Guests and Alcohol...or, Am I a Bad Host?

[kckgirl]

So, have there been any return calls?

[mrkitty]

Ohhh,  yes. Quite entertaining, too, I might add.

Seems BIL lost his job. Again. And they need $2600 from us (me and DH, not that we have it, so what are we supposed to do, rob a bank?) so they can cover their mortgage payment or they will be homeless. And it's all my fault. Because I am fat, stupid, dumb, lazy - because when we lost our business, we couldn't afford to send her money anymore.*** So if I were any good, I'd have gotten off my lazy *** a long time ago and started the new business like I'd talked about - but no, I'm too lazy, and now they are in trouble. And it's all my fault. And why haven't I called her? Why am I avoiding her? I'm just being immature, again, because anytime I get challenged on my behavior from her I run away and hide.

So, I'm stupid and lazy, and I owe her money (), and it's my fault if they lose their house....I'm quite sure it's also my fault he lost his job, too, although she didn't explain that one....and since I don't hang around her trying to get browbeaten it also makes me a jerk, I guess.

This time, BIL didn't die....it's going to be the little Autistic boy....he's very, very sick  because she can't afford to buy him the special foods h needs and he might starve to death if we don't send $$ RIGHT NOW. And didn't you know? IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

I've had it with this. 


***There was a period of six months early in their marriage when they split up for half a year and because she had no income and he wasn't supporting her, we helped her out some with rent and some expenses. Where she got the idea NOW, years later, that this was supposed to continue....I don't know. I don't know. {{Shakes head}} Is it drugs? Hormones? Just crazy? I DON'T KNOW.

Tired of trying to figure it out. I'm sorry that the little boy is sick; I truly am, and I hope he gets the medical attention and nutrition he needs. I just don't know if I believe anything SIS says anymore. However, DH and I are debating whether we should intervene for the sake of the child, if he is that badly off; on the other hand, we both think she is a liar and will say anything to get what she wants. DH wants to call CPS to check on the boy, and I'm thinking it might be a good idea. Maybe they can check on him to make sure he's okay and the other child. I don't want to send SIS any cash because I don't think it would be spent on the boy. Not that we have right now to spare, but still. Plus, as foster kids, MY SIS AND BIL GET MONEY FROM THE STATE FOR THEIR CARE. SO WHY ARE THEY SUPPOSEDLY STARVING?! I think she is trying to manipulate me and I am so not taking it any more. 

I AM JUST SO SICK OF THIS. I have not called her back - not sure if I will. My next call might just be to the authorities to check on the children.  I am so over SIS right now.

[Reika]

So these are foster kids, not their own? I would've suggested calling the authorities either way, but in this case, even more so. Since it doesn't sound like a good environment for those poor kids and it sounds like the money might not be going to their care properly.

[Amara]

I don't have children so I am hesitant to offer an opinion, but I think were I in your situation I would call CPS too because that's what I do regardless of my relationship with the parents. I'd just want to be sure that someone in authority knew the situation. Otherwise, I'd keep thinking, "What if ..." and that thought horrifies me.

[mrkitty]

They are but they aren't. The children are BIL's biological grandchildren. SIS and BIL have the children in their custody as BIL's son and ex-girlfriend are not in a position to provide care right now.

Frankly, I have concerns that SIS and BIL are not in that position either, at the present time, given her recent voicemail messages. DH and I have discussed it, and while we have difficulties with SIS's credibility, we think the best thing to do, in an abundance of caution, is to contact the proper authorities to make sure the children are being properly cared for.

Beyond that, there is nothing more I think I can do. Even if I *had* the money to send her, I'm not convinced it would do any good right now. My obligation as a citizen is to report the issue. Hopefully the state agency overseeing the situation will get the family the resources they need, or place the children in a more stable environment. And, if she was making it up, then I'm troubled by that, but I cannot shield her from any consequences arising from her own behavior. And, it is not my responsibility to do so. We are both adults and responsible for our own choices in life.

I see no reason for further contact with her going forward. I wish her and her family the best, but I have to be done with her now. Anyone who has read my other post about living drama-free may understand where I'm coming from. SIS and I are going to have to be done now. Th only other thing I can do is send her a cease-and-desist letter and just be done.

[Amava]

They need to get off their own behinds and take responsibility for their own income, instead of blaming you for not giving them handouts!!

But, I know I'm pointing out the obvious here.

This is not going to be the end of it, I can predict that much. Users like Sis and BiL are astonished when someone they used to be able to guilt into helping them, grows a spine and tells them to take care of themselves.  They're not gonna give up without a fight.

MrKitty, I am honestly glad that you live far away from them, and that you are also able to create distance emotionally.

 

[lady_disdain]

The worst part is DS indicated they are coming out again this way next month. For a romantic Valentine's Day weekend after his next business trip.

I am late to the party, sorry. I hope the little boy is doing well.

I was reading the OP, however, and this just jumped at me. Who invites themselves to someone's house in order to have a romantic weekend? Romantic weekends aren't usually in the company of one's sibling.

[mrkitty]

Thank you, Amava. {HUGS}

I am afraid you are probably very right. I suspect I have not heard the last from SIS. I imagine once she hears from or gets a visit from the authorities she is going to be upset.

I worry that by reporting that I am creating more "drama". But DH is very firm that this.must.stop. Now. I have to agree. I used to fall for guilt and manipulation all.the.time. and DH is, honestly, very frustrated about that. Not that I blame him. I'm rather hoping that if I don't respond to her, she will eventually give up. 

Hopefully the children will be ok. Hopefully SIS and even BIL will be ok. Right now I'm feeling a little insulted about the content of the vm's, but, hey, there's nothing in them I haven't heard before...except now, I realize it's all just a bunch of nonsense.

Amava, you're just wonderful, and thank you so much for your wisdom and support. {HUGS}

Like you, I am so glad I don't live near them!!! Whew. What a sense of relief that is.

[mrkitty]

The worst part is DS indicated they are coming out again this way next month. For a romantic Valentine's Day weekend after his next business trip.

I am late to the party, sorry. I hope the little boy is doing well.

I was reading the OP, however, and this just jumped at me. Who invites themselves to someone's house in order to have a romantic weekend? Romantic weekends aren't usually in the company of one's sibling.

Did you hear about what they did in my brother's living room when they visited him? ..... That's what I'm guessing they've got planned??? I know when they stayed with us, they got busy in the guest room.

I hope they didn't think we'd go on a double-date or anything. Gross. Anyway. We don't have the room, and the relationship is over. There will be no romantic Valentine's Weekend in the mrkitty house. Period. mrkitty is too under the weather as it is to contemplate romance anyway.

But, yeah...I totally get your point and all I can say about whatever it is SIS was thinking is.....

***Edited to add the following*** You know, I wonder if she just mentioned Valentine's Day weekend simply because that's when they were *planning* to be out this way...not that they wanted to specifically *celebrate* it with us. Or, maybe they thought we would give them a free mini-vacation? Last time they visited was several years ago when we still had the house with a nice private room and bath. She KNOWS we live in an apartment now...but we have three bedrooms and two baths...maybe she thinks it would similar? Or that we run a free bed and breakfast? Or a flophouse?

Another poster said they think it was just an excuse to get down here and dump the kids on us. That's certainly possible. (Why SIS would possibly think that would be a viable alternative, I don't know. I can't explain anything she says or does lately.) I am really confused as to what she wanted. I'm leaving it with "happens to be coming down the weekend following Valentine's Day," because I can see it falls on a Thursday this year.  I will leave it at that, hoping that's what she meant. I didn't give it *too* much thought because it was never a real possibility that my husband would even countenance the thought of a visit after last time, but you have really got me wondering, especially because she said "romantic weekend." Again, free bed & breakfast, anyone??? Well, I guess I'm going to have to stay confused....because I ain't calling her to find out!!! 

You know, based on her erratic behavior (on the phone, with me) the last several months, I think she sounds overwrought. I think she might be overwhelmed with the kids and everything, and she's angry and frustrated because it wasn't her choice to take them in the first place.

[doodlemor]

Another poster said they think it was just an excuse to get down here and dump the kids on us. That's certainly possible. (Why SIS would possibly think that would be a viable alternative, I don't know. I can't explain anything she says or does lately.) I am really confused as to what she wanted. I'm leaving it with "happens to be coming down the weekend following Valentine's Day," because I can see it falls on a Thursday this year.  I will leave it at that, hoping that's what she meant. I didn't give it *too* much thought because it was never a real possibility that my husband would even countenance the thought of a visit after last time, but you have really got me wondering, especially because she said "romantic weekend." Again, free bed & breakfast, anyone??? Well, I guess I'm going to have to stay confused....because I ain't calling her to find out!!! 

You know, based on her erratic behavior (on the phone, with me) the last several months, I think she sounds overwrought. I think she might be overwhelmed with the kids and everything, and she's angry and frustrated because it wasn't her choice to take them in the first place.

I'm so sorry that you have this difficult situation to deal with when you don't feel well, mrkitty. 

You are such a kind person!  I get the impression that even though you know intellectually what a scammer/moocher your sister is, the situation is still pulling at your heartstrings a bit.  You are doing the right thing by cutting her off and not falling for any more of her shenanigans, though.  The only one who can fix your sister is herself.

I'm one of the people who thinks that she is planning to dump the children on you.  If you let them come I bet that they would disappear for hours, or maybe even days.  I agree that sister is probably overwhelmed with caring for two young children and such a selfish husband.

I wonder if BIL really cares about his grandchildren, or if he thinks the foster child stipend is his money to spend.  I'm very relieved that you and DH are planning to call CP to check on the situation.

It sounds like they live too far away to ever just show up at your door.  However, if that were to happen I think that you would have to refuse them entry.  Even if sister shows up alone you would need to be extremely cautious.  I wouldn't put it past them to come up with some sort of tag team plot to get into your home.

[sammycat]

In your situation, I would....

Ignore any calls from Sis and BIL.

Not send them money, or anything else.

Call the authorities in regards to the children.  They don't deserve this screwed up version of life.

[EMuir]

I think this situation pretty much solves itself if you call the authorities to check on their children and let them know you did it.  Children get monitored, they never talk to you.

[kudeebee]

Do not feel guilty, you have done nothing wrong.  I would not believe what she says; she is trying to play on your emotions to get you to give them money.

Do not take the calls, do not answer the emails.  I would read them; them delete or file in a folder, whichever you prefer.  If they show up on your doorstep, do not answer the door or let them in.  If by chance they do show up and leave the kids outside your door, call the police and let them deal with the situation.  The kids are not your responsibility, you don't even know them; so it would be a police matter relating to abandonment.

I personally would not call the authorities.  You do not know if what sis is saying is true or not.  If they are in the foster care system, they should be under the watch of a case worker. But, it is your call.

Cut them out of your lives and you will enjoy having less drama!

[Venus193]

My recommendation is to file the e-mails in case you need them for a future legal action.  Call CPS about the children, and don't let these people into your lives.  If they show up and demand entrance, call the police.

Don't claim not to know them, but explain that this is a safety issue.  You can't afford to tell lies about them just in case this leads to a legal situation.  You need to be as pure as Caesar's wife.

[kherbert05]

Call CPS and get them copies of any voice mails or e-mails that indicate the children are not being cared for. Family placement for foster care is often the first option. The idea being that the children are with familiar people that love them, and who often were the ones reaching out to authorities to help the kids. I've seen it be a wonderful thing. I've also seen it be a complete disasters.