning to be around when she made her vacation plans.  Mom knew the OP would be on vacation when she decided to add a trip that required her use of the car.  I don't think the sudden change regarding availability of a car would upset me as much as the mother's seeming opportunism to insinuate herself into my plans.

You've hit some key points. I'm disappointed that my mom did not consider me more. After letting my feelings sink in this seems to be one of the key ones. I do believe that she is not doing this out of some sort of spite or control thing. I simply never entered her mind when she decided to book this trip.

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It seems to me that the OP is resigned to not having use of the car and does not expect their mother to change her plans.

Correct

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So, you could borrow her car while she's in the country, but it's too inconvenient for you? So then what was it that you expected her to do?
Not be here until February as was the original plan.

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OP, you mention that you were planning to do some flooring.  Is that during your planned time off?  Where you wanting the car to make purchasing supplies easier?  If so, could you purchase everything before she arrives? 
If my time off can't be changed that is what I'll do for that project. This however is only one of several things I wanted to use the car for.


SoCalVal

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #24 on: January 12, 2013, 01:23:31 PM »
I'd be extremely disappointed, too, and, actually you do have a right to be angry or upset...but at the situation or at yourself, not at your mom.  Your parents stipulated upfront that you may use the car as long as your mother doesn't need it.  It doesn't matter when she notified you she'd be returning home; it doesn't matter that you said you plan to use their car during your vacation.  She wants to be home and, unfortunately, that cancels your option to use their car since she will need it.  You gambled on being able to use their car during your vacation and counted on your mother not returning during that time.  Unfortunately, since your father has a business trip that would leave your mother alone, she decided she'd rather be home during that time.  I realize you don't have the money to rent a car or borrow a car from anyone else, but that's the fault of your planning, not the fault of your parents.

In the future, I'd have an acceptable back-up plan.  I speak from experience, and I've been in your shoes (regarding relying on others in order for my plans to work).  I'm actually in the middle of having a few back-up plans for the logistics of my wedding because I don't trust some of my family members to back out at the last minute (like who something will be assigned to and how DM will get here if YS doesn't show up after all, which I'm anticipating and figuring I won't be told until the day before).  I also used to suffer from depression and would get pretty upset from the disappointment after really looking forward to various plans that didn't happen because of the lack of participation of others.  I learned to stop and ask myself what would happen if these things didn't happen or what would my other options be, and now I don't get so upset.

All said, I'm really sorry things are working out this way for you.  I hope your alternate plans are just as good.



laud_shy_girl

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #25 on: January 12, 2013, 04:01:22 PM »
I disagree with PP who say OP has no right to be disappointed because it's her mother's car.

Her mother agreed to lone her the car and knew that OP was going to be using the car during this time. That is total inconsiderate.

yes your things belong to you, but you have an obligation to follow through if say you will loan it to some one. especially if you made plans together (op and mum talking about when mum was away and when OP will be using the car.)

I am assuming mum and dad leave the car unused for months at a time, unless OP takes it out to drive it. In which case OP is doing Mum and Dad a favor by using the car. Most cars need to be driven in order to keep the engine in working order. So it's not completely altruistic on Mum and Dads part for them to let her use the car.

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miranova

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #26 on: January 12, 2013, 04:14:08 PM »
Ok, I concede that OP can feel disappointed, but upset?  Upset to me implies that you think the other person did you wrong.  I just can't get behind that, especially since the entire agreement was with the stipulation that mom would be able to use her own car when she is home.  This is one of those times.  I just find it hard to understand how OP is perfectly fine using someone else's car for free for most of the year but then gets upset when asked to honor HER end of the deal, which is turning it over when mom is in town.  If OP did not think that arrangment would be suitable or fair, she could have said "no thanks, that's not going to work for me" and bought her own car.  Look, I wouldn't like changing my travel plans either.  I certainly wouldn't want my parents honing in on my travel without being invited.  Which is why I would not put myself in this position in the first place.   I don't want to be dependent on someone else in order to keep my own travel plans.

This situation is only happening because OP is accepting someone's gift that has strings attached.  If you don't want the strings, don't accept the gift.  It really is that simple. 

AnnaJ

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #27 on: January 12, 2013, 04:46:51 PM »
Ok, I concede that OP can feel disappointed, but upset?  Upset to me implies that you think the other person did you wrong.  I just can't get behind that, especially since the entire agreement was with the stipulation that mom would be able to use her own car when she is home.  This is one of those times.  I just find it hard to understand how OP is perfectly fine using someone else's car for free for most of the year but then gets upset when asked to honor HER end of the deal, which is turning it over when mom is in town.  If OP did not think that arrangment would be suitable or fair, she could have said "no thanks, that's not going to work for me" and bought her own car.  Look, I wouldn't like changing my travel plans either.  I certainly wouldn't want my parents honing in on my travel without being invited.  Which is why I would not put myself in this position in the first place.   I don't want to be dependent on someone else in order to keep my own travel plans.

This situation is only happening because OP is accepting someone's gift that has strings attached.  If you don't want the strings, don't accept the gift.  It really is that simple.

^^This^^ 

GSNW

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #28 on: January 12, 2013, 06:51:03 PM »


Her mother agreed to lone her the car and knew that OP was going to be using the car during this time. That is total inconsiderate.

yes your things belong to you, but you have an obligation to follow through if say you will loan it to some one. especially if you made plans together (op and mum talking about when mum was away and when OP will be using the car.)


Not really.  OP is allowed to use the car while parents are out of the country, which happens to be a lot of the time.  This doesn't mean they should have to schedule the use of their own car.  It means OP has to be flexible because the item loaned does not belong to her, nor was it promised for specific dates and times.

Hmmmmm

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #29 on: January 12, 2013, 07:02:55 PM »


Her mother agreed to lone her the car and knew that OP was going to be using the car during this time. That is total inconsiderate.

yes your things belong to you, but you have an obligation to follow through if say you will loan it to some one. especially if you made plans together (op and mum talking about when mum was away and when OP will be using the car.)


Not really.  OP is allowed to use the car while parents are out of the country, which happens to be a lot of the time.  This doesn't mean they should have to schedule the use of their own car.  It means OP has to be flexible because the item loaned does not belong to her, nor was it promised for specific dates and times.

I agree with the above for the most part.  My exception would be if the OP had communicated definitive plans that required the use of the car and then the mother decided at the last minute to change her dates and disrupt the OPs plans.  But the OP didn't tell her mom "Hey, on Jan 21 I'm planning to take off and drive down to the coast to visit BFF for 3 days.  I wanted to make sure you were ok with me taking your car those days.". If themom had responded sure, no problem, but then later called OP up and said "I've decided last minute to come to home country because DH is going to be away and I don't want to stay here alone, sorry about your vacation." I'd think the mom within her right but I would think it very inconsiderate and as the OP I would no longer view the car as at my disposal.