Guests and Alcohol...or, Am I a Bad Host?

[nuit93]

CaptainObvious is right (and Cap, you picked the right name, too - you always have a way of pointing out an obvious element or fact that I missed  ).

The relationship between me and DS is not good, and it hasn't been for a long time. When she was divorced in '04, I was her personal crying shoulder for about five years until our first big falling out in '08. Things haven't been good since. I had to give her the cut direct late last year because of certain things, including her joining a financial pyramid scheme and passing my name and contact info to her upline without my consent (or knowledge).

Anyhow, she emailed me about a week ago with this Valentine's thing like nothing happened to cause the cut direct. I sometimes wonder if she realizes a cut direct actually happened or is, in fact, in force. I never contact her. She hasn't contacted me until last week - by email. She must have some inkling something's up because I haven't returned any of her calls or frantic voicemails saying that BIL died and I need to call her immediately. That only worked once to get me to call her back. I won't do it again. Plus, does she not remember that we no longer have the house and live in this three-bedroom apartment??? THERE IS NO ROOM FOR THEM. (Room could be made, if it were worth it...but...) What's the advice? Don't engage the crazy? Uh, yeah?! 

I don't think I'm even going to dignify her self-invite with a response. And if they are delusional enough to show up, perhaps a call to local police to report trespassing is in order. I mean, seriously? She seriously thinks they would be welcome here?

Whatever drug she's taking, she ain't sharing.  Actually, I have no basis to say this. I have no knowledge that drugs play any role in her life whatsoever, except I sincerely cannot explain her behavior. At all. As for BIL? I don't even want to hazard a guess.

Maybe sometime I'll tell you about the legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006^TM at my brother's house (I wasn't present, but heard all about it from both sides, vividly)... if you're interested. There's really no etiquette question there, that I can discern. Everyone was wrong, imo. But I'll recount the events that were reported to me, if you want to read about it. I didn't put it up already because it's long. And coming from me, that means something, because I don't usually do short posts. Actually, the thing that happened at my house that I recounted here is mild in comparison.

That one went physical.

Do you wonder why we moved away?

Jaw...on...floor...

[Amava]

I think your title is a bit misleading.
I thought this would be one of these topics of "Is it okay to not serve alcohol to guests if I know they have a drinking problem" or "is it okay to not serve alcohol to guests if I don't drink myself, for religious or other reasons". 

But this is much more than that. This was not just about them wanting to drink alcohol while you prefer not to have it in your house. This was about them completely and utterly snubbing your hosting and everything you had planned and provided for them.

Staying upstairs engaging in private activities (whether it was the loud sex you heard, or whether it had been a long private conversation, or playing on their phones for all I care) while one's host is waiting with dinner is inherently rude.
Driving out to pick up a case of beer and a load of fast food while the host has just served the appetisers and is waiting with dinner, is even a lot worse.

They were being complete boors.

Speak of casting pearls before swine! Wow.

And yes. Tell us about Thanksgiving 2006.

[cicero]

Maybe sometime I'll tell you about the legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006^TM at my brother's house (I wasn't present, but heard all about it from both sides, vividly)... if you're interested. There's really no etiquette question there, that I can discern. Everyone was wrong, imo. But I'll recount the events that were reported to me, if you want to read about it. I didn't put it up already because it's long. And coming from me, that means something, because I don't usually do short posts. Actually, the thing that happened at my house that I recounted here is mild in comparison.

That one went physical.

Do you wonder why we moved away?

<grabbing the popcorn>

[Venus193]

These people don't deserve to be in your life.  To add detail to Amava's post, they went out and bought McDonalds food by the Xerox method when you went to the trouble of preparing a roast for them on a holiday when you specifically don't eat meat.  That is not just rude, that's an active slap in the face.

And do tell us about the Thanksgiving disaster.  With this as a preview, I'm sure that story belongs on the main site.

[Cat-Fu]

First off, I'd let your sister know that you're not able to have any guests... ever again. There's simply no room! Oh well. I wouldn't bother with a certified letter, just send her an email and then mark all messages from her as spam so you don't have to read them anymore.

However, forgetting for a moment that your DS & BIL are complete boors, I wanted to make a general hosting suggestion. When you know a guest is a "meat and potatoes" person or otherwise unfussy eater, going for the fancy foodie options is likely to make them uncomfortable, especially if it's for no reason. Serving smoked salmon to someone you know isn't a fan of fish isn't likely to go over well either.

I came to this realization recently with a group of my DH's friends—they aren't interested in my overboard fancy creations at all, and would really feel better if I just made some onion dip and tossed out a bag of chips. I don't blame you for getting excited and getting new linens etc, but sometimes the "overhosting" shows and it makes some guests uncomfortable because they can't/won't reciprocate at that level.

[mrkitty]

You're so right, Camlan. 

It occurred too me to late, I'm afraid. My sister and I grew up in a family with northern European culinary traditions (a lot of smoked fish, pickled herring, etc. and everyone in our family loves that stuff) so I put that out there fore her, because I knew she likes it. The crackers and cheese and bruschetta were choices I made that I thought would be ok for someone who didn't like fish...but maybe they were still too fancy for BIL. When DS said he was meat and potatoes, I guess I fully didn't absorb just how much he is meat and potatoes...as in ONLY MEAT AND POTATOES. EVER. Learned that lesson the hard way - when a guest gives me their culinary preferences, I take it literally now. No exceptions!!! I should have just put out some chips and dip and a whole lot of beer for him.

I can see your point about going overboard with the decorating the room and such. Now THAT they seemed to like...especially since all the toiletries were gone when they were. Including the BOX of Q-Tips from under the sink. Who knew someone had a Q-Tip fetish?

But at least they left the towels.

[sourwolf]

Perhaps I'm confused, but per your "you lost our dog" thread, aren't you living in a small apartment at this point in time? I would think that would be more than enough reason to refuse to have overnight visitors.

[Piratelvr1121]

She did say she's moved since that incident.  So yeah, I'd say she can use that as an explanation but even then regardless of where OP is living, she shouldn't feel she has to put up her DS and BIL. 

[mrkitty]

You are correct.

We have three bedrooms (SMALL) and two full baths, so it is remotely possible to make room. But not really. What's weird is my sister KNOWS our living situation, but details like that seem to not phase her in the least.

I do know that BIL has been worried about layoffs. He's gotten in trouble at work this last summer (I know this because he told me before the cut direct, but then again, it's hard to believe anything he says)...so maybe he lost his job, finally. So I wonder if he lost his job again...I need to check Linked in. This might have something to do with it, now that I think about it.

[sourwolf]

She did say she's moved since that incident.  So yeah, I'd say she can use that as an explanation but even then regardless of where OP is living, she shouldn't feel she has to put up her DS and BIL.

Oh, of course not.  But somehow it seems like it would be easier to say you can't host because you don't have the space instead of "no I don't want to host because you are horrible horrible people." 

[mrkitty]

Thank you, Sourwolf. You hit the nail on the head.

Huh. No matter, though, really. When I told DH about sis's self-invite he laughed so hard that he choked on the burrito he was eating. I should have chosen a better time to tell him.

That issue is actually moot, though  - there was really no chance that they would be coming to stay - the OP was really about how I could have made their last visit less of a disaster. That last comment was a little tongue-in-cheek because I thought it was really funny that she would contact me about staying again after what happened last time.

Yeah .... that visit is not going to happen in this or any other universe. AT LEAST AS FAR AS WE ARE CONCERNED. But convincing SIS of that may be a different story. I really had intended to give her the excuse of emergency dental surgery but DH says not to respond at all.

I'm glad I ran it by you guys, though, because the advice you gave about making sure they KNOW they are not welcome is good advice, so I'm going to have to make sure of that today. I did say last night that I better call her today and make sure she knows not to come.

I'm just dreading that phone call. I better get to it.  I'm just trying to think of the least drama-free way of making this visit not happen. Maybe the "you do remember we live in this apartment....right?" is a good one. Not personal. She takes everything very personally.

[bopper]

I don't know what you could have done differently...you let them know the plans for appetizers and dinner.  You can't make people go to church and i can understand you wouldn't want to let them alone in your house.  The only thing with gun shopping is "Maybe you guys should do that after you leave as we do not have guns in our house" (unless you do) or "I am not interested in Gun shopping...let us know if you want to go to McDonald's for dinner."


"Gosh, Sis, not sure what your plans were when you come out this way, but I wanted to let you know since we moved we have no guest rooms.  I heard the Hilton is a good value. Maybe we could meet for dinner one night? "

or

"We won't be able to visit with you as we already have plans that weekend."

[mrkitty]

"Gosh, Sis, not sure what your plans were when you come out this way, but I wanted to let you know since we moved we have no guest rooms.  I heard the Hilton is a good value. Maybe we could meet for dinner one night? "

or

"We won't be able to visit with you as we already have plans that weekend."

Thank you bopper....will use that. About to dial phone...wish me luck!

[Sharnita]

Honestly, I might give the real reason why you aren't hosting.  At some point you might be living somewhere else or they mught want to get together under different circumstances.  You won't be able to use that excuse but some of the same concerns will still be there.

[mrkitty]

{SIGH of relief}

Just got off the phone. Blessedly, the call went straight to voicemail, so I left a message.

"Hi (Sis). This is Mr.Kitty. I received your email about staying with us over Valentine's weekend. I'm afraid it's just not possible to have you over to visit us again, ever. Please don't contact me anymore. Thanks. Bye."

And that was that. Hopefully I won't hear back from her. I can see if she calls because of caller ID and I don't have to pick it up (but I'm sure there will be some very entertaining voicemails left! I wonder how many times BIL is going to "die" this time. Heh.) And, her email is currently being put into the "blocked" category right now. That's not to say that she won't get another one (again), but, at this point, nothing she says phases me anymore. It's just entertainment value. That's how I now look at it, anyway.

Thanks for all the feedback and support, you guys.

The great and terrible legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006^TM will be posted tonight, for your prurient reading pleasure.