"I'm Sorry, but" is Not Really an Apology

[BeagleMommy]

Monday morning I had serious blood sugar drop.  I hadn't passed out, but DH needed to give me quite a bit of glucose to get me back to lucidity.  Once I had my faculties about me I tested my blood sugar with his assistance.  I use a small lancing device to wingadingdingy my finger and draw blood.  It's about the size of a flash drive.  After I tested, DH took the lancing device and monitor and (I had assumed) put them back where I keep them.  He then went to work since DS was home and my parents were coming over.

Later, when I had to test again, I couldn't find the lancing device.  My parents, DS and I tore the house up looking for it, to no avail.  I called DH to see if he had placed it somewhere else.  Nope, he hadn't seen it since that morning.

Well, now I'm getting anxious because I have to test to see how much insulin to take.  When I (admittedly) scolded DH for misplacing the device he said "Well, I'm sorry, but you can always stick yourself with a pin to get blood drawn".  I was livid.

It wasn't like he misplaced a pen or a flashlight.  He misplaced a vital piece of my medical equipment.  I had to go out and purchase a new one which meant spending money (although a small amount, about $15.00) that I didn't need to spend if he had only placed the device where it belonged.

I know he didn't do it on purpose, but he thinks I overreacted because he did apologize.  I did tell him that "I'm sorry, but...." really isn't an apology.  What do you think, oh wise ehellions.

[Hmmmmm]

I agree that I'm sorry, but isn't an apology.  But I think your DH might have said it here because he obviously believes he put the equipment back where it belongs so therefore he has no reason to apologize. 

Curious if the monitor was where it belongs or is it only the lancing device that is missing. 

[TurtleDove]

I am not certain what you would prefer your husband do.  Perhaps he should have skipped the portion after "I'm sorry" but at this point, what can he do.  It doesn't seem he did this on purpose, and it is not a pattern.  I think you can tell him it's a big deal to you, but other than that I think you need to decide whether you want to make this a major dramatic event or let it go and be happy.

[Sharnita]

I think that in general "I'm sorry" is not always an apology.  It could be an apology, sympathy, etc.  I think when he said "I'm sorry" he was not saying "I put the lancet in the wrong place" but "I am sorry you are stressed and upset over this".  After the portion where he acknowledged your feelings with the "i'm sorry" I think he tried to offer what he thought was a quick solution with the "but ..." portion of what he was saying.  It doesn't sound like he intended it to be an apology becasue he thinks he put it where it belonged and then it was moved/overlooked/whatever.

[cicero]

you are correct that "i'm sorry, but" is not really an apology

but however, your husband didn't use the classic "i'm sorry but" which is usually used to "excuse" the Bad Thing, i.e., it wasn't my fault ("i was tired/i was hungry/dog ate my homework/etc)

I agree with PPs - this doesn't soudn like he did this on purpose, he had helped you out when you were not feeling OK, and he is sorry that he inadvertantly caused the device to disappear.

hope you are feeling better!

[BeagleMommy]

Just to answer Hmmmmm, the monitor and test strips were in the usual place, but the lancing device was gone.

The filter replaced one word in my original post.  I guess I should have said "stab" my finger to draw blood. 

[Snooks]

I do wonder if your DH is a bit like mine and what's actually annoyed you is his lack of understanding that you shouldn't need to spend money on something new because the old one isn't broken, it's just not where (you think) he should have put it.  Just out of interest does your DH think he put it back in the correct place?

[gramma dishes]

I'm with those who don't think he meant the "I'm sorry ... " part as an apology. 

I think he meant it as "I feel really bad that you're so upset and I do understand why you're upset."  The 'but' part was him trying to "fix it" for you.  As he saw it there was an alternative that you could have used in place of the lancing device.

Just out of curiosity, did you look in the trash?  Maybe when throwing away the tissue or cotton ball the lance got thrown away by accident too?

I don't think your husband is quite sure that he is the one who lost it.  Not that YOU did.  He just can't figure out what happened to it.  I think if he remembers, "Oh my goodness, I stuck it in my pocket by accident thinking it was my flash drive that I needed for work" then he absolutely will/would apologize.

[DottyG]

I agree with Sharnita.  I don't think this is an "I'm sorry, but" situation like you might be thinking.

I hear it as like two sentences; the "but" goes with the "hey, here's something that you can do until we figure this mystery out" part.

[LEMon]

I was an "I'm sorry, but" person.  The "but" always took all the "sorry" away.  I was justifying myself, blaming him, making excuses - not really sorry at all, just knew that "I'm sorry" was the thing to say.  DH worked hard on me to get me to see that that phrase (as I was using it) was just my way of making nice, and excusing myself.  I wasn't taking responsibility for my actions.

"I'm sorry" is a wonderful phrase.  "I'm sorry, but" in my case was always me still not getting it.

[GratefulMaria]

I think I'd be torqued even if it wasn't meant as a justification.  As BeagleMommy said, this isn't just some random object.  If I had a health problem that needed monitoring and my DH said something that could sound remotely casual about it, that would really bother me.  Even if he didn't lose it on purpose -- and it sounds obvious that he did not -- I'm selfish enough to want something pertaining to my medical condition to be very high on his emotional radar, and for his wording to reflect that.  As I've said to my DH about things even less important:  "I don't even need you to care about them, but I do need you to care that I care about them!"  My bottom line is while I think maybe OP's DH did apologize technically, it sounds as though he may not have given her what she needed.

[VorFemme]

Did you find it?  That can be annoying with some things (cell phone chargers) to dangerous (medical equipment).

[Piratelvr1121]

If it's anything like me and hairbrushes, the old one will pop up as soon as you bring the new one home. :p

[Sign Of The Times]

BeagleMommy, you probably know how the best way for someone to say "sorry" is to actually be sorry.

In this respect, his "sorry" was the softening blow for his main statement, which was that he believes he put it where it belongs and you could stick the finger with a needle. He could have said that without the "sorry," but then he's an even bigger jerk.

Is he aware that the device wasn't where he claimed? That's what he should answer for.

[TootsNYC]

are you sure he hadn't said "sorry" earlier?

When you first called him, did he say, "I'm sorry--I thought I put it back there!" or "I'm sorry, I don't remember where it is"?

In my opinion, true apologies are really only due for extreme carelessness or actual bad behavior.

I bet he felt you were landing on him harder than he deserved. Were you?