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Author Topic: (LONG)The Legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006(TM) Plus: TMI warning  (Read 54840 times)

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So, by popular request, here is the Great and Terrible Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006(TM). Warning: TMI, Violence, Scrabble, Scrabble-related harassment, Family Dysfunction, Profound Immaturity...and humiliations galore.

A little background first. My beloved father died in February 2006. His dying wish, even though our family was dysfunctional and toxic and all four of us kids did not get along for the most part, was for us kids to be one big happy family. He always used to complain that we weren't, and although he had many, many good points, his gossip about us/to us helped to drive that wedge and create extra resentment between us all those years...but, we tried to make his wish happen. We tried to be that big happy family. It did not work. Now, you'll see why.

My sister (DS) went through a divorce in 2005/06. Her husband fell in love with another woman, who was his partner in a Scrabble tournament of sorts that he and DS participated in together. It was a very ugly divorce, involving real and imagined stalking behavior, various lawsuits involving the division of marital assets, revenge Scrabble, keying of cars, restraining orders, one arrest on domestic violence charges and general hatred from each side. You know, a typical ugly divorce.

Because she had been arrested for domestic violence (for an unfortunate incident in the kitchen involving a dispute over the ownership of a very special wooden cutting board and the elbow of a particular individual) and was assigned anger management AND her now-ex husband had secured a restraining order against her (claiming that she was stalking him), she wanted to prove that she no longer was interested in him after the divorce she hooked up with BIL#2, who from now on I will simply refer to as BIL for the sake of my typing. They married in mid-March, 2006.

They visited us on Easter weekend, 2006, as recounted in this thread: DH and I did not think the visit went very well.

Now, before I go on, I should make it clear that I was not present for the following incident; however, it was recounted to me in vivid, excruciating detail by both my brother and my sister so I have both sides from which to draw in compiling this report. I have compared the two versions and what I present to you this evening is the best I can weave together based on the accounts for which there is most agreement between the two (main) parties involved. I will endeavor to be as objective as I possibly can - although, you might sense (rightly) that I lean towards greater sympathy for one side just a smidgen more than the other. But I promise I will try to keep my editorializing to an absolute minimum to the best of my abilities as a human.

For your convenience, here's whose involved:
My brother: BRO
His Wife: SIL
Their two daughters (my fabulous nieces):
         "Betsy" (Age about 14 at the time)
         "Arlene" (Age about 10 at the time)
My sister: SIS
Her (present) husband: BIL

***Continued below***

« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 05:50:02 AM by mrkitty »


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Now we begin.

In October, 2006, in a phone conversation with my brother, he mentioned that he and his family were going to have SIS and BIL over for Thanksgiving weekend. He knew about the visit earlier in the year at my house, so I can sleep with a sound conscience, knowing I WARNED HIM. He cannot say I didn’t warn him. He said he was sure they would have a good time and that I had to be exaggerating about what happened at the mrkitty house. Ok. Fine…play that card if you want to, at your own peril. (BRO and I have our own dysfunctional history that in the last few years has healed nicely and now we're very close…but at the time relations were still somewhat fragile.)

BRO and his family live in Wine Country in Northern California. SIS and BIL were planning to drive up from their home in the desert southwest (in the other post I said it was the Mountain West, but I mis-spoke. I'm sorry. Geography.), about a 16 hour drive. They were supposed to arrive around noon on Thanksgiving day and stay through Sunday and then drive home again.

About 8 a.m. BRO received a phone call from SIS, informing him that their car broke down, and would be delayed for several hours, and probably wouldn't be able to get there until at least 5 p.m.  In our family, Thanksgiving Dinner is traditionally served around 4 p.m. BRO was sound asleep when they called (neither he nor myself are morning people) and though disappointed that they would need to push back dinner, he did indicate appreciation for the advance notice, said goodbye, and went back to sleep. Secretly he was relieved that there would be yet more time to sleep in. Yay!

At 8:05 a.m. the doorbell rang. Loudly and repeatedly. Startled awake, BRO went downstairs in his rumpled pajamas and messed up bed hair (we are vain people in my family and DO NOT LIKE to be surprised when we are not looking our best). Standing at the open door was SIS and BIL, laughing and whooping it up at their brilliant prank.

"We're here! We're here! Yay! We sure fooled you!!" They shouted.

Well, BRO assisted them in and help them set up their digs in the living room. He had one of those air mattresses, so he set that up for them and showed them around and let them get comfortable while he went upstairs to dress. Meanwhile, SIL came down to serve breakfast.

BRO and SIS each (independently) told me the afternoon went along more or less smoothly.

They all sat in the family room talking and catching up (or getting to know each other) while SIL and SIS (who assisted from time to time) prepared the meal in the kitchen.

(That is one scary part and one reason among many that I'm glad I did not attend. SIS can.not.cook. One time she attempted making a pound cake whose recipe called for lemon zest. Well, she used the dish soap for that. Lemon Zest. Says so right on the bottle. She didn't know that lemon zest (for cooking and baking) is actually supposed to be ground lemon rind. {Shakes head} I'm not kidding. I know you think I'm making this up, but I'm not kidding about this. I stay away from her food. Another time she made a chicken dish FOR OUR SICK FATHER ON HIS DEATH BED that she got from some gourmet recipe book. (Yes, I know, you don't have to tell me. Lung cancer. Chemo. Special diet. Didn't matter to her. It was a chance for her to show off her mad skillz, don'cha know?) The recipe was for macadamia-encrusted chicken with mint sauce. Well, the recipe called for mint, but she didn't have any. So she used toothpaste. Toothpaste. Don't worry. Dad didn't get the food because there was an "accident" in kitchen in  which the chicken dish was "unfortunately" destroyed and his doctor-prescribed food served instead once my other sister walked in on her - thank goodness it wasn't too late. The scary part is that now she's preparing meals for a special needs child who has severe food allergies and digestive disorders in addition to his Autism  :'().

So, the food issue alone is one reason I was happy not being there. My diet may not be all that healthy, and I may not be the most talented cook in the world, but I don't put household cleaning products in the food I serve and I try real hard not to poison people.  :(

***Continued below***
« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 06:45:08 AM by mrkitty »


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Sorry for digressing.

So, they sat around talking until dinner time. According to BRO, BIL found the beer in the garage refrigerator and spent the rest of the afternoon getting more and more intoxicated, all the while louder and more animated when discussing SIS's ex-husband (who had filed restraining orders against BIL during the divorce proceedings as well). Because BIL funded SIS's legal representation during the late stages of her divorce, he had a special, burning hatred for ex-husband against whom certain threats were leveled. (Let's pause here for a moment. You do remember I told BRO about our experience at Easter, right? And the involvement of beer in the activities that commenced, right? Well, apparently, BRO either didn't take what I said seriously or he forgot. Sorry. Moving on.)

According to BRO, during the afternoon as BIL became more intoxicated, his discussion about SIS's ex became....more colorful as well as loud and animated. Normally, the colorful language is not a problem in our family, as us kids can have potty mouths at times with each other - but our policy is to keep it kid-friendly in front of any kids and any non-siblings (except spouses). But in this instance, policy was supposed to be in force because "Betsy" and "Arlene" were present - so colorful language was verbotten. KWIM?

At that point, BRO spoke up and asked him to tone down the colorful language for the sake of the children. To her credit, even SIS nudged BIL to get him to calm down. According to both versions, he did manage to reign it in - for a while - and BRO excused the girls and invited them to go elsewhere in the house to entertain themselves until dinner time.

Finally, Thanksgiving Dinner was served. Everyone was seated. It was mostly uneventful, except BRO said he didn't eat turkey. Meat and potatoes, remember? Didn't SIL have any "real meat" in the house? Bewildered looks were exchanged between BRO and SIL. SIL, being the accommodating sweetheart/saint that she is, went to the kitchen to try to find something to whip up for Mr. Patron Saint of Special Snowflakes for Ever and All Time. I think she found a couple of frozen NY strips and offered to grill them up, which BIL accepted. Meanwhile, mashed potatoes and gravy didn't go with steak (according to BIL), so what he needed was a baked potato instead....fortunately, SIL didn't use all of them for the mashed potatoes, so she delayed eating HER dinner to whip up another for Mr. Finicky.

After dinner was completed (late, thanks to BIL), and SIL (with help from nieces) cleaned up, the girls were excused for the evening and the two adult couples retired to the living room for coffee, or in BIL's case - can you guess?? - beer.

The rest of the evening was spent with BIL showing BRO and SIL a loooooooooong slideshow demonstrating all the structural problems with the new house they just bought. In excruciating, Cliff Claven-esque Florida Vacation Photos detail, until BRO mentioned that they have (relatively) early plans for tomorrow and they must surely be tired.....

So BRO and SIS said goodnight to SIS and BIL and scooted off to bed. Mercifully, the night passed uneventfully.

***Continued below***


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Betsy and Arlene went off to their respective friends' houses to hang out for the day while BRO and SIL took SIS and BIL out sightseeing.

Being that they lived in famous Wine Country, they decided it would be nice to take them on a wine-tasting tour of the local wineries, and then a hot-air-balloon ride to take in the gorgeous vistas of the countryside. Surely, you can see where this is going, can't you? No, I don't think you might have an idea, but there are things you can't possibly guess.

BRO told me later he was a bit worried about taking BIL to a venue containing lots of alcohol because of the day before....but I come from a people who are apparently blind to fiercely waving red flags and deaf to desperate pleas of warning from concerned individuals. But I digress.

I don't know how much experience everyone has with wineries. Being that I was born and raised in the region, I've been to a couple, but not very many. Not to insult anyone's intelligence if you're already familiar with how it works (and I apologize if I do, I sincerely don't mean to), for those who haven't been to one, the idea is not to drink so much wine that you actually get drunk, but rather take a sip or two to sample different vintages and blends.

Anyhow, that's what you're expected to do. You sit down, the server brings you several wine glasses, and pours a small amount into the wine glass so that there is a few sips in each one. They will come by as many times as you like to give you more, if you request it. And then when they do, they don't fill your cup - just a few more sips at a time.

SIS started to flirt with the waiter. Shamelessly, according to BRO. To the point where SIL and BIL became visibly uncomfortable.

The server poured a sample of wine in each glass at the table. SIS looked at it and said "is this all you're giving me? That's not enough. I'm a birthday girl - my birthday is coming up soon and I deserve more wine! You know, to celebrate my birthday!"

BRO: Your birthday isn't until April.
SIS: So? I didn't say it was today. But it's still coming up....and it's time to start to party!
Server: <Looking slightly confused> Ok. (He pours more wine so she has half a glass.
SIS: You're cute!
Server: Thank you. <Looks to be in early 20's. Looks embarrassed>
SIS nudges BIL in his ribs
SIS: BIL is getting old and you're young and hot...if BIL doesn't work out, I know where to find you <winks seductively>
Server: <Looks extremely embarrassed> Ok, well, does anyone need anything else?
BRO: No, thank you, we're all set
Server: <Looking relieved> Ok, well, if you need anything else, I'll be back soon... <practically runs away>
SIS: <Shouting after server> Yes, come back soon! You know what I need!
BRO: <Leans in to speak to SIS> What the eHell are you doing!
SIS: <Feigning complete innocence> What do you mean?
BRO: You're embarrassing us!
SIS: Oh, grow up. I'm just having a good time.
BIL: <Starts looking sullen and very, very quiet. Starts drinking the wine. Flags down waiter for more>
Server: <Looking apprehensive> Would you like more, sir?
BIL: Fill 'er up
Server: Yes, of course <pours in a few sips worth so the glass is half full>
BIL: No, all the way
Server fills BIL's glass and BIL downs it in one gulp
SIS: Yes, all the way <smiling suggestively and leering at the server as she giggles and shoves her empty glass towards him>
BRO: <whispering in the direction of SIS> Stop it.
SIS: <glares at BRO> Fill it all the way up! You haven't even given me enough to get me (a vulgar word for "aroused")!
BIL: That's it. I'm out of here. <Scoots out of booth and heads for the door>
Server: I'm sorry, ma'am, but I don't think I can serve you any more. May I offer you some coffee? On the house?
SIS: There's only one thing you can offer me on the house, and it ain't coffee...
Server: I'm sorry, ma'am, but your behavior is offensive to me. I'm going to have to close out your tab now. <He turns to BRO/SIL> I'm very sorry, but...
BRO: No, it's okay. Just please bring us the check and we'll leave immediately.
Server: Yes, sir. <Leaves to get check>
BRO: What did you do that for?!
SIS: Nobody has a sense of humor
BRO: That wasn't funny. You just s@xually harassed the server! I think we should go home
SIL: No, no, let's not ruin the day. SIS didn't mean to cause any trouble...did you, SIS?
SIS: No, let's just leave
Server: <Returns with check, apologizes again> You can either pay me here or at the front
BRO: We'll just pay on our way out. I'm so sorry about this...
Server: Don't worry about it. Things like this happen sometimes...

BRO pays the front cashier and leave the restaurant. They find BIL standing next to the car, waiting to leave. Not looking especially happy.

BRO: <Turns to BIL and quietly says> Uh, would you prefer to go home?
BIL: No. Not at all. Let's go on and see all the other wonderful things you have planned for today.

BRO and SIL trade apprehensive looks....and proceed to drive to the small airport where the hot air balloon place is. They arrive, get out of the car, and are led to the cockpit of the hot air balloon. It's standing only, no seats. One or two other couples get on board too. (I can't remember exactly) Seven or nine people total, including the captain.

***Continued below***
« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 05:05:21 AM by mrkitty »


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Pretty much the ride starts smoothly, except BIL won't stop talking.

BIL: Whoa. Whoa! Clear air turbulence ahead!
BRO: What do you mean? This is not rough at all.
BIL: This thing is going all over the place! <Throws his hands in the air and makes wild flailing gestures with his arms while attempting to "rock" the cockpit by shifting his weight from one leg to the other>
Captain: Please hold on, sir.
BIL: You don't know how to fly, man! <Continues his flailing/rocking motion>
Captain: I'm going to have to ask you to stop that, sir.
BIL: Come on, man! Give us a ride! This is boring!
Captain: If you don't calm down, sir, I'm going to have to land.
Another male passenger: Could you please stop it? We would like to enjoy the ride.
BIL: Hey, ain't I giving you a ride? This ***h*** doesn't know what he's doing!
BRO: <Moving closer to BIL> You need to stop it right now.
Captain: Please sir, stop this.
BIL: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! <Jumping up and down> Come on, man, grow a pair! Give these (expletive deleted) a ride to remember!
Captain: Ok, that's it. We're going to land now.
BRO: dingdangity it, SIL, I told you we should have just gone home!
SIL: <Looks mortified>
SIS: <Giggles hysterically>
BRO: Moves in to shove BIL against wall of cockpit to stop him from jumping up and down and flailing
BIL: Hey, get your hands off me
BRO: I will if you promise to calm the (expletive) down. Now.
BIL: Ok, okay. You obviously can't take a joke
BRO: You're endangering all of us. This isn't funny. Now calm down.
Meanwhile, the captain found an open field and started to lower the balloon.
Captain: Men, please move yourselves between the women and the wall of the cockpit. The landing is going to be a bit rough.
BRO: <glares threateningly at BIL>
BIL: <Stays quiet for once>
The landing is slightly rough. The women in the cockpit are shoved with some force up against the men, but nobody seems hurt. (I have never been ballooning before, so I can't know whether what happened is normal or not, but my brother, who goes ballooning every once in a while, tells me that a normal landing in a balloon isn't exactly a soft landing - it's not an airliner, after all, so the landing, according to him, was pretty standard. But truthfully, I personally have no way of discerning what is usual or not  so I'm going to have to trust my brother on this one. Those of you who have more experience than I, feel free to correct me, because honestly I don't know.)

Captain: Ok, we need to exit the balloon now. <He gets on his cell phone and calls the company to inform them where they landed so they can send a truck to pick up the balloon and a van for the passengers.>
Captain: Ok, we're going to go ahead and fold up the balloon this is what we're going to do....
(According to my brother, that's how ALL balloon rides don't always land where you started, so when you land somewhere else, as a passenger part of the "fun" is helping to fold up the balloon afterwards...again...I've never been, so if you have done it differently, be my guest to add your thoughts...>
BIL: (To BRO): Oh, this is great.  You sure know how to plan a wonderful time...first they almost kill us and then we have to do their job for them and clean up their mess
BRO: <Glares menacingly at BIL> Let's just get this done and go home. Okay?
BIL: Sloooooowly moves to help fold up the balloon, ranting and raving the entire time

***Continued below***
« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 05:12:53 AM by mrkitty »


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Once they get home, BRO announces he's going to watch a movie in the family room and anyone is welcome to join him. SIL says she is going to go pick up the girls. SIS sits down in living room and gets on her laptop. BIL is nowhere to be found.

Later on, they decide to go out to dinner. It is Friday night. Everyone claims to like Japanese food (BRO is crazy about it, as is SIS and the girls (and auntie mrkitty, fwiw) and BIL CLAIMS TO LOVE IT. (You DO remember, do you not, that he is rabidly meat and potatoes only? Of course you do.) Well, it IS true that all Japanese cuisine isn't limited to only sushi and sashimi. They do have beef terriyaki and other dishes as well. This being the larger SF bay area, there is a great variety of excellent Asian restaurants that offer a wonderful variety of their respective cuisines. <mrkitty salivating and homesick>

So, despite mrkitty's previous experience AND WARNINGS (not to mention the unfortunate culinary events the night before - inexplicable to me!!!) - they all go out to enjoy a delicious Japanese dinner....

The group, including the nieces, sit down at a large table in the restaurant. BIL generously offers to buy them all dinner as a treat and a thank you for the hospitality.

BRO: That's really nice of you....but do you realize how expensive this is going to be? I mean, I am CRAZY (well, that's about the truest thing my brother ever said, hehe! ;D) about Japanese food. I eat A LOT of it....and the rest of the family does, too. I want to give you a chance to not do this, BIL - it might be a bit of a shock when you get the check and I don't want to put this on you. Maybe you can treat us for dinner another night to a restaurant where we don't go so overboard...

BIL: No, no, this is fine! It's my treat. Least I can do. You guys have been great to us.
BRO: <Trades a baffled look with SIL> Okay...but don't say I didn't warn you...

So, they order their meals. BRO was not joking when he says they go overboard. They ordered a lot of <mrkitty pining for home and copious amounts of delicious cuisine :'(> sushi and sashimi, and BIL orders a beef terriyaki meal. Ok. Cool. Everybody happy.

And then he orders some beer. He downs it quickly.

He orders a second one.

While waiting, he picks up a fork and examines it.

BIL: Whoa, this is really dirty.
Sever: <Delivers second beer>
BIL: Miss, miss, this fork is filthy. Bring me another one. <shoves it at her>
Server: I'm so sorry. Yes, of course. <She takes the fork and comes back a few seconds later>
BIL: <Examines it.> This one is dirty, too. I need a new one.
Server: Yes, of course. <She leaves and comes back with a new one>
BIL: <While waiting, examines the other cutlery at his plate. Examines his plate, too>
Server: <Comes back with new fork> Is this better, sir?
BIL: <Examines the fork> No. As a matter of fact, the whole place setting is filthy. Everything has water spots. And, see here....on this fork there is a speck of food. This place is probably a ptomaine joint. You should have a health inspection.
BRO: I'm sure it's okay. We've eaten here lots of times and it's always been great.
SIL: I'm sure it will be fine. Here - an extra napkin. We'll just wipe off this tiny water spot for you...
BIL: NO. That's disgusting. And look <Picking up water glass> there's dirt floating in the water
<There's nothing floating in the water>
Server: <Looks upset. Takes off>
BIL: <Water glass is slippery. Loses grip of water glass. Glass of water falls onto plate, shattering glass and splashing water everywhere. SIL and nieces jump back and shake off glass shards and water. SIL checks girls for cuts>
Server: Arrives with restaurant manager
Manager: Is there a problem, here?
BRO: There's no brother-in-law had a small accident with the water..
BIL: You're (dang) right there's a problem. This place is filthy and your stupid water glass was defective and it broke...
BRO: <Frantically shaking his head no, no, desperate now he mouths the words "drunk" silently to manager, who seems to understand>
Manager (to BRO): Perhaps you'd like your meal to go?
BRO: Yes, that would be great, thank you.
Manager: <Turns to BIL> Perhaps you would like to wait outside?
BIL: No, I'm not going to wait outside. You almost killed me and my family with your broken glass here. You owe us...
BRO gets up and pulls BIL out of his chair, pushing him towards the door
BRO: No, it's fine...don't worry about it...<Motions to SIL to pay the bill so he can wait outside with BIL>
Manager leaves, telling server to package meal when it's ready
SIL settles bill and picks up food.

They get home. SIL and girls set up dinner in kitchen, while BRO takes BIL upstairs to master bedroom and tells him to get some sleep. BIL lays down and passes out cold.

***Continued Below***
« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 06:04:39 AM by mrkitty »


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BRO, SIL SIS and nieces eat dinner, clean up. They go into family room to watch movie after dinner.

SIS: I'm going upstairs to check on BIL

She goes. A few minutes later they come back down into the family room.

SIL (to BIL): Are you hungry at all? We saved your meal for you if you would like it...
BIL: No, I'm not hungry.
He gets up and disappears into the garage.
BRO: Girls, I think it's time for bed.
Nieces: (Complaining it's too early)
SIL: (Motions with her head to get upstairs. Now.)
Nieces: (Both say their goodnights and leave to go to bed)
BRO (to SIS): I think you need to control your husband
SIS: I don't need to control anyone. You're always controlling everyone. You have no right to control anybody.
SIS gets up to join BIL in garage.

BRO and SIL quietly discuss what they're going to do. They decide it's best just to call it a night and go to bed.

Around 3 a.m., BRO wakes up, needing to use the bathroom. He hears what sounds like agonized moaning coming from the direction of downstairs. He goes to investigate, concerned that someone's gotten hurt.

He goes downstairs only to discover that SIS is giving a Scrabble-related very special favor to BIL on the air mattress. In.The.Middle.OF.The.Living.Room.

He doesn't know what to do. Mortified, he turns around and hurries back upstairs. Should he turn on the light and confront them, and throw them the (eHell) out of the house? Should he pretend nothing happened? What if one of the girls should get up during the night and witness this distinctly X-Rated kid/adolescent UNFREINEDLY behavior?! What if by confronting them he draws attention to what they're doing and the girls find out?!

He is sorry now, but at the time he decided it was better just to pretend it didn't happen. He thought it was worse to draw attention to it. (I disagree, personally. I know. I promised I would try not to do this. But promises do get broken sometimes, don't they? I don't think mrkitty or Mr. mrkitty would let this one go with the possibility of the children walking in on this. This is where we would have kicked them out, personally. Others with better sense would have probably acted much sooner than this, I might add.)

The happy newlyweds take their morning shower. SIL serves up breakfast - making dang sure there's plenty of bacon for BIL. BRO takes the trash out, only to discover that the three cases of beer in the garage are missing and the empty cans are strewn about the side yard. He spends the next few minutes cleaning that mess, as well as hosing down the wall and cement walkway from the dried and caked end results of the copious beer drinking.

The rest of the day proceeds basically normally. Well, as normal as it can in my family. The nieces disappear (who can blame them) to find something to do away from aunt and uncle special snowflake. SIL and BRO are condemned (by their own lack of believing me when I freaking WARNED them not to do this) to spend the day with SIS and BIL.

This time, there will be no trips to the winery and no adventure travels on the balloon ride to hell. No, no, no, my dears. Hell awaits at home.

The bulk of the day is spent in the family room, with BRO and BIL comparing their respective careers. See, this is where SIS made the mistake. She thought they would have LOTS in common with each other because they are both ex-military (same branch, different ranks, different assignments (I don't know the correct terminology. Is it M.O.S.? Please accept my apologies on that if I am incorrect.).  Put two massive egos in the same room and what do you get? Bickering.  ***Please NOTE: this is not to imply, in any way, shape or form, that I think all (or any) people with military backgrounds have over-large egos or that there is anything whatsoever wrong with the wonderful people who serve, for whom I have the utmost appreciation and respect, or that members/former members of the military behave remotely like this (here, or later in this post). I just think these two particular individuals are goofy. I just want to make that perfectly clear so that there is no question that I am implying any correlation between military service and the bat-poo crazy behavior of these two particular individuals. Because there isn't.)

And then, SIS thoughtfully changed the subject to the divorce. Fortunately, BIL had a stash of beer in the trunk of his car, so he had plenty on hand to fuel his angry expletive-laden tirade. BIL recounted, in excruciating detail, all the ways in which SIS's ex-husband ruined their lives and his fiances, bleeding him of his life savings in funding SIS's divorce proceedings and various lawsuits/countersuits/legal defense team to fight off domestic violence charges/various restraining orders - ad nauseum. Much (hopefully discreet) eye rolling ensued.

***Continued Below***
« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 05:20:24 AM by mrkitty »


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SIL took great care to ensure that there was plenty of BEEF at the table, so no trouble.

After it was cleaned up, BRO decided it was a good idea to play a nice, friendly family board game. (In our family, mind board games were very popular. We had a board game from the Old Country that we've played for longer than I've been alive, that is similar to the American board game Sorry!, in which little colored pawns go around the board trying to "knock out" the competition's pieces. Those of you in the UK might be familiar with Ludo, which is said to be similar there.) The game is called Mensch ärgere Dich nicht!, which in English translates into "Don't get angry, Buddy!"

<mrkitty must pause for a moment to choke on the irony>

Ahem. Sorry about that. Moving on.

So they start playing. Everyone in my family is intimately familiar with the strategy and rules of the game, as we have played since we before we could speak. SIL did not grow up with it, and thus does not fully appreciate its diabolical charm, but being the kindhearted, patient spirit and good sport that she is, has learned the rules and gamely plays along. The two nieces are pretty much into it. Again, raised on it. SIS knows the game well, and plays.

BIL isn't that much into it. He doesn't pay any attention while BRO explains the rules and strategy. BIL starts acting impatient, tapping his fingers and writhing around in his chair. Clearly, BIL is not interested in this activity. (I am going to interject again here and say that imo it was a bad idea to attempt to make BIL play this game when he obviously did not want to. I'm going to have to come down on the side of BIL/SIS on this one and say that part was rude.) In fact, I believe BIL even said something to the effect that he thought the game was stupid and didn't want to play it, and while I think he could have expressed his preference more politely, I agree that he was well within his right to decline to play. brother CAN be rather controlling (SIS was right about that, I must say) and when he decides he wants to do something,'s difficult to say no. Trust me on that. It's just easier to go along.

So they play for a while. BRO applies himself with laser-like concentration, intent on winning at all costs (which, honestly, is the point of the game), SIL plays along and doesn't take it seriously, SIS gets into it (again, mrkitty maiden surename genes happening here), and the nieces are pretty enthusiastic - because, hey, the point is to win by keeping the other guy from winning. All good fun, no?  ;D

But BIL is not so interested. He keeps busy by drinking his beer and finding ways to distract himself from this terribly, terribly boring activity. (I kind of like the game myself, but I can appreciate how those who don't can find it boring if one is not into it). One of the ways he finds to distract himself involves little Arlene, the nine-year-old.

Being that she's still pretty short and not yet tall enough to reach the far end of the board to move her pawns, she stands up so she can reach for them herself. (You CAN have a family member move your pieces for you, but considering that this is NOT a trust-building activity, AND it involves interacting with implacable enemies family, it is our tradition that it is not wise to avail oneself of the service of relatives.)  ;D So, Arlene wisely chose to move the pieces for herself.

Each time she stood up to move one of her pawns when her turn came up, BIL, who was seated next to her, moved her chair away from her. The first couple of times, BRO told me, it was pretty funny. (I disagree.) And Arlene laughed it off. (Unfortunately. I, myself, do not possess that level of patience.)

Eventually, though, she got tired of it and asked him to please stop. But, BIL being BIL, chose not to. He did it a few more times, and this time Arlene was more firm about expressing her annoyance and her desire that he STOP.MOVING.HER.CHAIR. BRO interjected, saying that if he doesn't want to play anymore, he is welcome to exit the game and do as he pleases anywhere else in the house.

BIL said, no, no, I'll continue playing.

So, for Arlene's next couple of turns, he stopped moving her chair. So, she let her guard down and trusted that the chair would still be there when she was done with her turn.

Ah, but the next time, BIL (ever the charmingly clever fellow that he is) decided that it would be EXTRA FUN to relocate the chair now that Arlene isn't expecting it. So her turn came around and she stood up and she moved her pieces. When she completed her turn she moved to sit back down and PLOP fell right on the floor. Hard. Straight onto her spine, whose fall was broken by her heels, which were folded under her legs in a sitting position, and bonked her head on the edge of the dining table.

And then she started to cry, because it HURT.  :'(

Okay. This is where the scene gets UGLY.

SIL gets up to check on Arlene to see how badly she's hurt, or if she's just stunned. BRO leaps out of his chair and pulls BIL out of his by his collar. SIS gets out of her chair and pushes herself in between BRO and BIL to protect BIL. Betsy sits there in stunned silence, watching this bizarre scene play out before her.

BRO: I told you to control your husband!
SIS: It's not my job to control him; he's an adult!
BRO: That would be true if he acted like one! But since he's your guest he's your responsibility to monitor what he does in my house!
SIS: <Shoves BRO>
BIL: <Steps in front of SIS. Pulls back his arm to strike BRO>
BRO: <Blocks BIL's right hook. BRO's left fist SMACKS BIL square on nose>
BIL: <Stumbles backward and falls into chair, which, in turn, the frame of chair crashes into window in the glass china cabinet. Shards of glass and broken crockery sparkle brilliantly in the light from the chandelier as they tumble gracefully onto the floor and in BIL's hair.>
SIS: <While screaming, lunges forward and knees BRO in that certain tender area that really, really seems to HURT>
BRO: <Reeling backwards, grabs SIS and puts her in a headlock>
SIS: <BITES BRO on forearm>
BRO: <Yanks on SIS's hair until she lets go>
BIL: <Gets out of chair to attempt to charge BRO>
BRO: <Using evasive maneuver, avoids being head-butted by BIL>
BIL: <Momentum propels BIL towards couch in living room>
BRO: <Grabs BIL and spins him around and pushes him into couch. Leaps on top of BIL. Using BIL's hair, continues to pull up and smash head into couch cushion>
SIL: <Rushes over to BIL/BRO. Takes landline phone handset. Smacks BRO in back of head to try to get him off BIL>
BRO: <Adrenaline and (I guess) pure rage prevents BRO from noticing phone attack. Attempts to gouge BILS eyes out with fingers>
BIL: <Thinking quickly, uses hand chop to midline of own nose/forehead to deflect eye-gouging fingers. Injures self in process>
BRO: <Backhand slaps BIL across his face. Stands up. Turns towards SIL. Requests that SIL call police.>
BIL: <Kicks BRO in his legs.>
BRO: <Knees buckle>
SIL: <Stands frozen in shock>
BRO: <Gets up. Pulls BIL up by collar. Again.>
BIL: <Grabs SIS and leaves.>
BRO: <Kicks the door shut behind them.>
BIL & SIS: <Tires screeching as they peel out of neighborhood.>

BRO: <Vows never to speak to SIS (or her DH) ever, ever, ever again.
SIS: <Vows never to speak to BRO ever, ever, ever again.
BIL: <Rants forever and plots revenge>
MrKitty: <Wonders WHEN BRO will ever believe her when she gives advice>
Mr. MrKitty: I could have predicted that would happen.

Well, sorry this was so long. And that it took so long to post. Did you enjoy? I feel the only thing that would have topped it was if BIL were to pull a couple of pistols out of his waistband and go all Det. Alonzo Harris in Training Day, but then, that wouldn't be exactly truthful. The truth is that he kindly left the firearm in the car this time. (Beyond the bacon-fed knave-ity of this gentleman, the mixture of alcohol with ammo is why this particular individual is not welcome at the mrkitty house. I, personally, enjoy a nice glass of wine, a cocktail every now and then, and even the occasional beer...and I also have nothing against firearms in and of themselves. I, myself, took firearms training in college (as I was seriously considering a career at the Federal law enforcement level at one time, but decided, ultimately, to choose a different major). However, the mrkitty family personally feels no particular desire for firepower at this time, while respecting the wishes, desires and freedoms of others to enjoy their rights. As long as they don't bring them to the mrkitty residence without letting us know first. Cats and guns don't mix, because they don't have thumbs and it wouldn't be fair. They'd probably get jealous.  ;)

I hope you enjoyed this journey into our family dynamics (I always say my family puts the "diss" into dysfunction), and that this gives you some insight into why I have the trust issues I do...and why therapy is such a good thing. And, if there was any question why DH and I moved AS FAR AWAY AS POSSIBLE (WHILE REMAINING IN THE CONTINENTAL U.S.) FROM ALL FAMILY WHO ARE RELATED BY BLOOD OR MARRIAGE, hopefully this clears that up.

« Last Edit: January 16, 2013, 07:10:17 AM by mrkitty »


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I'm sure there's a Hollywood bloc buster comedy in here with the right editing.

I hope that no earthquakes were caused when my jaw hit the floor and no one was hit when my eye popped.

Thanks for posting mrkitty.
I love you, but if Zombies are chasing us I'm tripping you up.


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Wow. Just Wow.
An Aussie Foodies Adventures Abroad:


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Quite entertainingly written, Mr.Kitty!

Now maybe they'll listen!


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I am going to just leave my jaw there for a while.

That's simultaneously one of the most appalling and also well-written things I have ever read.



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Re: The Legendary Thanksgiving Blowout Extravaganza 2006(TM) Plus: TMI warning
« Reply #12 on: January 16, 2013, 06:09:27 AM »
Wow... just, wow.



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oz diva

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Sorry, this occurred in 2006, it is now 2013 and you can remember the conversations word for word? I think it's time you put it behind you and moved on.  Oh and avoid BIL.