Technology Multitasking

[Venus193]

Yes, I did check it because of her distracted manner.  Knowing her past history of paying more attention to television than to our conversation it was a knee-jerk reaction.

Which does not mean that I continued to read or started posting anything.

[Moray]

That is an interesting assumption.

My computer is on all day if I'm home.  I don't log on just to check on this; I'm on this site, my blog, Monster, and other things.  I don't read internet stuff during phone conversations unless it's something I'm sharing with my conversation partner.

I can see if something new happens without being on that page; the tab shows numbers.

The Facebook reference is about the fact that -- unlike a television program that's on the air at the moment -- it will always be there.

What's so interesting about it? I can only go off what you post, and what you posted was that you checked FB to confirm that she was on FB. No assumptions there.

Yes, I did check it because of her distracted manner.  Knowing her past history of paying more attention to television than to our conversation it was a knee-jerk reaction.

Which does not mean that I continued to read or started posting anything.

So you tried to catch her in the act? I'm confused. Why does it matter why someone is distracted? Shouldn't you just address that they are distracted?

[sourwolf]

Yes, I did check it because of her distracted manner.  Knowing her past history of paying more attention to television than to our conversation it was a knee-jerk reaction.

Which does not mean that I continued to read or started posting anything.

No one said you did.

[Venus193]

The whole point of this discussion is to find out if there is a polite way to address this.

Just in case it wasn't clear, Facebook isn't a red herring.  It will always be there vs a television or radio program that will air once with no repeats (when the viewer doesn't have a recording device or there is no repeat showing).

[Mental Magpie]

Yes, I did check it because of her distracted manner.  Knowing her past history of paying more attention to television than to our conversation it was a knee-jerk reaction.

Which does not mean that I continued to read or started posting anything.

No one said you did.

Though it was heavily implied.  The OP is complaining about her friend being distracted during conversation; the only way it would be hypocritical is if the OP was also distracted during conversation.  By what the friend is distracted is a red herring.  The OP knows her friend is distracted, by what doesn't matter.

Let's focus on the actual problem, which is that the OP's phone partner is distracted during their conversations and the OP doesn't like it (and I wouldn't, either).  OP, I still suggest what I suggest earlier, that you end the conversation and pretty much tell your friend why.

Facebook is a red herring because it doesn't matter by what the friend is being distracted, whether it is static or not.  If she can't miss the TV show, she shouldn't answer the phone.  Priorities.

[Moray]

The whole point of this discussion is to find out if there is a polite way to address this.

Just in case it wasn't clear, Facebook isn't a red herring.  It will always be there vs a television or radio program that will air once with no repeats (when the viewer doesn't have a recording device or there is no repeat showing).

Sure there is. We're just saying that the way you address it has nothing to do with FB. For example, you can say "Hey, Friend, you seem distracted. Let's talk another time."

Because really, what they're doing (being on FB, watching TV, reading a book, vacuuming the cat, etc.) isn't any of your business. At all. What is your business is that they're being rude/distracted during your conversation. So address that and that alone.

[CaptainObvious]

The whole point of this discussion is to find out if there is a polite way to address this.

Just in case it wasn't clear, Facebook isn't a red herring.  It will always be there vs a television or radio program that will air once with no repeats (when the viewer doesn't have a recording device or there is no repeat showing).

If it is always something, then I'm not sure what you can do? Unless you speak up and tell her that you believe her to be distracted and not paying attention, then I would stop calling. It sounds like a one-way conversation and you need to decide if it is worth it to continue on.

[TurtleDove]

The whole point of this discussion is to find out if there is a polite way to address this.

Just in case it wasn't clear, Facebook isn't a red herring.  It will always be there vs a television or radio program that will air once with no repeats (when the viewer doesn't have a recording device or there is no repeat showing).

I am not following.  People have provided you with polite ways to address someone being distracted.  I think some of us find it odd that you would try to "trap" a friend, but especially because you are doing the same thing they are.  I think many people can multitask - I am one of them, and I perform quite well while multitasking.  Some people cannot focus regardless of what else they are doing (because they have a headache, or there is a mosquito buzzing, or ____), and some people simply are not interested in talking on the phone (I do not enjoy talking on the phone recreationally).  If someone does not seem to be paying attention, mention you notice and suggest you talk another time.  But don't make it about, "I checked and I know you were on facebook when you should have been focusing your attention solely on me" because that makes you come across as petty and hypocritical, in my opinion.

When I do talk on the phone, I am almost always also walking for exercise, watering plants, sweeping, folding clothes, paying bills, doing dishes, etc.  This helps me focus and not seek to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

[sourwolf]

The whole point of this discussion is to find out if there is a polite way to address this.

Just in case it wasn't clear, Facebook isn't a red herring.  It will always be there vs a television or radio program that will air once with no repeats (when the viewer doesn't have a recording device or there is no repeat showing).

I am not following.  People have provided you with polite ways to address someone being distracted.  I think some of us find it odd that you would try to "trap" a friend, but especially because you are doing the same thing they are.  I think many people can multitask - I am one of them, and I perform quite well while multitasking.  Some people cannot focus regardless of what else they are doing (because they have a headache, or there is a mosquito buzzing, or ____), and some people simply are not interested in talking on the phone (I do not enjoy talking on the phone recreationally).  If someone does not seem to be paying attention, mention you notice and suggest you talk another time.  But don't make it about, "I checked and I know you were on facebook when you should have been focusing your attention solely on me" because that makes you come across as petty and hypocritical, in my opinion.

When I do talk on the phone, I am almost always also walking for exercise, watering plants, sweeping, folding clothes, paying bills, doing dishes, etc.  This helps me focus and not seek to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

Yes, thank you Turtledove for being more precise than I was.

[CaptainObvious]

From reading your posts, it seems as though you dislike a lot of modern technology, or are annoyed by it.

Multi-tasking may not be the most polite thing, but it is very common. At some point the burden falls on us to change our ways or expectations. Cell phones and FB are not going away, and there will be other things coming out to create even more distractions. The days of sitting around having long chats are becoming extinct.

[Iris]

The whole point of this discussion is to find out if there is a polite way to address this.

Just in case it wasn't clear, Facebook isn't a red herring.  It will always be there vs a television or radio program that will air once with no repeats (when the viewer doesn't have a recording device or there is no repeat showing).

I am not following.  People have provided you with polite ways to address someone being distracted.  I think some of us find it odd that you would try to "trap" a friend, but especially because you are doing the same thing they are.  I think many people can multitask - I am one of them, and I perform quite well while multitasking.  Some people cannot focus regardless of what else they are doing (because they have a headache, or there is a mosquito buzzing, or ____), and some people simply are not interested in talking on the phone (I do not enjoy talking on the phone recreationally).  If someone does not seem to be paying attention, mention you notice and suggest you talk another time.  But don't make it about, "I checked and I know you were on facebook when you should have been focusing your attention solely on me" because that makes you come across as petty and hypocritical, in my opinion.

When I do talk on the phone, I am almost always also walking for exercise, watering plants, sweeping, folding clothes, paying bills, doing dishes, etc.  This helps me focus and not seek to get off the phone as quickly as possible.

Going off on a tangent for a moment, I am not anti technology at all or anti multi-tasking but I think that people have to be aware of what TYPES of tasks they combine. For example I think walking, watering plants, sweeping, folding clothes etc are perfectly fine tasks that most people (including me) can combine with talking on the phone because talking on the phone is a higher order cognitive/verbal task while the others are lower order cognitive/physical tasks. The only one that surprises me from your list is paying bills because I would have thought checking amounts, balancing etc were higher order processes. I believe you that you can do it, of course, but perhaps you have better than average left/right brain separation or something. Emailing, facebooking etc all require a reasonable amount of engagement with the verbal/social areas of you brain, i.e. the exact same areas as required for a phone call so I think they can be combined with less success. Similarly I don't think we would expect someone to read a book and carry on a fully attentive phone conversation at the same time.

Anyway, that's just a long way to say that I agree with Mental Magpie. The issue here is that friend is distracted, the reason for the distraction is irrelevant. Personally I would go with "I can tell you're busy. Let's chat another time."

[Kaypeep]

If you've been on the phone for awhile and this happens, I'd say maybe the conversation has died a natural death so just end the call and in the future, keep the calls shorter.

If your friend is like this from the start, then she's not the type to stay focused and if she's been like this for years, she's probably not going to change.  So accept it and maybe only talk to her in person.  Or, IM her on FB and have an online conversation if she's more inclined to participate if she has to focus harder because she's typing.

If you want to say something, then say something.  But I'd try to say something meaningful like "When I was talking to you about how sad I was over the Newtown shooting, and how my job search is so hard at this time of year, I was very hurt that you seemed distracted by the computer and weren't fully "into" the conversation." instead of just pointing out she's not participating.  I'm curious though, if she's distracted listening to you, does she talk at all herself?  Or is the conversation more one sided on your part?  Maybe she's just not a phone person.

[Yvaine]

The whole point of this discussion is to find out if there is a polite way to address this.

Just in case it wasn't clear, Facebook isn't a red herring.  It will always be there vs a television or radio program that will air once with no repeats (when the viewer doesn't have a recording device or there is no repeat showing).

Sure there is. We're just saying that the way you address it has nothing to do with FB. For example, you can say "Hey, Friend, you seem distracted. Let's talk another time."

Because really, what they're doing (being on FB, watching TV, reading a book, vacuuming the cat, etc.) isn't any of your business. At all. What is your business is that they're being rude/distracted during your conversation. So address that and that alone.

Yeah, this. I had a friend back in the nineties who would talk on the phone while watching TV, and gradually she'd just pay less and less attention while spending more and more time absently narrating what was on TV.  There was no Facebook then. Some people just don't have a long attention span for the phone, or in general, or on a particular day.

And I agree with PPs, checking Facebook to see if they're on Facebook does make a dent in one's room to talk.

[Sign Of The Times]

Venus in general it's rude, but why are you on the phone? Is this a personal call or something less personal (like business or obligatory what-not)?

My father calls me far, far too often. He's an old lonely man (long story). In general I wouldn't be multi-tasking with someone on the phone, but for him yes I will.

If he doesn't like it, he can call less frequently.

[Venus193]

It was a personal call to a friend who moved 8.5 years ago.  We had not spoken in about two weeks.