I Invite Friend, Friend Invites Other Friend

[Eden]

I also agree that Beth was rude, regardless of whether or not it was a Special Movie. For casual events like this, I don't mind if someone says, "Do you care if I invite someone to join us?" It's not like adding someone to a dinner party in someone else's home, which would be asking too much. It's casual, so it's not a big deal, but you still ask first. It's just the polite thing to do.

Edited for clarity.

[SiotehCat]

I think I'm going to have to go against the grain on this one...

Maybe it's just my friends but for a trip to the cinema not a single one of us would ever think twice about asking another person along.  I know you're saying you felt it was a bit more special as it was a certain 80's movie you love but your friend obviously didn't see it that way and I don't think I could call her rude or inconsiderate for not knowing you were placing such importance on this particular film.

I can see how your text was taken badly, "in future please ask first" probably wasn't the right thing to say.  You were hurt and it was absolutely fine to let her know this but something along the lines of "Oh right, I had thought it was just going to be the two of us big S8M fans having a silly night out together" or something like that.

Maybe I'm wrong, in fact judging by all the other answers from previous posters it would appear that I am wrong.  I just think you could have handled it better in the first place.  She was worse than rude to call you stupid but I can see how she feels you provoked it with your original text.

I agree with you.

If you don't tell me that you want it to be just the two of us, I am going to assume that anybody that wants to can come to the movie. Especially since a fan of this movie would probably already be coming to one of the screenings.

Also, if I have to ask permission for something like this, then we aren't compatible and shouldn't be going to see movies together.

[chigrrl1]

I think I'm going to have to go against the grain on this one...

Maybe it's just my friends but for a trip to the cinema not a single one of us would ever think twice about asking another person along.  I know you're saying you felt it was a bit more special as it was a certain 80's movie you love but your friend obviously didn't see it that way and I don't think I could call her rude or inconsiderate for not knowing you were placing such importance on this particular film.

I can see how your text was taken badly, "in future please ask first" probably wasn't the right thing to say.  You were hurt and it was absolutely fine to let her know this but something along the lines of "Oh right, I had thought it was just going to be the two of us big S8M fans having a silly night out together" or something like that.

Maybe I'm wrong, in fact judging by all the other answers from previous posters it would appear that I am wrong.  I just think you could have handled it better in the first place.  She was worse than rude to call you stupid but I can see how she feels you provoked it with your original text.

POD.  In my social circle, I prefer to have a "more the merrier" vibe.  I do have a few random friends, however, that seem to prefer "one on one" time and sometimes that attitude comes across as a little possessive.  Obviously, if one needs to have a serious chat with someone and that is the context of the plan, inviting an unexpected person would be rude, but a fun trip to the movies?

Regardless, her reaction when you told her you were upset was rude.

[Hmmmmm]

I think I'm going to have to go against the grain on this one...

Maybe it's just my friends but for a trip to the cinema not a single one of us would ever think twice about asking another person along.  I know you're saying you felt it was a bit more special as it was a certain 80's movie you love but your friend obviously didn't see it that way and I don't think I could call her rude or inconsiderate for not knowing you were placing such importance on this particular film.

I can see how your text was taken badly, "in future please ask first" probably wasn't the right thing to say.  You were hurt and it was absolutely fine to let her know this but something along the lines of "Oh right, I had thought it was just going to be the two of us big S8M fans having a silly night out together" or something like that.

Maybe I'm wrong, in fact judging by all the other answers from previous posters it would appear that I am wrong.  I just think you could have handled it better in the first place.  She was worse than rude to call you stupid but I can see how she feels you provoked it with your original text.

POD.  In my social circle, I prefer to have a "more the merrier" vibe.  I do have a few random friends, however, that seem to prefer "one on one" time and sometimes that attitude comes across as a little possessive.  Obviously, if one needs to have a serious chat with someone and that is the context of the plan, inviting an unexpected person would be rude, but a fun trip to the movies?

Regardless, her reaction when you told her you were upset was rude.

The bolded statements highlights my dealings with my sisters.  I'm the only semi-introvert of the family.  My sisters are all extorverts and can really not understand why sometimes I would rather just go to the movies with one other person rather than making a group outing.  And in our society if you are the loan introvert and make a comment about "Well, I was hoping just to go with you" your seen as being possive, exclusionary, or socially inept. 

It wasn't until I was in my 20's in the late 80's that someone gave me a really good statement about the difference and helped me understand myself, because no one had ever thought of me being an introvert.  If you've been at a seminar all day dealing with lots of new people, would you rather go to dinner with a single friend you know well to recharge your batteries, or are you organizing the after seminar happy hour to get a chance to get to know all of your new friends better.  My sis's are happy hour bound, where I just wanted a nice quiet dinner.  I shared this with them and they finally got it. 

[Outdoor Girl]

I'm an introvert.  I am definitely not a 'the more the merrier' type.  I'd be seriously annoyed with a friend who invited another friend without asking me first, even if it was just a plain old regular movie.  And then to tell me my feelings were stupid on top of that?  Yeah, we wouldn't need to be friends anymore.

[lowspark]

I'm definitely (usually) a more the merrier type of person and I still think she was rude to invite another person without checking with you first. And I think this regardless of what the two of you were planning on doing. What if the friend she invited was someone you didn't like or didn't get along with?

In a situation where two people are planning to do something together, neither should invite a third without checking first. In a situation where it's a large group, maybe it would be more acceptable. Depends on the group dynamic.

In any case, maybe she just doesn't handle conflict well and you just didn't know that because you'd never had a disagreement with her before. It's almost inevitable that you will have a disagreement with a friend eventually, and how it gets resolved can either strengthen a friendship or kill it. I am guessing that if you never had a disagreement that you tried to resolve, maybe you'd still be friends. But what are the chances? If it hadn't been this event, eventually something else would have come up with predictably similar results.

[chigrrl1]

I think I'm going to have to go against the grain on this one...

Maybe it's just my friends but for a trip to the cinema not a single one of us would ever think twice about asking another person along.  I know you're saying you felt it was a bit more special as it was a certain 80's movie you love but your friend obviously didn't see it that way and I don't think I could call her rude or inconsiderate for not knowing you were placing such importance on this particular film.

I can see how your text was taken badly, "in future please ask first" probably wasn't the right thing to say.  You were hurt and it was absolutely fine to let her know this but something along the lines of "Oh right, I had thought it was just going to be the two of us big S8M fans having a silly night out together" or something like that.

Maybe I'm wrong, in fact judging by all the other answers from previous posters it would appear that I am wrong.  I just think you could have handled it better in the first place.  She was worse than rude to call you stupid but I can see how she feels you provoked it with your original text.

POD.  In my social circle, I prefer to have a "more the merrier" vibe.  I do have a few random friends, however, that seem to prefer "one on one" time and sometimes that attitude comes across as a little possessive.  Obviously, if one needs to have a serious chat with someone and that is the context of the plan, inviting an unexpected person would be rude, but a fun trip to the movies?

Regardless, her reaction when you told her you were upset was rude.

The bolded statements highlights my dealings with my sisters.  I'm the only semi-introvert of the family.  My sisters are all extorverts and can really not understand why sometimes I would rather just go to the movies with one other person rather than making a group outing.  And in our society if you are the loan introvert and make a comment about "Well, I was hoping just to go with you" your seen as being possive, exclusionary, or socially inept. 

It wasn't until I was in my 20's in the late 80's that someone gave me a really good statement about the difference and helped me understand myself, because no one had ever thought of me being an introvert.  If you've been at a seminar all day dealing with lots of new people, would you rather go to dinner with a single friend you know well to recharge your batteries, or are you organizing the after seminar happy hour to get a chance to get to know all of your new friends better.  My sis's are happy hour bound, where I just wanted a nice quiet dinner.  I shared this with them and they finally got it.

It can come off that way sometimes just because it would never occur to me that one of my awesome friends wouldn't want to hang out with another awesome friend and have a good time, thus multiplying the awesomeness factor.  I guess it's a matter of knowing your friends well enough to know who is comfortable with "more the merrier" versus preferring "us" time.  I'd say 50% of my "us" time friends tend to be a little more jealous or possessive and 50% are true introverts or don't enjoy group activities for whatever reason.  Of the latter group, I've found those friends are able to explain their feelings much like you did and it's all good! 

[Tea Drinker]

t would never occur to me that one of my awesome friends wouldn't want to hang out with another awesome friend and have a good time, thus multiplying the awesomeness factor.  I guess it's a matter of knowing your friends well enough to know who is comfortable with "more the merrier" versus preferring "us" time.  I'd say 50% of my "us" time friends tend to be a little more jealous or possessive and 50% are true introverts or don't enjoy group activities for whatever reason.  Of the latter group, I've found those friends are able to explain their feelings much like you did and it's all good!

I am something of an introvert, and "do something with someone I already know" uses less energy than "do something and get to know a new person," even if my friend's friend is the most awesome person on the entire East Coast. Separate from that, sometimes what I want is "let's go do this thing, and then talk one-on-one to catch up." I might have news I want to share, but not with the whole world yet, or be looking for advice, or a sympathetic ear on something medical or personal that I wouldn't dump on someone I just met.

[Victim Of Fate]

I land somewhere in the middle on this. I think "a bit off" sums it up better than "rude". I can completely understand why Beth would not think it a big deal that their trip to the cinema got an extra person. It isn't the same as inviting someone to a catch-up between friends that haven't seen each other for a while, it certainly isn't the same as inviting someone to another person's home.

I mean, it partly depends on how the situation arose. If Beth went out of her way to invite Jen, then I think that's something she ought to have checked with the OP first. If, on the other hand, Jen asked Beth if she wanted to go see P8M with her, and Beth said "Oh, I'm going with PrettySticks, why don't you come with us?", then I think that's much more understandable.

As to Beth's reaction after the text message, I think it was over the top, but at the same time I don't think the OP handled it in the best way. Personally, I wouldn't have said anything, because by raising the issue, what Beth would have heard is "I don't want to go to the cinema with Jen", which one would perceive as a bit of an insult. I also think the stealing/borrowing money analogy was slightly unfortunate.

[PrettySticks]

OP here.  Thanks for the replies!

I think several of you hit the nail on the head with the "more the merrier" mentality. She definitely has that, and I do not. Plus, Jen is a very good friend of Beth's, so I know in her mind it was "Yay! Now I get to see the movie with TWO friends!" whereas now I'm thinking, "Now I'm seeing the movie with one friend and one stranger."  But I think I would have felt the same if she'd invited someone I did know well.  It really made me feel like just my company was not good enough for her.

And I was really pretty clear about this being a special outing for us.  We were having trouble determining which screening to go to, because she was supposed to be at work during one, and I was supposed to be at work during the other, and we were both having trouble finding someone to cover us (I eventually got my shift covered).  But at one point she said that maybe we wouldn't be able to see the movie together after all and I said "No way!  We have to go see it together! It won't be any fun if I don't see it with you!" (That's copied word-for-word from a Gchat.)  So while I realize that is not an explicit "... so don't invite anyone else, mmmkay?" I was upfront about the fact that seeing the movie was only part of the appeal, seeing it with HER was the point.

And I 100% agree with those that say the text message was a bad idea. I can't even call it hindsight, because I remember thinking as I was sending it that it was a bad idea!  I don't have a good excuse for not following that instinct, except that, as I mentioned, I had never confronted her before and was not especially looking forward to doing it then.  I also think/thought having further discussion in Gchat was a terrible idea as well, but at the time I couldn't figure out a way to say "I would rather discuss this in person" that didn't come across as very dramatic.

My original post was about three times the length (heh) so I edited out a bunch of details.  But since people asked, about a week after making the plans with Beth, I found (in my couch!) a gift card for the movie theater, so I told her I would use it to buy the tickets.  She did protest, but I thought it was perfect, because we were getting to do something geeky, and do it for free!  I sincerely didn't look at it as paying for her ticket, and told her as much, because it was essentially found money - I didn't buy the gift card in the first place, and apparently hadn't missed it when it fell into the couch.  She agreed, but said she would compensate by buying the snacks at the theater, which she did end up doing.

And she really did keep saying "stupid" which is what I thought was so over the top.  Maybe not that I was stupid, per se, but the idea that she would have to ask me before inviting someone was stupid.  She also kept saying that absolutely NO ONE else she knew would have minded that she did this.  And much later I had the thought that if I hadn't said anything, she would have assumed I was ok with it too.  So a more likely scenario is that she does have other friends that might be bothered by this, but they're smart enough to know she would not take well to the confrontation and let it be.  Smarter than me, clearly!

[buvezdevin]

I think I'm going to have to go against the grain on this one...

Maybe it's just my friends but for a trip to the cinema not a single one of us would ever think twice about asking another person along.  I know you're saying you felt it was a bit more special as it was a certain 80's movie you love but your friend obviously didn't see it that way and I don't think I could call her rude or inconsiderate for not knowing you were placing such importance on this particular film.

I can see how your text was taken badly, "in future please ask first" probably wasn't the right thing to say.  You were hurt and it was absolutely fine to let her know this but something along the lines of "Oh right, I had thought it was just going to be the two of us big S8M fans having a silly night out together" or something like that.

Maybe I'm wrong, in fact judging by all the other answers from previous posters it would appear that I am wrong.  I just think you could have handled it better in the first place.  She was worse than rude to call you stupid but I can see how she feels you provoked it with your original text.

POD.  In my social circle, I prefer to have a "more the merrier" vibe.  I do have a few random friends, however, that seem to prefer "one on one" time and sometimes that attitude comes across as a little possessive.  Obviously, if one needs to have a serious chat with someone and that is the context of the plan, inviting an unexpected person would be rude, but a fun trip to the movies?

Regardless, her reaction when you told her you were upset was rude.

The bolded statements highlights my dealings with my sisters.  I'm the only semi-introvert of the family.  My sisters are all extorverts and can really not understand why sometimes I would rather just go to the movies with one other person rather than making a group outing.  And in our society if you are the loan introvert and make a comment about "Well, I was hoping just to go with you" your seen as being possive, exclusionary, or socially inept. 

It wasn't until I was in my 20's in the late 80's that someone gave me a really good statement about the difference and helped me understand myself, because no one had ever thought of me being an introvert.  If you've been at a seminar all day dealing with lots of new people, would you rather go to dinner with a single friend you know well to recharge your batteries, or are you organizing the after seminar happy hour to get a chance to get to know all of your new friends better.  My sis's are happy hour bound, where I just wanted a nice quiet dinner.  I shared this with them and they finally got it.

It can come off that way sometimes just because it would never occur to me that one of my awesome friends wouldn't want to hang out with another awesome friend and have a good time, thus multiplying the awesomeness factor.  I guess it's a matter of knowing your friends well enough to know who is comfortable with "more the merrier" versus preferring "us" time.  I'd say 50% of my "us" time friends tend to be a little more jealous or possessive and 50% are true introverts or don't enjoy group activities for whatever reason.  Of the latter group, I've found those friends are able to explain their feelings much like you did and it's all good!

I am not an introvert, nor am I jealous and possessive. Neither is a friend of mine, "Winston" - but I will offer an example where each of us separately declined to follow through on plans where other friends took a "more the merrier" approach.

I had moved away from a city I lived in for years, and was back in that city for business and staying most of a weekend to see a few close friends.  Due to the limited time I had, I was not trying to see everyone I would have enjoyed seeing, but instead I was staying with one friend on the weekend, and made plans to have lunch with two friends, and dinner with one couple.  Since we had acquaintances in common who I was not seeing on that visit, I mentioned that I was only seeing a handful of people to be able to have a good "catch up" but had purposely not contacted others, due to time constraints.

The day before the dinner date with the couple, which they had suggested having at their home, I learned that they had invited two other couples who I did not know "but would love".  I expressed my regrets that we would not be able to get together on this trip, as I was focussing on socializing with close friends to catch up on our lives in detail, and while I was sure I would enjoy meeting their friends under other circumstances, a dinner party with a group was something I had chosen not to plan for that trip. 

Winston had invited a friend out to dinner by email, and her reply was "great, and these three friends of mine are interested in the company you work for, so I'll bring them along.". Winston never firmed up a date for that dinner.

Both Winston and I often get together among common and new friends, frequently in groups where it would not be untoward for someone to bring others.  The difference is those are planned as group activities, or the invitation is extended in a way which makes clear it is not an invitation between just the person extending an invitation, and the person being asked. 

All of which is to say that while anyone may - for any reason - be either a "more the merrier" or not, but if one "asks" another person before adding folks to a "date" it is a simple means of avoiding conflicting expectations, and more considerate than assuming another party would not have a different, and completely reasonable view.

ETA: fix last sentence.

[Piratelvr1121]

I can see where the OP's coming from.  I was thinking about this, as my bff and I are both obsessed with the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. The only one we do not like is Dead Man's Chest, with the exception of one scene where Jack is running screaming down the beach.

The first time I went to visit her we devoted one day to a POTC marathon of the 3 movies that were out at the time, meaning Dead Man's Chest.  We're surely not the only die hard fans of these movies but because we have even written little stories and interwoven some of our fanfics and such, there are a lot of things we would be talking about, there would be pausing and discussing, and just enjoying it in away I don't think many other people would really appreciate. 

So if it came out in theater in either of our towns and we'd planned a trip around it, I think either of us would be put out if the other invited someone else because it meant we couldn't get into it as much as we may have otherwise. 

[snowdragon]

I'm an introvert.  I am definitely not a 'the more the merrier' type.  I'd be seriously annoyed with a friend who invited another friend without asking me first, even if it was just a plain old regular movie.  And then to tell me my feelings were stupid on top of that?  Yeah, we wouldn't need to be friends anymore.

This. I have dropped friends for doing this one too many times. and if you tell me I am stupid, you only get one chance at that.

[Niamh84]

OP here.  Thanks for the replies!

But since people asked, about a week after making the plans with Beth, I found (in my couch!) a gift card for the movie theater, so I told her I would use it to buy the tickets.  She did protest, but I thought it was perfect, because we were getting to do something geeky, and do it for free!  I sincerely didn't look at it as paying for her ticket, and told her as much, because it was essentially found money - I didn't buy the gift card in the first place, and apparently hadn't missed it when it fell into the couch. 

This information actually changes my answer a bit.  While it would never occur to me that a friend would get so upset over an extra person coming to the cinema, for some reason - and I'm not even really sure why - but if the original friend was buying me a ticket, I just don't think I would have invited someone else.  I'm not sure I can explain it but I guess I'd feel a bit more like the person was bringing me with her to the cinema, essentially making me a guest of hers and therefore as a guest I wouldn't invite anyone else.  But if we were buying our own tickets I'd see it more as: some of us are going to the cinema, sure it's open to anyone.  I don't know if that makes sense.

[Allyson]

I think the 'inviting someone else along' thing can just be different social styles. But the way to respond to 'I prefer to do it *this* way' isn't to call it stupid. That's not helpful. We've got a mix of both styles among the people I hang out with, and I'm really fine with it either way. I do usually say something like 'Is this going to be a just-us hangout or should we see if David and Lucy can make it' for times when I'm not sure.

I think she was ruder here than if she had been the one to invite you. If that had been the case, I'd have less of a problem with her deciding to invite someone else. I know it's considered rude to ask the 'guest list' but with my friends, it would be pretty accepted to do that. I would never see someone asking the guest list as 'seeing if it's cool enough' which seems to be one worry people have. I'd figure wanting to know what the tone of the outing will be. (Also, some people have weird drama with other people..)