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(LONG)The Legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006(TM) Plus: TMI warning

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mrkitty:
Once they get home, BRO announces he's going to watch a movie in the family room and anyone is welcome to join him. SIL says she is going to go pick up the girls. SIS sits down in living room and gets on her laptop. BIL is nowhere to be found.

Later on, they decide to go out to dinner. It is Friday night. Everyone claims to like Japanese food (BRO is crazy about it, as is SIS and the girls (and auntie mrkitty, fwiw) and BIL CLAIMS TO LOVE IT. (You DO remember, do you not, that he is rabidly meat and potatoes only? Of course you do.) Well, it IS true that all Japanese cuisine isn't limited to only sushi and sashimi. They do have beef terriyaki and other dishes as well. This being the larger SF bay area, there is a great variety of excellent Asian restaurants that offer a wonderful variety of their respective cuisines. <mrkitty salivating and homesick>

So, despite mrkitty's previous experience AND WARNINGS (not to mention the unfortunate culinary events the night before - inexplicable to me!!!) - they all go out to enjoy a delicious Japanese dinner....

The group, including the nieces, sit down at a large table in the restaurant. BIL generously offers to buy them all dinner as a treat and a thank you for the hospitality.

BRO: That's really nice of you....but do you realize how expensive this is going to be? I mean, I am CRAZY (well, that's about the truest thing my brother ever said, hehe! ;D) about Japanese food. I eat A LOT of it....and the rest of the family does, too. I want to give you a chance to not do this, BIL - it might be a bit of a shock when you get the check and I don't want to put this on you. Maybe you can treat us for dinner another night to a restaurant where we don't go so overboard...

BIL: No, no, this is fine! It's my treat. Least I can do. You guys have been great to us.
BRO: <Trades a baffled look with SIL> Okay...but don't say I didn't warn you...

So, they order their meals. BRO was not joking when he says they go overboard. They ordered a lot of <mrkitty pining for home and copious amounts of delicious cuisine :'(> sushi and sashimi, and BIL orders a beef terriyaki meal. Ok. Cool. Everybody happy.

And then he orders some beer. He downs it quickly.

He orders a second one.

While waiting, he picks up a fork and examines it.

BIL: Whoa, this is really dirty.
Sever: <Delivers second beer>
BIL: Miss, miss, this fork is filthy. Bring me another one. <shoves it at her>
Server: I'm so sorry. Yes, of course. <She takes the fork and comes back a few seconds later>
BIL: <Examines it.> This one is dirty, too. I need a new one.
Server: Yes, of course. <She leaves and comes back with a new one>
BIL: <While waiting, examines the other cutlery at his plate. Examines his plate, too>
Server: <Comes back with new fork> Is this better, sir?
BIL: <Examines the fork> No. As a matter of fact, the whole place setting is filthy. Everything has water spots. And, see here....on this fork there is a speck of food. This place is probably a ptomaine joint. You should have a health inspection.
BRO: I'm sure it's okay. We've eaten here lots of times and it's always been great.
SIL: I'm sure it will be fine. Here - an extra napkin. We'll just wipe off this tiny water spot for you...
BIL: NO. That's disgusting. And look <Picking up water glass> there's dirt floating in the water
<There's nothing floating in the water>
Server: <Looks upset. Takes off>
BIL: <Water glass is slippery. Loses grip of water glass. Glass of water falls onto plate, shattering glass and splashing water everywhere. SIL and nieces jump back and shake off glass shards and water. SIL checks girls for cuts>
Server: Arrives with restaurant manager
Manager: Is there a problem, here?
BRO: There's no problem...my brother-in-law had a small accident with the water..
BIL: You're (dang) right there's a problem. This place is filthy and your stupid water glass was defective and it broke...
BRO: <Frantically shaking his head no, no, no....so desperate now he mouths the words "drunk" silently to manager, who seems to understand>
Manager (to BRO): Perhaps you'd like your meal to go?
BRO: Yes, that would be great, thank you.
Manager: <Turns to BIL> Perhaps you would like to wait outside?
BIL: No, I'm not going to wait outside. You almost killed me and my family with your broken glass here. You owe us...
BRO gets up and pulls BIL out of his chair, pushing him towards the door
BRO: No, it's fine...don't worry about it...<Motions to SIL to pay the bill so he can wait outside with BIL>
Manager leaves, telling server to package meal when it's ready
SIL settles bill and picks up food.

They get home. SIL and girls set up dinner in kitchen, while BRO takes BIL upstairs to master bedroom and tells him to get some sleep. BIL lays down and passes out cold.

***Continued Below***

mrkitty:
BRO, SIL SIS and nieces eat dinner, clean up. They go into family room to watch movie after dinner.

SIS: I'm going upstairs to check on BIL

She goes. A few minutes later they come back down into the family room.

SIL (to BIL): Are you hungry at all? We saved your meal for you if you would like it...
BIL: No, I'm not hungry.
He gets up and disappears into the garage.
BRO: Girls, I think it's time for bed.
Nieces: (Complaining it's too early)
SIL: (Motions with her head to get upstairs. Now.)
Nieces: (Both say their goodnights and leave to go to bed)
BRO (to SIS): I think you need to control your husband
SIS: I don't need to control anyone. You're always controlling everyone. You have no right to control anybody.
SIS gets up to join BIL in garage.

BRO and SIL quietly discuss what they're going to do. They decide it's best just to call it a night and go to bed.

Around 3 a.m., BRO wakes up, needing to use the bathroom. He hears what sounds like agonized moaning coming from the direction of downstairs. He goes to investigate, concerned that someone's gotten hurt.

He goes downstairs only to discover that SIS is giving a Scrabble-related very special favor to BIL on the air mattress. In.The.Middle.OF.The.Living.Room.

He doesn't know what to do. Mortified, he turns around and hurries back upstairs. Should he turn on the light and confront them, and throw them the (eHell) out of the house? Should he pretend nothing happened? What if one of the girls should get up during the night and witness this distinctly X-Rated kid/adolescent UNFREINEDLY behavior?! What if by confronting them he draws attention to what they're doing and the girls find out?!

He is sorry now, but at the time he decided it was better just to pretend it didn't happen. He thought it was worse to draw attention to it. (I disagree, personally. I know. I promised I would try not to do this. But promises do get broken sometimes, don't they? I don't think mrkitty or Mr. mrkitty would let this one go with the possibility of the children walking in on this. This is where we would have kicked them out, personally. Others with better sense would have probably acted much sooner than this, I might add.)

SATURDAY MORNING
The happy newlyweds take their morning shower. SIL serves up breakfast - making dang sure there's plenty of bacon for BIL. BRO takes the trash out, only to discover that the three cases of beer in the garage are missing and the empty cans are strewn about the side yard. He spends the next few minutes cleaning that mess, as well as hosing down the wall and cement walkway from the dried and caked end results of the copious beer drinking.

The rest of the day proceeds basically normally. Well, as normal as it can in my family. The nieces disappear (who can blame them) to find something to do away from aunt and uncle special snowflake. SIL and BRO are condemned (by their own lack of believing me when I freaking WARNED them not to do this) to spend the day with SIS and BIL.

This time, there will be no trips to the winery and no adventure travels on the balloon ride to hell. No, no, no, my dears. Hell awaits at home.

The bulk of the day is spent in the family room, with BRO and BIL comparing their respective careers. See, this is where SIS made the mistake. She thought they would have LOTS in common with each other because they are both ex-military (same branch, different ranks, different assignments (I don't know the correct terminology. Is it M.O.S.? Please accept my apologies on that if I am incorrect.).  Put two massive egos in the same room and what do you get? Bickering.  ***Please NOTE: this is not to imply, in any way, shape or form, that I think all (or any) people with military backgrounds have over-large egos or that there is anything whatsoever wrong with the wonderful people who serve, for whom I have the utmost appreciation and respect, or that members/former members of the military behave remotely like this (here, or later in this post). I just think these two particular individuals are goofy. I just want to make that perfectly clear so that there is no question that I am implying any correlation between military service and the bat-poo crazy behavior of these two particular individuals. Because there isn't.)

And then, SIS thoughtfully changed the subject to the divorce. Fortunately, BIL had a stash of beer in the trunk of his car, so he had plenty on hand to fuel his angry expletive-laden tirade. BIL recounted, in excruciating detail, all the ways in which SIS's ex-husband ruined their lives and his fiances, bleeding him of his life savings in funding SIS's divorce proceedings and various lawsuits/countersuits/legal defense team to fight off domestic violence charges/various restraining orders - ad nauseum. Much (hopefully discreet) eye rolling ensued.


***Continued Below***

mrkitty:
DINNER...AND AFTER DINNER ACTIVITIES
SIL took great care to ensure that there was plenty of BEEF at the table, so no trouble.

After it was cleaned up, BRO decided it was a good idea to play a nice, friendly family board game. (In our family, mind board games were very popular. We had a board game from the Old Country that we've played for longer than I've been alive, that is similar to the American board game Sorry!, in which little colored pawns go around the board trying to "knock out" the competition's pieces. Those of you in the UK might be familiar with Ludo, which is said to be similar there.) The game is called Mensch ärgere Dich nicht!, which in English translates into "Don't get angry, Buddy!"

<mrkitty must pause for a moment to choke on the irony>

Ahem. Sorry about that. Moving on.

So they start playing. Everyone in my family is intimately familiar with the strategy and rules of the game, as we have played since we before we could speak. SIL did not grow up with it, and thus does not fully appreciate its diabolical charm, but being the kindhearted, patient spirit and good sport that she is, has learned the rules and gamely plays along. The two nieces are pretty much into it. Again, raised on it. SIS knows the game well, and plays.

BIL isn't that much into it. He doesn't pay any attention while BRO explains the rules and strategy. BIL starts acting impatient, tapping his fingers and writhing around in his chair. Clearly, BIL is not interested in this activity. (I am going to interject again here and say that imo it was a bad idea to attempt to make BIL play this game when he obviously did not want to. I'm going to have to come down on the side of BIL/SIS on this one and say that part was rude.) In fact, I believe BIL even said something to the effect that he thought the game was stupid and didn't want to play it, and while I think he could have expressed his preference more politely, I agree that he was well within his right to decline to play. BUT...my brother CAN be rather controlling (SIS was right about that, I must say) and when he decides he wants to do something, well....it's difficult to say no. Trust me on that. It's just easier to go along.

So they play for a while. BRO applies himself with laser-like concentration, intent on winning at all costs (which, honestly, is the point of the game), SIL plays along and doesn't take it seriously, SIS gets into it (again, mrkitty maiden surename genes happening here), and the nieces are pretty enthusiastic - because, hey, the point is to win by keeping the other guy from winning. All good fun, no?  ;D

But BIL is not so interested. He keeps busy by drinking his beer and finding ways to distract himself from this terribly, terribly boring activity. (I kind of like the game myself, but I can appreciate how those who don't can find it boring if one is not into it). One of the ways he finds to distract himself involves little Arlene, the nine-year-old.

Being that she's still pretty short and not yet tall enough to reach the far end of the board to move her pawns, she stands up so she can reach for them herself. (You CAN have a family member move your pieces for you, but considering that this is NOT a trust-building activity, AND it involves interacting with implacable enemies family, it is our tradition that it is not wise to avail oneself of the service of relatives.)  ;D So, Arlene wisely chose to move the pieces for herself.

Each time she stood up to move one of her pawns when her turn came up, BIL, who was seated next to her, moved her chair away from her. The first couple of times, BRO told me, it was pretty funny. (I disagree.) And Arlene laughed it off. (Unfortunately. I, myself, do not possess that level of patience.)

Eventually, though, she got tired of it and asked him to please stop. But, BIL being BIL, chose not to. He did it a few more times, and this time Arlene was more firm about expressing her annoyance and her desire that he STOP.MOVING.HER.CHAIR. BRO interjected, saying that if he doesn't want to play anymore, he is welcome to exit the game and do as he pleases anywhere else in the house.

BIL said, no, no, I'll continue playing.

So, for Arlene's next couple of turns, he stopped moving her chair. So, she let her guard down and trusted that the chair would still be there when she was done with her turn.

Ah, but the next time, BIL (ever the charmingly clever fellow that he is) decided that it would be EXTRA FUN to relocate the chair now that Arlene isn't expecting it. So her turn came around and she stood up and she moved her pieces. When she completed her turn she moved to sit back down and PLOP fell right on the floor. Hard. Straight onto her spine, whose fall was broken by her heels, which were folded under her legs in a sitting position, and bonked her head on the edge of the dining table.

And then she started to cry, because it HURT.  :'(

Okay. This is where the scene gets UGLY.

SIL gets up to check on Arlene to see how badly she's hurt, or if she's just stunned. BRO leaps out of his chair and pulls BIL out of his by his collar. SIS gets out of her chair and pushes herself in between BRO and BIL to protect BIL. Betsy sits there in stunned silence, watching this bizarre scene play out before her.

BRO: KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF MY DAUGHTER.
SIS: DON'T TOUCH MY HUSBAND!
BRO: I told you to control your husband!
SIS: It's not my job to control him; he's an adult!
BRO: That would be true if he acted like one! But since he's your guest he's your responsibility to monitor what he does in my house!
SIS: <Shoves BRO>
BIL: <Steps in front of SIS. Pulls back his arm to strike BRO>
BRO: <Blocks BIL's right hook. BRO's left fist SMACKS BIL square on nose>
BIL: <Stumbles backward and falls into chair, which, in turn, the frame of chair crashes into window in the glass china cabinet. Shards of glass and broken crockery sparkle brilliantly in the light from the chandelier as they tumble gracefully onto the floor and in BIL's hair.>
SIS: <While screaming, lunges forward and knees BRO in that certain tender area that really, really seems to HURT>
BRO: <Reeling backwards, grabs SIS and puts her in a headlock>
SIS: <BITES BRO on forearm>
BRO: <Yanks on SIS's hair until she lets go>
BIL: <Gets out of chair to attempt to charge BRO>
BRO: <Using evasive maneuver, avoids being head-butted by BIL>
BIL: <Momentum propels BIL towards couch in living room>
BRO: <Grabs BIL and spins him around and pushes him into couch. Leaps on top of BIL. Using BIL's hair, continues to pull up and smash head into couch cushion>
SIL: <Rushes over to BIL/BRO. Takes landline phone handset. Smacks BRO in back of head to try to get him off BIL>
BRO: <Adrenaline and (I guess) pure rage prevents BRO from noticing phone attack. Attempts to gouge BILS eyes out with fingers>
BIL: <Thinking quickly, uses hand chop to midline of own nose/forehead to deflect eye-gouging fingers. Injures self in process>
BRO: <Backhand slaps BIL across his face. Stands up. Turns towards SIL. Requests that SIL call police.>
BIL: <Kicks BRO in his legs.>
BRO: <Knees buckle>
SIL: <Stands frozen in shock>
BRO: <Gets up. Pulls BIL up by collar. Again.>
BRO: GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.
BIL: <Grabs SIS and leaves.>
BRO: <Kicks the door shut behind them.>
BIL & SIS: <Tires screeching as they peel out of neighborhood.>

BRO: <Vows never to speak to SIS (or her DH) ever, ever, ever again.
SIS: <Vows never to speak to BRO ever, ever, ever again.
BIL: <Rants forever and plots revenge>
MrKitty: <Wonders WHEN BRO will ever believe her when she gives advice>
Mr. MrKitty: I could have predicted that would happen.

Well, sorry this was so long. And that it took so long to post. Did you enjoy? I feel the only thing that would have topped it was if BIL were to pull a couple of pistols out of his waistband and go all Det. Alonzo Harris in Training Day, but then, that wouldn't be exactly truthful. The truth is that he kindly left the firearm in the car this time. (Beyond the bacon-fed knave-ity of this gentleman, the mixture of alcohol with ammo is why this particular individual is not welcome at the mrkitty house. I, personally, enjoy a nice glass of wine, a cocktail every now and then, and even the occasional beer...and I also have nothing against firearms in and of themselves. I, myself, took firearms training in college (as I was seriously considering a career at the Federal law enforcement level at one time, but decided, ultimately, to choose a different major). However, the mrkitty family personally feels no particular desire for firepower at this time, while respecting the wishes, desires and freedoms of others to enjoy their rights. As long as they don't bring them to the mrkitty residence without letting us know first. Cats and guns don't mix, because they don't have thumbs and it wouldn't be fair. They'd probably get jealous.  ;)

I hope you enjoyed this journey into our family dynamics (I always say my family puts the "diss" into dysfunction), and that this gives you some insight into why I have the trust issues I do...and why therapy is such a good thing. And, if there was any question why DH and I moved AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE (WHILE REMAINING IN THE CONTINENTAL U.S.) FROM ALL FAMILY WHO ARE RELATED BY BLOOD OR MARRIAGE, hopefully this clears that up.

 ;D

PurpleFrog:
I'm sure there's a Hollywood bloc buster comedy in here with the right editing.


I hope that no earthquakes were caused when my jaw hit the floor and no one was hit when my eye popped.

Thanks for posting mrkitty.

Shotochick:
Wow. Just Wow.

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