Expectant couple throwing their own baby shower?

[oopsie]

I literally just got my invitation in the mail. It was sent from DH's cousin and his wife who are having a baby. It was phrased "Please join our celebration on day, month, year, address, etc.

Then at the bottom of the invitation they stated that the expectant mother is registered at Babies "R" Us.

This feels very tacky. Am I wrong?

BTW, I'm still waiting for my thank you card from expectant mother from the gift I gave for her wedding shower two years ago. I was unable to attend so I sent her a card and a cheque in the mail. She messaged me on Facebook to let me know that she couldn't cash it as I had made the cheque out to her nickname not her legal name. So I sent her another cheque in her legal name and it was cashed but I'm still waiting for that elusive thank you...

[Shoo]

I literally just got my invitation in the mail. It was sent from DH's cousin and his wife who are having a baby. It was phrased "Please join our celebration on day, month, year, address, etc.

Then at the bottom of the invitation they stated that the expectant mother is registered at Babies "R" Us.

This feels very tacky. Am I wrong?

BTW, I'm still waiting for my thank you card from expectant mother from the gift I gave for her wedding shower two years ago. I was unable to attend so I sent her a card and a cheque in the mail. She messaged me on Facebook to let me know that she couldn't cash it as I had made the cheque out to her nickname not her legal name. So I sent her another cheque in her legal name and it was cashed but I'm still waiting for that elusive thank you...

It feels tacky because it IS tacky.

I have a policy that if I don't get a thank you for the wedding gift I sent, you're not getting a baby shower gift from me.

[yokozbornak]

It is tacky.  I would send my regrets to the shower, and then send a nice card congratulation the new parents after the baby is born.

[Redwing]

My sister got an invitation to a shower from a guy she works with.  He and his wife were throwing it themselves.  Later, she got another invitation to a shower from another guy she works with.  Mom and dad were throwing their own shower in the afternoon and "diaper party"/barbecue in the evening.  She did not attend any of these events.

[lowspark]

I literally just got my invitation in the mail. It was sent from DH's cousin and his wife who are having a baby. It was phrased "Please join our celebration on day, month, year, address, etc.

Then at the bottom of the invitation they stated that the expectant mother is registered at Babies "R" Us.

This feels very tacky. Am I wrong?

BTW, I'm still waiting for my thank you card from expectant mother from the gift I gave for her wedding shower two years ago. I was unable to attend so I sent her a card and a cheque in the mail. She messaged me on Facebook to let me know that she couldn't cash it as I had made the cheque out to her nickname not her legal name. So I sent her another cheque in her legal name and it was cashed but I'm still waiting for that elusive thank you...

It feels tacky because it IS tacky.

I have a policy that if I don't get a thank you for the wedding gift I sent any kind of gift for which a thank you note is appropriate, you're not getting a baby shower gift any more gifts from me.

POD.
I edited the sentence above because in one case it happened in the reverse order. Baby shower gift (plus gift at the hospital plus gift when I visited the new mother at home) and no TY note for any of it. Subsequently I was invited to the wedding, which I attended, sans gift.

And yes, throwing your own shower is tacky.

[blarg314]

Baby shower hosted by the parents, with registry information in the invitation? Could go through the effort of emailing you to make sure she could get a cheque she could cash, but couldn't go through the effort of sending a thank-you email?

Very, very tacky.

I'd be tempted to send regrets and nothing else.

[turnip]

You know - I know it's 'tacky' according to traditional etiquette, but frankly I wouldn't mind if this became the new norm.    I mean - it's a shower for the expectant couple, why _shouldn't_ they just be the ones to plan and host it?   I can see that in an alternate universe it would be considered incredibly tacky to expect someone _else_ to throw you a party.  ( "Oh great, so now I'm supposed to be so excited that my BFF is having a baby that _I_ need to spend all _my_ extra time planning a party for _her_?")

And if the couple has no interest in having a baby shower they don't need to come up with ways to politely refuse kind offers.

I don't see much of a downside.   There's a general idea that 'it's conceited to throw a party in honor of yourself' but I'd rather we all just got over that - we don't expect others to plan our weddings, after all, or even, for the most part, our birthday parties.   

How about if you want a party, you throw one.  If you want me there, invite me.  If I want to come, I'll accept.  All these 'proxy' party plans seem to cause more problems than they solve.

[Shoo]

The reason it's tacky is because it's self-serving.  The purpose of a shower is to receive gifts.  So the couple who throws their own shower is basically telling their friends and family they want them to give them a present.  A birthday party for anyone over a certain age (like 12 or 13) does not require all the guests to bring a gift.

[LifeOnPluto]

If it was just a celebration, hosted by the expecting parents, I wouldn't have a problem with it.

But having a gift registry turns it into a shower, and that's quite tacky.

[turnip]

The reason it's tacky is because it's self-serving.  The purpose of a shower is to receive gifts.  So the couple who throws their own shower is basically telling their friends and family they want them to give them a present.  A birthday party for anyone over a certain age (like 12 or 13) does not require all the guests to bring a gift.

I really just can't get caught up in this anymore.   What is the problem with people who don't wish to buy presents declining, and people who do wish to buy presents accepting?   Why is it so much better to say "I want you to buy my best friend a present" than "I want you to buy me a present"?    Why is it OK to say "I want you to throw me a party"?

Like I said - I think we're at the point where it creates more problems than it solves.  The party 'planner' plans a party to the complete distaste of the 'guest of honor', or creates hard feelings by inviting the wrong person or not inviting the right person, or something else goes wrong.  The whole scenario creates complications that could be eased by just having the person who the party is for planning the party.

[Bexx27]

The point is that no one is entitled to a shower. It's rude to throw one for yourself and it's rude to ask a friend to throw one for you; if no one offers to do so, you just don't have a shower.

[TurtleDove]

turnip, I like the cut of your jib.  POD.

[VltGrantham]

The party 'planner' plans a party to the complete distaste of the 'guest of honor', or creates hard feelings by inviting the wrong person or not inviting the right person, or something else goes wrong.  The whole scenario creates complications that could be eased by just having the person who the party is for planning the party.

This is why it is wise for the planner to consult with and solicit the appropriate information from the guest of honor, rather than just guessing.

I've thrown several showers and have never had a fiasco with any of them--excluding one.  And that one wasn't because the shower wasn't nice enough or that I didn't take the guest of honor's wishes into account, but because her Mother and sisters had an issue with the fact that I did not solicit gifts through the invitations or choose, in my opinion, tacky games for them to play during the party.  However, those were the wishes of the MTB, so that's all I cared about.

Maybe it's behind the times and I'm old fashioned or a fuddy duddy or all--but I think throwing your own shower is in extremely poor taste.

ETA:  You could just as easily solve the problem by throwing an open house when ready to receive visitors after the baby is born, but not billing it as a shower.  Most people are willing to bring a gift to congratulate the new parents and welcome the addition to the family.  But at least it doesn't scream "come to my home and give me gifts" the way a shower does.

And OP, I wouldn't go either.  I'd send a "congratulations" after the baby was born and let it go.

[Cat-Fu]

I don't think it's appropriate to say "I want you to throw me a party," either, turnip. I mean, if you're such a jerk that no one wants to throw you a party, then that's your own fault. (All yous general)

[learningtofly]

The point is that no one is entitled to a shower. It's rude to throw one for yourself and it's rude to ask a friend to throw one for you; if no one offers to do so, you just don't have a shower.

POD.  I didn't want a shower.  My MIL offerred and I didn't want one.  I was superstitious and it wasn't up for discussion.  A lot of presents showed up after DD was born whether through the mail or through relatives.  If people want to buy the baby a present it will find it's way to the baby eventually.  Parties not required.