Author Topic: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?  (Read 7924 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

cicero

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 17756
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #15 on: January 14, 2013, 05:10:17 AM »
b) I don't know how they could have had a "long day" but maybe they had a bad morning because this happened around 9a.m.


I don't know about them, but i assure you that there are people (myself included) for whom 9 AM is halfway through the day...

I [usually] wake up at 5-5.30, quick shower/coffee and go to the gym. Leave the gym around 8. get to work (depending on traffic) between 8.30-9 (either two busses or one bus and walk). so yeah, by 9 am I've done almost a full day's work, got annoyed by gym ladies, and had to battle my way on public transportation...

            Created by MyFitnessPal.com - Free Weight Loss Tools

Danika

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 1946
  • I'm not speeding. I'm qualifying.
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #16 on: January 14, 2013, 06:20:55 AM »
After a while I realised that me saying something was not stopping the tantrum at all and was giving fuel by giving attention. I was *only* saying it in order to show bystanders that I was trying to do something.

I have two little kids and I find that I do this often. Either way, the tantrums don't cease, but at least, all the onlookers seem appeased by my efforts.

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5462
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #17 on: January 14, 2013, 10:10:22 AM »
After a while I realised that me saying something was not stopping the tantrum at all and was giving fuel by giving attention. I was *only* saying it in order to show bystanders that I was trying to do something.

I have two little kids and I find that I do this often. Either way, the tantrums don't cease, but at least, all the onlookers seem appeased by my efforts.

As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

sammycat

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6090
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #18 on: January 14, 2013, 09:12:52 PM »
As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.

I agree.

As for the bus, I do think it was extremely rude and inconsiderate of the mother to allow her child to take up 2 seats on a crowded bus.

bansidhe

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2073
    • The Menagerie
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #19 on: January 14, 2013, 10:31:54 PM »
As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.

Oh, good. I thought I was going to be the only one in this camp. I think it's fine to use whatever parenting technique works best for you when your child isn't making life unpleasant for others. When the kid's behavior has a negative impact on other people, however, it seems like the best strategy is to remove yourself (and the kid) from the area or at least make every effort to get the kid to be quiet.

I - along with a store full of other people - was recently treated to a jet-engine-decibel-level screaming fit courtesy of a small child whose mother dawdled along the aisles at a leisurely pace, making no effort to leave the store, get out of the place in a hurry, or quiet the child. It went on for the entire 15 minutes I was in the store and people were quite obviously supremely annoyed. Some loud, non-ehell-approved comments were made... The mother may have great success with ignoring tantrums, but the rest of us sure couldn't ignore it.
Esan ozenki!

Arizona

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6552
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #20 on: January 15, 2013, 08:24:47 AM »
As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.

Oh, good. I thought I was going to be the only one in this camp. I think it's fine to use whatever parenting technique works best for you when your child isn't making life unpleasant for others. When the kid's behavior has a negative impact on other people, however, it seems like the best strategy is to remove yourself (and the kid) from the area or at least make every effort to get the kid to be quiet.

I - along with a store full of other people - was recently treated to a jet-engine-decibel-level screaming fit courtesy of a small child whose mother dawdled along the aisles at a leisurely pace, making no effort to leave the store, get out of the place in a hurry, or quiet the child. It went on for the entire 15 minutes I was in the store and people were quite obviously supremely annoyed. Some loud, non-ehell-approved comments were made... The mother may have great success with ignoring tantrums, but the rest of us sure couldn't ignore it.

I think this example is very different.  In your example the mom has a very valid option of leaving the store.  I think everyone agrees a parent should remove rhe child when possible. In the OP, the moms option to remove the child from public would mean she waited somewhere other than the bus stop and then didnt take the bus.

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5462
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #21 on: January 15, 2013, 09:17:54 AM »
As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.

Oh, good. I thought I was going to be the only one in this camp. I think it's fine to use whatever parenting technique works best for you when your child isn't making life unpleasant for others. When the kid's behavior has a negative impact on other people, however, it seems like the best strategy is to remove yourself (and the kid) from the area or at least make every effort to get the kid to be quiet.

I - along with a store full of other people - was recently treated to a jet-engine-decibel-level screaming fit courtesy of a small child whose mother dawdled along the aisles at a leisurely pace, making no effort to leave the store, get out of the place in a hurry, or quiet the child. It went on for the entire 15 minutes I was in the store and people were quite obviously supremely annoyed. Some loud, non-ehell-approved comments were made... The mother may have great success with ignoring tantrums, but the rest of us sure couldn't ignore it.

I think this example is very different.  In your example the mom has a very valid option of leaving the store.  I think everyone agrees a parent should remove rhe child when possible. In the OP, the moms option to remove the child from public would mean she waited somewhere other than the bus stop and then didnt take the bus.

Why should the public suffer from that?  The mom could have moved down the street where no one else was standing/waiting and watched for the bus arriving.  She could have also at least attempted to quiet her child to let the public know she was trying.  That makes a big difference.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Hmmmmm

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6552
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2013, 09:25:21 AM »
As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.

Oh, good. I thought I was going to be the only one in this camp. I think it's fine to use whatever parenting technique works best for you when your child isn't making life unpleasant for others. When the kid's behavior has a negative impact on other people, however, it seems like the best strategy is to remove yourself (and the kid) from the area or at least make every effort to get the kid to be quiet.

I - along with a store full of other people - was recently treated to a jet-engine-decibel-level screaming fit courtesy of a small child whose mother dawdled along the aisles at a leisurely pace, making no effort to leave the store, get out of the place in a hurry, or quiet the child. It went on for the entire 15 minutes I was in the store and people were quite obviously supremely annoyed. Some loud, non-ehell-approved comments were made... The mother may have great success with ignoring tantrums, but the rest of us sure couldn't ignore it.

I think this example is very different.  In your example the mom has a very valid option of leaving the store.  I think everyone agrees a parent should remove rhe child when possible. In the OP, the moms option to remove the child from public would mean she waited somewhere other than the bus stop and then didnt take the bus.

Why should the public suffer from that?  The mom could have moved down the street where no one else was standing/waiting and watched for the bus arriving.  She could have also at least attempted to quiet her child to let the public know she was trying.  That makes a big difference.

We don't really know what the mom had tried before the OP arrived at the bus stop.  What she witnessed could have been the very end of a major meltdown that the mom had reduced and felt further acknowlegement would create a spark again. 

I truly tried and in most cases succeeded in keeping my kids from creating an uncomfortable environment to others.  But I was not ever going to base my parenting decisions on how a random stranger was going to judge me. 

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5462
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #23 on: January 15, 2013, 09:39:05 AM »
As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.

Oh, good. I thought I was going to be the only one in this camp. I think it's fine to use whatever parenting technique works best for you when your child isn't making life unpleasant for others. When the kid's behavior has a negative impact on other people, however, it seems like the best strategy is to remove yourself (and the kid) from the area or at least make every effort to get the kid to be quiet.

I - along with a store full of other people - was recently treated to a jet-engine-decibel-level screaming fit courtesy of a small child whose mother dawdled along the aisles at a leisurely pace, making no effort to leave the store, get out of the place in a hurry, or quiet the child. It went on for the entire 15 minutes I was in the store and people were quite obviously supremely annoyed. Some loud, non-ehell-approved comments were made... The mother may have great success with ignoring tantrums, but the rest of us sure couldn't ignore it.

I think this example is very different.  In your example the mom has a very valid option of leaving the store.  I think everyone agrees a parent should remove rhe child when possible. In the OP, the moms option to remove the child from public would mean she waited somewhere other than the bus stop and then didnt take the bus.

Why should the public suffer from that?  The mom could have moved down the street where no one else was standing/waiting and watched for the bus arriving.  She could have also at least attempted to quiet her child to let the public know she was trying.  That makes a big difference.

We don't really know what the mom had tried before the OP arrived at the bus stop.  What she witnessed could have been the very end of a major meltdown that the mom had reduced and felt further acknowlegement would create a spark again. 

I truly tried and in most cases succeeded in keeping my kids from creating an uncomfortable environment to others.  But I was not ever going to base my parenting decisions on how a random stranger was going to judge me.

It's not about judgement, it's about respecting the space of those around you.  It's no different than talking during a movie because there is no respect for the people around you (all yous general).

You're right, we don't know what the mother tried, but she, out of respect for a stranger, should have at least tried something else to keep her daughter quiet to show that she was aware her daughter was being rude and was actively trying to stop it.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

perpetua

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 2156
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #24 on: January 15, 2013, 09:41:22 AM »
After a while I realised that me saying something was not stopping the tantrum at all and was giving fuel by giving attention. I was *only* saying it in order to show bystanders that I was trying to do something.

I have two little kids and I find that I do this often. Either way, the tantrums don't cease, but at least, all the onlookers seem appeased by my efforts.

As long as I can tell the parent is trying, I don't get nearly annoyed as I would if the parent was ignoring the child and letting me have to deal with the consequences.  It may not be what will work in the long run, but don't let strangers suffer because your (general) child is having a tantrum.

I agree. I'm sure letting a tantrum play out without reward is ultimately more productive for the parents, but it comes at the expense of making everyone else's life difficult. Well, no. I don't wish to have my day ruined because someone's child is having a tantrum and the parent refuses to do anything about it.

If that parenting method works best for you (you general) then great - but use it in your own home. It's far politer not to inflict it on the rest of the world.

Roe

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 6464
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #25 on: January 15, 2013, 09:46:47 AM »
There are so many factors when it comes to a child's discipline and you weren't privy to them so judging the mother isn't the way to go. 

From your description, it does sound as if the child has a developmental delay as I can't imagine a 10y/o sucking their thumb or having that kind of a tantrum.  I'd give the mom a break and Thank God that you only had to listen to the tantrum for a few minutes before the bus arrived. 

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5462
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #26 on: January 15, 2013, 10:05:16 AM »
There are so many factors when it comes to a child's discipline and you weren't privy to them so judging the mother isn't the way to go. 

From your description, it does sound as if the child has a developmental delay as I can't imagine a 10y/o sucking their thumb or having that kind of a tantrum.  I'd give the mom a break and Thank God that you only had to listen to the tantrum for a few minutes before the bus arrived.

We're only judging the parent for being rude, not on parenting techniques. 
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

CaptainObvious

  • Member
  • **
  • Posts: 236
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #27 on: January 15, 2013, 10:36:35 AM »
There are so many factors when it comes to a child's discipline and you weren't privy to them so judging the mother isn't the way to go. 

From your description, it does sound as if the child has a developmental delay as I can't imagine a 10y/o sucking their thumb or having that kind of a tantrum.  I'd give the mom a break and Thank God that you only had to listen to the tantrum for a few minutes before the bus arrived.

We're only judging the parent for being rude, not on parenting techniques.

I'm genuinely curious and not being snarky, but how do you seperate the two. They go hand in hand, and any rudeness would be a direct result of her parenting technique.

Mental Magpie

  • Super Hero!
  • ****
  • Posts: 5462
  • ...for the dark side looks back.
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #28 on: January 15, 2013, 10:44:15 AM »
There are so many factors when it comes to a child's discipline and you weren't privy to them so judging the mother isn't the way to go. 

From your description, it does sound as if the child has a developmental delay as I can't imagine a 10y/o sucking their thumb or having that kind of a tantrum.  I'd give the mom a break and Thank God that you only had to listen to the tantrum for a few minutes before the bus arrived.

We're only judging the parent for being rude, not on parenting techniques.

I'm genuinely curious and not being snarky, but how do you seperate the two. They go hand in hand, and any rudeness would be a direct result of her parenting technique.

I am not evaluating her ability to parent or her worth as a parent, I am evaluating how she behaves towards strangers and how much she respects those around her.  While one may be the direct result of the other, I am only looking at the effect, not the cause.  How?  For all I know she's having a very bad day with a very difficult child.  She may be at her wits end and can't just deal anymore.  That doesn't make her a bad parent.  The effects of her having a bad day, however, make her rude towards the OP.
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

Judah

  • Hero Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 4769
  • California, U.S.A
Re: Parenting in public - was there a misstep here?
« Reply #29 on: January 15, 2013, 10:48:02 AM »
I would file this is the "Annoying, but not rude" category. I don't think it's reasonable to expect to go through life never being annoyed by other people. Sure, we should try to mitigate our impact on those around us, but it's not always possible.

It sounds like this little girl was exhausted and I don't see what the mother could have done to make it better. It's very probable that not getting on the bus was not an option, and nagging an exhausted kid is useless, so what was the mother supposed to do?
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one:
Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work.
Really obvious hints don't work.
Just say it!

-The Car Talk Guys