I Invite Friend, Friend Invites Other Friend

[Shoo]

My original post was about three times the length (heh) so I edited out a bunch of details.  But since people asked, about a week after making the plans with Beth, I found (in my couch!) a gift card for the movie theater, so I told her I would use it to buy the tickets.  She did protest, but I thought it was perfect, because we were getting to do something geeky, and do it for free!  I sincerely didn't look at it as paying for her ticket, and told her as much, because it was essentially found money - I didn't buy the gift card in the first place, and apparently hadn't missed it when it fell into the couch.  She agreed, but said she would compensate by buying the snacks at the theater, which she did end up doing.

Did you use your gift card for the other friend too?  I hope you didn't!

[Kari]

I agree with the OP's boyfriend that this was Not Cool. If someone invites you somewhere, you don't start inviting other people along because that's awfully presumptuous. It doesn't hurt to ask, though, which is what OP's ex-pal should have done.

But your mileage may vary. I do understand, however, that some friendships allow leeway with this. For instance, among close friends. This is why I wasn't upset when my best friend brought over another close friend of mine to hang out at my place when I invited him over (but come to think of it, he did ask first) but I was irritated when another friend brought along her best friend (whom I didn't know well) on what was originally supposed to be an outing for just the two of us. If you don't mind that sort of thing in your friendships, I certainly won't judge -- if it doesn't bother you, it doesn't bother me. But what is bothersome was that when the OP spoke up about it, she was dismissed as "stupid."

I think it's still a good idea to ask first before inviting other people along.

[ClaireC79]

Did she call you being upset stupid or the analogy stupid - because I have to say I feel comparing it to theft was OTT

[PrettySticks]

The analogy was specifically with regards to her point that if she'd asked if she could bring Jen, I would have said yes, so it shouldn't matter that she didn't take the time to ask.  I was NOT saying that this situation was comparable to theft.  My point was that the middle step - the "asking" - matters.  Like... if I say "Hey, do you mind coming outside for a sec?" and you do, vs. if I go inside, grab your arm, and drag you outside.  I could claim there was no difference, because either way you end up outside, but one is clearly ruder than the other.  It was the processes I was comparing, not the acts themselves.  Asking to invite a another friend vs. just inviting them; asking to borrow money vs. just taking it; asking you to come outside vs. dragging you out.  No analogy's perfect, and obviously this one wasn't, but in the moment (during our Gchat) I was trying to come up with something to demonstrate how frustrated I was.

But that analogy came toward the end of the discussion, kind of a last ditch effort to express myself.  She had previously called my feelings stupid well before I even made the analogy. 

If Beth went out of her way to invite Jen, then I think that's something she ought to have checked with the OP first. If, on the other hand, Jen asked Beth if she wanted to go see P8M with her, and Beth said "Oh, I'm going with PrettySticks, why don't you come with us?", then I think that's much more understandable.

This is another part of the story I left out, but it's also to me a little odd to me.  Apparently, the subject of the P8M came up between Beth and Jen (I don't know how specifically). Turns out, Jen was a fan too, and told Beth she had a ticket to a different screening - same time, but at a different theater location.  So Beth suggested that Jen should exchange her ticket for a ticket to the showing at the theater we were going to.  (Even though it was the same theater chain, it wouldn't even occur to me that this was something they could or would do, but I digress.)  When Beth told me this part, I asked why she couldn't have at least run it by me first.  And she said she couldn't wait!  It was urgent!  What if she took the time to ask me and by the time she got back to Jen the showing at our theater was sold out!?  But that didn't seem like such a big deal to me.  If she couldn't exchange her ticket for one to our showing, she would keep her ticket and see the movie at the other theater, which was clearly ok with her, because that was what she'd planned on doing anyway. There was literally no risk involved. Even the way Beth told the story, it wasn't Jen angling to come with us, it was Beth angling for Jen to change her plans.  But Beth actually said to me, "What was I supposed to do, wait until Jen left, call you and ask if it was ok, then call Jen and see if she wanted to come with us?"  And I know to her that sounded positively ludicrous, but... yeah, do that. 

And even though I agree, the situation from Victim of Fate that I quoted above is more understandable - especially if Beth were put on the spot - I still don't think it would have been so weird to ask me.  So Jen says "I wanted to see P8M with you" and Beth say "Oh, I'm going with PrettySticks.  I'd love for you to come with us, but let me just check with her first."  In fact, I'd be willing to bet (though now I am veering into pure speculation) that Jen did try to bow out and not intrude on our plans, but Beth said it would be fine and that I wouldn't care. I've actually seen her do this kind of thing before, where someone in the group is trying to be considerate of someone who's absent, and she steamrolls over it with "No, they won't care!"  Not necessarily because she's mean, but because she literally cannot imagine that they would care.  Which I suppose works just fine if you're dealing with like-minded friends, but not so much when the minds are not alike. 

[Victim Of Fate]

The analogy was specifically with regards to her point that if she'd asked if she could bring Jen, I would have said yes, so it shouldn't matter that she didn't take the time to ask.  I was NOT saying that this situation was comparable to theft.  My point was that the middle step - the "asking" - matters.  Like... if I say "Hey, do you mind coming outside for a sec?" and you do, vs. if I go inside, grab your arm, and drag you outside.  I could claim there was no difference, because either way you end up outside, but one is clearly ruder than the other.  It was the processes I was comparing, not the acts themselves.  Asking to invite a another friend vs. just inviting them; asking to borrow money vs. just taking it; asking you to come outside vs. dragging you out.  No analogy's perfect, and obviously this one wasn't, but in the moment (during our Gchat) I was trying to come up with something to demonstrate how frustrated I was.

But that analogy came toward the end of the discussion, kind of a last ditch effort to express myself.  She had previously called my feelings stupid well before I even made the analogy. 

If Beth went out of her way to invite Jen, then I think that's something she ought to have checked with the OP first. If, on the other hand, Jen asked Beth if she wanted to go see P8M with her, and Beth said "Oh, I'm going with PrettySticks, why don't you come with us?", then I think that's much more understandable.

This is another part of the story I left out, but it's also to me a little odd to me.  Apparently, the subject of the P8M came up between Beth and Jen (I don't know how specifically). Turns out, Jen was a fan too, and told Beth she had a ticket to a different screening - same time, but at a different theater location.  So Beth suggested that Jen should exchange her ticket for a ticket to the showing at the theater we were going to.  (Even though it was the same theater chain, it wouldn't even occur to me that this was something they could or would do, but I digress.)  When Beth told me this part, I asked why she couldn't have at least run it by me first.  And she said she couldn't wait!  It was urgent!  What if she took the time to ask me and by the time she got back to Jen the showing at our theater was sold out!?  But that didn't seem like such a big deal to me.  If she couldn't exchange her ticket for one to our showing, she would keep her ticket and see the movie at the other theater, which was clearly ok with her, because that was what she'd planned on doing anyway. There was literally no risk involved. Even the way Beth told the story, it wasn't Jen angling to come with us, it was Beth angling for Jen to change her plans.  But Beth actually said to me, "What was I supposed to do, wait until Jen left, call you and ask if it was ok, then call Jen and see if she wanted to come with us?"  And I know to her that sounded positively ludicrous, but... yeah, do that. 

And even though I agree, the situation from Victim of Fate that I quoted above is more understandable - especially if Beth were put on the spot - I still don't think it would have been so weird to ask me.  So Jen says "I wanted to see P8M with you" and Beth say "Oh, I'm going with PrettySticks.  I'd love for you to come with us, but let me just check with her first."  In fact, I'd be willing to bet (though now I am veering into pure speculation) that Jen did try to bow out and not intrude on our plans, but Beth said it would be fine and that I wouldn't care. I've actually seen her do this kind of thing before, where someone in the group is trying to be considerate of someone who's absent, and she steamrolls over it with "No, they won't care!"  Not necessarily because she's mean, but because she literally cannot imagine that they would care.  Which I suppose works just fine if you're dealing with like-minded friends, but not so much when the minds are not alike.

That sheds an interesting light on the situation. I can kind of guess Beth's motivation. I imagine when Jen told her that she was going to see it, Beth thought (if Jen is also a very close friend of hers) "Oh, I really want to see it with Jen, but I also really want to see it with PrettySticks. Wait, if Jen changes her tickets, we all three can see it together." Slightly selfish, slightly thoughtless, but not really rude. Her assumption, I suppose, was that all three people would prefer to see it as a trio than as a pair, and I don't suppose she paused to think more about whether that might actually be the case.

[wolfie]

After having a friend invite someone to pretty much every single event I invited her to I am over the "more the merrier" mindset. I started off not caring, but when I hosted a party last year and discovered I didn't want to add her to the list because I didn't want another 20 people to be added I realized that has changed. It's not that I am possessive or only want my friends to myself - I am just tired of having my events hijacked so that other people can hang out with their other group of friends.

[SpikeMichigan]

  I think your analogy of the five dollars was a poor one, stealing someones money and inviting someone along on a trip are not in the same ballpark. So, she was right to call out that one.

 As for inviting friend along.... in some situations this would be fine, some not. Probably best to say, 'Hey, can my friend come along?'. The way she spoke to you afterwards (barring the analogy bit). Not cool (to use your gentleman's words).

 If this is an isolated incident, I'd let it go.

[Roe]

Not cool to invite others along to an event where you were invited and one that is considered a "special" event. 

[oopsie]

OP, I know exactly how you feel and I would have felt the same way as you if in your position. I've experienced situations similar to this and I always remember feeling disappointed in losing the intimacy of the outing. It's true that the dynamic changes when things like this happen - albeit sometimes for the better, it's not a risk I am necessarily willing to take.

I always end up just going along with it for fear of getting the reaction that your friend gave to you. Regardless, I feel that you absolutely have the right to feel the way you did and her unwillingness to offer any sort of validation for your feelings (even if she doesn't agree) is not what a true friendship is about.

[GrammarNerd]

DH has an old friend from HS that always seemed to do this.  There was this other couple that they were friends with and they seemed to do a lot with them.  Fine....not a problem. (We'd met them before at parties that the friends had hosted, so they weren't total strangers, but they weren't our friends either.)  Except....we planned a dinner at a rib place once.  The friends were just coming from a Saturday evening church service, so we waited for them for a bit in the parking lot.  Then, they show up....with the other couple in tow.  "Oh, you remember so-and-so, right?  We saw them at church and they hadn't eaten yet and thought this sounded fun!"  My DH is a more roll-with-the-punches type of guy and he can talk to just about anyone, so it probably bothered me more than him.

But it did change the dynamic of the evening.  We don't see the friends very often, yet the friends see the other couple a lot.  So there were some parts of the conversation that were more like the 'inside joke' variety; DH and I didn't have the shared experiences, so we were sort of left out of those parts.  It wasn't all bad, but it was definitely a different evening than what we'd planned and it was annoying to have it sprung on us like it was.

I thought that was maybe just a one-off etiquette faux pas, until some months later when DH made some plans to go to a minor league baseball game with the friends.  We get there and meet the friends, only to find that the other couple was with them.  Again.

After the baseball game, I asked DH why it was that his friend and his wife didn't feel like they could do anything with us without inviting that other couple.  It still didn't bug him a lot, but I can tell you that I wasn't very enthusiastic about making plans with the friend and his wife after that.

It's a hard thing....kind of a 'darned if you do, darned if you don't' thing.  If you don't speak up, you stew about it and you feel bad for not speaking up.  But if you do speak up, then you seem like the bad guy.  And I hate to sound whiny, but that is just not fair!  When someone else makes an etiquette faux pas and puts you on the spot, why are YOU the bad guy when you won't go along with condoning their bad etiquette? 

OP, kudos to you for speaking up.  Yes, you could have probably phrased it a tad better, but there's a chance that even if you had, your 'friend' still wouldn't have taken it well.  Really, though, only good came of it, right?  You found out that she wasn't actually much of a friend, and you felt better about not having let someone walk all over you.

[Softly Spoken]

OP, I know exactly how you feel and I would have felt the same way as you if in your position. I've experienced situations similar to this and I always remember feeling disappointed in losing the intimacy of the outing. It's true that the dynamic changes when things like this happen - albeit sometimes for the better, it's not a risk I am necessarily willing to take.

I always end up just going along with it for fear of getting the reaction that your friend gave to you. Regardless, I feel that you absolutely have the right to feel the way you did and her unwillingness to offer any sort of validation for your feelings (even if she doesn't agree) is not what a true friendship is about.

Parking my POD squarely with the above, though many PPs have made good points.

I have a "steam rolling" friend who was not very good at considering other people's feelings...she saw every situation through her reality only. A little emotionally clueless. Of course expectations/assumptions are never good no matter who has them...I had an experience with her involving movie tickets that I thought I had successfully suppressed until I read this thread:

My friend found out that our local music theater was doing a special silent film showing. She called me and I was excited about it, she told me how she got free tickets from Local Grocery Store. We went to the show and had a great time. We agreed that it was a great series and we couldn't wait to see the remaining films in the series. In my mind, we had found a great special thing to do together. Later, as we were walking our dogs by Local Grocery Store, my friend says "Oh Softly Spoken, I'll hold the dogs and you go in and see if they have more free tickets for the movies." The tickets are limited and first come, first serve. My friend tells me to get as many tickets as I can, mentioning that she wants her other friend, her mom and her sister to see it and I remember we had also both agreed that my brother would like it. So I think we figured out we'd need six tickets - well the Story only had four left. When I took the tickets out to my friend and explained the situation, I don't remember what she said or did exactly but all of a sudden it was clear that she was taking all the tickets (that she had me go in and get) and I wasn't included/invited on the next movie outing. She seemed genuinely surprised like "Oh, did you want some tickets?"    Gee, I dunno, you mean do I want some of the tickets I just went in and got, to see the next part of the series I have been gushing about ever since the other night? Then when I had the audacity to complain about the idea of her having all the tickets, she said very begrudgingly that I could take two for myself and my brother, and she'd find some other way to get spots for the other people she wanted to take. If I had known that she felt that way and had that plan, I would have told her to get her own blankety blank tickets.  Nice to know I was demoted overnight from theater-going friend to ticket gofer. 

What is it about entertainment events that makes people so thoughtless?