Guests and Alcohol...or, Am I a Bad Host?

[sammycat]

The fact that this is your sister makes the situation more difficult.

I think I know where you're coming from, but I have to disagree.  If someone can't be straight up with their sibling, child or parent as to how badly they've behaved, then who can they be straight with?

[CaptainObvious]

Do you really think, after this kind of behavior, that they "deserve" anything? The behavior is self-evidently ghastly, beastly, and rude- so self-evidently rude that I struggle to understand the question here.

Just say no.

I agree and based on your other posts about her, I can't believe she even thinks she is welcome.

[mrkitty]

CaptainObvious is right (and Cap, you picked the right name, too - you always have a way of pointing out an obvious element or fact that I missed  ).

The relationship between me and DS is not good, and it hasn't been for a long time. When she was divorced in '04, I was her personal crying shoulder for about five years until our first big falling out in '08. Things haven't been good since. I had to give her the cut direct late last year because of certain things, including her joining a financial pyramid scheme and passing my name and contact info to her upline without my consent (or knowledge).

Anyhow, she emailed me about a week ago with this Valentine's thing like nothing happened to cause the cut direct. I sometimes wonder if she realizes a cut direct actually happened or is, in fact, in force. I never contact her. She hasn't contacted me until last week - by email. She must have some inkling something's up because I haven't returned any of her calls or frantic voicemails saying that BIL died and I need to call her immediately. That only worked once to get me to call her back. I won't do it again. Plus, does she not remember that we no longer have the house and live in this three-bedroom apartment??? THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THEM. (Room could be made, if it were worth it...but...) What's the advice? Don't engage the crazy? Uh, yeah?! 

I don't think I'm even going to dignify her self-invite with a response. And if they are delusional enough to show up, perhaps a call to local police to report trespassing is in order. I mean, seriously? She seriously thinks they would be welcome here?

Whatever drug she's taking, she ain't sharing.  Actually, I have no basis to say this. I have no knowledge that drugs play any role in her life whatsoever, except I sincerely cannot explain her behavior. At all. As for BIL? I don't even want to hazard a guess.

Maybe sometime I'll tell you about the legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006^TM at my brother's house (I wasn't present, but heard all about it from both sides, vividly)... if you're interested. There's really no etiquette question there, that I can discern. Everyone was wrong, imo. But I'll recount the events that were reported to me, if you want to read about it. I didn't put it up already because it's long. And coming from me, that means something, because I don't usually do short posts. Actually, the thing that happened at my house that I recounted here is mild in comparison.

That one went physical.

Do you wonder why we moved away?

[suzieQ]

She must have some inkling something's up because I haven't returned any of her calls or frantic voicemails saying that BIL died and I need to call her immediately.

And he wasn't dead?!?!?!! Wow, just wow.

[Julian]

That loud crash you heard clear across the Pacific Ocean was my jaw meeting the floor.  Even carpeted, it made a big ding.

I had to give her the cut direct late last year because of certain things, including her joining a financial pyramid scheme and passing my name and contact info to her upline without my consent (or knowledge).

Ah, that sister...

She must have some inkling something's up because I haven't returned any of her calls or frantic voicemails saying that BIL died and I need to call her immediately.

And he wasn't dead?!?!?!! Wow, just wow.

Wow, that is some seriously deranged manipulation going on there.  Drama llama much?

Maybe sometime I'll tell you about the legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006^TM at my brother's house (I wasn't present, but heard all about it from both sides, vividly)... if you're interested. There's really no etiquette question there, that I can discern. Everyone was wrong, imo. But I'll recount the events that were reported to me, if you want to read about it. I didn't put it up already because it's long. And coming from me, that means something, because I don't usually do short posts. Actually, the thing that happened at my house that I recounted here is mild in comparison.

That one went physical.

Do you wonder why we moved away?

Please, don't tease...   

Your sis sounds like as much of a problem as BIL.  If you continue with the cut, what are the chances they'll just rock up on your doorstep one night with a couple of cartons and their suitcases? 

I think I'd be taking a small detour from the cut long enough to send a very clear 'I'm afraid that won't be possible', and then reinstitute the cut. 

[Sharnita]

I think on the visit you decribe it would have been fine to tell them that hosting intoxicated guests had never been part of your offer and you were fine with BIL sobering up and enjoying the hospitality you offered or them leaving early.

It occurs to me that Valentine's comes right after Ash Wednesday this year so you will probably be serving fish or some other meatless offering on Friday and thus your meal will again be substandard in BIL's eyes.

[mrkitty]

She must have some inkling something's up because I haven't returned any of her calls or frantic voicemails saying that BIL died and I need to call her immediately.

And he wasn't dead?!?!?!! Wow, just wow.

Yes. He was and (to my knowledge) continues to be just fine. Well, I don't know about fine. But alive. That's what I mean. 

That's my sister's M.O. She will call and call and call and call...and escalate by leaving increasingly frantic voicemail messages until she gets a call back. If that doesn't work, apparently she switches gear and goes to email. I'd block her email address, but last time I did a cut direct (I didn't know that's what it was called at the time because I hadn't yet discovered eHell...and my cut direct failed because, again, no eHell) she went and got herself another email address and contacted me anyway.

So this time I guess she wants something, so she's trying to get my attention. A week ago she started with the phone calls and pulled the dead husband card again. I did not call back. So, she gave up and then emailed me (no mention that DH was dead, because apparently, like Lazarus, he's come back from the dead. Must be a real important meeting he's got scheduled. Heh.) slopping sugar all over the place and saying how much they would LOVE to see us again....what the ****?!

Only now, they have two little kids in their custody. BIL's biological grandchildren by one of his kids from one of the earlier marriages. The sweet little five year old boy is special needs and the older one, a darling little girl about eight, seems to be doing remarkably well considering....

I hope BIL has stopped drinking around them. 

Oh, don't get me started. I don't want to say something I shouldn't.

Actually, I apologize. I have no legitimate reason for mentioning the grandchildren/foster kids because it isn't relevant, except that even if DS and BIL were welcome, I would hesitate to have them bring the children, as adorable as they seem from pictures. I have nothing against them, except I don't have the wherewithal to manage my own current health crisis (I have a suspected abscessed molar that may need to come out...very, very soon - ouch! - and have to find a job and a dentist who is willing to do the surgery without upfront payment and accept small payments until new job is secured). I don't have kids, and have little to no experience with children - and I wouldn't know what to do with the little girl, much less how to care for the special needs child who requires a special diet and care....{shudders with apprehension}. The fact that BIL is...well, BIL and how he behaved when he visited here that one time I met him...well, that scares me for the kids, though I have no right to have any opinion about that. But still.

This whole situation is just gross.

I'll get started on the Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006^TM for your reading pleasure. 

[Iris]

She must have some inkling something's up because I haven't returned any of her calls or frantic voicemails saying that BIL died and I need to call her immediately.

And he wasn't dead?!?!?!! Wow, just wow.

That takes the cake. Unbelievable.

Do NOT allow these people back into your life. Toxic toxic toxic. When you are going through all you are going through at the moment you *really* don't need the added drama.

[doodlemor]

I agree with Julian.  Take a break from the cut direct and email her.  Tell her in firm words that can't be misunderstood that they are not to come to your home.

I suspect that she wants to dump those poor little kids on you.  If you are at all vague she and BIL might just show up with kiddies in tow, and have some reason ready why they can't go to a hotel. 

[mrkitty]

I agree with Julian.  Take a break from the cut direct and email her.  Tell her in firm words that can't be misunderstood that they are not to come to your home.

I suspect that she wants to dump those poor little kids on you.  If you are at all vague she and BIL might just show up with kiddies in tow, and have some reason ready why they can't go to a hotel. 

I hadn't thought of it until you mentioned it, but now that I think about it, I suspect you and Julian are quite correct. At this point I would put little past her.

I will contact her immediately and let her know  - firmly - that she and BIL are not welcome here, and that if they show up police will be called. (And if they try to do something with regard to the children, I will not hesitate to involve CPS. I'm so not kidding about any of this.)

Thank you for your advice and support - this is just weirdness and embarrassing. I can't even raise enough emotion to get upset about any of it. Just laugh it off at this point. Except the kids. That's not funny. But BIL? Laugh riot, as long as he's nowhere near me with alcohol and/or loaded fire arms. Seriously, dude. Not cool.

[mrkitty]

Should I put it in this thread or start a new one?

[MariaE]

I agree with the others - email her and say that they can't come. Otherwise they will take your silence as acceptance.

[mrkitty]

I agree with the others - email her and say that they can't come. Otherwise they will take your silence as acceptance.

I will take your advice, MariaE. I think you guys are totally right about this. I'll call her tomorrow and then follow up with an email. Or perhaps a certified letter? Or is that overkill?

[MariaE]

I agree with the others - email her and say that they can't come. Otherwise they will take your silence as acceptance.

I will take your advice, MariaE. I think you guys are totally right about this. I'll call her tomorrow and then follow up with an email. Or perhaps a certified letter? Or is that overkill?

I'd stick with email for now, but then I have no experience with toxic family apart from this board, so other posters may disagree.

[mrkitty]

Hmmmm. You could be right. Maybe a certified letter would inflame the situation. I think a firmly worded email with a dis-invite plus cease-and-desist would be more appropriate for now.

Not that it will stop her or BIL from calling...but at least there's an electronic trail if push-comes-to-shove. Which, I hope not. Especially in the literal sense, considering what happened between them and my brother.