Author Topic: do I have a right to be upset?  (Read 5807 times)

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tjika

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do I have a right to be upset?
« on: January 11, 2013, 05:42:02 PM »
<bg>my parents currently live abroad. I have been given the use of one of their cars while they are away with the stipulation that my mom gets it when she's in the country. There house has no public transport while I live in a city.
I have booked some vacation time from my job Jan 22 - Jan 25. i had mentioned this to my mom. I had some tentative plans for myself for which i would need a car, one of which I mentioned to my parents.
my parents were here over the Christmas holiday and my mom planned to be back in early February.</bg>

I just received an email from my mom saying "thought you were rid of my. well i just booked a flight for Jan 20Th - Jan 26Th."
This means all my plans are down the drain and I'm very upset.
I responded very vaguely to her message saying that was the time i have off.
her : oh sorry, did you need the car?
me: I had some plans but I'll see about changing my time off to the week after.
her: I know you were thinking about thing but were you planning anything else?

I haven't responded. If I tell my mother my tentative plans, she'll want to involve herself, which is not what I want.
I feel like I'm not allowed to be this upset about this sudden change in plans and I need other people's opinion. I have a history with depression which might be affecting me.

yokozbornak

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #1 on: January 11, 2013, 05:55:37 PM »
Since you mentioned the dates you were off, I do understand you being upset.  If possible, I would not change my plans and look into renting a car for those few days.  She can try to intervene with your plans, but you don't have to allow it. 

Is she normally controlling? 

Kaypeep

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #2 on: January 11, 2013, 05:56:01 PM »
I think you have a right to be frustrated because your plans changed, but not to the extent you should be angry or upset with your mother.  She has a right to come and go as she pleases.  They do you a favor by giving you the car when they are not home.  You have options.  You can rent a car if you need to, or borrow from someone else if you must.  Plus, your mom is asking if you need the car.  Maybe she is willing to let you continue borrowing it.   If you don't want her to know your plans, fine.  Just tell her no worries and get the car back to her.  Or, be direct and ask her if it's okay if you keep the car but don't give her your whole itinerary.  Just say you need it for a trip. Also, you say you keep 'their cars while they are away" so do they have more than one?  Maybe your mom can use the other car while you keep this one.

I'm sorry but I don't see this as a situation that requires any emotion beyond some frustration or disappointment, so perhaps your depression is clouding your judgement.  You don't say you will lose money if the trip is cancelled or anything like that, you say you just don't want to tell your mom because she'll "involve" herself.  I'm not sure what that means but you should be able to tell her you need the car and see if something can be worked out.  Otherwise, reschedule or find a rental car.

delabela

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #3 on: January 11, 2013, 05:57:37 PM »
I would be a bit upset.  Can you rent a car and use that to continue your plans? 

WillyNilly

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #4 on: January 11, 2013, 06:07:37 PM »
It sounds to me like they gave you plenty of notice on this - they told you at Christmas that your mom would be back at the end of January - so really you've had weeks (and still do have weeks) to make alternative arrangements. 

Are you sure your mom wasn't thinking of letting you use the car for a day or two?  I get it she'd be stranded, but maybe she's got plans to just be around the house anyway.  It sort of sounded like she might have been hinting at asking if you need it more then you'd previously mentioned, not so much saying you couldn't use it at all.

norrina

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2013, 06:10:28 PM »
It sounds to me like they gave you plenty of notice on this - they told you at Christmas that your mom would be back at the end of January - so really you've had weeks (and still do have weeks) to make alternative arrangements. 

Are you sure your mom wasn't thinking of letting you use the car for a day or two?  I get it she'd be stranded, but maybe she's got plans to just be around the house anyway.  It sort of sounded like she might have been hinting at asking if you need it more then you'd previously mentioned, not so much saying you couldn't use it at all.

I read the OP to say that she was told at Christmas that her mother would be back in early February, booked her vacation for late-ish January to avoid conflict, and has just received notice today that her mom's dates have changed. With mom coming in on January 20, OP only has received 9 days notice.



tjika

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2013, 06:16:53 PM »
They do you a favor by giving you the car when they are not home.

This is one of the reasons why I feel i shouldn't be upset.

I can't rent a car ,I don't have the money for renting. and there is no one else to borrow a car from.  It's impossible for me to keep borrowing the car when she's in the country. She needs a car to get anywhere, even just the house. My parents house is in a very tiny village. To borrow the car when she's here would entail 90 minutes public transport for me to her. for her to pick my up from the train station which is a 20 min drive from her place. then for me to drive 70 minutes back to my place. simply not worth it.

(Their other car is with them abroad, they can either fly home or drive.)

Quote
Is she normally controlling? 
In some ways. If I ask her to help me with one thing she will immediately latch onto all the other things that need doing and there is no persuading her that now is not the time. There's some flooring I wanted to fix and if she knew that was my plan we'd end up wallpapering and painting parts of the house as well.

more posts while I was typing.

I received the exact dates for February 2 days ago. This is an extra week my mom just threw in because my dad has to go on a business trip and she would be alone.
« Last Edit: January 11, 2013, 06:19:30 PM by tjika »

WillyNilly

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #7 on: January 11, 2013, 07:19:47 PM »
It sounds to me like they gave you plenty of notice on this - they told you at Christmas that your mom would be back at the end of January - so really you've had weeks (and still do have weeks) to make alternative arrangements. 

Are you sure your mom wasn't thinking of letting you use the car for a day or two?  I get it she'd be stranded, but maybe she's got plans to just be around the house anyway.  It sort of sounded like she might have been hinting at asking if you need it more then you'd previously mentioned, not so much saying you couldn't use it at all.

I read the OP to say that she was told at Christmas that her mother would be back in early February, booked her vacation for late-ish January to avoid conflict, and has just received notice today that her mom's dates have changed. With mom coming in on January 20, OP only has received 9 days notice.

Sorry I mis-read the OP.


Two Ravens

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #8 on: January 11, 2013, 07:27:44 PM »
You are being too vague with your mother. You keep using the word "tentative" which would make one think the plans can be easily adjusted.

When you found out about your mom's trip, why didn't you just tell her right out, "I was planning to use the car from Day x to z?" Instead you said you would see about changing your plans, which, to me, would make it seem like it is not a big deal. But it is apparently a big deal to you. You shouldn't be upset because your mother didn't read your mind.

TurtleDove

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #9 on: January 11, 2013, 07:59:29 PM »
Posts like these always make me wonder how old the OP is.  OP, if you are not a minor, figure out how to pay for a rental car and don't let your mom interfere with your plans.  Ask if you can use the car on the dates you want it, and if your mom says no, be an adult and figure it out on your own.  In some ways, by expecting your mom to provide you with a car you take the downside of her being perhaps overinvolved in your decisions.

TootsNYC

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #10 on: January 11, 2013, 08:54:10 PM »
I think if the OP said, "I was planning the car for a trip," the mom would say, "Oh, that's fine--I'll just come along." And then there'd be a whole OTHER problem, bcs the OP doesn't want that.

SiotehCat

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #11 on: January 11, 2013, 09:13:10 PM »
You are allowed to feel however you want to feel.

With that being said, this is your mothers car. She should be able to use it whenever she wants. She is already nice enough to let you use it when she's not home.

I think you should reschedule your plans or try to find alternative transportation.

miranova

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #12 on: January 11, 2013, 09:23:29 PM »
Honestly?  No.

It's not your car.  Your mother has every right to use her own car.  She gave you notice, and it's your responsibility to pay for your own vacation, including transportation. 

I could understand being frustrated if you got no notice and if you checked with her to be sure you could use it on that particular week, but you did get notice.  If you can't afford a rental car, you can't afford your vacation. 

I'm sorry but I'm putting myself in your mother's shoes and if I was allowing someone free use of my car for what?  80-90% of the time?  I'd be pretty surprised if they balked at me using my own car when I'm home, especially since that was the deal from the beginning.

Surianne

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #13 on: January 11, 2013, 11:30:44 PM »
Honestly?  No.

It's not your car.  Your mother has every right to use her own car.  She gave you notice, and it's your responsibility to pay for your own vacation, including transportation. 

I could understand being frustrated if you got no notice and if you checked with her to be sure you could use it on that particular week, but you did get notice.  If you can't afford a rental car, you can't afford your vacation. 

I'm sorry but I'm putting myself in your mother's shoes and if I was allowing someone free use of my car for what?  80-90% of the time?  I'd be pretty surprised if they balked at me using my own car when I'm home, especially since that was the deal from the beginning.

I agree with this and similar statements from previous posters.

I don't own a car.  I accept that this is my choice -- there are other things I prioritize in my budget.  It's a pain and my life would be easier if I had a car, but I chose not to buy one.  And this means that if someone loans me their car or offers me a ride, that's a favour and not something I'm entitled to.

It's your mom's car.  She gave you notice and I don't see why she should be expected to give it up during her vacation.

Change your tentative plans, if they can be only accomplished with access to a car, or make plans to budget your money to rent a car or take a cab.

Roe

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Re: do I have a right to be upset?
« Reply #14 on: January 11, 2013, 11:36:31 PM »
I can understand your disappointment but it's not your car so no, you have no right to be angry or upset about it.  The car doesn't belong to you.  They let you borrow it when they don't need it but your mom will need it that week.

Having said all that, I do understand your disappointment.