Author Topic: do I have a right to be upset?  (Read 5842 times)

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mharbourgirl

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #30 on: January 13, 2013, 11:21:33 AM »
tjika, you've received lots of good advice here, I just want to add a couple of notes for you to consider going forward:

1 - Make a plan that will enable you to acquire your own car so you won't be dependent on your parents, as the less control they have over your life the better

and

2 - In future, do not ever tell your mother the specific details - location, dates, etc. of anything that's important to you, or at least not until there's no chance she can muck it up, because she WILL throw a spanner in the works and mess it up for you.  You told her exactly when you'd planned your  vacation, and suddenly she can't spend a few days alone so she's going to all the trouble of travelling back home JUST when you had planned to take vacation.  This is not a coincidence, and it's likely if you look back over your life you'll see a great many incidents where she did this exact same thing to you.

In short, take your control back.  Take the reins away from her.  She won't like it, she'll probably lose her mind for a while, but her feelings are not more important than yours, and you have the right to run your own life.

gramma dishes

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #31 on: January 13, 2013, 11:32:20 AM »
...   I have booked some vacation time from my job Jan 22 - Jan 25. i had mentioned this to my mom. I had some tentative plans for myself for which i would need a car, one of which I mentioned to my parents.   ...

...   I just received an email from my mom saying "thought you were rid of my. well i just booked a flight for Jan 20Th - Jan 26Th."    ...

I don't think it's just the loss of the car during that time that is bothering you.  I think it's that you feel it was almost deliberate on your Mother's part that she changed her own plans from February to the exact week you had told her you were off and you would need the car.  It's like she's messing with your plans intentionally.

And you may be right, although she probably isn't seeing it that way.  She may be thinking "Hmmm ... my daughter has those days off and maybe since it's her time off work we can spend some time together!  Yay!!  Time with my daughter!!" ~~  but that wasn't what YOU wanted at all.

I agree with everyone above that you really have no leg to stand on in terms of complaining about not having use of the car.  It is her car, she's nice enough to let you use it most of the time, and she has a right to it when she wants and needs it.  But I also understand your frustration. 

This time rent a car for the thing(s) you need to have a car for (or take a cab or whatever means of transportation you can get) and next time don't tell her your plans for your vacation time.   :-\

Hmmmmm

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #32 on: January 13, 2013, 12:46:37 PM »
tjika, you've received lots of good advice here, I just want to add a couple of notes for you to consider going forward:

1 - Make a plan that will enable you to acquire your own car so you won't be dependent on your parents, as the less control they have over your life the better

and

2 - In future, do not ever tell your mother the specific details - location, dates, etc. of anything that's important to you, or at least not until there's no chance she can muck it up, because she WILL throw a spanner in the works and mess it up for you.  You told her exactly when you'd planned your  vacation, and suddenly she can't spend a few days alone so she's going to all the trouble of travelling back home JUST when you had planned to take vacation.  This is not a coincidence, and it's likely if you look back over your life you'll see a great many incidents where she did this exact same thing to you.

In short, take your control back.  Take the reins away from her.  She won't like it, she'll probably lose her mind for a while, but her feelings are not more important than yours, and you have the right to run your own life.

The OP said she "mentioned" her planned date and "mentioned" her plans to use the car.  To me someone mentioning something is like saying in general conversation "I'm thinking of taking a week off and driving done to the coast around the 22nd."  I may or may not even remember it's been mentioned because it is said in passing.  And I really dislike it when the person comes back later and says "I told you my plans." No, you didn't.  You told me you were thinking about something that may or may not come to fruition.  I don't think we can attribute nefarious motives to the mom with out knowing if the OP explicitly stated her plans to her mom. 

Allyson

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #33 on: January 13, 2013, 01:58:24 PM »
I think it depends a lot on how definite your plans were (from your mom's perspective). She shouldn't have to schedule the use of her own car, no, but if I loan something to someone and say 'you can have this book for two weeks' and then a week later, knowing the person is only half finished reading, say 'no, I want it back!' I think that's a little rude. Yes, it's my *right* and I *can* do that. But then to turn around say 'you can't feel upset about this' seems unfair.

It's a rough situation, because the OP now is in a situation where she either has to flat out say 'No, I need *your* car on these dates' and getting into whatever conflict that would entail, or pretending it wasn't that big a thing, when it probably was.

SoCalVal

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #34 on: January 13, 2013, 03:21:49 PM »
I think it depends a lot on how definite your plans were (from your mom's perspective). She shouldn't have to schedule the use of her own car, no, but if I loan something to someone and say 'you can have this book for two weeks' and then a week later, knowing the person is only half finished reading, say 'no, I want it back!' I think that's a little rude. Yes, it's my *right* and I *can* do that. But then to turn around say 'you can't feel upset about this' seems unfair.

The OP states her parents permitted her to use the car with the stipulation that when the mother is in the country, the OP doesn't get use of the car because her mother needs it.  This isn't the same thing.  The parents didn't say the OP could have the car during those dates then changed the plan on her.  They said when they planned on being back in town and then that changed (and due to her father's business trip).

It's a rough situation, because the OP now is in a situation where she either has to flat out say 'No, I need *your* car on these dates' and getting into whatever conflict that would entail, or pretending it wasn't that big a thing, when it probably was.

This isn't an option as it's not her car, and, again, the stipulation was the mother's need for her own car when she's in the country overrides the OP using the car.

As for the conclusions of PPs that the mother is being manipulative and controlling -- well, I'm going to conclude there have been posts in other threads by the OP that I haven't read because I don't get that from reading this thread, other than the OP's mom maybe wanting to insinuate herself into the OP's alternate vacation plan if the OP shares (which doesn't say manipulative and controlling to me for wanting to do what the OP is doing).  If the OP's mom IS that bad, well, like others have stated, it would be best not to accept such favors anymore if they come at a price.



rashea

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #35 on: January 14, 2013, 11:03:54 AM »
OP, I think it's entirely fair for you to "reserve" dates with the car, if your parents are okay with that. And then it's reasonable to be upset if they back out on those dates. But, that's not what it sounds like happened here. You mentioned that you would be taking a vacation during a period of time. I think you need to make a stronger statement than that. I'd let it go for this round, and next time ask if you can definitely book the car for certain dates.
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