Oh mothers, or "I think I can dress myself, Mom"

[TurtleDove]

I feel bad for all of the posters who have had to deal with criticism/comments from parents! Growing up, I would occasionally ask my dad what he thought of a particular outfit.  A typical response would be, "Well, I wouldn't wear it, but I'm not a 16 year old girl."  WIN!!!!

[TootsNYC]

It's not all moms. My mom didn't do it; I don't do it.

But moms *do* feel that we are judged by how our children dress. And we are.

(I always wanted to give my little kids a button to wear that said, 'I dressed myself'--first to motivate them to do it, and then to point out that THEY get the blame for wearing stripes with plaids, etc.)

As for how to respond, I like Oh Joy's suggestion.

I also suggest you be affectionately amused. She loves you; she feels tightly linked to you--those are good things. She's mentally stuck in her image of you--that's sort of funny. (Or, it can be if you LET it be, if you let go of it.)

As for degree of financial independence--once modesty and basic respect are met, it's not your mom's business. I feel that until my kids are about 20 (one is 18 right now), I have a right to say, "that's not appropriate attire for dinner at someone's house//church/a funeral--go put on a shirt with a collar/suit/something fancier."

And the only time I think money enters into it is this one: "Don't you dare wear your good shirt to go work on the car!"

[RebeccainGA]

Oh, we had epic fights when I was younger - I wore (very conservative) clothes, but mostly in black, and dressed like I was in my 30s at 16 - having a body that looked that 21+ didn't help their alarm.

Now it's not such an issue - I am probably better dressed than mom or my sister. They acknowledge it. But there were times back when I was younger that I didn't think I'd make it to 17 in one piece...

[suzieQ]

It's not all moms. My mom didn't do it; I don't do it.

But moms *do* feel that we are judged by how our children dress. And we are.

Bwahahaha! Good thing I don't feel that way, since I once took DS to school in nothing but his underwear! He refused to get dressed, so I put him (and clothes for him to wear) into the car and headed to school When we were pulling into the parking lot, he did decide he would get dressed after all. 

[TurtleDove]

Bwahahaha! Good thing I don't feel that way, since I once took DS to school in nothing but his underwear! He refused to get dressed, so I put him (and clothes for him to wear) into the car and headed to school When we were pulling into the parking lot, he did decide he would get dressed after all. 

Love this!

[ladyknight1]

I will be 44 this week, and my mom still says things like this to me.

"Women who get cleaned up, fix their hair and makeup, and dress nice make their husbands happy."   
"I hate seeing women dressed slouchy."

Slouchy was how I was referred to by my mom for at least five years. She wonders why I moved away.

[ladyknight1]

I have some of the same issues with my mom. I am a bit fluffy, so I prefer to wear black, brown, navy, etc. on my bottom half. I also like black, but certainly don't wear it every day. I like bright colors as well!  Yet it seems like she's always looking at what I have one, and either commenting "black again?" or "so nice to see you in colors!"

She also doesn't get that things have changed since I started working 25 years ago. Back then, I dressed up more for work, nice skirts and pants, jackets, and sweaters. and an occasional suit. Now, its all business casual, but that doesn't stop her, when we're shopping, on looking at suits for me. Even though I've told her over and over no one where I work wears them, so I don't NEEEED one.

She is also funny about jeans, and also about "looking nice" for holidays. I got her one year though. We used to go to friends every thanksgiving, and they have two daughters about my age. She was insistent that I "look nice" so I wore nice wool pants, with a top and jacket. The other two? Khakis and a nice tee, and the other had jeans on!  So after that I finally put my foot down and said you know waht, as long as its not ripped, stained, showing too much, if  Iwant to dress more casually, I'm going to so I don't look like an idiot.

I sympathize as I am fluffy as well. I bought suits about 15 years ago, and if I wore one to work, I would stick out like a sore thumb. Separates are your friend if you work in the modern business world outside of very formal offices. I have a black jacket that stays at work and I can throw that on over my  usual pants or skirt and simple top. i wear bright bold colors, as pastels wash me out.

[Piratelvr1121]

I'll admit to getting after my own kids for their choices of clothing, but in my defense it's only when they want to wear shorts and/or short sleeves and no coat outside when it's 40 or below.  Or if they try to wear the same shirt two days in a row, or holey jeans to church. 

And yes, they have tried the "But mom they're church pants, cause they're holely!" joke.  I laughed as I was handing them pants without holes.

[Eeep!]

This thread has made me realize that my mom was actually pretty awesome when it came to me and my sister.  She's a bit of an individualist herself, so that probably helped.

But my FIL is like this.  Not with me but with my SIL and my DH.  He always wants my SIL to dress more feminine.  Not that she dresses masculine, but she is more a khakis/polos for work, jeans and cute v-necks for home, type girl.  He also really wants my DH to dress up more for work.  He subscribes to the whole "dress how you want to be perceived/job you want to have" way of thinking.  Which has merit.  But when you work in the tech field, as my DH does, shorts and tees are pretty much the norm.  Even his bosses wear them.  DH wears a lot of short sleeved plaid shirts, so that right there makes him more dressed up than a lot of his colleagues.  But his dad keeps buying him dressier shirts. (At least he doesn't by him actual dress shirts and ties.)  He doesn't quite get that if Jon dressed the way he would like him to he would be fielding "so where are you interviewing" questions all day long. heh.

[nuit93]

Oh, did this ever bring back memories!

I was a curvy teenager (36-26-40 when I graduated), and mom always seemed ashamed of that (her husband was worse).  I wasn't slender or athletic and I didn't obsess about diets or being thin.  To compensate, she always tried to dress me in more 'matronly' (or as she put it, 'flattering') clothing rather than the trendy stuff my peers were wearing. 

Spaghetti strap tank tops were RIGHT out, as were jeans with any kind of low rise (ugh...mom jeans at 16).  And of course, control top pantyhose for anything formal.

[Piratelvr1121]

Not so much a clothes thing but I always got pressure to tan or at least use self tanner from my mom's sisters because apparently seeing me in anything showing off my belly and thighs gave them snow blindness.    My mother and sisters are 1/2 Italian and got the olive skin tone and ability to tan to a nut brown.  I, being 1/2 Irish, take after my dad's side of the family, which means I turn into a lobster if I don't wear sunscreen, and I don't really tan, I freckle. 

[ladyknight1]

I was considered low class as a teenager, because I didn't patronize the tanning salon or "lay out". Instead, I moisturized and lived my life the way I wanted. When my twentieth high school reunion came around, all of the girls and guys who were always tanned had leathery, wrinkled skin (at age 38!). I don't mind that I was never popular in high school, it wasn't the best time of my life.

[Piratelvr1121]

I look at my mother's sisters now and they do look older than they are.   One of them is the same age as my best friend and looks at least 5 years older just for the fact that she's been slathering on the tanning oil for most of her life, whereas best friend, like me, turns into a lobster and just can't tan at all.

And I did try self tanner once and didn't like how it looked.

[Yvaine]

I got some of the tan pressure too--all from my mom's side of the family, where people have a medium skin tone and turn a nice golden brown. But I inherited the skin from my dad's side of the family. I do not tan; I turn into a boiled lobster.

[JeseC]

It's not all moms. My mom didn't do it; I don't do it.

But moms *do* feel that we are judged by how our children dress. And we are.

(I always wanted to give my little kids a button to wear that said, 'I dressed myself'--first to motivate them to do it, and then to point out that THEY get the blame for wearing stripes with plaids, etc.)

As for how to respond, I like Oh Joy's suggestion.

I also suggest you be affectionately amused. She loves you; she feels tightly linked to you--those are good things. She's mentally stuck in her image of you--that's sort of funny. (Or, it can be if you LET it be, if you let go of it.)

I would say the "letting go of it" also depends on just how, well, pushy or intense your mother can be about it.  Once it gets to remarks like "how could you do this to me?" or "aren't you too old to be indulging in this childish rebellion?" it stops being amusing.  (My mother and I eventually had a good long talk about minding her own business.)