Author Topic: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?  (Read 4935 times)

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Cat-Fu

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #15 on: January 16, 2013, 11:20:10 AM »
Ah, a classic FeelingsBomb, launched at you while he was running away. TBH I can't say I'd have the patience to listen to the entire thing—I don't see anything wrong with your reaction.
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Jeremy

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #16 on: January 16, 2013, 12:07:15 PM »
Now I think back, I can recall one of the things we were talking about.

One was about his honours thesis. He asked me to critique it and after checking with him if he minded if I was honest, I gave him an honest but thorough appraisal. Said nothing about the subject or his argument, just his methods like sentence structure, punctuation, passive voice etc. I wasn't negative, I even gave him quite a bit if praise at how interesting he'd made his subject and pointed out how this could be better done. I was
 Apparently he'd been rather upset about it but I didn't hear it first from him, but from my younger sister.
He asked why I had done at as he'd put so much work into it, and I pointed out that he had wanted me to critique it and I warned him that I was going to be honest about it. Maybe he expected me to coddle him and say it was amazing?

He sounds like the resentful and begrudging type who, instead of confronting you and letting it go, enjoys stewing in it and being indirectly agressive by talking about your perceived failings to others, or making little barbed remarks and hints about how you've upset him.  I honestly detest people who do this.  No good could ever have come out of the conversation he had with you, and as you've probably realised, you're better off without people like that.

Zilla

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #17 on: January 16, 2013, 12:13:49 PM »
I think it's highly odd and petty but at least he got you alone and asked.  Only thing I could think of was that he didn't care if lost your friendship at that point by asking what he always wondered about.  (If you had taken offense)

MeowMixer

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #18 on: January 16, 2013, 12:42:22 PM »
You're well rid of him. I like Cat-Fu's 'Feelingsbomb' phrase. How can you respond to that, especially so well after the fact? And I'm sorry, but what he pulled with his thesis was really lame.  when you ask someone to be honest expect honesty, when you're fishing for compliments hire someone for that. A true friend wants what's best for you and won't shluff you off with flattery to save your feelings.

You don't need that in your life. I had one of those, they make you question everything long after the fact because by the time they blow it up in your face some details may be fuzzy. Not worth the drama.

YummyMummy66

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #19 on: January 16, 2013, 02:37:06 PM »
I think it was stupid for said friend to bring up these things when moving and not beforehand when they happened, if they bothered him so much.

I would have replied, "I guess we won't need to keep in contact after your move, will we?" and walked away.

Sharnita

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #20 on: January 16, 2013, 02:47:59 PM »
OP, how did you end up at his farewell drinks?  Whose idea was the farewell, who asked you to come along, etc?  You mentioned that ties had kind of been cut - maybe he was surprised or even uncomfortable having you there?

lurkerwisp

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #21 on: January 16, 2013, 04:03:25 PM »
Really only the person in the position of the forgiver instead of the forgivee can decide if they're going to "forgive and forget."  You said that you instructed him to do so, but all that time ago he may not have been ready yet.  He was willing to talk to you now, and may have been more ready to forgive.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #22 on: January 16, 2013, 04:11:57 PM »
OP, how did you end up at his farewell drinks?  Whose idea was the farewell, who asked you to come along, etc?  You mentioned that ties had kind of been cut - maybe he was surprised or even uncomfortable having you there?

Well, he still had my number and he had mine. We just hadn't talked in ages.

LazyDaisy

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #23 on: January 16, 2013, 04:24:27 PM »
OP, how did you end up at his farewell drinks?  Whose idea was the farewell, who asked you to come along, etc?  You mentioned that ties had kind of been cut - maybe he was surprised or even uncomfortable having you there?

I'm afraid that was my first thought too. Perhaps he felt ambushed by your appearing at his party after you had, according to you, cut ties with him a few years back. What was your purpose for being there if the friendship was already over?

In general though to your question about there being a statute of limitations on past grievances. In short, no. Some grievances can be so hurtful that even a heartfelt "sorry" and time will never be enough. I have no idea if you did anything at that level, but it sounds like until you showed up at his party, he was content to cut ties with you as well.
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Katana_Geldar

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #24 on: January 16, 2013, 05:29:23 PM »
Well, we hadn't been unfriendly, we had just sort of lost touch. I had different friends now and so did he, we were no longer having classes together. That sort of thing.

I was rather surprised, but not overly so, when he asked if I wanted to come. But was it for the purpose of ambushing me like this?

And no, I hadn't done anything deliberately hurtful that he'd been stewing over. But it is rather annoying to think back a few years and try and work out why you said something all those years ago.

I have no idea what sort of response he was expecting to get from me, to be honest. Was I supposed to be apologetic and understanding? I wasn't, I was annoyed and upset.

I wonder if he realises that despite the fact we knew each other for years, this is going to be my lasting memory of him.

bah12

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #25 on: January 16, 2013, 06:51:47 PM »
Well, we hadn't been unfriendly, we had just sort of lost touch. I had different friends now and so did he, we were no longer having classes together. That sort of thing.

I was rather surprised, but not overly so, when he asked if I wanted to come. But was it for the purpose of ambushing me like this?

And no, I hadn't done anything deliberately hurtful that he'd been stewing over. But it is rather annoying to think back a few years and try and work out why you said something all those years ago.

I have no idea what sort of response he was expecting to get from me, to be honest. Was I supposed to be apologetic and understanding? I wasn't, I was annoyed and upset.

I wonder if he realises that despite the fact we knew each other for years, this is going to be my lasting memory of him.

He asked you why you said those things to him...so isn't it possible that he just wanted to know why you said those things.  Looking for understanding vs. looking for an apology or an argument.

Don't get me wrong, I understand why you were thrown off, especially considering that he invited you to his going away. But, I don't think that it's necessarily wrong to bring up something from the past as long as it's done in a polite way.  He talked to you privately, didn't berate you in front of others, etc.   Maybe the timing was awkward (or maybe this was just his only opportunity).  It doesn't sound like these were things that he dealt with back when they happened and like I said before, even though it may make more sense and seem better to handle things as they come up, not everyone does it. 

In other words, I don't think the problem here is timing in terms of the legth of time between the offense and his confronting you about it, more than the timing of when he chose to do it.  Perhaps it would have been better to choose a different time/location.  Although, I don't necessarily think that pulling you over privately at a party is all that bad as long as you didn't spend the whole party having this coversation....a few minutes to ask you "why?" is not all that bad, IMO.

Katana_Geldar

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #26 on: January 16, 2013, 07:56:00 PM »
I wouldn't have minded something like this soon after I said it, but two to three years after? Why would he bother hanging on to something for that long and be angry, upset about it?

Hanging on to something like that takes effort. Wasted effort, in my opinion. There's better things you can be doing than worrying about something someone said to you more than two years ago.

bah12

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #27 on: January 17, 2013, 11:01:15 AM »
I wouldn't have minded something like this soon after I said it, but two to three years after? Why would he bother hanging on to something for that long and be angry, upset about it?

Hanging on to something like that takes effort. Wasted effort, in my opinion. There's better things you can be doing than worrying about something someone said to you more than two years ago.

That may be true.  But I also know a lot of people who carry past hurts with them even though they continue to have a positive relationship with the person who hurt them.   It doesn't make them rude, it just makes them unable to deal with feelings and move on...at least as quickly as you (general) do.

I understand that this was an awkward moment and a surprise of a conversation.  And if someone had asked me for advice on whether or not they should bring something from the past up, I may have suggested other ways to handle the feelings.  But, it's not rude to bring these things up...only rude ways to do it, IMO.   And it doesn't sound like your (old) friend was rude.

Winterlight

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #28 on: January 17, 2013, 11:09:27 AM »
Ah, a classic FeelingsBomb, launched at you while he was running away. TBH I can't say I'd have the patience to listen to the entire thing—I don't see anything wrong with your reaction.

Seconded. If he had a problem, he'd had years to address it. Throwing them at you like a water balloon at a party was pretty cowardly.
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Cat-Fu

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Re: Bringing up past wrongs, is it ok?
« Reply #29 on: January 17, 2013, 11:36:20 AM »
I wouldn't have minded something like this soon after I said it, but two to three years after? Why would he bother hanging on to something for that long and be angry, upset about it?

Hanging on to something like that takes effort. Wasted effort, in my opinion. There's better things you can be doing than worrying about something someone said to you more than two years ago.

That may be true.  But I also know a lot of people who carry past hurts with them even though they continue to have a positive relationship with the person who hurt them.   It doesn't make them rude, it just makes them unable to deal with feelings and move on...at least as quickly as you (general) do.

I understand that this was an awkward moment and a surprise of a conversation.  And if someone had asked me for advice on whether or not they should bring something from the past up, I may have suggested other ways to handle the feelings.  But, it's not rude to bring these things up...only rude ways to do it, IMO.   And it doesn't sound like your (old) friend was rude.

I would argue that it is rude to dump five years' worth of bad feelings on someone. TBH it serves no reason other than for the one who has been simmering to lash out rather than deal with their feelings like an adult. I don't think that holding on to hurt feelings is rude, but a feelingsbomb (which I can't claim I made up) is. It makes someone else feel bad about things that really don't matter just so that you (general) can feel better.
“Poetry is a sword of lightning, ever unsheathed, which consumes the scabbard that would contain it.” PBS