Hypothetical teen parenting question

[QueenofAllThings]

I thought of this often back when.  I have three boys, all 6'5", and I couldn't stop them if I wanted to.

First, a big POD to Cami's post. None of them has ever pulled this, and I hope it has something to do with our parenting. 

Secondly, consequences.  I can take away car keys (and have) but they will always have friends willing to pick them up. Taking away the phone (or canceling the service) works. Mostly, I think with my boys the best thing was letting them know how disappointed we would be.  Guilt works wonders!

[MOM21SON]

I thought of this often back when.  I have three boys, all 6'5", and I couldn't stop them if I wanted to.

First, a big POD to Cami's post. None of them has ever pulled this, and I hope it has something to do with our parenting. 

Secondly, consequences.  I can take away car keys (and have) but they will always have friends willing to pick them up. Taking away the phone (or canceling the service) works. Mostly, I think with my boys the best thing was letting them know how disappointed we would be.  Guilt works wonders!

Oh yes, I know we hit a nerve when we have told DS how disappointed we were.  Thankfully, it has been few and far between.

[IslandMama]

3. Tailor the discipline/parenting style to the individual child. For example -- logical consequences did not work with my dd. She could figure out -- from a very young age -- what a logical consequence would be and would convince herself that paying the price would be worth it. She also has a strong need to predict what will happen in a given situation. So what worked with her was getting her off balance by using consequences she could never imagine. Doing so provided a strong disincentive to make the wrong choice.  For HER. Another kid might do better with a different style.

Care to share some?  I can see that my DD might be a bit similar.  She's only seven at the moment but any ideas are welcome. 

[jpcher]

I think the keys are to handling these situations start long before the kid is a teenager with crazy hormones and natural rebellion:

1. Establish a relationship early on in which the parents are the boss and kids must be respectful. I saw so  many parents mystified and shocked when their little terrors turned out to be big terrors. You can't make a teenager treat you with respect or obey your rules if they didn't when they were 5.

I think this is key. Add to that, the child should know that he/she is respected by you. Its a two way street.

There were only a few times when I had to enforce the consequences (bu-bye cell phones/tv/computer or hello extra chores.) Whenever punishments were dealt out there was always a two-way conversation so that we understood each side of the story. Mom still almost always won;), but at least the child felt respected and understood enough to have her say.

[Mikayla]

Great thread!   I have 4 sibs and 1 cousin who counts as one.  Between the 5 of them, I have about 16 neices/nephews in the tween/teen age group.  It's been fascinating for me to compare parenting styles.

We were raised like Momto1son and I appreciated it even then!  Of course all of us tested the boundaries, just to make sure.  And we learned quickly why this wasn't smart.  There was only one rule in our house, and it was "obey your parents".   This was a pretty good catchall for everything.

Consistency is so important.  Take backtalk.  My 2 brothers have a zero tolerance policy.  It almost never happens, because these kids know there will be quick consequences.  So they're very respectful.  My sister, about whom I've started at least one thread in here, is a very different parent.  Her kids are a little younger, but so disrespectful and full of backtalk.  Nine times out of 10, her response is "Stop with the lip".  The other time the response is:  "If you don't stop with the lip, you're not getting dessert". 

Neither is discipline, and neither is consistent.  And "the lip" gets worse by the day.

[Kimblee]

I think the keys are to handling these situations start long before the kid is a teenager with crazy hormones and natural rebellion:

1. Establish a relationship early on in which the parents are the boss and kids must be respectful. I saw so  many parents mystified and shocked when their little terrors turned out to be big terrors. You can't make a teenager treat you with respect or obey your rules if they didn't when they were 5.

I think this is key. Add to that, the child should know that he/she is respected by you. Its a two way street.

There were only a few times when I had to enforce the consequences (bu-bye cell phones/tv/computer or hello extra chores.) Whenever punishments were dealt out there was always a two-way conversation so that we understood each side of the story. Mom still almost always won;), but at least the child felt respected and understood enough to have her say.

To me, this is the most important part of disipline, and why my strict uncle has (well behaved) kids who respect him and love their lives, despite being under strong control, and his sister's kids don't talk to her, despite her being more "lax" and letting them get away with 98% of their way.

Uncle respects his children and expects the best because he believes they're capable of it. Aunt has said since her's were young that they were "useless" and weren;t worth the trouble to disipline.

Oddly, one of Aunt's sons moved in with Uncle, and after the first three months of fighting against the new rules, seems happier than any of his siblings. (All cousins are now mostly grown, one is 16 and the reast are over 21.)