Author Topic: Why are you ok with hurting your son??  (Read 2744 times)

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postalslave

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Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« on: January 14, 2013, 02:37:05 PM »
I don't post very often but this is something I really need help with please.

My younger brother (FRANK) recently got married to a lovely girl (SALLY) that our family adores. The issue I have is that my mother (MOM) frequently says very mean things about my brother to her in front of groups of people, family, strangers, my brother, it doesn't matter who is around. Everyone must hear her opinion.

Example when someone meets Sally for the first time:

Mom- Have you met Sally? She's so great I love her so much! Sally you know you married beneath you right?

yup, apparently my brother Frank is not good enough for Sally.

It's not just that, Mom brings this up ALL THE TIME. She has said to my brother Frank "You are lucky to have Sally, she can do so much better than you!" I can give other examples but its all the same message. Sally is awesome, Frank is not.

Perspective- My mom says this is a somewhat teasing way (even friendly) but she seriously believes what she's saying. That Sally is too good for Frank and she can do so much better. Family and friends have called her on it ( :o why would you say that about your child?!???) she just laughs it off and says its true.

So here's some background on my family that I think is relevant - Frank is a miracle baby. He was born with serious health problems and is the only known child to recover. He has some lingering health problems, lung issues, ADD, ADHD but nothing serious. He will never run track but that's pretty much the extent of his "disability" all in all, he's healthy and a really good kid.

Let's compare Frank to me. I'm a drug addict and started using at age 12 (Sorry NA says I am a RECOVERING addict, whatever). I dropped out of school, I sold everything of value I could from Mom and Frank to feed my addiction. I was a very bad person. I've been clean for a couple years but what I have done in the past still fills me with deep shame. I've hurt all of my loveones and came close to ending up in jail for life. My addiction and actions are not a secret in my family. Everyone knows I was the one who messed up and my family uses me as an example of what not to do with your life. I encourage this. The last 20 years of my life are the best PSA you can give.

Anywho, I'm not married. I'm somewhat financially stable and in no way mentally stable. I am not what anyone wants to go up to be.

Despite all of that, Mom always says how much better I am than Frank. To everyone!  :'(

I am so proud of Frank because he made good of his life. When I was was his age I was not nearly as well off as he is (mentally, financially etc). This is also not a secret in my family. In fact my father frequently echo's my sentiments, that he's glad Frank did so much better than he did.

So here's the etiquette- I need a phrase or something to stop my mom to say these horrible things about Frank. Both he and Sally (and other family members) have come to me voicing their discomfort with my moms statements. It breaks my heart because Frank keeps asking me what he did wrong and why mom would think this way about him? Sally is so uncomfortable around Mom, we all are.

To make things even worse, Mom *truly* does not understand why what she is saying is wrong, she *truly* believes Sally is too good for Frank.

Cut direct is not an option. To do that would destroy her more than her hurtful words hurt us.

"Mom, what you said was really hurtful!"
"So? It's true!! LOL!

What can I say after that????  :'( :'(

Octavia

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Re: Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« Reply #1 on: January 14, 2013, 02:47:01 PM »
Cut direct is not an option. To do that would destroy her more than her hurtful words hurt us.

Why not? Sounds like she doesn't listen to all of the other reasonable reprimands you're given her time and time again. If she does not suffer consequences, then she has no reason to stop behaving badly. I'm saying this as a person who is more like Frank. For over 20 years I refused to cut my parents off due to the guilt of not wanting to hurt them. But the suffering they caused me about did me in. Whose feelings are more important, those of the innocent party or those of the instigator? If someone is going to be hurt, who should it be?
"I never explain anything." ~Julie Andrews in Mary Poppins

Mental Magpie

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Re: Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« Reply #2 on: January 14, 2013, 02:51:39 PM »
Every time she says it, leave.  Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, stop and leave.  Middle of dinner?  So what?  What's worse: "ruining" a dinner party because of a bully or letting that bully destroy your brother?
The problem with choosing the lesser of two evils is that you're still choosing evil.

GlassHalfFull

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Re: Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« Reply #3 on: January 14, 2013, 02:52:13 PM »

"Mom, what you said was really hurtful!"
"So? It's true!! LOL!

What can I say after that????  :'( :'(

You:  "It's actually not true, it's just your opinion.  And an odd opinion of a mother to hold of their own child, might I add."

Since you're not wanting to cut direct, perhaps something like this would shut her down?  If said often enough in the company
of others, maybe she'd get too embarrassed to keep saying things like that, even if she doesn't (sadly) change her mind.


amylouky

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Re: Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« Reply #4 on: January 14, 2013, 02:57:25 PM »
To your mom, "So you've said, repeatedly. Obviously Sally sees a lot of good in Frank that you, sadly, don't. I'm sure she considers herself lucky to have him, too."

To your brother, "I don't know why Mom is so cruel. Please know that we all love you and think you are wonderful, and that her nastiness is her personal failing, not anything that you have done."

How sad.

CakeBeret

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Re: Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« Reply #5 on: January 14, 2013, 02:57:57 PM »
"Well, I think Frank is awesome." Smile and change the subject.
"From a procrastination standpoint, today has been wildly successful."

cicero

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Re: Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« Reply #6 on: January 14, 2013, 03:00:52 PM »
Every time she says it, leave.  Wherever you are, whatever you're doing, stop and leave.  Middle of dinner?  So what?  What's worse: "ruining" a dinner party because of a bully or letting that bully destroy your brother?
I agree.

look - whatever it is you are doing now, isn't working. so try something different - see what happens. by staying at dinner when your mother does this, you are giving her your approval of what she is doing.

and hugs to you and your brother - to you because you've worked hard to overcome an addiction and Frank because your mother is being so horrible to him.

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Wordgeek

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Re: Why are you ok with hurting your son??
« Reply #7 on: January 14, 2013, 03:03:34 PM »
Insofar as this pertains to etiquette, the OP has received good advice.

In the main, however, the situation is beyond the purview of the forum.  I urge you to consult professional advice in real life.